unluckyagain Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Well there is an obvious reason posting here and that is because I have just broken up / dumped by my girlfriend. We had been going out for 5 months and things were going super great. We were going great together, her friends like me loads. My friends liked her. Got along great with her parents and sister also who all adored me (not my words honestly). She said I made her feel different compared to previous relationships and had never met a guy like me and hadn’t been this happy in a very long time. Suddenly a few weeks ago out of the blue thing went a bit rocky and she was showing fewer emotions towards me. It went from one extreme to the other. We had a long chat this morning as the last few weeks she was being less affectionate towards me and not wanting to be intimate. She says that at the moment she doesn't want to be physical with me or anybody and can't explain why. She says she misses me when I am not around and her bed feels empty without me. But she says that even though she has feelings for me, she isn't being fair on me by not being physical and can't let me hang around in the hope that things change. She isn't interested in anybody else and not interested in going out and hooking up with other men. And it would break her heart to see me go out with somebody else, but that it would be something that she would have to deal with when it happens as I deserve somebody who can give more that she can currently give me. She has spoken to her sister and a girlfriend of hers and they don’t know what to tell her as they think I am a great guy. The difficult thing is we were friends before we started going out. Not close ones, but we knew each other as our parents know each other very well. She says she hopes I am mature enough to stay friends going forth as life would be worse without me. I am not sure I can do that as I obviously have very strong feelings for her. But I am going skiing with her and 24 other friends in a month time. I have already paid my share and obviously it wasn’t cheap and she insists she wants me there. I am not sure what to do. Also I am really annoyed she used the line ‘mature enough to stay friends’. Obviously I don’t want her out of my life and hate the idea of it, but can I just be friends? I have met many people in my life, been out with enough women in the past. Some easy to get over and some obviously more difficult. I always know very early on in a relationship it is right or not and this was the first person who I felt very different about. I can honestly say that she is the greatest girl I ever met (never said that about anybody before as normally I keep my heart close to me). I never like walking away from anything without giving up easily. This goes the same for work, sports, friends and not giving up on things has made me achieve great things in life. So it feels totally unlike me giving up this easily, but from what I have read it is what I have to accept (but I don’t want too) It would have been easier (but still awful) if I knew she didn’t like me or simply wasn’t attracted to me anymore. But that isn’t the case. We have always been extremely open with each other so I know she isn’t lying or trying to make it easier for herself. Is she just confused and thinking that she is doing the honourable thing because? Is there any chance of us getting back together? Should we remain friends? So confused……
GrayClouds Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Sorry for your pain. It is obvious this one seem special to you. While it sounds like you had others, this one in some ways could be considered your first love, the person you really open your heart to. They teach us both the joys and the pain in doing so. It is bittersweet and they are hard to let go. Read the follow, do as it says and good luck: So you want a second chance? Give yourself a little time, work at it and it will get better.
Author unluckyagain Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 I get the NC rule and will not seek out any contact. I know I can do that. But what if she contacts me? I know she will as she doesn't want to loose me out of her life. Do I give her a (short) reply or... tell her it is too early and that she shouldn't be contacting me this early on?
GrayClouds Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 If she calls dont answer, if she email do not open, if she text do not responded and if she show up at your door and she is not on her hand and knees begging for you back, be polite and tell her your a all or nothing type of guy, she made a decision to break-up and you will respect her decision and she should respect your space. Re-read the link.
WTRanger Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 If she calls dont answer, if she email do not open, if she text do not responded and if she show up at your door and she is not on her hand and knees begging for you back, be polite and tell her your a all or nothing type of guy, she made a decision to break-up and you will respect her decision and she should respect your space. Re-read the link. Actually, the link points out that if they contact you that it doesn't mean you don't respond. The important part for all parties is in bold. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. For the time being, OP, you cannot be friends with this girl. It will just drive you to an early grave. Especially if she starts dating someone. It is all or nothing. This sounds to me like she wanted to try something with you and it didn't turn out the way she expected it to. So she's cutting and running. The standard 3-4 months honeymoon phase is over, and she wants that high again. She doesn't want to put in the real work that the relationship now requires at this point. Trust me, you are better off without a person like this in your life. It's time to take her down from her throne and see her for who she really is. If she really cared, do you think she'd do this to you? Chasing a girl in a case such as this is where you need to know the fine line between going for it and looking like a love-sick puppy dog. At this point, if you persue her you'll be leaving long tongue marks on the floor. So save yourself some dignity. When you go skiing, if you cannot get your money back then just hang out with 23 of the 24 friends going. Be civil if you must, but generally steer clear of her. She can't have her cake and eat it too at the expense of your sanity.
Author unluckyagain Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 thanks for your replies. It means a lot to me. I texted her, but only to tell her it wasn't a wise idea if I came skiing and if they can find somebody else ( I realised I forgot to mention it was 24 of her friends not mine in my OP). she answered straight away: "That's sad, but if that is how you feel I'll speak to xxso-and-soxx and she what the arrangement is". I replied back saying I can't ignored what happend and I need time. I wish I never sent that last message. Because I dont want to be 'just' friends (but I don't want her out of my life)
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Sounds like this girl has got some issues that perhaps even she isn't aware of. Until she knows what's wrong, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. To be friends again means you have to move on first. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It seems you really care about her. But now you need to heal and take care of yourself first. If you're the one for her and vice versa, she'll come round and come back to you.
Author unluckyagain Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Well I guess people are right when they say an Ex will contact you after a certain amount of time. I hadn't contacted her in 6 weeks (read a lot about NC) and today she saw me online and started chatting. We chatted for about an hour and it went as easy as when we were together. I let her lead most of the converstation and just went along with it. I was hoping we could catch soon, but unfortuntalely she is pressed for time to meet up in the next few weeks due to work (which I know is true, although secretly hoped she wanted to make time) and after that I am on holidays for three weeks. Mid September seems like ages away!! I am in the best shape of my life due to training for half a marathon and hitting the weights too and feel a million times better than when we first broke up. In fact I am a very happy person and people have noticed I am back to my old, confident, cheecky self. But I realise one thing.... I am still not over her and want her back. (Also I heard via others that her dad told her she has made a stupid mistake breaking up with me. I know it doesn't change things but it was nice to hear).
Author unluckyagain Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Quick questions for others out there. It is wise to meet up after I return from holiday? Obviously I would let her do the chasing. Or would strict no contact be better and ignore it? I have reading the forum for a bit. From what I gather is that if I say 'yes', she knows she can still see me when she wants, but on the other hand if we don't meet up then I am not making any progress either. The two of us haven't met up one-on-one since the break up at the end of June and the one conversation we have had has been very light (we did bump into each other the day after on a night out as I was out with work and she was out with her house mates)
skydiveaddict Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Quick questions for others out there. It is wise to meet up after I return from holiday? Obviously I would let her do the chasing. Or would strict no contact be better and ignore it? I have reading the forum for a bit. From what I gather is that if I say 'yes', she knows she can still see me when she wants, but on the other hand if we don't meet up then I am not making any progress either. The two of us haven't met up one-on-one since the break up at the end of June and the one conversation we have had has been very light (we did bump into each other the day after on a night out as I was out with work and she was out with her house mates) NO it is not wise to see her or contact her in any way
TaraMaiden Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 jeesh....and they say that when a woman says 'no' she really means 'yes'? When we all say NO - we MEAN - NO!!! No contact: NO texts NO e-mails NO letters NO ims NO phone calls NO Facebook NO myspace No 'her friend said' NO meeting NO chatting NO talking NO CONTACT!!! Get it??
boltsfan17 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Since your relationship hasn't been that long, I think the best thing for you to do is cut her completely out of your life. I know it's hard to do, but she obviously has some issues she needs to figure out. If she contacts you, tell her that you would appreciate it if she left you alone. Since she has issues and needs to figure things out, meeting up with her really is pointless in my opinion. If she really cared about you, she would be calling you telling you sorry and asking/begging for you back. She hasn't done that. I'm sure she has feelings for you, but it's not fair to you being available to her while she figures out her issues. I know you want her back, but unfortunately, there isn't much you can do in this situation. You really need to move on from her, even though it's going to be tough. Don't be friends with her. Doing that would just make things tougher for you.
Author unluckyagain Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 thanks for the replies. Yeah she has been acting immature. The night we bumped into each other when I was leaving (and we were both drunk) she literally said "we need to talk" but the next day she said she never said that just need to 'catch up' when back from holiday. Either way I didn't make a fuss about it. Yup I will have to be totally NC from now on. You must be right that if she really cared about me, she would be calling me telling me sorry and asking me back.
fearthepinkmist Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I wouln't say don't meet up at all.. but make it a little harder maybe? Tell her hat you can't meet up when you said you would but donn't make an attempt to meet up again. That way you arn't being a douche and you can see if she continues to try. Becasue yes maybe she is being immature and confusing but maybe she feels pretty goddamn confused and everyone is a little immature sometimes. Cut the girl some slack just don't make it easy to get you. I wouldn't say cut off all complete contact... just do the "friends" kinda thing that SHE wanted. You don't have to hang out all the time or talk all the time but if she really loves you and feels it slipping into the dreaded "friend zone" as I call it then she will try for you if not you both will slowly lose complete contact, and as much as it sucks will best.
boltsfan17 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I wouln't say don't meet up at all.. but make it a little harder maybe? Tell her hat you can't meet up when you said you would but donn't make an attempt to meet up again. That way you arn't being a douche and you can see if she continues to try. Becasue yes maybe she is being immature and confusing but maybe she feels pretty goddamn confused and everyone is a little immature sometimes. Cut the girl some slack just don't make it easy to get you. I wouldn't say cut off all complete contact... just do the "friends" kinda thing that SHE wanted. You don't have to hang out all the time or talk all the time but if she really loves you and feels it slipping into the dreaded "friend zone" as I call it then she will try for you if not you both will slowly lose complete contact, and as much as it sucks will best. Being friends for her is not fair to him. She made the decision to break up the relationship. She needs to experience life without him. Maybe then she will realize she made a mistake. He shouldn't cater to her needs. Since the break up didn't happen too long ago, it is best for him to cut off all contact. Maybe at some point down the road, he can meet her, but that's not a good idea right now.
fearthepinkmist Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Being friends for her is not fair to him. She made the decision to break up the relationship. She needs to experience life without him. Maybe then she will realize she made a mistake. He shouldn't cater to her needs. Since the break up didn't happen too long ago, it is best for him to cut off all contact. Maybe at some point down the road, he can meet her, but that's not a good idea right now. I dunno that seems a little to much to me.. but hey do what you want. I say put a carrot on a string and dangle it in front of her basically see if she follows.. if she doesn't than just walk away.. either way you don't lose your ground... cause it obviously seems to me your not ready to accept no more "relationship" otherwise you would have already. You can try and listen to all this advice all day but in the end it is you who has to feel like you can accept it. It is you who has to deal with all this and so you do what you want.
Author unluckyagain Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 At this point I am not sure yet as both of you make valid points. For the next few weeks I will be away anyway and I am not planning on contacting her whatsoever. Once I return she can contact me if she wants as I am not going to put any effort into it. When it comes to that point I will make a decision if I will respond or not. I kinda want to see her again even if it is for one more time to give me closure and hopefully talk a bit (but only if she brings it up) She asked me to take loads of pictures as she wants to see them when I get back from holiday and catch up. I think a reason might be she can see what is happening in my life and not miss out. Anyways in 4 weeks time having been on a great holiday and going home to visit the family parents I might take things in a very different perspective (I live on the other side of the world of my family). Damn it is her birthday today. That is probably why I am on the forum today as she is on my mind. Don't worry she ain't getting a birthday text or anything similiar from me.
fearthepinkmist Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 At this point I am not sure yet as both of you make valid points. For the next few weeks I will be away anyway and I am not planning on contacting her whatsoever. Once I return she can contact me if she wants as I am not going to put any effort into it. When it comes to that point I will make a decision if I will respond or not. I kinda want to see her again even if it is for one more time to give me closure and hopefully talk a bit (but only if she brings it up) She asked me to take loads of pictures as she wants to see them when I get back from holiday and catch up. I think a reason might be she can see what is happening in my life and not miss out. Anyways in 4 weeks time having been on a great holiday and going home to visit the family parents I might take things in a very different perspective (I live on the other side of the world of my family). Damn it is her birthday today. That is probably why I am on the forum today as she is on my mind. Don't worry she ain't getting a birthday text or anything similiar from me. I say that is a very good approach, Good luck!
Author unluckyagain Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Right then. Just a few days back from a brilliant holiday and probably didn't realise how much I needed it. Totally got back loads of engergy again. Today on the way home from work I bumped into my ex. Seemed very happy to see me and noticed I had a nice tan and that my hair had grown quite a bit and had gone more blonde and curly. She wanted to know about my trip. (She hadn't much to tell me as not much has been happening with her lately) We chatted about my trip for a few minutes, but I said I couldn't stay long as I was on my way to get my hair cut. She asked if we could meet sometime soon either a weekend or after work and I said sure. A few minutes later she texted me asking if I was free Thursday by any chance and if not she will make time whenever I am free if I want to hang out with her as it would be good to hear the extended version of my trip. Now obviously this can mean anything and I am not going to bring my hopes up. I have learned a few new things and come to realise some stuff also. I am the best thing that happened to her and if she thinks she can find better then good luck because she won't. She let a good thing go and there is nothing I can do about it (ok, a little bit cocky on my part but that is just me!). The not so nice thing is that I got it confirmed that she has suffered from depression in the past and was on medication for a while. I am sure this has something to do with the cause of the breakup. Again this is something I can't do anything about. So I will see her next week. No idea what will happen. Obviously I would like us to be together again. I am back to my old happy, confident, full of life self. But if she doesn't realise what she is missing out on then there is nothing I can do about it!
Author unluckyagain Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Just found out she told her brother (in secrecy), that she broke up with me because she thinks she isn't good enough for me. She thinks I am such a great person who has everything sorted in his life and she would only drag me down with her problems. She doesn't know that I know now
brainblox Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 A lot of people offer great advice on LS and no doubt some of the words are from mistakes we are making or have made. What you said about this woman is what I and many have said to ourselves and maybe even to the EX and I have learned over the years that words and dialogue never cut it when it comes to emotions, this **** is primal and I know no matter what is said it make no difference to me if I don't feel the same about them , let go and move on and if she ever feels ready and you still feel the same then alls fair.
Author unluckyagain Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Think you might be right. I will just be myself when I meet her, not bring anything up. That is all I can do and I won't have any expectations.
Author unluckyagain Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Well we had a fun time catching up over coffee. I did most of the talking as I had just been on a fantastic holiday and she hadn't done much lately and thus had a lot less to say. Getting along was like the old days and lots of laughter. She said she really enjoyed hearing my stories tonight. Whilst I have accepted that with breakups the most likely outcome is that we won't get back together, this meet up makes me realise I am not over her and still crazy for her. Don't get me wrong, when I am around her I am my normal cheery self and don't turn into a mess. After we said goodnight and parted our ways is when I felt the pain. I didn't have the guts to bring anything up and she didn't mention anything either. I also had the feeling that bringing up such a topic in a coffeeshop in a public place felt wrong I am really tempted to say/write what I truely feel for her and that if she ever feels ready to let me know, but that in the mean time I need to move on with my life.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I am really tempted to say/write what I truely feel for her and that if she ever feels ready to let me know, but that in the mean time I need to move on with my life. Let it stay a temptation do not act on it. She has to come to you.
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