KikiW Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) This will be a little long, I apologize in advance. By no means will I be able to describe the entire situation from all angles, so feel free to ask questions or look for clarification. We are just at a roadblock and could use the advice of some from outside the situation that may see something we do not. Ok, first I want to say that his daughter is INCREDIBLY sweet, very smart, creative, has a great sense of humor, and has a very good level of self esteem. She is 12 - in that tween stage where she likes boys from her Nickelodeon/Disney channel shows, and plays the flash games on Facebook. She will usually ask for permission to do things like watch TV or use the computer. She does not barge into the bedroom unannounced. On arrival, we (my SO, myself, my daughter and his daughter) reviewed the "Family Rules" (general stuff about turning off lights, speaking respectfully to each other, that kind of thing) and for the most part they are followed. In general, she is a good kid. But she has some issues. One is that she is desperate for attention. She will do whatever she has to in order to get it, whether it's to get a laugh out of someone, or even if she has to push buttons and get reprimanded. We try to give her as much positive attention as possible, but we certainly have limits - jobs, night school, my own daughter, and just some down time for ourselves. What we've noticed however, is that if we give her too much positive attention, she is encouraged to push the envelope. Give an inch, she'll go 17 miles. We certainly don't want to turn her into the most Serious 12 Year Old Ever, but it's to the point where if we don't tell her to settle down right after she starts up, she goes nuts. For instance, the first day after she arrived, she spent the day with me and my daughter (who is 9) while her dad was at work. They had a great time (some mild sibling rivalry but all in all fun day), but by the end of the day she was nearly uncontrollable. Long story short, I was beside myself after she landed on the floor in the hallway wearing just her underwear and cackling maniacally. I had to speak sharply in order for her to go put clothes on, as the window shades were clearly wide open and we live in a busy apartment complex not to mention being completely inappropriate in the first place. We have also been trying to quash a particularly aggravating habit - she talks in baby talk. It has gotten better but I've had to speak to her many MANY times about it. Half the time it's completely nonsensical words, other times she pitches her voice as though she is a little girl about 2-3. She DOES have a normal speaking voice, but honestly I was shocked the first time I'd heard it because I've talked with her frequently over the past two years or so and this trip was the first time I've heard it. One of the times I spoke to her about the baby talk, I made sure to praise how lovely her regular voice was and it would be so nice to hear it more often. It's helped, but it still comes back. Along with the baby talk, she frequently acts like she is dumb. She isn't, but for some reason puts it out there that she is. When I told her she would need to read more than one chapter of her summer reading book (chapters being about 3 pages long) she put up such a fuss about it. When I cracked the whip, so to speak, I had her reading up to 8 or 9 chapters a day, and once her dad sat with her and had her read to him aloud, she was knocking out another 3 or 4 chapters on her own. I am so proud of her for getting so interested in reading that she's finished 2 more books and is looking forward to reading the next one. I had a serious talk with her at one point about her "dumb" act, and pointed out that if she acts dumb, people will perceive her as dumb, just like if she acts like a baby, people will perceive her as a baby. I don't know if she ever fully understood the point I was trying to make. Another challenge has been her weight, which is horribly unhealthy. She is 200 pounds and about 5'3". She has no interest in learning about healthy foods. She will eat what I serve (I make as balanced a meal as I can and portion appropriately), and I have allowed her to snack on something like apples, bananas and yogurt, but it's a CONSTANT subject. Unfailingly she always asks if there is more after eating the first plate of dinner (I have learned to immediately put remaining food in the refrigerator and only offer a small healthy snack as a second course). We are out and about and she talks about where she wants to go to eat. What she wants to eat when we go there. How good the food is at the place her mother takes her. When can we go have food at XYZ restaurant? Can we stop here for ice cream? I'd like a smoothie. What do you mean you don't eat at McDonalds?... we are on a VERY strict budget and cannot afford to go out to eat except very special occassions. Our meals are planned around being home, and I do not plan what I am making more than an hour or 2 in advance, but she constantly wants to know what were having for the next meal. We are saddened that no matter what we do, her mother will simply stop off at McDonalds on the way from picking her up at the end of the 5 weeks. It's breaking our hearts. Which brings me to her mother. This woman is a brilliant manipulator. She has planted horrible seeds in SO's daughter - just ONE example is that she made her terrified to fly on a plane by saying she doesn't want the plane to crash and daughter to die! SO had to fly to his home state and pick her up, and will have to do so to bring her home. With such a tight budget, this is a real strain and limits a good deal of "fun" stuff we can do, like take an overnight trip to Washington DC, or other things like that we would have liked to do with the daughters. In the meantime, her mother just today went to an amusement park and told her all about the fun time she had there - of course SO's daughter wants to know when WE can go to the amusement park close to us... At $50/person, plus food and drinks, we can't afford it. We've also had to wean her off Benedryl - because of her mother. Her mother uses benedryl to make her settle down or get her to sleep. I can't tell you how many times she would ask for medication and pretend to have a stuffy nose. WTF kind of parent drugs up their kid like this??? I have a therapist who has dealt with kids in the past, but she no longer does and doesn't currently have SO's healthplan, which means we would have to pay her out of pocket (back to another budget issue). Took her advice to try and find someone for her to talk with on his plan, he made many calls, none of which were returned. He floated the idea of having someone for her to talk to and she completely balked - adamantly refused to do it saying she "didn't want to talk to some stranger..." Ok, I should probably just take a deep breath here and let someone read this and see what advice might come. Again, sorry for the novel, and happy to answer any questions. HELP! Edited June 27, 2010 by KikiW
Ronni_W Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Hugs, Kiki. It does sound like some type of professional assistance and intervention may be required for her. Perhaps start with a visit to your family doctor? For you parents, perhaps there is a local support group? Check with hospitals, children's hospitals, community services, church groups, 'community events' in local paper...or Google. She is 12 years old so she does not get to decide her own health care options and courses of treatment, whether for physical or emotional/mental health. When you find a potentially suitable therapist, make it clear and stand firm that it is not something that is up for debate. Message that you are loving, concerned parents with her best interests in heart and mind, who also have moral and legal responsibilities and obligations -- including for her mental-emotional health and well-being, and for creating a positive, safe, loving environment at home so that EVERYBODY can thrive and be happy -- and it will so until she's out of college/uni. Best of luck.
Author KikiW Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 I think you are right about taking more of the reigns. We are trying to do the right thing, and the best thing, but it's so hard to see what that is sometimes. Sorry the post was SO long. I know people can pop open a thread and many times are like "ick, this is long, I am already bored." and go on. Thanks for reading it and answering it.
lolapalooza Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 The mother is likely the root problem. She has modeled bad behavior that the child repeats (need for attention), and she has most likely coddled and spoiled her, thus the weight issues, etc. You need to set firm boundaries and firm expectations in your household. It's your household. Specific behaviors will not be tolerated. Good behavior will be noted and rewarded as warranted, but there will be consequences for bad behavior. Baby talk or tantrums gets her so many minutes without a certain privilege, etc. Make sure you and your SO are on the same page with this, and enforce it consistently. You can't fix the mom, but you don't have to have 6+ years of Mom Jr. in your household.
Author KikiW Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Problem is, we don't even have her for 6 more years. If that were the case this would be much easier. We have her for about 4 more weeks. I;m sure on some level some people might just think "get through it, it's not too much longer..." but I honestly feel horrible for her. I feel like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom suddenly seeing the baby at 16 wearing frosted pink lipstick and working at Dairy Queen. I have horrid visions of what this gal is going to turn into, and yes, I place the majority of blame on her mother. Are our hands just tied and there is nothing we can do? Do we just do what we can with the time we have with her and hope for the best when she goes back to mom? Should we be looking into legal options for requiring her to attend psychological counseling? It's just so sad.
turnera Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I'm not sure I see a need for psychological help. She's seeking out validation. Very common for someone her age whose father doesn't live with her. Sit down with your SO and determine ahead of time how you will react to each of her issues, so there is no battle. For instance, baby talk should be an issue of sitting down with her and saying "You're 12 years old, and I know you have a wonderful voice. Talking in baby talk is not necessary and in fact not something we (notice the 'we') want to promote, because it will cause you issues with other people. So we are going to have to draw a line about it. If you talk to us in baby talk, we will not respond. As soon as you repeat your request like the young lady we know you are, we'll be happy to discuss whatever you want to talk about." Same thing for acting out. "You're too old to be acting out; you're a young lady now and we expect you to act like one. If you choose to (fill in blank), we will have to respond by revoking a privilege (fill in blank). It's your choice to act out, of course; just know that you will have to experience a consequence if you do." And then carry through! For her weight, what are you guys doing in terms of being active? If you can be the ones to show her there's fun to be had if you get out and do things like biking or hiking, she may choose to model it. But it will have to be done as a family activity, not as punishment. If you have a dog, start taking the dog for walks to the park. Tell her that you provide her with great food and all she needs at her age, and the constant requests for additional food are going to be ignored. Then do so! Bottom line, just keep modeling good behavior. And give her knowledge of what her consequences will be to each issue, and then follow through. Once you have let her know what they will be, then it's on HER if she chooses to do it anyway.
dtruth Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 But she has some issues. One is that she is desperate for attention. She will do whatever she has to in order to get it, whether it's to get a laugh out of someone, or even if she has to push buttons and get reprimanded. KikiW, my belief is humans in general when they are depressed or lacking attention look for it on their terms. That means she is looking for attention on her terms, which isn't necessarily right, wrong or indifferent - it just is. As such her dynamic is part of what I believe is driving you crazy and making you feel hopeless. While you are certainly taking measured steps to demonstrate your love, I do not believe that is the real problem. I think the problem is she may be stuck in the tactic in which she is looking for help. It may be due to a feeling of worthlessness and having that confirmed when you responded negatively due to the timing in which she is looking for attention. It is also my belief that in order to break this cycle or dynamic you will have to recognize these moments and take the time to be there for her. Be prepared to drop everything and steer her into an comfortable environment, say a car ride to the store for ice cream or a walk around the block. I think its important to keep the conversation light and warm (safe) allowing her to warm up and express whatever it is that she may want to discuss - be prepared for ANYTHING (don't act shocked or heavy handed - you may not get a second change at this). For me personally, bottled up feelings is much like having the unbearable pressure of having to 'pee'. You get jumpy, sometimes desperate and often steer conversations in a manner others may not understand. Peace
lolapalooza Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Kiki, All you can do is the best you can for her while she is with you, and make sure you are consistant every time she visits you. You have no control over her mother, and yes, it is very likely that all the skills you teach her will be completely undone once she goes home. But you mustn't waver, you mustn't give up just because it seems to be a lost cause. Continue to enforce your boundaries and make your rules. If nothing else, you will have set out the expectations of behavior for every time she visits you, and hopefully will not have to start over every time. She will know the rules of your hoe, whether she follows them in her mother's home. You must continue to provide a good example, even though her mother does not. No matter how she turns out, she will look back on her time with you and thank you for the boundaries you set and the skills you taught her.
dtruth Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) I apologize for not reading your entire post. Fortunately I think you have some good advice from a few here already, such as turnera. I completely agree with the aspect of validation, as we all seek it. They have covered it nicely. What I would also suggest, and is something I have found to be paramount with my own children is creating an easy and identifiable structure for her. Structure should include a proven and visible structure that you love and care for her regardless of her actions or behaviors. This provides the environment in which to make mistakes without the sigma of failing. She's got to learn that mistakes are necessary to grow from. If you have any knowledge of the Boy Scout structure and environment, you will recognize this immediately. For this not only helps her by validating she is loved, but more importantly that she is responsible and capable of changing and validating her life and her world. In addition as you run into points of contention be sure to offer the solutions. What I mean by this is simple. When my children speak unkindly to my wife I respond with "I'm Sorry Mom". Now while they may wish to argue how unfair the world is, I am offering them the only viable outcome to their actions, an apology. More specifically, what to say. Most parents do this, but typically when children are younger and usually with strangers. For instance when an outsider provides them a gift, the parent redirects with "What do you say?" (Thank You being the correct response). I believe this concept is huge, particularly if you want to get into her head and redirect her bad thoughts and responses with new ones. You are restructuring her positive capabilities that she obviously is lacking in, particularly since her own mom has been programming her in such a negative way. I believe by providing her such support and structure she will eventually find the validation she needs from herself, which is key. From there she can begin to build a new life with the tools you have provided her, and most likely habits to benefit her new outlook. I am sure she will gladly extinguish the old patterns and habits she was initially taught. One last thing, and this is not something I can speak first hand about since I am not in your situation. I believe it would serve her well in the event she marries and becomes a mom one day to use these moments of discussion and redirection to pepper in how a mom should react. In other words help her build a new base of 'What To Do's so when he has a 1 year old. She can react in a way that is contrary to the actual and only memory she has as a 1 year herself. When I was raising my own kids, I didn't have good examples and it was difficult to notice such patterns in my own life. But through focus, redirection or consciously choosing to do what you feel is right a better outcome is realized. Best of wishes, for your days are certainly filled with work ahead. Look for signs of improvement and pray for support. But please keep your own focus on the ultimate outcome. I believe this will provide you the long term peace of mind to do what's right even when you are tired and may feel like giving up. You are better people for wanting to make a difference - good for you! Edited June 28, 2010 by dtruth
PrettyinInk Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 it seems as though she is seeking attention; but perhaps the wrong person is giving her the attention, i realize this is all told from your perspective, so this may not be the case, but it seems like you interact with her more than her father does. she wants attention from her father- when he reads with her she reads more- this demonstrates how important that time is to her. she never sees her father, she wants to spend time with him when she can. it might be difficult for you to take the back seat, or maybe your husband is not interested in spending a lot of extra time with a twelve year old, but he really needs to take the lead in this situation. maybe they can workout together? this is something they can do while she is with you (go on walks or bike rides) and after she leaves, they can have compititions to see who did what the longest (jump rope, jogging, anything physical!) this will most certianly get her in a positive midset, keep her connected with her father when she is not around, and more focused on fitness and nutrition, which seems to be another issue. good luck!
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 You don't have it easy and neither does your step-daughter. How long have her parents been divorced? I'm wondering if her behavior may improve as she adjusts to having divorced parents. Is her mother particularly uncooperative because the divorce is fairly recent? Is your marriage recent and has it possibly sparked resentment within either of them? Do you and your husband want full custody? Do you feel her mother will reject any attempts to address her daughter's emotional or weight issues, simply because the suggestion is coming from your husband? I don't think your husband should have flown to pick her up. While I think her feelings should be given consideration, that particular act may have encouraged her to be resistant or demanding and legitimized her fear of flying. Having said that, I do think he should spend time "one on one" with his daughter. Kids realize more than you think and it won't be long before your step-daughter starts realizing her mother's and father's faults, who has her best interest at heart, who has been honest with her, etc. She'll appreciate genuine attempts on your part to treat her like family.
Author KikiW Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Everyone has offered a lot of good advice. I am taking it all in and will definitely share it with SO. As for TX's questions - her parents have been divorced for about a year and a half, separated for 2. Her mother was horribly difficult throughout the divorce and often involved daughter in the conflict whether it was by starting trouble in front of her or planting negative seeds in her ears. SO and I are not married, although we have plans to move forward within the next year. We would gladly take full custody, however, we know that is 99% unlikely. She is attached to her mother's hip, and would not dream on leaving her friends and other family. Not to mention the fight her mother would put up (which baffles me, knowing how many times per week she dumps her as someone else's house to go out to the bar. I suspect it's the draw of a monthly check as much as anything else). Her mother made a snippy comment about SO having to do something about her weight because there's nothing SHE can do - no matter what we do it will only be temporary. She will not follow through on her end, another reason why trying to find a professional for daughter to talk to will fail. Mother will simply tell daughter that her dad thinks she's crazy, further drive a wedge in. I don't think he should have flown either, but she refused to fly unless someone was with her. Should he have just not had her come at all? It was a no-win situation. I will definitely work harder to minimize reprimands and increase re-direction and positive reinforcement. I am far from a perfect person, and have some brand new stressors to deal with regarding my own ex with regards to my daughter, in the midst of all this also currently going on. And I think SO DOES need to spend more quality time with her. He is working a full time job and going to school 2 nights a week, so yes, the majority of time she is with me. I will talk to him about that and see if I can get them to do more father/daughter stuff. He has been fairly stressed out, however, because of limited spending cash - has wanted to take her places, do things with her, but the things they used to to cost money like going out to dinner or to the mall. Last night we spoke about it and he feels like he is competing with his ex, who rarely cooks at home and just spends spends spends. This shows clearly in daughter's comment the first day she was here "I don't like to read books. I just like to spend money." Sigh* Off to start my day - thanks again everyone.
turnera Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Here are some ideas for things he can do with her (or you, too), that don't cost much: Take a blanket outside and lay on it and watch clouds Make a picnic for the back yard Read a book together Take turns picking out a movie to watch Bring out the board games, at least once a week Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month Start gardening together Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits Take walks Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball Get bikes and start riding bikes together Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year Plan some day trips, start taking one every month Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable) Volunteer together Join a church or get more involved in your church Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house Organize a block party Organize a family reunion Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc. As for ex vs him, sure she can undo stuff. But his daughter will SENSE that what he offers is loving, stable, smart, right, and stress-free. Over the years, she will 'get it' if you are consistent, and she will come to seek out your way of doing things. Maybe not right away, maybe not even until she's a young adult, but it WILL sink in.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 You've received great advice and I just have a small comment about your SO's daughter's thoughts about food. I was an overweight teenager (at around her age, from 10-14 about) and I remember my mom trying to convince me to choose healthy options (yogurt, fruit instead of cake). I would ask for the cake for the simple reason that... I was hungry. Basically, her diet has changed since being at your house and she might be losing weight. This means that there's a discrepancy in her metabolism. Now we all know that our bodies want to maintain themselves at their metabolic rate. So, if she weighed 200 pounds and lost 5 pounds, her body will try to re-estrablish the lost 5 pounds (which it perceives as the normal weight until her metabolism adjusts). That's likely why she's hungry and thinking about food (and the next meal). I think you're doing the right thing. Consider adding fiber-rich snacks to her foods as fiber will leave her feeling satisfied longer. One snack that works particularly well in this regard are nuts (make sure to ration to a handful, as they do remain high in fat). Hummus and pita also provides a good source of fiber, as well as peanut-butter toast. Basically, while none of these can be considered low-fat, they do provide a dollop of nutrients and, more importantly, fiber. Of course, you can also suggests she eat cereal. Hope it helps. And, as a teenager, she will most likely soon want to lose weight on her own. Whatever you teach her now about healthy eating will help her for the long run. She will notice and learn.
califnan Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 All posts had good ideas incl Turnera's last post. Excepting for sharing with your SO's daughter your positive thoughts as to how she could improve on her life - you really don't have much say in her life - excepting for the weeks she is with you. As organized as you are - even if you were her stepmother, it would still be only your place to share positive improvements with her - as a friend. You have done well in teaching her about diet, the dangers of using things like benedryl for sleeping, and to help her out of acting, speaking younger than her age. She would probably wish for her mother to have custody.. When she is older, perhaps she would wish to share more of her life with her father - as well as her mother.
fooled once Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 This will be a little long, I apologize in advance. By no means will I be able to describe the entire situation from all angles, so feel free to ask questions or look for clarification. We are just at a roadblock and could use the advice of some from outside the situation that may see something we do not. Ok, first I want to say that his daughter is INCREDIBLY sweet, very smart, creative, has a great sense of humor, and has a very good level of self esteem. She is 12 - in that tween stage where she likes boys from her Nickelodeon/Disney channel shows, and plays the flash games on Facebook. She will usually ask for permission to do things like watch TV or use the computer. She does not barge into the bedroom unannounced. On arrival, we (my SO, myself, my daughter and his daughter) reviewed the "Family Rules" (general stuff about turning off lights, speaking respectfully to each other, that kind of thing) and for the most part they are followed. In general, she is a good kid. But she has some issues. One is that she is desperate for attention. She will do whatever she has to in order to get it, whether it's to get a laugh out of someone, or even if she has to push buttons and get reprimanded. We try to give her as much positive attention as possible, but we certainly have limits - jobs, night school, my own daughter, and just some down time for ourselves. What we've noticed however, is that if we give her too much positive attention, she is encouraged to push the envelope. Give an inch, she'll go 17 miles. We certainly don't want to turn her into the most Serious 12 Year Old Ever, but it's to the point where if we don't tell her to settle down right after she starts up, she goes nuts. How often does she see her father? I take it this is the first time you have met her as you say you have talked to her on the phone before, but you say nothing about meeting her before. Key points (I did not read the other posts)... she sees that dad now has another 'little girl' living with HER dad. This other girl is getting HER father full time. At 12, this is a LOT to process. she has not had to share him with anyone really and now, this other girl has moved into her dad's house and has her dad full time. of course she is screaming for attention - any attention. Hopefully, by the time the visit ends, she will have calmed down a bit. I know you can't see if from her end, but please try to. She feels as if her place has been taken. She is fighting for 'her' dad. For instance, the first day after she arrived, she spent the day with me and my daughter (who is 9) while her dad was at work. They had a great time (some mild sibling rivalry but all in all fun day), but by the end of the day she was nearly uncontrollable. Long story short, I was beside myself after she landed on the floor in the hallway wearing just her underwear and cackling maniacally. I had to speak sharply in order for her to go put clothes on, as the window shades were clearly wide open and we live in a busy apartment complex not to mention being completely inappropriate in the first place. why is a 12 year old in her underwear completely inappropriate? Maybe at her mom's house, they do this. Heck, at 12, my son ran around in his underwear all the time. Nothing inappropriate about it. Plus, she may be used to not having to duck down because of curtains being open. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with hanging out in her underwear - probably covers more than most bikini's on teens We have also been trying to quash a particularly aggravating habit - she talks in baby talk. It has gotten better but I've had to speak to her many MANY times about it. Half the time it's completely nonsensical words, other times she pitches her voice as though she is a little girl about 2-3. She DOES have a normal speaking voice, but honestly I was shocked the first time I'd heard it because I've talked with her frequently over the past two years or so and this trip was the first time I've heard it. One of the times I spoke to her about the baby talk, I made sure to praise how lovely her regular voice was and it would be so nice to hear it more often. It's helped, but it still comes back. This is very normal for girls her age, especially those who have divorced parents. I know many friends who have gone through this with their tween stepdaughters. Along with the baby talk, she frequently acts like she is dumb. She isn't, but for some reason puts it out there that she is. When I told her she would need to read more than one chapter of her summer reading book (chapters being about 3 pages long) she put up such a fuss about it. When I cracked the whip, so to speak, I had her reading up to 8 or 9 chapters a day, and once her dad sat with her and had her read to him aloud, she was knocking out another 3 or 4 chapters on her own. I am so proud of her for getting so interested in reading that she's finished 2 more books and is looking forward to reading the next one. I had a serious talk with her at one point about her "dumb" act, and pointed out that if she acts dumb, people will perceive her as dumb, just like if she acts like a baby, people will perceive her as a baby. I don't know if she ever fully understood the point I was trying to make. She is looking for reassurance from her dad. She is also caught in that not a kid, not a teen phase. Another challenge has been her weight, which is horribly unhealthy. She is 200 pounds and about 5'3". She has no interest in learning about healthy foods. She will eat what I serve (I make as balanced a meal as I can and portion appropriately), and I have allowed her to snack on something like apples, bananas and yogurt, but it's a CONSTANT subject. Unfailingly she always asks if there is more after eating the first plate of dinner (I have learned to immediately put remaining food in the refrigerator and only offer a small healthy snack as a second course). We are out and about and she talks about where she wants to go to eat. What she wants to eat when we go there. How good the food is at the place her mother takes her. When can we go have food at XYZ restaurant? Can we stop here for ice cream? I'd like a smoothie. What do you mean you don't eat at McDonalds?... we are on a VERY strict budget and cannot afford to go out to eat except very special occassions. Our meals are planned around being home, and I do not plan what I am making more than an hour or 2 in advance, but she constantly wants to know what were having for the next meal. We are saddened that no matter what we do, her mother will simply stop off at McDonalds on the way from picking her up at the end of the 5 weeks. It's breaking our hearts. Been there, done that. My stepdaughter was 10 and over 200 lbs. it was heartbreaking. It is obvious your SO's daughter uses food as a comfort. She looks forward to meals. It is the ONLY thing she feels she can control - eating. She may also be used to having whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She also has no knowledge of healthy eating, because it is far and between that you will find a tween who DOES 'get it' about healthy eating, especially if she doesn't have someone teaching it to her. Reassure her about meal times and maybe each morning, let her know the plan for the daily meals. Let her know lunch will be PB&J and apple slices at noon, a snack of yogurt at 2, some graham crackers at 4 and dinner of xxyyz at 6 pm. She is in pain, emotional pain, and using food to comfort her. Please make sure you don't criticize her or expect her to know better - she doesn't. Food is her crutch -- she isn't old enough or mature enough to understand that -- she just knows eating makes her happy and brings her some comfort. Which brings me to her mother. This woman is a brilliant manipulator. She has planted horrible seeds in SO's daughter - just ONE example is that she made her terrified to fly on a plane by saying she doesn't want the plane to crash and daughter to die! SO had to fly to his home state and pick her up, and will have to do so to bring her home. With such a tight budget, this is a real strain and limits a good deal of "fun" stuff we can do, like take an overnight trip to Washington DC, or other things like that we would have liked to do with the daughters. In the meantime, her mother just today went to an amusement park and told her all about the fun time she had there - of course SO's daughter wants to know when WE can go to the amusement park close to us... At $50/person, plus food and drinks, we can't afford it. Has she ever flow alone before? If not, how can you expect her to NOT be afraid to fly and ALONE at that? My stepdaughter was 14 before she went on her first plane trip, with us, and she was terrified the entire time. My son on the other hand was flying alone by 10 and was confident. Plus, most airlines require a babysitting fee. I think it was a good idea for dad to fly with her. It was good time for them to spend together. Again, it isn't HER fault that she is afraid - she just was. Maybe next time, she won't be so afraid. But some people - as adults - have a fear of flying. Might be best to plan for him to also fly next time, even if it turns out he won't have to. That way, you will have budgeted for it. And of course her mother did this - about the amusement park. Many bio mom's do this - especially if they think their child is having too much fun at dad's house. It isn't right and the ONLY person being hurt is the child, but this is very common. Sucks, but there is nothing that can be done. All you can do is explain to your SO's daughter that going to an amusement park wasn't planned this time, maybe next time. We've also had to wean her off Benedryl - because of her mother. Her mother uses benedryl to make her settle down or get her to sleep. I can't tell you how many times she would ask for medication and pretend to have a stuffy nose. WTF kind of parent drugs up their kid like this??? LOL - I know a ton of parents that have done this - back in my day, it was dimeatap. Helps calm kids down and make them tired. In fact, when my son was young, DOCTORS recommended this. I have a therapist who has dealt with kids in the past, but she no longer does and doesn't currently have SO's healthplan, which means we would have to pay her out of pocket (back to another budget issue). Took her advice to try and find someone for her to talk with on his plan, he made many calls, none of which were returned. He floated the idea of having someone for her to talk to and she completely balked - adamantly refused to do it saying she "didn't want to talk to some stranger..." I am not sure why you feel she needs to see a therapist - can you explain this more? Because of her weight? Outside of that, I don't see anything 'wrong' with your SO's daughter. She is acting out - she is jealous that some other kid gets HER dad full time, she doesn't have the capacity to process her parents divorce (every kid does this differently and in different time frames - just because one kid has no reaction or is 'over it' in a few days/months, doesn't mean this 12 year old will be the same way.) Have you ever watched an Oprah show where adults whose parents divorced as a kid have been on? Many have said it took them YEARS to deal with it and during their growing up years, they dealt with step parents who expected them to be over it and not cause issues or act a certain way or felt pushed out by dad/mom's new boyfriend/girlfriend or new step siblings, etc. Many felt the loss of the parent for years, even if they were only 3-5 at the time of the divorce. Ok, I should probably just take a deep breath here and let someone read this and see what advice might come. Again, sorry for the novel, and happy to answer any questions. HELP! My answers are in bold. I have been living in step life for over 12 years with a step son and a step daughter (and I had my own son from a previous marriage.) My son adapted beautifully - probably because he got more attention from his stepfather than his own father. My step kids - not so much. We have dealt with jail, drugs, alcohol, dropping out of high school, weight issues, vandalism, stealing from us, running away, etc. They are both grown now and moved many thousands of miles away, but it doesn't stop just because they are grown and away. Additionally, no 2 parents parent alike - especially those that are divorced. They divorced for reasons - partly because they didn't like/love each other anymore. No way are they going to parent together well. Your SO's ex has her way, you have your way. I feel like your SO isn't spending much time with his daughter. Makes me wonder why he had her come out and visit if he wasn't going to spend time with her (and she may very well wonder that too). He only gets her so often, besides work (which he could take a week off from possibly) he needs to be spending GOOD quality time with her - which doesn't mean taking her places and spending money. He needs solid 1-1 time so she can feel special to him, so she can feel like she hasn't been replaced. Not only is she competing for his time with you, but also your daughter. My heart breaks for these kids who have to go through this ... and by no means am I saying YOU are doing anything wrong. But your SO needs to STEP UP and BE A DAD to his daughter and spend time with her, talking with her, etc while she is here. One day, he may look back and realize he screwed up -- nothing should be more important to him than parenting his daughter and since he is a long distance dad - he needs to drop the other stuff and be there for her. It is obvious to me that she is screaming for his attention, his love, his time .... GOOD LUCK and hopefully things get better as the summer progresses.
boshemia Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I agree that some great advice has been offered already but I also believe that you have every reason to be concerned. Not only am I in a very similar situation with a ten year old child, but I also have first hand experience in being that child... Emotional manipulation can have very serious consequences for a child. Whether people recognize it or not, many of the things you have listed are some red flags to watch for when dealing with an abused child. Almost all of them are... Emotional abuse is abuse too, it just isn't as blatant as the physical and sexual kind yet the problems that can come out of it are every bit as serious. The baby-talk, the pushing limits, the constant need for attention... these can all be byproducts of divorce alone, but when you mention the mother's actions... you hit a button. I think an evaluation with a therapist is a good idea, because something far more serious could be going on. I really think you need professional advice in this case because all of the signs are pointing to something far more serious than just a child with a few minor boundary issues. Call your local center for mental health, they usually have a six session plan or something of that sort - and a sliding fee scale that can make the beginning visits more affordable.
Author KikiW Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 GRRR, I had a huge response with quotes all prettied up and LS decides to crash out on me yesterday. Here's try #2... How often does she see her father? I take it this is the first time you have met her as you say you have talked to her on the phone before, but you say nothing about meeting her before. Before he moved here last November she saw him every other weekend, when he moved here she flew up with his mother for a week at Christmastime, then he flew down twice in late winter and again in spring, and she is now about 3 weeks in to her 6 week stay. I have met her several times before in person as well as spent time on webcam. Key points (I did not read the other posts)... she sees that dad now has another 'little girl' living with HER dad. This other girl is getting HER father full time. At 12, this is a LOT to process. she has not had to share him with anyone really and now, this other girl has moved into her dad's house and has her dad full time. of course she is screaming for attention - any attention. Hopefully, by the time the visit ends, she will have calmed down a bit. I know you can't see if from her end, but please try to. She feels as if her place has been taken. She is fighting for 'her' dad. Actually, I DO see it from her perspective. I understand more than you know... My own parents split when I was 5, so yes I get all that. My problem is no matter what approach we try to take, the behavior escalates way more often than not. why is a 12 year old in her underwear completely inappropriate? Maybe at her mom's house, they do this. Heck, at 12, my son ran around in his underwear all the time. Nothing inappropriate about it. Plus, she may be used to not having to duck down because of curtains being open. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with hanging out in her underwear - probably covers more than most bikini's on teens I hear you on the bikinis on teens, but I have to disagree with this. SO's daughter gets upset when my daughter changes from day clothes to night clothes in the room they share in front of her, and even though she has a very cute one-piece swimsuit she refuses to enter a pool unless she has a shirt and long shorts covering it. Falling on the floor in her underwear and cackling has nothing to do with her personal comfort level, it was an attention seeking act. Not to mention the fact that no one else in the house hangs out in their skivvies. I am not comfortable with her running around like that. Re: baby talk... This is very normal for girls her age, especially those who have divorced parents. I know many friends who have gone through this with their tween stepdaughters. Except this did not start with her parents' split. This is a lifelong behavior that she mimicked from her mother. According to SO, his ex developed this odd habit of talking in baby talk AFTER they got married (which creeps me the HELL OUT). Since having the daughter, it has passed on to her. SO tried many times over the years to minimize it, but it's a losing battle. I even hear it begin to return the second she talks to her mother on the phone. Been there, done that. My stepdaughter was 10 and over 200 lbs. it was heartbreaking. It is obvious your SO's daughter uses food as a comfort. She looks forward to meals. It is the ONLY thing she feels she can control - eating. She may also be used to having whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She also has no knowledge of healthy eating, because it is far and between that you will find a tween who DOES 'get it' about healthy eating, especially if she doesn't have someone teaching it to her. Reassure her about meal times and maybe each morning, let her know the plan for the daily meals. Let her know lunch will be PB&J and apple slices at noon, a snack of yogurt at 2, some graham crackers at 4 and dinner of xxyyz at 6 pm. She is in pain, emotional pain, and using food to comfort her. Please make sure you don't criticize her or expect her to know better - she doesn't. Food is her crutch -- she isn't old enough or mature enough to understand that -- she just knows eating makes her happy and brings her some comfort. Oh I am sure never to criticize her at all - that would be unfair on so many levels. But I do criticize foods and give the reasons why... Unfortunately I cannot give her the day's menu ahead of time. Often I am unsure of what meals will be until an hour or so beforehand... We are on such a tight budget right now, many of my meals are tossed together from some leftovers and this and that. I also learned that she gets very upset if things don't go exactly as planned, so I have to speak in some general terms so I have some breathing room. (In fact, she JUST came to talk to me and I told her that as soon as her clothes were out of the dryer it should be close to snack time... she said "wait it's not snack time now???" I said "no, hon, it's only 9:45. snack time is at 10:30".) So yes, I stay as consistent as possible with meal times. Every morning she has breakfast of her choosing - nothing fat laden like cheesy omlettes or something, that might be a Sunday morning breakfast, snack is some goldfish crackers or an apple, lunch is ONE sandwich (she almost always asks for another one) with some pretzels and a yogurt (if she wants more I direct her to all the carrot sticks she wants), a snack in the mid-afternoon (again, an apple, yogurt or something like that), and then a healthy dinner (where she always wants to know if there is more of whatever the unhealthiest thing on the plate is). I understand that she has food issues, and I am doing my very best to be positive about the foods I am serving (as well as the portions), but at some point I am overwhelmed by the incessant stalking of food on other people's plates, constant and predictable pleads for a stop at whatever greasy fast food place or ice cream shop we just passed, or the litany of horrific foods her mother feeds her that she ABSOLUTELY LOVES AND CANT WAIT TO EAT AGAIN. *sigh* Has she ever flow alone before? If not, how can you expect her to NOT be afraid to fly and ALONE at that? My stepdaughter was 14 before she went on her first plane trip, with us, and she was terrified the entire time. My son on the other hand was flying alone by 10 and was confident. Plus, most airlines require a babysitting fee. I think it was a good idea for dad to fly with her. It was good time for them to spend together. Again, it isn't HER fault that she is afraid - she just was. Maybe next time, she won't be so afraid. But some people - as adults - have a fear of flying. Might be best to plan for him to also fly next time, even if it turns out he won't have to. That way, you will have budgeted for it. Yes she has flown before, but I do see your point about children and even adults having fears of flying. I will certainly take your advice about budgeting way ahead of time for the next time. I guess I was reacting mostly to the way her mother really just set her own daughter up to have this fear, I just wanted to fly down and punch her in the face for it. And of course her mother did this - about the amusement park. Many bio mom's do this - especially if they think their child is having too much fun at dad's house. It isn't right and the ONLY person being hurt is the child, but this is very common. Sucks, but there is nothing that can be done. All you can do is explain to your SO's daughter that going to an amusement park wasn't planned this time, maybe next time. Again, another thing her mom really needs a punch in the face for. Re: medicating your children...LOL - I know a ton of parents that have done this - back in my day, it was dimeatap. Helps calm kids down and make them tired. In fact, when my son was young, DOCTORS recommended this. Yeah I know it was more common, but I didn't know anyone who did it EVERY DAY. I am not sure why you feel she needs to see a therapist - can you explain this more? Because of her weight? Outside of that, I don't see anything 'wrong' with your SO's daughter. She is acting out - she is jealous that some other kid gets HER dad full time, she doesn't have the capacity to process her parents divorce (every kid does this differently and in different time frames - just because one kid has no reaction or is 'over it' in a few days/months, doesn't mean this 12 year old will be the same way.) Have you ever watched an Oprah show where adults whose parents divorced as a kid have been on? Many have said it took them YEARS to deal with it and during their growing up years, they dealt with step parents who expected them to be over it and not cause issues or act a certain way or felt pushed out by dad/mom's new boyfriend/girlfriend or new step siblings, etc. Many felt the loss of the parent for years, even if they were only 3-5 at the time of the divorce. Like I said, my own parents split when I was 5. I have a good general idea straight from experience what's going on in her head, and yes, for me it took YEARS before I was able to resolve a lot of my earlier issues. It took 3 different therapists at 3 different times of my life in order to do this. I believe in having a person who is able to offer outside perspective who has experience in dealing with these types of issues. I do not think there is anything "wrong" with her, but I see how finding someone who could help her sort out her feelings, begin to talk about them and find ways to deal with them could be incredibly beneficial for her. This is very tough stuff for everyone, and we're all doing our best, but I really think that could help her. Problem is mom would NEVER follow through on it, especially if there was ANY chance SHE was to blame for ANY part no matter how small. Additionally, no 2 parents parent alike - especially those that are divorced. They divorced for reasons - partly because they didn't like/love each other anymore. No way are they going to parent together well. Your SO's ex has her way, you have your way. Agreed, but disagree as well. My ex and I get along wonderfully, we always consult each other about decisions that affect our daughter and always speak well of each other to our daughter - even if we disagree about something we make sure she is never around to hear us discuss it. I do not understand people who use their children as weapons. I get that most divorces do go as well as mine did, but when there are children who need love and support, I do not understand the selfish need to make them miserable in an attempt to turn them against the other parent. It's frustrating and upsetting, and neither SO nor I see anything in particular that we can do that will last longer than the time she is here, if it lasts that long at all. I feel like your SO isn't spending much time with his daughter. Makes me wonder why he had her come out and visit if he wasn't going to spend time with her (and she may very well wonder that too). He only gets her so often, besides work (which he could take a week off from possibly) he needs to be spending GOOD quality time with her - which doesn't mean taking her places and spending money. He needs solid 1-1 time so she can feel special to him, so she can feel like she hasn't been replaced. Not only is she competing for his time with you, but also your daughter. My heart breaks for these kids who have to go through this ... and by no means am I saying YOU are doing anything wrong. But your SO needs to STEP UP and BE A DAD to his daughter and spend time with her, talking with her, etc while she is here. One day, he may look back and realize he screwed up -- nothing should be more important to him than parenting his daughter and since he is a long distance dad - he needs to drop the other stuff and be there for her. It is obvious to me that she is screaming for his attention, his love, his time .... I have spoken with him about this - I get the impression he was trying to spend time with ALL of us so no one was feeling left out, and I had to assure him that it was fine if he and she went off to do something father/daughter... that me and my daughter could do something else on our own. I think he was worried that someone would feel excluded, and in his zeal to make everyone happy he was overlooking the obvious. He realizes this and already has specific times when they will pack a picnic and go to lunch at a park, do some walking and that not. Hopefully the next few days will bring some good memories for everyone.
turnera Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Yeah, I think the one on one time will likely be the most powerful weapon in your arsenal. To help her know that he still wants HER, period. My dad was a douche, but I still treasure - and remember - every time he ever bothered to spend time with me. It's that important for a girl her age. Did I recommend www.daughters.com? Awesome website for girls her age and their parents, too.
Author KikiW Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Thank you, Turnera, I have just clicked through to that website and already see a wealth of information. I will be sure to read through it more. New conflicts have risen the past few nights... particularly my daughter is beginning to stress out and get irritable. I am seeing more and more that conflicts just escalate out of control from a simple misunderstanding, a misperceived action or something along those lines. Just tonight she was in my arms in tears because she asked SO's daughter to stop calling me "mommy" because it was making her uncomfortable and SO's daughter refused and got smart back at her. After getting her calmed and back into bed, I became a blubbering mess with SO - what do I do with that? My daughter is freaked that someone else is calling me her mother, but SO's daughter shouldn't be told not to call me that. Such a simple little thing, but it means so much to both. I just feel more and more out of my league, and I am trying so hard to keep things calm and rational. (sorry, it's been a rough 3 days now, many ups and downs and it's taken its toll on me. very raw right now) Thanks everyone who has read and/or responded so far. I will continue to check back for further opinions, I do value them.
turnera Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I would sit them both down together, with you and SO, and explain how the family needs to work. Explain how stepparents work, and explain how blended families will NEVER change how a parent loves his or her child. Also explain the benefits, like having a sister.
Eve Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Yeah, I think the one on one time will likely be the most powerful weapon in your arsenal. To help her know that he still wants HER, period. My dad was a douche, but I still treasure - and remember - every time he ever bothered to spend time with me. It's that important for a girl her age. Did I recommend www.daughters.com? Awesome website for girls her age and their parents, too. What an interesting site! I would go for ideas that aim to normalise her behaviour above all else... not the therapy route as yet as she is still very young. I would focus on changes within her environment. So, I say Dad needs to commit to something with his daughter that reaches beyond the time he is with her. I am not sure what.. but it would need to be a joint venture such as taking an interest in a shelter for animals or something. Have regular calls about this and arrange stuff around this interest. When she is with her Mum, try and see if it is possible for her to have some sort of mentor via school. An older, responsible young person can really impact behaviours that adults cant get their head around. I am concerned about the childs weight. She should be half the weight she is. Maybe start a tradition within the family, for example having fruit in the morning and always going to the park before dinner. BUT.. if family members are overweight, I think they should lose the weight in the first instance, in order to lead by example and all that.. without pressuring her. Lastly, lots of activities with peers during the weeks ahead should help this young lady to develop new motivations of her own. Go for a range of activities, not just sport, so that she mixes with different types of people. Even do a spot of volunteering with her.. The world is your oyster... But yeah, I think you are doing a grand job, OP. Take care, Eve xx
Author KikiW Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 That's the problem Eve, as soon as she leaves our custody, her mother will do whatever she wants, particularly if it gets back at her dad in any way. He can make suggestions that would GREATLY improve daughter's behavior, and life in general, but her mother is spiteful and quick to place blame on others for her own shortcomings. I agree that her weight is a HUGE (no pun intended at all) issue, and it wasn't until SO pointed out that since she has come, her belly is no longer bursting out of her t-shirts, she has dropped in weight (not a lot, but noticible). I make sure she eats 5 or more times a day, only smaller and healthier portions. Though her mother told SO "you need to do something about her weight" (implying that it's all his fault anyway so he needs to fix it in the 6 weeks we have her), I can bet a large sum of money that as soon as she sees her, she will be screaming into the phone about how we starved her. Her mother is very overweight, and the pictures I have seen of extended family are all about the same. Even SO comes from a heavyset family. I think part of it is the southern cooking - everything is very fried and very fattening. Since she will be going back to school shortly after she returns, I will encourage SO to contact the school and see if he can reach a counselor there. Hopefully they can find some ways to improve things without having to involve her mother very much (or at least not mention that it came from dad). This has been quite a learning experience, and I know we are pretty much at the limit of what we can do. Her mother sets an atrocious example, and there's no way we are going to change that - she is her mother and would love her even though she openly abuses her (in that "I will mentally mess with your head, but you will love me anyway because you see what I do to people who cross me, so don't even think about crossing me..." kind of way). I am only hoping that someday she will get the help she needs to become a better person than her mother, and that she will not have made so many poor decisions until then that she is trapped. So freaking heartbreaking.
turnera Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 But the best thing is that you two are setting up AWESOME memories, rules, and role models for her to take back home. Will she change there? Who knows? But when she thinks of her time with you, she will feel peace, and hopefully if she visits you enough, she'll start to gravitate to your way of things.
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