holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Hello everyone. I am new to this site. Would love some advice on the following: I met a guy over 6 months ago. For work reasons he came to my apartment and we ended up talking for almost two hours. He was real sweet and smiley and asked for my e-mail before leaving, with the excuse of sending me info I had asked him during the conversation. He wrote me that same evening and we kept in touch for 6 months since that day by mail. We never met until last week due to my work (often overseas ). Ten days ago he asked me if I wanted his phone and we arranged to meet. He was a real gentleman, very sweet, polite and seemed very interested in me (i.e. eye contact all the time) etc. We had a nice date and laughed a lot. 5 hours later he walked me home. We wanted to spend longer together but I had fever, so he said we'd meet again soon. I went to kiss him on the cheeks but somehow he came straight to my lips to kiss me then apologized when he noticed it was not my intention. It was embarrassing for both. He wrote me an e-mail 3 days later to say I was sweet and he was sorry he wasn't in top shape that night (really i was the one not in shape that night). I wrote him next day to say I had a lot of fun with him and almost forgot I had fever thanks to him. I thought it was a nice comment (I meant it) but since 8 days he hasn't replied to me. Did I do something wrong? He has my cell phone but chose to mail me. Should I contact him again? I really liked him. Did I scare him off? I don't want to put pressure on him but want to see him again, at least know if he liked me at all. What would you do in my shoes? Thanks for your advice (men's advice would help a lot too), greatly appreciated.
fishtaco Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Never think it was something YOU did wrong, unless it was very obvious, like for example, you had sex with the waiter in the bathroom during the date and he walked in on you, so you flushed his car keys down the toilet for interrupting you. If you're not sure, then you didn't do anything wrong. Because if a person is truly interested in you, he/she will be forgiving about your little goof ups. There are way too many factors, the only thing you can do is go with the flow. Women do this to men all the time, and obviously men do the same thing too. It's called dating. Dating is all about smoke and mirrors. If you feel alright about taking the lead, contact him. Just a little hello what's going on message. I know some women are not okay with doing that. So if you belong in that camp, then don't contact him. Either way, go on dates with a few more guys. Don't wait for him. If he's going to come around, he will. If he's not, he won't. Don't over think it.
ADF Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 No, no, no, you did nothing wrong. Only he knows exactly why is not making contact. What you can be sure of, however, is that he lost interest for some reason but is too chicken to tell you. He'd rather make things as easy as possible on himself by just disappearing. The fact you're here wondering what went wrong is of no interest to him. What a jerk!
fishtaco Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 No, no, no, you did nothing wrong. Only he knows exactly why is not making contact. What you can be sure of, however, is that he lost interest for some reason but is too chicken to tell you. He'd rather make things as easy as possible on himself by just disappearing. The fact you're here wondering what went wrong is of no interest to him. What a jerk! Hahaha! Chill. That's not being a jerk. That's just normal. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anyone what can't handle this have no business in the dating arena.
Lakeside_runner Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 No, no, no, you did nothing wrong. Only he knows exactly why is not making contact. What you can be sure of, however, is that he lost interest for some reason but is too chicken to tell you. He'd rather make things as easy as possible on himself by just disappearing. The fact you're here wondering what went wrong is of no interest to him. What a jerk! That and some guys are just... clueless. A friend of mine met recently a guy. They went out on a date, had some fun. He's very, very shy. She was hoping to go out with him this weekend. He's 30, she's 23. He messaged her on facebook (ughh...) and said that whenever she wants to go out he's up for it (ughh...). Then he told her to call him (ughh...) to figure out the best time and what to do (ughh...). He gave her a time window yesterday night. She called him - he didn't pick up. She left him a voicemail message. He didn't call her back. Instead of that he texted her (ughh...) at 3:00AM (which woke her up and she was pissed)!!! She eneded up wondering the whole day today if they are still on for this weekend. He texted her again (ughh...) this afternoon. They're going out tomorrow. See? Some guys are just clueless how to act in a social setting
ADF Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Hahaha! Chill. That's not being a jerk. That's just normal. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anyone what can't handle this have no business in the dating arena. Yes, it is being a jerk. It may also be "normal," in the sense that it is common. But doing a disappearing is just about the cruelest thing a guy (or a woman) can do. You can see evidence of that all over LS. People just do it make things easier on themselves. They don't care that the other person is left forever wondering what the heck happened. I'm sorry, but every time I hear about someone doing a disappearing act, I think, "who raised you?" People don't need to be saints, but they need to treat each other a little better than that.
Diezel Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I went to kiss him on the cheeks but somehow he came straight to my lips to kiss me then apologized when he noticed it was not my intention. It was embarrassing for both. This is why. Noticing it wasn't your "intention" is a soft rejection in his mind. He was apologizing not for feeling in top shape, but for trying to kiss you and feels that the ground is now awkward regardless of whether you emailed him back or not. Also, if your email was a simple response to his email, than he's not responding because you didn't email him something open-ended. He's not a "jerk". The evidence is inconclusive for that. He could just simply feel bad because he kissed you without a true "green light". It's been 8 days. If you REALLY liked him, then give him a call, but DON'T ask him out, just see how he's doing and see what stems from there. Let him be the man and ask you out again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Should have let him kiss you, kissing on the cheek seems too much like oh he's like a brother to me! Friend zone big time!!! Yeah could have been a rejection in his mind... If it was he could be backing off. If your interested, show him YOUR interested! ...Why didnt you let him kiss you? i dont see what the big deal was, you was feeling him right?
Author holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 Guys thanks a bunch for your replies. Although I'm still pretty confused, thanks to your feedback I'm trying to rule out if he vanished into thin air b/c uninterested or indeed like Diezel and Chrome write he felt rejected. Just how do I e-mail him something open-ended, yet encouraging at same time? Yet without asking him out?? I need to do it in a non-intrusive way, he's very discreet, doesn't like phones and mainly communicates by mail. You're right that my last e-mail was just a response to his. He mailed me 3 days after the date and after my reply (following day) he disappeared. Chrome: I wanted to kiss him but I had high fever, it wouldnt have been memorable and he knew I was sick..so I was confident he wouldn't take it as rejection. One thing that puzzles me heaps: why the heck would one bother to e-mail a girl for 6 months meet her again then disappear? Cheers for the eye-openers guy your comments (+ future ones) greatly appreciated!
Author holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 No, no, no, you did nothing wrong. Only he knows exactly why is not making contact. What you can be sure of, however, is that he lost interest for some reason but is too chicken to tell you. He'd rather make things as easy as possible on himself by just disappearing. The fact you're here wondering what went wrong is of no interest to him. What a jerk! I know...that's what I'm dying to know, why he lost interest after mailing me for months...I'm usually judged a pleasant, smart, funny, pretty, good at making people feel at ease girl...this disappearance is impacting on my self esteem
Serenitynow Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 how do I e-mail him something open-ended, yet encouraging at same time? Yet without asking him out?? why does it always have to be a game ? WHY cant anyone just be honest with the person. NOOO we have to pretend we arent interested !!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Dont email call and ask him out, be forceful but subtle. If your interested let him know. Maybe he wants a woman who knows what she wants. If he knew you was sick and tried to kiss you anyways. that's telling you something kinda good.
Author holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 why does it always have to be a game ? WHY cant anyone just be honest with the person. NOOO we have to pretend we arent interested !!! Tell me about it!! I hate games!!! Nothing I value more than being honest...am trying to follow some of the guys' advice above. Men are definitely more insightful on this topic
Diezel Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 If you REALLY liked him, then give him a call, but DON'T ask him out, just see how he's doing and see what stems from there. Let him be the man and ask you out again. Pretty sure I said: CALL. NOT email. Know why? Because if you email, you might be back here the next day asking why he hasn't responded to his email. If you call, he gets to hear your voice. But if you call and he doesn't pick up and within the same day he doesn't call back, you have your final answer. I really wish the reliance on technology based on the internet would cease to exist when it comes to relationships. Everyone wants to take the easy way out with texting/email and put none of the effort it actually takes to try to establish some sort of relationship. Just CALL and guaranteed you'll have some sort of answer within the next 24 hours.
Author holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 Pretty sure I said: CALL. NOT email. Know why? Because if you email, you might be back here the next day asking why he hasn't responded to his email. If you call, he gets to hear your voice. But if you call and he doesn't pick up and within the same day he doesn't call back, you have your final answer. I really wish the reliance on technology based on the internet would cease to exist when it comes to relationships. Everyone wants to take the easy way out with texting/email and put none of the effort it actually takes to try to establish some sort of relationship. Just CALL and guaranteed you'll have some sort of answer within the next 24 hours. Diezel, I'd love to be able to call! Thing is I'm feeling rejected enough as it is and he's not much of a phone person. I'm pretty sure my voice would shake and I wouldnt make a good impression at all...plus wouldn't know what to say. I was hoping he'd log on at least I could chat but he's nowhere to be found. But texting could be an option? Just what to say...can you give me an idea of something open ended to write? And again, why the heck did he e-mail me for 6 months to end it like this?? What's the point? Anyone has a hypothesis?
Diezel Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Holly, I already gave you my hypothesis. I don't know what else you want to look into it for. My theory is he felt rejected after the "kiss attempt" and is seeing that as having NO shot at you whatsoever. There's no deep-seeded psychological trauma, there's no meaning of life to it, there's no book about it by Dan Brown... he most likely just felt rejected from the kiss attempt and it made him feel like YOU rejected HIM as a whole. Personally, I've been rejected kiss-wise before and I've come back for more. But at a younger age, if a girl rejected a kiss of mine, that was it. It was time to move on. Someone who wasn't interested in me, wouldn't just pass up a kiss. Flawed thinking, but it's how I used to think. Stop making excuses for calling. "He's shy on the phone." "My voice would shake." "I wouldn't make a good impression." If you can't make a phone call work, how do you expect to make a long term relationship work? All you have to do is call and say HI... just like any friendly conversation with ANYONE else... like a friend. That's it. It's not rocket science. Just as simple as picking up the phone, dialing his number, saying Hi and asking him how his weekend has been.
Author holly369 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 cheers for the patience Diezel I'll psych myself up to be brave
Author holly369 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Hey everyone, just to brief you on the fact that I followed more or less your advice and decided to mail the guy to see if he was ok and let him to that if he was still around he could give a sign of life...I sent the mail yesterday night (after two weeks of him not responding to my previous mail) and this morning I found two missed calls from him on my cell. So I called him back and he asked me for a drink this same evening. Told him I had a hectic two days ahead but sure in following days we could have met but he insisted like 4 times to meet tonight. Eventually he said we could schedule for next week. So...asking the guys (and the girls too) after my previous posts: what exactly happened there? Had I not chased him I'd never have heard from him? Why is he so keen all of a sudden? Should I take it as a positive sign? Is there any potential interest in me? He hinted 2 times during the phone conversation that he was the only single guy among his bunch of friends, no idea what made him say that. Your feedback greatly appreciated! I have dated quite a few "wrong guys" and I've become pretty confused about men. Cheers
crimsonmike Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 why does it always have to be a game ? WHY cant anyone just be honest with the person. NOOO we have to pretend we arent interested !!! Seriously. I mean, SERIOUSLY!
crimsonmike Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 what exactly happened there? Diezel was right. He felt rejected by you when you turned down his kiss, then when you emailed him, it told him that you were still interested so he called you. Had I not chased him I'd never have heard from him? Nope. Why is he so keen all of a sudden? Uh, because he likes you and now thinks you like him. Should I take it as a positive sign? Are you friggin kidding me??? How in your female mind could you possibly not find this positive??? Is there any potential interest in me? He hinted 2 times during the phone conversation that he was the only single guy among his bunch of friends, no idea what made him say that. Oh. My. God. Men do not think like women. The only time men play mind games is when we're just trying to get in a woman's pants or women force us too. Do you seriously not know why he said that?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 BECAUSE HE'S FREAKING INTO YOU!!! holly, when he asked can you hang out, the right reply is to say yes!!! Not give the bullcrap like i got a hetic schedule, you make time! If he's into you, and your into him, dont play games, dont give excuses, you say one thing when he asks you a question and yet you analyse the situation after? wtf? Why cant it be a-b-c. not a-b-h-x-a.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 holly!!! Listen to me, either your in or your'e out! Maybe the one with the issues is you, not the men you date. did you ever think of that?
Diezel Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Yes, my advice was to call, but whatever. He contacted back. Hey everyone, So I called him back and he asked me for a drink this same evening. This means IMMEDIATE interest. He likes you. And then... Told him I had a hectic two days ahead but sure in following days we could have met but he insisted like 4 times to meet tonight. Why did you say NO? You were waiting for him to call you for TWO weeks and now you want to play games with him??? You obviously don't LIKE him. Here's the thing, you just hate that he disappeared. You never REALLY liked him, it just bothered you that he pulled back and never called you again. If you REALLY liked him, you would have been wanting to see him tonight. But instead, you are now just toying with him. Eventually he said we could schedule for next week. So...asking the guys (and the girls too) after my previous posts: what exactly happened there? I think you need to open up your eyes to what you are doing. That's what is happening there. He felt rejected, you email him, he contacts you, you get back to him and then go on with scheduling arrangements like those? I thought you liked him? Had I not chased him I'd never have heard from him? Had I not ALREADY explained to you the WHY? Why is he so keen all of a sudden? Because he wanted a second chance to right the wrong with that awkward kiss. You gave him a momentary second of hope, and then... SNATCHED IT AWAY with "hectic days". Should I take it as a positive sign? Is there any potential interest in me? Are YOU potentially interested? WTF are you doing? I gave him to you on a silver platter and see what happens? You want to play with dinner. You want me to make TWO bets while I'm at it: (1) Call him up tomorrow and ask him if he wants to go out, all signs point to him saying yes. (2) If you wait TOO long for next week to start scheduling stuff, do NOT be surprised if he suddenly disappears again. He hinted 2 times during the phone conversation that he was the only single guy among his bunch of friends, no idea what made him say that. Really? Your feedback greatly appreciated! I have dated quite a few "wrong guys" and I've become pretty confused about men. Cheers I'd say that you are more confused about yourSELF. This guy could not be more blatantly obvious and you are so focused on trying to find small signals and details that you are blatantly missing the bigger picture here. I wish that guy good luck.
Author holly369 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 ouch they're harsh! Interesting to see how I may come across...especially through a forum...it's an eye opener though, yeah maybe I'm confused about myself other than guys... Thing is I do hate playing games. And I do like the guy A LOT. I am confused because many times in the past I trusted men blindly and it turned out they only wanted one thing of me, then disappeared. It feels so not nice to be thrown away like an old shoe. After a few similar experiences you start feeling seriously rejected or faulty and you don't see things objectively...e.g. I see/talk to this beautiful sweet guy and I think "It can't be true, why would he want me". Maybe I've become cynical but when he disappeared for 2 weeks I thought "ok, he was only after sex, I didn't kiss him so he figured why bother with her". Brought me back to old scenarios. Don't you agree that not replying for 2 weeks is just plain rude anyway??? You could at least write something vague, whatever, how am I supposed to know? As for not seeing him tonight it's so not being a tease. He contacted me at noon to ask to see me tonight and I did have other things which are a priority for work. I offered tomorrow or day after, he said he was busy and weekend too. So I had no choice but offer next week any day. How's that playing games? Is one supposed to drop everything the minute the guy calls after 2 weeks of silence?? You wouldn't do it either right? If I don't hear from him again next week then either he's not that into me, or he's playing games no? Oh and I can't believe I bumped into a nice guy...being a gentleman, caring, not manipulative, sweet and smiley, what more would I want! I can appreciate them when I see them, only I saw men like these so rarely recently, I find it hard to recognize them! Which is why I ask all these questions which you think sound weird. I totally wanted to kiss him on first date but as I wrote I had quite high fever, was just exhausted and wanted to go to sleep (regardless of how attracted I was to him, if you're sick you're sick). Still thanks for taking time to post, especially if you think I'm such a manipulator/game player. I am not!! I used to be so spontaneous now I just freeze for fear of repeating past mistakes or not being able to assess properly who I have in front of me. That's all...hope it's just a phase.
Diezel Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Maybe I've become cynical but when he disappeared for 2 weeks I thought "ok, he was only after sex, I didn't kiss him so he figured why bother with her". Brought me back to old scenarios. Don't you agree that not replying for 2 weeks is just plain rude anyway??? You could at least write something vague, whatever, how am I supposed to know?[/QUote] Well, see how you're view is completely different from mine? If all he would have wanted was sex, he wouldn't have tried to date you in the first place and he would have tried much MORE than just kiss. What you described wasn't a pump and dump in the first date. I agree that not replying for 2 weeks is rather rude, but then again, it's something that's been done to me by countless women, so I'm pretty much immune to it by now. Oh yes, LOTS of women love to employ that tactic. Of course you DON'T know, you are assuming the worst. You NEVER in a million years could possibly think that maybe he felt rejected in some way, it HAS to be that he wanted just sex and since he didn't get it, he disappeared. Look, I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's how I get the point across. I don't sugar coat my advice. I find that if I just hand it off gently to people, they won't take it seriously. Every new person is a new set of circumstances. Everyone in the dating world has been wronged, but as soon as you throw up a whole bunch of shields up, you start missing the point and you start playing games, even if its subconscious. As for not seeing him tonight it's so not being a tease. He contacted me at noon to ask to see me tonight and I did have other things which are a priority for work. I offered tomorrow or day after, he said he was busy and weekend too. So I had no choice but offer next week any day. How's that playing games? Is one supposed to drop everything the minute the guy calls after 2 weeks of silence?? Funny, HE seemed to have NO problem dropping what he was doing to call you this morning and to try to make time for you tonight. I wouldn't doubt that as soon as you told him that you couldn't tonight, he probably went back into "rejection mode" and told you he couldn't tomorrow or Friday, and then the re-scheduling begins. You wouldn't do it either right? Yes, I would. I'm enough of an adult to know that if something interests me enough, I will MAKE time for it. For instance, you posted in here about 5 times, which maybe adds up roughly to about 30 to 60 mins between reading and posting your mind. You could have easily told him: I'm busy, but would you like to get some coffee??? If you were really THAT interested, you would have MADE the time. I've done it before and I'd have no trouble doing it again. I have no qualms in parlaying my interest and acting quick if need be. If I don't hear from him again next week then either he's not that into me, or he's playing games no? Oh and I can't believe I bumped into a nice guy...being a gentleman, caring, not manipulative, sweet and smiley, what more would I want! I can appreciate them when I see them, only I saw men like these so rarely recently, I find it hard to recognize them![/QUote] You thought he was playing games last time, and although we're not sure, I've enlightened you to a whole other possibility. If it was truly rejection that he sensed from you, then he's EXPECTING it again. He called you today, made plans... how is he NOT into you? Stop overanalyzing. You're killing yourself here. Just make the new plans with him and go out and HAVE FUN. Stop worrying about whether or not he likes you, stop worrying about whether games are being played... just enjoy his company if it DOES happen. Everytime you worry or overanalyze it comes off as insecurity and he probably saw that the first time around... If you really like him that much, PROVE it to YOURSELF. Forget the forums, forget other people. You described a great man, but how will you get to know him if you don't give each other the chance to do so?
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