Hindsight

[Hazyhead]

Hi HH,

My uncle told me when I was 21 as my grandmother had died...I took it very hard. I went through that stage of would haves, should haves and could haves...he said it gets you no where, but only bound to a past that one cannot change. To think about the good and change what is needed.

 

A very wise man

[Hazyhead]

I don't do regrets...I am well aware I am where I am at exactly this moment because of all of the moments that have passed before.

 

I wouldn't change anything with my A...I was lucky enough to be madly in love in my 20s and I found it again in my 40s...we will never be together, but I will always know how deeply I love him and have been loved by him. No one can take that away from me and even with the pain and heartache I've had and will have...I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

 

You are very good at seeing the positive Miz - that's a gift. I'm glad that you find your balance but I worry about the pain you talk about coming.

[Hazyhead]

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What would i change in my life during my A? My neediness and dependence on him to make my day.

 

I did this too, hhs, and that is so not me to hand myself over to someone like that. I gave him control and he took it. He was the best and worst part of every day for me.

[MizFit]

I find this an interesting post because I couldn't find any remarks about the BS, the person who got hurt the most. Do the posters not care about the decit and hurt they caused to the BS?

 

The WS is causing the hurt...the OW/OM is inconsequential. If someone is going to cheat they will cheat be it with someone longterm, ONS, many short As. The hurt is done at the hand of the WS...the reason I say that so solidly and fervently-my exH cheated on me and it mattered to me not one jot who it was wth. He cheated and that was that.

[Hazyhead]

I find this an interesting post because I couldn't find any remarks about the BS, the person who got hurt the most. Do the posters not care about the decit and hurt they caused to the BS?

 

Actually, CJ, I do think about that and have posted about it repeatedly, but this thread isn't about that, for me anyway. It's about what I would do differently for me. I can only alter myself, no-one else.

[Hazyhead]

If I had a do over, I would have said...... I love you madly, but you've made a choice and it isn't me, so adios.......until. It would have hurt less to have got the pain over with initially instead of just prolonging it and hurting myself more in the process.

 

Same here.

[jj33]

I hope you are proven wrong JJ, and I really think you will be. At the moment, xMM is still too much of an issue for you but once you have moved from him, and you will, you will heal far better and open yourself up to someone who really deserves you and realises how wonderful you are.

 

Thanks Hazy. Hes driving me over the edge with his reports of customers who are critizing me or are losing confidence in me and then saying hes just trying to be helpful. At this point I dont even know if what he is saying is true.

 

Ive told him yet again not to contact me but at this point I accept that he wont respect my wishes. I just have to find a way of becoming immune to it.

 

It will be a long long time before I trust somebody again. And that saddens me.

[Hazyhead]

Thanks Hazy. Hes driving me over the edge with his reports of customers who are critizing me or are losing confidence in me and then saying hes just trying to be helpful. At this point I dont even know if what he is saying is true.

 

Ive told him yet again not to contact me but at this point I accept that he wont respect my wishes. I just have to find a way of becoming immune to it.

 

It will be a long long time before I trust somebody again. And that saddens me.

 

Whatever he says to you, take it with a pinch of salt. He is unreliable and petty and likes, for some childish reason, to wind you up. Have you tried completely ignoring him, as if he hasn't even spoken or messaged you?

[skylarblue]

If you knew how the affair was going to pan out and what was going to happen, would you still engage in it? If I had to answer strictly yes or no, I would say no. Overall, the A has contributed nothing positive to my life and I think has been an obstruction to.

 

If so, would you do anything differently? If you wouldn't, why not? Would you walk away from that person completely, or maintain a more platonic relationship? I loved the experience of being with MM, but I wish I would have ended it after a few months like planned. Ideally, I’d like to condense the majority of our 6yrs into 3mos and then just mutually kinda disappear from each other’s lives. I definitely should have kept it platonic.

 

What would you change in you life during the time you were/are in the affair? I wouldn’t have given MM so much control over the R. I would have stood firm and/or follow through on my attempts to end it. I wouldn’t have made MM and his happiness/expectations priority over anything else. I wouldn’t have just accepted it because (fill in blank to excuse MM’s behavior). I would have stood up for myself without being concerned about how MM would feel/react.

[wheelwright]

Good thread HH.

 

I just don't know though. If I'd known how it would pan out, then I just wouldn't have been able to invest in it the way I did. Believe in 'us' the way I did. And without that, the passion would have evaporated, while the intimacy may have grown into a friendship. Maybe that would have been nice. I think it always would have been a friendship bordering on an EA, and I'm not sure it's realistic to think this would have gone on for years without going where it did anyway.

 

But I would have been more careful of my heart. And I would have searched more questioningly re his honesty before letting my heart go. At the time it felt irresistable though.

 

Hindsight also would have given me the closure that didn't come until much later. This would have been valuable beyond belief.

 

I learnt through the A that the BSs should never have been treated as objects the way they were. And I wouldn't have done it knowing what I have learnt. (Also learnt through books I've read since). I knew this usually in my life, but I had a kind of moral 'love override' button that he pressed. That I was capable of having pressed. That is different now.

 

I feel bad I didn't have the moral maturity to see this. Don't think that's the same as regret.

 

I hate missing him, but pre xMM I already knew I was missing something I had never experienced in my 39 years. The consolation I have from the A that I have now experienced it is small in comparison to the above, but it is there.

[Hazyhead]

Good thread HH.

 

I just don't know though. If I'd known how it would pan out, then I just wouldn't have been able to invest in it the way I did. Believe in 'us' the way I did. And without that, the passion would have evaporated, while the intimacy may have grown into a friendship. Maybe that would have been nice. I think it always would have been a friendship bordering on an EA, and I'm not sure it's realistic to think this would have gone on for years without going where it did anyway.

 

But I would have been more careful of my heart. And I would have searched more questioningly re his honesty before letting my heart go. At the time it felt irresistable though.

 

Hindsight also would have given me the closure that didn't come until much later. This would have been valuable beyond belief.

 

I learnt through the A that the BSs should never have been treated as objects the way they were. And I wouldn't have done it knowing what I have learnt. (Also learnt through books I've read since). I knew this usually in my life, but I had a kind of moral 'love override' button that he pressed. That I was capable of having pressed. That is different now.

 

I feel bad I didn't have the moral maturity to see this. Don't think that's the same as regret.

 

I hate missing him, but pre xMM I already knew I was missing something I had never experienced in my 39 years. The consolation I have from the A that I have now experienced it is small in comparison to the above, but it is there.

 

A thought-provoking post WW. I identify with so much of what you say - the 'moral-override switch', the attitude towards the BS and how we should take more care with our hearts.

 

Do you still feel sad and like something is missing?

[Silly_Girl]

If you knew how the affair was going to pan out and what was going to happen, would you still engage in it? If so, would you do anything differently? If you wouldn't, why not? Would you walk away from that person completely, or maintain a more platonic relationship? What would you change in you life during the time you were/are in the affair?

 

I'm not necessarily talking regrets, although a lot might be, because I totally admire those who live without regret, but just if you think something should have been different.

 

I'm not so sure about me. I know that after leading my life without regret I now have this one thing that I would change, massively. I would have kept a friendship with xMM without crossing the line. If that wouldn't have been enough for him then tough t!tt!es I guess. This is of course with the impossibility of hindsight ruling my behavior rather than my heart and... uhm, whatever else you'd call it

 

I think if you'd told me the story, and the ending, I'd have run a mile to avoid firstly, the fact that I overstepped my own moral boundaries and secondly, the ensuing hurt.

 

I remember saying to my mum but he and I [..blah blah blah] about how we communicated/connected, and she looked so sincere and said "and THAT is what you have ALWAYS wanted, isn't it?". I have never managed to get anything close, from friends, family or relationships. I knew I was missing something, but I thought I was searching for something of a fantasy, but it came true with MM.

 

I still hurt (very much at times) and miss him, but I am starting to think that perhaps it was a good thing for both of us. I moved on past some difficult stuff relating to my ex, I know now I CAN love and trust again, I have a strong awareness of what I want/need in a relationship now. He was resentful and disengaged in his marriage, yet, given the opportunity to be with someone 'he couldn't contemplate living without' he chose to stay married. That's a biggie, and I hope he is capitalising on that.

 

I couldn't have remained platonic, I'm certain of that.

 

I did once say to him I wish I'd never met him, but swiftly followed it up with I just wished he had an identical - SINGLE - twin.

 

I think I was true to myself, and that means I shouldn't regret it. I just hope the relationship leaves both in a more positive place, eventually.

[wheelwright]

A thought-provoking post WW. I identify with so much of what you say - the 'moral-override switch', the attitude towards the BS and how we should take more care with our hearts.

 

Do you still feel sad and like something is missing?

 

Yes, but not as much.

[wheelwright]

I think if you'd told me the story, and the ending, I'd have run a mile to avoid firstly, the fact that I overstepped my own moral boundaries and secondly, the ensuing hurt.

 

I remember saying to my mum but he and I [..blah blah blah] about how we communicated/connected, and she looked so sincere and said "and THAT is what you have ALWAYS wanted, isn't it?". I have never managed to get anything close, from friends, family or relationships. I knew I was missing something, but I thought I was searching for something of a fantasy, but it came true with MM.

 

I still hurt (very much at times) and miss him, but I am starting to think that perhaps it was a good thing for both of us. I moved on past some difficult stuff relating to my ex, I know now I CAN love and trust again, I have a strong awareness of what I want/need in a relationship now. He was resentful and disengaged in his marriage, yet, given the opportunity to be with someone 'he couldn't contemplate living without' he chose to stay married. That's a biggie, and I hope he is capitalising on that.

 

I couldn't have remained platonic, I'm certain of that.

 

I did once say to him I wish I'd never met him, but swiftly followed it up with I just wished he had an identical - SINGLE - twin.

 

I think I was true to myself, and that means I shouldn't regret it. I just hope the relationship leaves both in a more positive place, eventually.

 

Great post. You are getting somewhere. Much faster than me!

[Silly_Girl]

Great post. You are getting somewhere. Much faster than me!

 

I still have very very bad days. It's helping me to view it as a loss, I now understand the waves of grief that hit me, similar to when I lost my father, and my grandparents. Last night I went to shut the house down before bed and I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach twenty times, it was shock and upset and everything as if it all just ended yesterday. It paralysed me. But today's a new day.

 

I haven't told anyone this but I have imaginary conversations with xMM, often when I'm driving and my mind is wandering I imagine if he said 'X', I'd say 'Y' ("why?" being very appropriate!!! ), or if his approach was different, how would my reaction change. It probably sounds mad but it's helped me, and my likely responses now are a world of difference from a month ago. It's as though hearing the words (instead of the instense feeling and hurting), whether aloud or in my head, does something to encourage perspective and enables me to feel slightly less detached.

 

WW, you had more going on, with your situation, so there's more to unravel and understand. Don't worry about rushing yourself. Better to 'do it' properly and it take a little longer. What's important, now, is that you find peace for yourself. You deserve to, and you will.

[Hazyhead]

 

I couldn't have remained platonic, I'm certain of that.

 

 

This made me think SG. I posted originally saying I wish we'd remained friends but, honestly, that wouldn't have been possible. I don't mean to idealise what I had with him, which it might seem I do a lot, but we had a spark - that connection you have with somebody that you just can't explain - when there's an obvious strong mutual attraction. SO, I should have just turned on heel

[Hazyhead]

Yes, but not as much.

 

WW, I hope you find it again. Maybe look at what it is that's preventing you from achieving it? I'm probably being, again, too idealistic, but I never thought of the A as the 'missing piece', it was just kinda an 'enrichment activity'. It was actually difficult to fit in, because I had to work around somebody else's time and my own was busy enough. It's funny the lengths you go to though. I'm appalled when I think of how many things I didn't do (even flaking off from work!) because I had to go meet MM. Crazy.

 

What I also learned this weekend is that the hindsight has made me wiser to inappropriate behaviour, which I think JJ33 said about herself a few weeks ago. I was approached on Saturday at my friend's husband's birthday do by one of the husbands of my friends. It made me feel horribly uncomfortable and objectified. His wife was only 10 metres away whilst he was suggesting what he'd like to happen. It froze me and all I could say was '[wife] is there, you can't go around suggesting that kind of stuff!' I walked away limp, not knowing what to do. She was my friend and a lovely, lovely woman.

 

I have to say, it made me feel ashamed of what I'd been a part of again. This will come sometimes I suppose.

[hopeless4u]

You cannot go on blaming yourself for this, H. You did the best you could; it was her choice to phone you and ask those questions and she did so because she wanted the truth. For all you know hanging up on her could have caused her just as much distress. The issue was already there and was not your doing. I think that although it's a good thing that he has maintained NC, it's a bit sucky that he let the blame fall on you. But then, he can try to absolve his own guilt, which I pretty sure won't be working.

 

But yeah - not going there at all!

 

I know what she did was her choice and that I don't blame myself for as I know I did nothing wrong or said anything out of order to her(even though I wanted to), I wish I had hung up because I gave her the power to manipulate xMM into thinking it was my fault, don't forget Hazy, she lied about things I had said to her before hoping he would then hate me and I kick myself everyday for giving her that power.

 

We parted on good terms before this, no hatred, no hard feelings just sorrow that we had got ourselves and everyone else into this SH*T place because we had been selfish.

 

I could deal with loosing him knowing he didn't hate me but that night just threw me into hell and tbh I'm still there. I feel like I am going to have to work stupid hours just to stay busy, go out every weekend just to be around people, be pushing thoughts of him out of my head forever and constantly telling myself I'm ok. Since I saw him I'm back to square one with him in my head 24/7!!

 

Sorry I'm rambling......

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless, stand tall you told the truth!

 

Your truth was not responsible for her subsequent actions.

 

His behavior and his lying about his behavior was the true catalyst!

 

Let the chips fall where they should: On his shoulders.

 

Yeah Spark I get that I really do and this feeling I have is not about him or her its about me and my healing. Without that phonecall that night and the drama that followed I really do think I'd of dealt with all this so much better.

I read threads where people are giving advice to MM/MW who's AP is trying to break NC but this was his BW who broke NC and then him to tell me she had OD'd and I am the one who is obsessing over it!

 

I just want to be ME again.....