homersheineken Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Networking? If you really feel it's networking, then why are you on an anonymous online forum?
norajane Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) I just read through the concert thread. Your guy works in the sw consulting industry, an industry and behaviors I know very, very well. The behavior you're seeing with this other woman is typical of guys in the industry, both single and married, who are pursuing a woman. If he's not cheating on you already with this woman, he definitely would be dating her instead of you, or in addition to you, if she would let him. I suspect the main reason she's holding back is because they live in different cities. Or because she's not sure she wants to get involved...yet. I can't say for sure what her reasons are. Planning trips around opportunities to see each other and go to concerts and have dinner is typical when one of those guys is hot for a woman. They don't do this kind of thing with male colleagues, unless there's a golf game involved. While he may need to wine and dine clients, those dinners do not last until 1am. Men do not make special trips so they can go to a concert with a male colleague. Your bf didn't even know who the band was before he agreed to go there for the concert, based on that Blackberry exchange. She asked, he asked when, and instantly he put it on his schedule, and then planned some client meetings around it. He didn't even ask what band it was. One of my work colleagues completely re-arranged his schedule to meet me in Las Vegas for a couple of days because I was going there for a conference and happened to mention it to him. He had absolutely no reason to be there, but then planned a meeting or two with a couple of people on his team to legitimize it. But the only reason he was there was because it was an opportunity to take me to cocktails at a fountain-side seat for the Bellagio water-works, fancy dinner at the Wynn, and Cirque du Soleil, which I was too tired for despite him having already gotten tickets. And, yeah, the private car he hired to drive us around all night was lovely. This is not something he would have done for a male colleague. Do you get what I'm saying? She barely crooks a finger, and he's flying to see her. She's in town for a day, and he's making plans for expensive, romantic dinners that last into the wee hours of the morning. They meet in her city, his city, and cities where they both travel to. They plan their trips around opportunities to see each other. You are not wrong to be suspicious. And you have to do something about it, because this will not stop unless she stops it, for reasons of her own. What you do is up to you. Edited June 27, 2010 by norajane
norajane Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I definitely appreciate your advice and from a logical standpoint you are definitely right. The only reason I am beating myself up over this is because I have some friends of mine who are higher up in the company and they sometimes go out with business colleagues one-on-one and their SO aren't invited. My friends have sort of explained to me that it's part of the business game and that I'll undersand when I get there. The situation certainly makes me feel uncomfortable but I want to find out whether my discomfort is warranted. Trust me, this is more than that. Yes, business dinners happen - often - where SO's are not invited. But this isn't that. This is more than that. Your discomfort is very much warranted, and frankly, the alarm bells should be at high volume, red flags should be smacking you in the face. If you confront him, he will deny it. And he will tell you the colleague excuse. But he will be lying. Because there's no way you would know the difference if you weren't there, so he can get away with lying to you about it.
Author frenchgirl Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Trust me, this is more than that. Yes, business dinners happen - often - where SO's are not invited. But this isn't that. This is more than that. Your discomfort is very much warranted, and frankly, the alarm bells should be at high volume, red flags should be smacking you in the face. If you confront him, he will deny it. And he will tell you the colleague excuse. But he will be lying. Because there's no way you would know the difference if you weren't there, so he can get away with lying to you about it. Thank you for your generous analysis. While what you say makes a lot of sense, this decision would have a lot of consequences for me. And other than what I've shared with you, I have no further evidence. I went through his email once again and while there's some teasing back and forth, I found nothing incriminating in terms sexual or romantic remarks.
norajane Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I went through his email once again and while there's some teasing back and forth, I found nothing incriminating in terms sexual or romantic remarks. Of course not. And you're not likely to. But he's giving her his hand to help her out of the taxi, and he's putting his hand on her back at her waist to guide her through a crowd, and he's telling her how beautiful she looks when he sees her, and how fascinating he thinks she is when they talk during their dinners, and they're hugging and kissing each other on the cheek goodnight. Until the next trip...
aerogurl87 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Frenchgirl is this the same girl you were complaining your boyfriend was flying out to meet at a concert in another city with? If so, yeah something's up with those two.
phineas Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I am really curious. What is it about this guy that makes you put up with this crap? Be honest. Is he really good looking? Fit body? Good in bed? Is he smooth with his words? I really need to know what It takes to make me so desirable to a woman that I can get away with treating her like a complete doormat & keep her coming back for more.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 No, I would not be okay with it. From what I've gathered most posters agree they would not be okay with it. Why are you putting up with this? It's very clear that he's more worried about his date (yes, it's a date) with this girl, than he is about your feelings.
Adunaphel Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 The concert thing alone was not appropriate. These dinners would be a dealbreaker for me. Had his female friend been in the picture for *much* longer than you (let's say years), had you met her, had you at least been invited, it might be different. I go with Norajane's posts..
harmfulsweetz Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I have to agree with every single poster on this thread, all excellent and sound advice-especially norajane, who has really told you exactly what DOES happen on these 'dinners/dates'. No one goes to an upscale restaurant and pays that sort of money unless there's strings attached-just colleagues? Well, they would go to an appropriate venue-i.e. a small, casual place, at an appropriate time until an appropriate time, and you'd be invited. You're not happy with this, it DOES NOT matter if other people would be, it matters that you are not. He cares more about this date, than you. Simple. You may have no concrete evidence to suggest anything has happened between the two of them-but I'd say it's only a matter of time if it hasn't happened already.
carhill Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 How would you feel about this? Have I cooked dinner for and had a glass of wine with this friend yet? Surely, any friend of my SO is a friend of mine. I need to invite that friend over today. The more the merrier. Yes, I know the backstory. It doesn't change my advice. I pop into friend's houses all over the world for dinner. It's no big thing. Friends are valuable. You're valuable. I hope this friend visits soon
Author frenchgirl Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I spent all day wondering what to do about this and finally decided to confront him with it. Unfortunately, I ran out of courage. We had the greatest sex in a long while and now I feel like ****.
nittygritty Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I spent all day wondering what to do about this and finally decided to confront him with it. Unfortunately, I ran out of courage. We had the greatest sex in a long while and now I feel like ****. Hopefully it will only take an antibiotic to clear that up! J/K Why do you feel bad?
Author frenchgirl Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Hopefully it will only take an antibiotic to clear that up! J/K Why do you feel bad? I feel like crap because everything is pointing in the wrong direction. The "modern woman" in me thinks he should be allowed to have friends as long as he doesn't cheat on me. On the other hand, I agree with what you guys have said and it's not making me feel good.
nittygritty Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I feel like crap because everything is pointing in the wrong direction. The "modern woman" in me thinks he should be allowed to have friends as long as he doesn't cheat on me. On the other hand, I agree with what you guys have said and it's not making me feel good. What are the consequences that you previously said that you were worried about? Are you financially dependent on him or something? Whether you realize it or not, there are negative consequences for you either way. Really low self-esteem for starters. You already have more than enough evidence that he is cheating on you, simply by his actions of going on all these dates with her. "Modern woman" or not, it would be impossible to simply try to brush it off as her being his platonic female friend that he takes out for $300 dollar dinners that last until 1:00 am and/or his platonic female friend that he's willing to hop on a plane to meet and take to a concert when she asks. Even if you confront him, there is no reason to believe that he would be honest about cheating. Since you do not want to break up with him over this and if you truly want to find out the truth about his cheating then you are going to have to figure out a way to be there. Meet her. Become friends with her (even though they could still cheat, it might make it more difficult). You can either do that and accept an intolerable situation as it is. Quit looking for evidence of him cheating and prepare yourself for either a life of misery with a cheater and/or wait until one of you decides to break up.
threebyfate Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 The "modern woman" in me thinks he should be allowed to have friends as long as he doesn't cheat on me.There's no allowing or not allowing an SO to have cross-gender friends. He has full rights to have any friends he wants. But what has friendship got to do with his relationship with this other woman? Whether he's physically cheating with her or not who knows. But the two aren't solely platonic friends.
norajane Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I spent all day wondering what to do about this and finally decided to confront him with it. Unfortunately, I ran out of courage. We had the greatest sex in a long while and now I feel like ****. He will deny anything is going on. The best you can hope for is to clearly express your feelings and concerns, and lay the problem at his feet in the context of if he wants to keep you in his life. "The more I've been thinking about your relationship with x, the expensive late night dinners, and making special trips to see a concert with her, the more uncomfortable I feel. This seems to me to go far beyond what you would do with a male colleague. I feel like you are dating her, despite your assurances. "Take a moment and imagine that I were that woman and had that kind of "business" relationship with a colleague. Imagine that I came home at 1am after he's treated me to hours of expensive dinner and wine, just the two of us. Imagine that I don't do this with any of my female colleagues. Imagine if I flew out to see him to attend a concert. Can you understand why I am uncomfortable with this? "I'm not asking you to stop working with her. I am asking you to be concerned about my feelings, and to stop what appears to be treating her specially, as though you are dating. Can you do that? Can you treat her like any other colleague? If you can't be concerned for my feelings to change your behavior with her in any way, then I have to say goodbye because I can't accept things as they are." Obviously, you don't have to say all that. But something like that. The truth is, he knows he's out of line and overstepped the boundaries. He will deny he's doing anything wrong or anything out of the ordinary. But he KNOWS he is. And so far, you haven't called him out on it. So he will continue to do it. So call him out on it - tell him it's troubling you, ask him if he'd be willing to change his behavior with her in some way as to make you more comfortable, and tell him you have to walk away if he won't even consider trying to make you more comfortable. Your only chance here is if he really wants this relationship with you. He can make some changes - he doesn't have to continue this relationship with her as it is now. Certainly not for business reasons, because he does not treat his other colleagues like this. If he refuses to alter that relationship in any way, then you have your answer. He's choosing her over you.
norajane Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 The "modern woman" in me thinks he should be allowed to have friends as long as he doesn't cheat on me. The modern woman doesn't sit around and accept it when her bf is dating another woman.
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 We had the greatest sex in a long while No doubt because he was thinking about his upcoming trip to see her...
Confusedalways Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 This is exactly the mentality my best friend had about her boyfriend [who turns out he was obviously cheating, 2 years later she found that out]. Clearly you posting and you know it's bad/wrong, and we're telling you it's bad/wrong, and yet you still refuse to accept it. Hypothetically [though I don't believe it...] even if he's not cheating on you, is this how you want to be treated? Always wondering and second guessing yourself? You obviously need to nip this in the bud.
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