hope of a second chance,new relationship? insight needed.

[solefunknfresh]

Situation:

We have been together for 9 months. Officially 5 months. We only had a month and a half to lay a foundation while I was up in San Francisco and he was in San Jose. I thought he was going to stop talking to me when I told him I had to go away for school, but he was willing to really try because he felt really comfortable with me and really liked me. Long distance was a first for both of us. He is 24 and I am 22.

 

Throughout the relationship, he was the one that would do sweet small things out of nowhere, which is why i felt like he loved me more. He would always leave a letter in my bag after every visit. When i went on a cruise, he left me a vm everyday. he would make me chocolate strawberries, buy flowers randomly, or pick a flower for me. He even sent me flowers on vday to irvine. He didn't have alot of money, but he also engraved an itouch for me. In his previous relationships, he said they did not really do gifts, just letters. I did alot of stuff for him too, and i know we really loved each other. Even his older cousins could tell we really liked each other because they would comment on how much pda we did or call us lovebirds. He was never afraid to show his love for me in front of his friends, and always kissed me or held me close.

 

My ex was pretty insecure. He had two exes that cheated on him. his last ex was 6 years but he had no insecurity issues with her because she was always around and controlling his life. He broke it off because he fell out of love with her, found her annoying, and felt too controlled. There has been times when he would snoop on my phone and find texts from guys. I always reassured him that they were guys that i used to date and for some reason is trying to rekindle something with me even though they know i have a bf. Or it will be new guy friends that are just being friendly. He has always told me " promise me it's nothing. i love you too much. please don't hurt me, i wouldn't now how to deal with it." he told me he was really scared but he still loved me alot. The one thing we argued when we did argue was trust issues. I don't think he understood that I was friendly because that is just who I am and because I didn't know ANYONE moving to irvine. I was just trying to find friends.

 

Recently, i had left my fb on while i was hanging out with his friends at his house. He snooped at my fb and saw this message from this one guy. Apparently this guy thought i was cute, he had previously asked me and some friends if i was taken, and he was informed that he was. However, i did not know he was very persistent and flirty in nature. In the msg, he asked to lunch. i said yes , thinking...well i already told this guy i had a bf. i'm just trying to make a friend. however this guy has the audacity to say "its a date." i didn't really comment on that. i just said "this is my number. don't abuse it" however, after all this, i decided to not even go to lunch. i can see why my ex was mad when he saw this. the weird thing is he didn't really confront me right away. after he saw it, we both went out to eat, and cuddled to sleep. i didn't know until the next morning when i saw his computer that he had seen it. I spent the whole day kind of crying and panicking. i knew i should have told him another guy was hitting on me, but at the same time, i didn't feel like i had to tell him because i never had the intentions to leave my ex. he was hungover and didn't say anything until late afternoon. he told me he seen the msg, and he didn't know what to do. he was mad, and said he didn't care. he told me "he was tired of feeling this way. " he said "sorry i don't trust you, sorry that you always have to feel like you have to prove yourself to me. but i hate seeing stuff like this." i panicked and kept asking if he was going to break up with me and he said "i don't know." that night, we had to go to his friend's graduation. i panicked because i didn't want to not know where we stood so i made the mistake of saying "let's just be great friends till you figure out what to do." later on when i apologized and said i didn't really mean it...he told me "[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i was really confused why you asked that..and my instinct was to go with it cuz i was mad." at his friend's thing, he still treated me like his gf and made sure i was okay. the day after, i had to leave to go back to irvine. we chilled normally for the last hour and he just said "we are friends. you made me choose. i need time. i don't want to do anything irrational. "

 

the next two weeks was hell. for the first week, i kept calling and texting and im-ing him about how much i loved him. i had asked if he still considered me as a gf and he said.."[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i do and i dont. I still love you tho. its just hard for me. cuz im still scared"[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] during the first week, i made an online album of all our good times and he really did genuinely seem to love it. it was only during the second week, that i tried to be more distant. sometimes when i didn't reply to his text, he would then ask "whtchu doing? or good afternoon." he still told me everything he did that day even if i didn't ask to go into detail. he would tell me he still loved me and just wanted to believe that he could get over this by himself. during these two weeks, he went out alot and worked out alot. i decided to fly back the end of the second week to apologize again in person before he left for vacation the following week.

 

the first hangout, it was eating and movies. once i saw him, i had baked cupcakes too, i broke down and asked for a second chance. however, he said " i don't want to get back with you just because i don't want to see you sad. I'm not sure if i'm ready to be in a relationship again. i still need time. sometimes i still get mad thinking about the message" during the hangout, we still acted like a couple. he would still let me kiss him and sometimes he would kiss me on the forehead and put his arms around me. honestly, i was the one doing all the moves though, i could tell he didn't want to do too much. i even saw him try to lift the arm of the theater seat slyly, but the arms don't move. he complimented that he liked how my hair was curled, and kept looking at me. before i left, i really wanted to sleepover so i asked if i could and he told me monday night since that night was his sister's birthday dinner. and before i left, i gave him a tank top since he said he was always looking for one for the trip. he genuinely said thank you and i could see in his eyes that he meant it.

 

On monday, we went to eat and then played catch and football for awhile. sometimes during these hangouts, he would bring up stuff that he used to be jealous about.both hangouts, he would ask if i was going to this rave coming up because he has always disapproved of it. I told him no, and asked why he asked..and he would just say "i know rave culture, and just want you to be safe." another time i had this convo with him.."oo vacations are so carefree, you don't have to worry about anything and just enjoy the moment. HE GOES. " ooo was it carefree on the cruise for you because you didn't have to talk to me?" I SAY " no! i called you from catalina remember?"

 

that night, he had to go pick up his mom from the airport. as he was gone, i decided to just look at his AIM archives to see what he was saying to his friends about everything. i knew i shouldn't have snooped but i had such a hard time coping with everything, i was hoping i would find some kind of answer. i opened this one archive where he was talking to one of his good girlfriends since high school. she also chilled in the same group with him and his ex and she never seemed to smile at me. the convo i found made me so mad and indifferent. In the convo, my ex had sent her a email that had my personal feelings in it. the girl was also immature. after seeing it, she said " hahah it's so long and boring" what got me mad was that my ex just laughed too and did not defend me. Another thing was that the ex told the girl that i was waiting for him and he did not know why. This was a front and a lie because he knows why. he told me that he didn't make up his mind yet and he was still texting and calling me. [although he insisted he didn't to his friend] also when the friend had asked him if he wanted to get back with me, he said he didn't. also, in the convo, he sounded like he was flirting. i just don't get why he was flirting with her, since this girl has been friends with him for so long, has seen and is friends with his ex of 6 years. I now he didn't ever cheated on me when we were together.

 

after seeing the convo, i was relatively calm. I went from being mad to disappointed to indifferent. i felt like he disrespected me and i never ever saw this side of him. he was so nice to me throughout the whole relationship in front of his friends, my friends, and his family. i confronted him and he said he had said everything because he was so mad and bitter against me. he said i tell my friend in person that i still love you though. he said he was just looking for that kind of advice when he was mad. i asked him if he was too scared to tell his friends and family that he was too insecure and he said no. he had told his sisters and his bf that "me and him weren't on the same level right now. i saw something i wasn't supposed to look at but i still got mad." he told me that his family and guy friends had told him to take his time and work it out. i believe him because recently, his sister, his best friend, and his best friend's girl commented on pictures on my fb. i am not close to any of them and if he had really spoken to them about me in the same disrespectful manner, i don't think they would even bother to be fb friends, let alone write nice comments. i am not saying it justifies his actions though. that night, i talked to him as a friend and gave him advice and told him how i had suffered the past two weeks. i could tell he was embarrassed and finally he said " i really don't like myself sometimes. i know i have to let go of my past." i think i got some power back because as i was talking to him, i think he sensed my indifference and my genuine care for him as a friend. he said "so what is going to happen to us? i don't want to lose you as a whole person." i said we'll be friends i guess. when i had asked him how he would feel in this situation, he said " i will understand if you hate me and didn't want to be my friend. i would not really consider me as a boyfriend." i told him "i didn't hate him, i just was shocked to see he would handle a situation like this." in the end, when he dropped me at the airport, i think we both kinda just said "we'll be friends right now."

 

 

Timing: broke up around memorial day weekend so end of may. he had a family trip to the Philippines lined up around June 17th, and hasn't gone back for 3 years.

 

MOST RECENT CONTACT: Before he left for his trip, he had given me a facebook message:

"Hey! Just wanted to say sorry for disrespecting you. I wasnt thinking and i regret everything i did. You really made me smile whenever i was with you. I know i have to get over my problems and let go. You were a great GF and i still do have love for you. thanks for everything Bee. I know we will be really good bestest friends. haha. This is best for both of us. Well just wanted to say sorry again before i leave for the Philippines. Also, any request for what you want? a pound of Ding Dongs? haha Alright Bee. I will see you sometime in the summer and we still need to go Magic Mountain. Be safe, have fun, no freaking (haha jk) but take care of yourself..I know you can because you're such a strong girl. Alright Bee. BYE!"

 

i didn't respond to this and the next morning, he sent me an im saying "hey. i'm at the HK airport. you're probably sleeping. just wanted to say HI! ok bye."

 

i took time off to think of a good response or if these messages even needed responses. finally 3 days after, i just responded to the im saying "hey. got your msg. was busy moving and everything else. probably won't be online at the same time. hope you have fun in the PI. most likely, talk to you when you get back." I responded on AIM because i've seen him update on FB and i'm sure he has seen I have been on so I didn't want to respond on FB. I haven't really seen him logging on to AIM, so I don't know if he has seen my response and/or think i'm ignoring him.

 

Thoughts: is his last message really a goodbye note and that he has closed the door on reconciliation? should i proceed with NC or LC? should i be friends and see where that takes us? should i tell him in person or email that i can't be friends with him while i still have feelings? is there anything i can do at this point? have i already messed up my chances? also, although i had been the first to say let's be friends, he knows i didn't mean it. i don't know who is the dumper or the dumpee now. i know for certain, i feel like the dumpee. is he just bouncing the idea of being friends with me to see if he made the right decision? But has he really moved on to just being friends? is it possible the vacation will give him time to clear his head, or just to move on??

 

i don't expect him to really contact me right after his vacation since he is coming back on july 4th and i know he will have family and friend parties. i don't know what to do when he does contact me since i did say "most likely, i'll talk to you when you get back." i'm scared to do no contact, because i still want him to know i have feelings for him, and i'm not ignoring him because i'm still mad.

 

it seems like he still has love for me, is confused, and doesn't want me to be out of his life completely with the "good bestest friends" talk. we joked around before that we could see us marrying each other because he said he loved being around me and i made everything fun. that's why i don't know if i should stay friends, and remind him that we do really enjoy each other's company. alot of my friends have advised me to wait till he comes back from vacation and see what happens.

 

i am definitely not as depressed as before ever since finding the AIM convo. however i do want to be with him still, and work on a better relationship. i know he is still a good guy. i don't know if he acted bitter because i had hurt him so bad. he treated me really well while we were together. i love him alot and i saw a future with him. sorry for the long post. i am just confused. i do feel like i am moving on and letting go but at times i feel like i'm slipping. i could really use some sound advice..thanks!

[GrayClouds]

You may want to boil this down to a paragraph, it hard to get thoughful responce with that much information. In the mean time read the following link and do as it says it will be your best option:

 

So you want a second chance?

 

Good luck.