raincow Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 ld bf problem.. I've been with a nice guy for a year, it's online. He's come to stay with me for a week at a time, a few times (I've also gone to his) and it's not running perfectly exactly. I know that he truly cares for me like no one else though. My big concern is sex, he doesn't initiate it, I do, then he gives me a tight squeeze and falls asleep. Same thing every time. He's physically affectionate, hes gone down on me, and im constantly finding my hands in his crotch, I think he likes it. I've made it extremely clear that I really want sex (he's my first bf, I'm 22, he 24) It turns me off and mad when he squeezes me, it's when i rush out of bed and go and weep in a corner. I've also been physically violent, frustration. He doesn't talk to me about sex or the like, it's like it doesn't exist. He's very keen on talking though, chatting actually, more than anything. Sometimes I think it's all he wants and I'm forcing him to kiss me and stuff.. Cos he says that all he wants to do is make me happy. I've told him that I am frustrated, but then he blames it on me not giving his self esteem the push it needs (how can my hand around his penis not be the push he needs, me kissing him all over?) ?
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Wow...that is very odd. Well...when you say you have been physically violent what do you mean?
Author raincow Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 kicking to the floor, wall, hitting, scratching.. etc it started out playfully but escalated
carvidep Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 kicking to the floor, wall, hitting, scratching.. etc it started out playfully but escalated hitting and scratching the floor and wall, or your SO?
Author raincow Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Me hitting him. I stopped it though cos he didn't react, just went to sleep. Instead I tried talking to him but it was really hard, he didn't understand me and I didn't understand him saying his behaviour is my own fault cos I don't talk enough.. I never talked to him directly about sex. The words just lumped in my throat.
Spiritofnow Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 This just sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic to me. I think you both need to work on your communication skills, and your boundaries.
woody2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 This baffles me. I was in a long distance relationship and our problem was, even though we both wanted sex, we weren't sure how to know 100% if the other did so we played around and got more daring and one thing lead to another... Your definatley trying to initiate it right, for me anyway but maybe he needs something else. Let me throw out some suggestions on how to get there, it seems either he's not very sexual or he needs alot to turn him on. Have you tried talking dirty? Maybe you should tell him, in detail what you want to do to him, or want him to do to you, like, when in bed, tell him what you want in a dirty, give me it now way. I realise maybe it might be awkward but i just want to throw out ideas on how to boost his self esteem. Maybe he feels self conscious. Maybe he needs you to compliment his man hood? It sounds childish but again, ideas. Maybe he needs to feel loved. I'm not saying you don't make him feel loved but have you ever heard the phrase, "A woman needs to feel loved to have sex. A man needs sex to feel loved."... Perhaps he represents the woman of that phrase, maybe he needs emotional love to have the urge. Maybe he needs some romancing and maybe it will come. Perhaps he needs to feel special, a romantic meal, told how much he's loved. How much lifes better with him by your side, maybe thats the boost he wants? Do you know if he watches porn? What kind of porn is he into? Perhaps you could find out there what makes him tick? I'm not sure to be honest, just had a few ideas. I'm baffled by how he doesn't seem to want it when it's offered on a plate. Hope you can work it out.
Author raincow Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) Thank for your the ideas, very useful. I would've tried more verbal lovin' if only this didn't frustrate and offend me as much. Think our big problem is that we're too similar, apart from maybe our sexual drives. (Wow is this detailed or what!) I don't think he watches porn, I told him once that I been into porn since before my teens and then he went silent and didn't want to talk to me for a week It's not only the not-sexual part that frustrates me, it's his inability to be romantic too, his excuses every time I mention that I'm not happy with his ways. Figured it's better to be honest hey than just suffer in silence. I've told him to speak up more and voice his opinions but he says that he always wants what i want... He just want to avoid confrontation and arguments Edited June 27, 2010 by raincow
carvidep Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) In my personal opinion, as frustrating as it sounds to you, you need to talk to him. You might get some answers and ideas from us, but you'll never fully resolve the issue until you've brought it up with him and you've both been able to discuss it together. I hope that the replies you've received so far can provide you with enough motivation to do so. We'll still be here for you. good luck! Edited June 27, 2010 by carvidep
woody2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 haha it is all personel isn't it? Hope i'm not saying anything to make you feel uncomfortable, i joined today so am still looking for the boundaries so to speak. I agree with carvidep, it may be very frustrating to talk to him about these things but really, what is a relationship worth if you cant talk to each other? I'm not saying split up by any means but i feel you NEED to speak to him about it, he's maybe scared to offened you and maybe you feel he lacks individuality sometimes but it's like theres a lack of communication. As frustrating as it is, you need to be able to talk to him to make a sucessful relationship. You both have needs and wants but you both need to be open about them. Communication is a foundation stone to a relationship.
Ragazza Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Sounds to me like he is afraid to do it coz his confidence is shaking. I had a similar problem with my bf. He lives far away and he comes every 3-4 weeks for the whole weekend to stay near me in a hotel, we have tried to do it for quite a few times and I got soo frustrated with him coz he also hugged me and then fell asleep when I was trying to initiate something.. and I could see him wanting it too but he just stopped in the middle of everything, or even when things were about to go to the 'final' level which confused me to my very end!! I started to be a little bit off with him coz one of the reasons i thought for this kind of behavious was coz he didnt love me as much as I thought soo I decided to back off a bit and when he realised that I started to show less interest on him we started talking and he ended up telling me that he has lacking of confidence as it has been very long since he last 'done it'. Maybe a similar thing may be happening with your boyfriend, I know how frustrated u may be coz it usually its not this hard to turn on a guy :S. I think you should talk to him, tell him everything that you think the reasons for his behaviour are and maybe try and do as I did (let him think he may lose u if he doesnt get over it and talk!!).. Communication is the key for every healthy relatioship anyway
RosaRugosa Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Sorry to say this but the hitting and scratching him thing is freaking me out and I'm not even in the room. It sounds like you are acting like a wild animal, not a human being. I'm not sure what to suggest though. He may think you are so desperate for sex that it isn't actually about him, iyswim, more that you need sex no matter whether he wants it or not. And are prepared to attack him in order to get it. Can you see the difference? I hope that helps a bit.
Author raincow Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Yeah... At the end of the day even I'm a human being. Kicking/Scratching don't help anything. I just wanted some attention...What surprised me is that he didn't say a single word when I was doing it, he just thought I was being playful
HeavenOrHell Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Hitting, kicking, scratching someone is never ok. You need to get help for that. Stop abusing him.
ankit Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 u can get a dildo and use it in front of him , seeing u getting satisified might have him to want sex. In any case u will sleep satisified . There is more than one way to milk a cow.
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