FishKiss Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Hi everyone, I feel so horrible to tell everyone this. I am 22, and have been in an abusive relationship for almost three years. For the first year we were together, I thought this person was the love of my life. I was so in love with this person; he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend as well. After the first year together, I started noticing his abusive behavoir. I wasn't aloud to have any friends, he told me all the time he was jealous of me having friends (he was anti-social). I always wanted him to come with me and spend time with different people, I had always invited him to social events so that he would be more comfortable(I am quite a shy butterfly as well). I can't describe my relationship very much, because I get very emotional. This person has been transferred through three different locations of work, because he always got into arguments at work. On his first day of the last job, he had also almost gotten into a first fight with female and male managers!! He even went as low as calling his female manager a b*! (I told him that it was harassment to call her that, and he could be charged) He told me I was ugly, and that not even the worst criminals deserved to be with me. He called me many names such as a cold hearted f-ing b*, a slut (I have never been with anyone else, I have never flirted with anyone else, and I do not wear revealing clothes.), he even came as low as to insult my voice!!! I am a very shy soft spoken person, and he accused me of having a sexy voice mail!!!! (My voice mail just says "Hi, Leave a message!"). I have never been to any clubs or any places to make him jealous, I don't go to very many places because I don't want to make him upset. I poured my heart into this person. I try my best to be a good person to him, I drive him everywhere. He accused me of cheating one day because I spent a few hours rollerblading with a family friend(of course, we were all suppost to go together, but my boyfriend bailed out). Last winter, I had begged him to go spend time with me and go snowboarding(a sport which he claimed he loved to do), but he got jealous that I taking lessons. He said he wanted to practice on a slope outside his house, but we never did spend time together. The night I told him I was leaving him, I cried so hard. He had sent me a picture of his sink all covered in blood. I feel like my heart is soo broken. Every waking moment I feel like I am going to cry and it's been soo long now. I felt like I failed at being a good person and a good girlfriend to him, because I had left him. I don't understand at where I went wrong. I don't know why I feel so hurt. I feel like maybe he has moved on(he stopped contacting me after I stopped picking up his phone calls). I feel as though I can't move on, because sometimes I feel really scared.
GrayClouds Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 It like coming off a drug, you know it is bad for you but there still this unhealthy craving for it. You should be proud you woke up from your nightmare to relize you deserve better. It is important to find a support system to help you through learning to stand on your own, If you can get find a professional to work with, there is support groups that can help, and pick up and read everything you can get your hands on. And keep posting. Make sure your eating well, good clean food and a regular basis, and try to get out and get in a walk in everyday. Finally try very hard not to let his weakiness erase your strengths. You deserve better and your finding it, congratulations. Remember always be kind to yourself.
jeremy_s Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 as hard as it sounds you do have to move on. if he was starting to have abusive signs then thats not good you really don't need that and there is not much you can do after you done all that to help him not be jealous. it is a very hard thing to show someone you are true to them when they don't want to see it. loving someone is one thing i can understand that you may want it to work out but you dont have to be with someone cause you love them they should have and show the same love that you showed him. I am going through a somewhat similar relationship where i was the jealous one that doesnt like revealiving clothing and all that but i got over it cause i knew my gf was mine but she broke up with me cause i need to have a career and i need to mature and we werent doing that together i wish i knew what is going to happen between us but i dont i have no clue cause she is always changing her mind one day she wants to be back with me the next she doesnt. but i know relationships are very hard you really have to be strong and pull through it someone out there is made perfect for you and maybe me but i think i found her i just have to wait to see what is going to happen. but stay strong i hope everything works out for you if you need anyone to talk to im here cause like i said its happening to me as well.but oppisite ways but its ok.
Ronni_W Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I don't understand at where I went wrong. Hugs, Fishkiss. You did NOT go wrong anywhere! How he treated you is NOT your fault, you are NOT to blame, and you did NOT deserve any of it. You most definitely were a "good" girlfriend to him; you even did your best to accommodate all his unreasonable demands and put up with all his intolerable attitudes and behaviours. Also consider that everything that was horrible was initiated by him, not by you. He was wrong not to treat you with love, kindness and respect. He is lacking the ability to appreciate and be grateful for what he has in his life. He is working from distorted perceptions and he uses dysfunctional means (manipulation and humiliation) to control others. He is negative, rude and crude. From what you posted, he has zero emotional intelligence or social competence. Until he learns a lot more interpersonal skills, he will just not be a very nice person to be around. You can rest 100% assured that you did not do anything wrong, and there was absolutely nothing that you could have done to help him grow into a better-functioning human being. Nobody can help him with that...he has to want to do it for himself, by himself. All those things he said about you and the names he called you is NOT accurate; it is NOT true! It was just his own wrong thinking, warped views and dysfunctional "coping" that made him act how, and say what, he did. You absolutely are a good person; you are lovable, acceptable, valuable and important. You did a very self-loving, brave thing by leaving him. It took strength and courage; you refused to just be a victim. I admire you for all of it. You can be proud that you stood up for yourself and got yourself out of a really, really, really bad situation. It's understandable that you're having difficulty and feeling scared about moving forward. I would encourage to contact a local women's shelter and ask them what resources are available to help you heal -- they will be able to offer you compassionate direction. You can also check self-esteem-experts.com -- they have excellent free articles that will help to rebuild your self-confidence and feelings of worth. Hugs, and very best of luck.
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