Hindsight

[Hazyhead]

If you knew how the affair was going to pan out and what was going to happen, would you still engage in it? If so, would you do anything differently? If you wouldn't, why not? Would you walk away from that person completely, or maintain a more platonic relationship? What would you change in you life during the time you were/are in the affair?

 

I'm not necessarily talking regrets, although a lot might be, because I totally admire those who live without regret, but just if you think something should have been different.

 

I'm not so sure about me. I know that after leading my life without regret I now have this one thing that I would change, massively. I would have kept a friendship with xMM without crossing the line. If that wouldn't have been enough for him then tough t!tt!es I guess. This is of course with the impossibility of hindsight ruling my behavior rather than my heart and... uhm, whatever else you'd call it

[hopeless4u]

Hey hazy there are a number of things I would change, the obvious one of not going there at all but the one thing that plays on my mind is the last conversation I had with xMM W, I did all the right things and answered her questions honestly and up to that point xMM & I had parted company on my terms and it was my decision to go NC & I was coping but what followed really knocked the stuffing out of me. I wish I had of just hung up as soon as I knew it was her!

[Hazyhead]

Hey hazy there are a number of things I would change, the obvious one of not going there at all but the one thing that plays on my mind is the last conversation I had with xMM W, I did all the right things and answered her questions honestly and up to that point xMM & I had parted company on my terms and it was my decision to go NC & I was coping but what followed really knocked the stuffing out of me. I wish I had of just hung up as soon as I knew it was her!

 

You cannot go on blaming yourself for this, H. You did the best you could; it was her choice to phone you and ask those questions and she did so because she wanted the truth. For all you know hanging up on her could have caused her just as much distress. The issue was already there and was not your doing. I think that although it's a good thing that he has maintained NC, it's a bit sucky that he let the blame fall on you. But then, he can try to absolve his own guilt, which I pretty sure won't be working.

 

But yeah - not going there at all!

[Spark1111]

Hey hazy there are a number of things I would change, the obvious one of not going there at all but the one thing that plays on my mind is the last conversation I had with xMM W, I did all the right things and answered her questions honestly and up to that point xMM & I had parted company on my terms and it was my decision to go NC & I was coping but what followed really knocked the stuffing out of me. I wish I had of just hung up as soon as I knew it was her!

 

Hopeless, stand tall you told the truth!

 

Your truth was not responsible for her subsequent actions.

 

His behavior and his lying about his behavior was the true catalyst!

 

Let the chips fall where they should: On his shoulders.

[piscis]

I agree with you Hazyhead I would have kept the friendship without crossing the line, because I really cared about him and I still care and the tough thing is that we have foreve lost that friendship.

 

Before starting the A I knew he might be a great friend but he was a l bad couple ( I mena he was cheating on his wife).

I regret that the most

[jj33]

I would have given him a wide berth and stayed well away from him.

 

I wish I had never met him.

[MorningCoffee]

This is an interesting question. If I could change anything at all? She would have no longer been married. Period.

 

Inasmuch as that was not the reality, the emotional connection, the passion, and the love were so strong, there was just so much that was beyond good, that even with all the pain, my A qualifies as one of the great experiences of my life. I would not have done anything differently.

 

Now of course going forward, there is much to change. Myself, my standards and boundaries, what I want and need in my next relationship. I have a clearer eye to avoid being manipulated. And clearly, I will only risk getting involved with single women!

[sadintexas]

Ideally, I would have never chosen to enter the A. I would have sent him on his way the moment it crossed the line from being platonic to suggestive. The moment I started having butterflies or thinking about him outside of "normal thoughts" I have randomly about people in my life, I would have cut it off.

 

I didn't know then what I know now, so I made mistakes and moving forward I will avoid making those mistakes again. Don't misunderstand me. I knew right from wrong. I knew it wasn't the right choice. I justified doing it for selfish reasons. I just chose to believe it was something that was "meant to be" and was brought before us for more noble reasons than what could have ever possibly existed (can anyone say affairyland lol).

 

He was brought into my life for a reason at that time. He was physically ill when our friendship started. It was an illness I could relate to. He did need the support (and he really wasn't getting it at home) from someone who could truly relate. But it should have stayed there. It should have remained a supportive friendship that his wife could have very well been a part of had she chosen to.

 

I don't like that I was a part of something that was deceitful, that had the potential to hurt innocent people (no I still don't think his W is some angel but this was their battle to fight, not mine). But I've made my peace with that.

 

Something good has come out of this for me though. I have learned more about myself from this experience than I could have ever hoped for. Some of these same challenges have been presented to me in other forms during my life, and I apparently didn't learn the lesson well enough. I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to learn something valuable from this and not just take it as another hump in the road of life.

 

So while ideally, I wouldn't have ever gone there, it has provided an opportunity for growth for me. I can't say I'm chock full of regrets or losing sleep over my choices, but it is not a choice I will make again.

[Circular]

Even though the break up (no D day) has been difficult and going NC has been really really hard (she's tried contacting me twice now - as well shes been asking about me through a mutual friend) If given the choice I would do it all over again. Even though I think what I did was wrong and not the right way to go about my life; compromising my integrity and decieving the people around me, I learned a ton about myself, my insecurities, things I had been suppressing, things that were bogging me down and stopping from forward progress - It was only because of her that my eyes were opened into faults in my own life that I needed to change but were blaming others for.

 

Every set of circumstances are unique, mine was much more an EA than a PA that feeling of "meant to be" that sadintexas talks about I can relate to whole heartedly I had this feeling that life was forcing us together regardless of me trying to avoid getting 'to close' for years. If I look back 20 years I would have said I was a skeptic, didn't believe in fate - this experience changed me fundamentally that way, even though the outcome wasn't what I wanted ultimately there were things that happened that just defied all the odds that enabled the whole A to start and run, things to this day I can't explain away.

 

Would I change anything? Getting into this relationship I realized that I was treating the relationship like I was back in college again. In other words I realized this aspect of myself hadn't matured much in the last 25 years, which caused me to do some dumb things. I think once we went from EA to PA things really shifted and I wasn't prepared for that, I probably would have handled that much differently as it really affected her disposition in the relationship. I should've backed off more and given her more space to process all that happened and figured out new boundaries.

 

I'm not one to believe in regret, we make the best decisions for ourselves given the information that is in front of us - most, if not all decisions are emotionally driven underneath the rationalizations we make. I would rather live my life knowing I lived my life and that I left no rock unturned - if we never feel pain, loss or failure then we've never taken the risk to live.

[jj33]

Circular I used to feel the way you do about risk. I now feel like I need to be more circumspect in teh risks I take.

 

Im not even sure I will ever have a relationship again. My judgement regarding men is so very poor, always has been and age has done nothing to improve it.

 

Id love to think someone will come into my life and prove me wrong but im not hopeful and really bothered that my perception of what is a reasonable risk to take has been so flawed.

[pureinheart]

If you knew how the affair was going to pan out and what was going to happen, would you still engage in it? If so, would you do anything differently? If you wouldn't, why not? Would you walk away from that person completely, or maintain a more platonic relationship? What would you change in you life during the time you were/are in the affair?

 

I'm not necessarily talking regrets, although a lot might be, because I totally admire those who live without regret, but just if you think something should have been different.

 

I'm not so sure about me. I know that after leading my life without regret I now have this one thing that I would change, massively. I would have kept a friendship with xMM without crossing the line. If that wouldn't have been enough for him then tough t!tt!es I guess. This is of course with the impossibility of hindsight ruling my behavior rather than my heart and... uhm, whatever else you'd call it

 

Hi HH,

 

I think there is a big difference in living your life without regret and seeing areas of that you would change vs living in regret....this thought process IS vastly different..seeing areas you would change actually CAUSES you not to repeat various happenings that are negative.

 

Regret can turn into shame, which is negative reinforcment.

 

Wanting to change a behavior or action is possitive reinforcment.

 

I really believe that shame causes a person to stay in a negative situation, continually drawing them back.

 

My uncle told me when I was 21 as my grandmother had died...I took it very hard. I went through that stage of would haves, should haves and could haves...he said it gets you no where, but only bound to a past that one cannot change. To think about the good and change what is needed.

 

Concerning exDM, it was a good thing because I have had the opportunity to look at my life and R's in a completely different way. I am looking at areas that I allowed abuse and will not allow that any longer in my life:D

 

Happy happy joy joy....

[pureinheart]

Even though the break up (no D day) has been difficult and going NC has been really really hard (she's tried contacting me twice now - as well shes been asking about me through a mutual friend) If given the choice I would do it all over again. Even though I think what I did was wrong and not the right way to go about my life; compromising my integrity and decieving the people around me, I learned a ton about myself, my insecurities, things I had been suppressing, things that were bogging me down and stopping from forward progress - It was only because of her that my eyes were opened into faults in my own life that I needed to change but were blaming others for.

 

Every set of circumstances are unique, mine was much more an EA than a PA that feeling of "meant to be" that sadintexas talks about I can relate to whole heartedly I had this feeling that life was forcing us together regardless of me trying to avoid getting 'to close' for years. If I look back 20 years I would have said I was a skeptic, didn't believe in fate - this experience changed me fundamentally that way, even though the outcome wasn't what I wanted ultimately there were things that happened that just defied all the odds that enabled the whole A to start and run, things to this day I can't explain away.

 

Would I change anything? Getting into this relationship I realized that I was treating the relationship like I was back in college again. In other words I realized this aspect of myself hadn't matured much in the last 25 years, which caused me to do some dumb things. I think once we went from EA to PA things really shifted and I wasn't prepared for that, I probably would have handled that much differently as it really affected her disposition in the relationship. I should've backed off more and given her more space to process all that happened and figured out new boundaries.

 

I'm not one to believe in regret, we make the best decisions for ourselves given the information that is in front of us - most, if not all decisions are emotionally driven underneath the rationalizations we make. I would rather live my life knowing I lived my life and that I left no rock unturned - if we never feel pain, loss or failure then we've never taken the risk to live.

 

I totally relate to what is in bold. Me being vulnerable and traumatised, I see it would have happened no matter what, unless I hadn't got called back to my former job....keeping it as a friend...I doubt that seriously.

[pureinheart]

Circular I used to feel the way you do about risk. I now feel like I need to be more circumspect in teh risks I take.

 

Im not even sure I will ever have a relationship again. My judgement regarding men is so very poor, always has been and age has done nothing to improve it.

 

Id love to think someone will come into my life and prove me wrong but im not hopeful and really bothered that my perception of what is a reasonable risk to take has been so flawed.

 

This is how I feel also JJ...there are several I could start up with...and they mostlikely would be great R's...I'm scared and need to know that I know...and even when that happens, I will be very cautious.

[pureinheart]

This is an interesting question. If I could change anything at all? She would have no longer been married. Period.

 

Inasmuch as that was not the reality, the emotional connection, the passion, and the love were so strong, there was just so much that was beyond good, that even with all the pain, my A qualifies as one of the great experiences of my life. I would not have done anything differently.

 

Now of course going forward, there is much to change. Myself, my standards and boundaries, what I want and need in my next relationship. I have a clearer eye to avoid being manipulated. And clearly, I will only risk getting involved with single women!

 

Sorry Hazy for the multiple replies..this is a good thread, and everyone has excellent imput. I'm a chatterbox and love to talk to everyone...lol...

 

In bold, this did happen, and didn't change anything except he's not M'ed anymore...what you communicated is how we were to a tee.

 

I will only risk single men also:D:D:D

[Circular]

Circular I used to feel the way you do about risk. I now feel like I need to be more circumspect in teh risks I take.

 

Im not even sure I will ever have a relationship again. My judgement regarding men is so very poor, always has been and age has done nothing to improve it.

 

Id love to think someone will come into my life and prove me wrong but im not hopeful and really bothered that my perception of what is a reasonable risk to take has been so flawed.

 

 

As the saying goes "Reality is a cold steel blade." - Risk definitely has its downsides and this whole situation has made me more circumspect about risk as well but hasn't stopped me from taking risks - only altered how I assess it.

 

I'm sorry your experience has resulted in altering your view on men, were not all bad. I've read some of your posts and I think the way he has acted around you is childish and immature (reminded me of high school). I know he still gets under your skin because you know there's a kernel in there of someone you fell for and loved but now its obstructed by the personality he's putting forward - frustrating, its unfortunate you can't get more distance between the two of you.

 

I do wish for you the best and that you find what your looking for and find a man that can not only knock your socks off but heal the wound that is making you feel that way.

[joey66]

I would avoid the A altogether. Not because I regret what we had - I could never regret "us", I will always love her (insert eye roll here) - but because the end hurt sooooo baaaad. Still does.

[Circular]

I would avoid the A altogether. Not because I regret what we had - I could never regret "us", I will always love her (insert eye roll here) - but because the end hurt sooooo baaaad. Still does.

 

The end does hurt bad. And I feel identically about regret and 'us' - I've come to the conclusion that it hurts more than a friend dying because they are still out there. In some way their is no finality, nor a natural decay of the relationship. At some level, not to diminish the trauma but when someone goes missing - people hold on to that they are still out there, they have to be, there's no formal closure. In these situations it just ends when the pressure, guilt and fear outweigh the reward associated with filling the need. Be that sex, love, or whatever. This is what I'm experiencing now a great emptiness and I know the person who can fill that hole is out there. So tonight I'm out with a bunch of friends having a good time and laughing, and I don't know why it happens this way but suddenly its like I notice she's not there and I want her to be soooooo bad, I want to hear her laugh I want to tell her something funny, I want to know what she thinks of the conversation.... it's why I say it's like being haunted by a ghost, they pass through you just suddenly out of the ether without warning.... *sigh*

 

I like to think I got to experience something unique with someone, another human being, on a level that I'd never experienced before and the longing and missing of that person is brutal but I wouldn't have changed it any other way. I can't tell the full story it's TMI (or maybe I'm just not ready to), but all the things that happened between us were uncannily serendipitous - I honestly walked away saying 'this was meant to happen' I have no doubts, I might not like the final chapter but it was meant to happen it served some purpose.

 

I will say I'd never do it again though. Every other time someone made advances towards me or it became 'obvious' I just brushed it over to 'friends' and made sure I talked and acted in that manner.

[MizFit]

I don't do regrets...I am well aware I am where I am at exactly this moment because of all of the moments that have passed before.

 

I wouldn't change anything with my A...I was lucky enough to be madly in love in my 20s and I found it again in my 40s...we will never be together, but I will always know how deeply I love him and have been loved by him. No one can take that away from me and even with the pain and heartache I've had and will have...I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

[her_halo_slipped]

If you knew how the affair was going to pan out and what was going to happen, would you still engage in it? If so, would you do anything differently? If you wouldn't, why not? Would you walk away from that person completely, or maintain a more platonic relationship? What would you change in you life during the time you were/are in the affair?

 

Oh HH, if I knew how the A was going to pan out, NO I would never have engaged in it. I think A's are best avoided if at all possible, mine included. However if it did go ahead again, retrospectively and with all the genius of hindsight if I could make changes this is what I would do differently

1. I never would take what he says as gospel given his words and actions were incongruous

2. I would open my eyes a little wider to the crap i was being told

3. I would read the signs he was giving me a little more suspiciously

4. I would end it the second it turned physical.

What would i change in my life during my A? My neediness and dependence on him to make my day.

[her_halo_slipped]

Just thinking about it some more I wanted to add I don't live with regrets so I don't regret what happened but we are talking retrospectively right?

 

As Garth Brooks tells us " I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

 

Well folks, this was one dance I should have sat out.

[ComputerJock]

I find this an interesting post because I couldn't find any remarks about the BS, the person who got hurt the most. Do the posters not care about the decit and hurt they caused to the BS?

[BB07]

In answer to the original posters question. I do not regret loving my stbdmm, I'll never regret that no matter what the future holds.

He was separated when we fell in love, he went back to the marriage for a short time, I at first thought.

If I had a do over, I would have said...... I love you madly, but you've made a choice and it isn't me, so adios.......until. It would have hurt less to have got the pain over with initially instead of just prolonging it and hurting myself more in the process. I've often thought that if I had walked at that moment that he would have finished up his marriage quicker. By me hanging on, I think I enabled him to stay in the marriage longer if that makes any sense. I also think that me being in the picture made it harder for him to leave and in hindsight I think he would have left sooner if I had said adios......until.

[MorningCoffee]

I find this an interesting post because I couldn't find any remarks about the BS, the person who got hurt the most. Do the posters not care about the decit and hurt they caused to the BS?

 

Can only speak for myself. My presence in my fMW/AP's life and nearly every one of the times we spent together, she made no secret of to her H. He didn't like her having an EA with me, but tolerated it for whatever reason, and because she gaslighted him as we crossed the PA line and continued.

 

I felt as a guy, BH HAD to know exactly what was happening and figure he HAD to either be looking the other way, trying to wait it out, or just in deep denial. But he never asked directly so she was never faced with admitting or denying, until D-Day, which brought it to an end.

 

I wasn't proud of being part of the deceit, as I was once a BS in my M many years before, so I had first-hand knowledge of the pain. But I felt it was her (MW/AP)'s responsibility, not mine. I told myself she was on her way out of the M anyway, but truth be told, I just obviously did not care enough about BH to end it before I had no choice.

 

Not a very easy admission about one's own actions to make. Not something I see now with any warm regard. I will not do that ever again. Another lesson learned.

[Hazyhead]

I'm not one to believe in regret, we make the best decisions for ourselves given the information that is in front of us - most, if not all decisions are emotionally driven underneath the rationalizations we make. I would rather live my life knowing I lived my life and that I left no rock unturned - if we never feel pain, loss or failure then we've never taken the risk to live.

 

This is a wonderful attitude to have and made me think that I shouldn't be so negative about it. It happened. It caused a great deal of pain to people. But there were moments during the A that I wouldn't change and, of course, I'm glad I had. Thank you Circular.

[Hazyhead]

Circular I used to feel the way you do about risk. I now feel like I need to be more circumspect in teh risks I take.

 

Im not even sure I will ever have a relationship again. My judgement regarding men is so very poor, always has been and age has done nothing to improve it.

 

Id love to think someone will come into my life and prove me wrong but im not hopeful and really bothered that my perception of what is a reasonable risk to take has been so flawed.

 

I hope you are proven wrong JJ, and I really think you will be. At the moment, xMM is still too much of an issue for you but once you have moved from him, and you will, you will heal far better and open yourself up to someone who really deserves you and realises how wonderful you are.