Being Around Him Makes Me Crazy

[jj33]

How do I get past my hurt and anger at xMM?

 

I recently had to spend a day with him and when I heard the sound of his voice chatting and laughing with someone it made me so crazy I had to excuse myself every few minutes.

 

Finally I had to leave.

 

It was disadvantageous for me to have left early but my head was pounding and I wasnt enjoying what was otherwise a great time.

 

Its not his problem or anything he was doing. He was living his life, charming the people around him. I couldnt sit with just him and someone else and engage with them. I just dont have it in me.

 

I thought I did but I dont.

 

So I left early and I wish I hadnt. But I couldnt take it.

 

How do I get past this. It wasnt just the 3 of us the entire time but for reasons I cant disclose on a public forum at one point it was and I just folded and said I am out of here.

 

I need to be able to be around him without feeling so angry. How do I do this?

 

All suggestions appreciated.

 

Thanks

[hopeless4u]

How do I get past my hurt and anger at xMM?

 

I recently had to spend a day with him and when I heard the sound of his voice chatting and laughing with someone it made me so crazy I had to excuse myself every few minutes.

 

Finally I had to leave.

 

It was disadvantageous for me to have left early but my head was pounding and I wasnt enjoying what was otherwise a great time.

 

Its not his problem or anything he was doing. He was living his life, charming the people around him. I couldnt sit with just him and someone else and engage with them. I just dont have it in me.

 

I thought I did but I dont.

 

So I left early and I wish I hadnt. But I couldnt take it.

 

How do I get past this. It wasnt just the 3 of us the entire time but for reasons I cant disclose on a public forum at one point it was and I just folded and said I am out of here.

 

I need to be able to be around him without feeling so angry. How do I do this?

 

All suggestions appreciated.

 

Thanks

Oh hunny I feel your pain, I was just the same yesterday. He was sat behind me in a meeting and just the sound of his voice made me want to cry, he has a great voice, very deep, very sexy and the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. I never thought the sound of someones voice could have that kind of impact on me but it did.

 

I know this isn't answering your question but just thought I'd let you know you are not alone, he was just talking work, not sure I could of handled hearing him being sweet and happy to people though!

 

Big ((hugs)) hunny x

[GrayClouds]

 

I need to be able to be around him without feeling so angry. How do I do this?

 

All suggestions appreciated.

 

Thanks

I guess I do not know why you have to hang out with the person. If you do not enjoy it then stop.

 

 

 

 

 

.

Edited June 25, 2010 by GrayClouds

[jj33]

I guess I do not know why you have to hang out with the person. If you do not enjoy it then stop.

 

We were with mutual customers. Its not optional unless I dump all mutual customers.

[jj33]

And thanks Hopeless. It sucks so much.

 

I was SO angry at myself that I wasnt comfortable. I left at the first opportunity and wished I hadnt felt the need and came home and cried.

 

He didnt have to sit next to the person next to me. He didnt have to talk about his W. He didnt have to flirt with this woman. He didnt have to suggest we take the same taxi back from the meeting since our offices are near each other. I left to make sure that there was no way that would happen. I didnt want to share with him or him and another person who works near where we each work.

 

I dont even know what to do with myself. And it not his problem its mine. He wasnt uncomfortable. He was perfectly charming with everyone. I was awkward which is not good

 

Rant over

[Ronni_W]

I need to be able to be around him without feeling so angry. How do I do this?

He's not acting the way you want/need/would prefer him to: with some sense of propriety and a bit of consideration for you.

Is it anger direct at him or anger that his unseemly behaviour is completely out of your control? (That is, feeling helpless and powerless to make things more how you want/need/prefer they would be?)

 

It's reminding me of the 'poem':

Lord grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who piss me off.

 

Which is to say, maybe acceptance and letting go of any need/desire to control?

And...just call when you need help hiding those bodies

[GrayClouds]

We were with mutual customers. Its not optional unless I dump all mutual customers.

 

Or find additional ways to support your customers that keeps them happy and allows you to minimized the times you are round him. It may be a bit more effort but maybe less angst.

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. Its partially anger at him that he has no consideration for me whatsoever. At this point it is just anger that he exists. I cant stand him. And he undermines me. And there is nothing I can do but accept it.

 

We dont speak to each other except for those few words that are required. Its nothing in particular hes doing that is unexpected. Its vintage him to sit down next to someone sitting next to me and flirt with her. I move and suddenly he is there again. I move again. Its silly and it makes me look silly.

 

Im looking forward to the day the sound of his voice is not like chalk on a chalkboard.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, jj.

I know that he is a total dick. And, yes, there is nothing anybody else can do about that.

 

But could it be that you're playing too "small" (too powerless)? What would happen if YOU started 'being' wherever HE is, and started flirting with whomever is handiest? Or doing whatever, to somehow turn the tables on him.

 

Right now, by your choice, you two are not playing by the same rules...and he is using your choice against you, with impunity and no negative consequences to himself. He has all the power because he is counting on you to continue to just keep playing by your own rules; your own sense of decency, propriety and seemliness. That's exactly how bullies get to stay being the bully.

 

He is a dick. You can stay angry, or you can start using his own dickheadedness against him. All the better if it is subtle and unobtrusive...but it does have to have a BIG impact on him (exactly the same as he is doing to you.)

 

I know it's not you, to act like him. In that, you are polar opposites. But, to stand up to a bully, you gotta show him that you can and will, if he keeps pressing you, act like a bully, too. Usually it doesn't take that long for them to reveal their cowardice.

 

Big hugs, jj. I honestly wish he would just leave you alone. Miserable dick that he is.

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. I would have but there werent any men around.

 

I just wish I didnt care. I want to shake him and say you have been such a dickhead just tell me why. We were able to get along so well for so long and suddenly you turned into a dick.

 

I mean what other grown man married for years needs to mention his wife in a business setting whenever I am around? Theres no reason and yet he does it. Noone else is talking about their wives. And no he wasnt talking t me but it was within earshot and I am sure calculated to annoy me.

 

And at the same time he acts like he is some authority on what i do and says oh yes jj is very good at x when it iinvolves y. When really my field is x but because he acts like he is an authority he makes people think I am just doing this one little bit and they should seek someone elses advice for the rest. Again when he said that I was so far away it would have meant interrupting the conversation i was in and inserting myself in a his conversation by shouting but... its infuriating.

 

Its so hard to believe we were ever on the same page. And that we ever had any rapport whatsoever.

 

At one point we were both sitting there alone waiting for others to return. We sat in silence. It was really unfortunate.

 

The whole thing worries me and I keep trying to remind myself he is just one person and he cant hurt me too badly. The fact that he acts like he is trying to help me is really annoying.

 

And now he promotes people while he is right in front of me. That is something I would NEVER have done EVER. I wouldnt do it in front of his face as I dont think its worthwhile but it cuts to the core that he would do that.

[GrayClouds]

Your looking for sympathy and support I understand that, heartache is heartache.

 

I say this with all do respect, but the issue is here more about your willingness to give up your own power then about this guy. You choose to enter a relationship with someone where you was not an equal but just an option.

 

I just wish I didnt care. I want to shake him and say you have been such a dickhead just tell me why. We were able to get along so well for so long and suddenly you turned into a dick.

He has always been a dick, but you choose not to see it, because he was being a dick to his wife during the affair rather then you. If you are going to shake a rattler's tail, do not be surprise when he bites back.

 

I mean what other grown man married for years needs to mention his wife in a business setting whenever I am around? Theres no reason and yet he does it. Noone else is talking about their wives. And no he wasnt talking t me but it was within earshot and I am sure calculated to annoy me.

 

And at the same time he acts like he is some authority on what i do and says oh yes jj is very good at x when it iinvolves y. When really my field is x but because he acts like he is an authority he makes people think I am just doing this one little bit and they should seek someone elses advice for the rest. Again when he said that I was so far away it would have meant interrupting the conversation i was in and inserting myself in a his conversation by shouting but... its infuriating.

He can only be successful at this if you allow him to be, and at this point you must be more happy being infuriated then being stopping. By allowing him to diminish your work, it give you the opportunity to still be hurt and made about the affair not ending the way you want it too, it allows you to still hang on to your hurt.

 

Its so hard to believe we were ever on the same page. And that we ever had any rapport whatsoever.

 

At one point we were both sitting there alone waiting for others to return. We sat in silence. It was really unfortunate.

Why because if he did not talk you can not? Why not state to him taht he may not have meant to but he to diminish your work in front of customer and next time you will have to call him on that which make him look bad, so please refrain from that behavior.

 

The whole thing worries me and I keep trying to remind myself he is just one person and he cant hurt me too badly. The fact that he acts like he is trying to help me is really annoying.

The level of hurt he can inflict is directly in relation to your willingness to accept it.

And now he promotes people while he is right in front of me. That is something I would NEVER have done EVER. I wouldnt do it in front of his face as I dont think its worthwhile but it cuts to the core that he would do that.

You were passive in the affair, willing to let him make the choice to be with you or his wife, and now you still show passivity toward this guy.

 

Start taking control of the situation by asserting yourself in it or removing yourself from it. Your not a victim here you just being a doormat for his ego at the expense of your self-esteem. Stop focusing on him, and focus on you. Stand up for yourself, figure out why you are so willing to give up your power, find ways stop doing it or not.

 

 

.

[Ronni_W]

I want to shake him and say you have been such a dickhead just tell me why.

He is a man scorned, is why. You do NOT need him to tell you that, jj! And it is true that he likely has always been this way, under these circumstances. But only his former affair partners will know, and they will only know after the fact. He is NOT needed for you to gain knowledge/understanding about this (ugly and vicious) side of him.

I mean what other grown man married for years needs to mention his wife in a business setting whenever I am around? Theres no reason and yet he does it.

Personally. I'd wait for a suitable opening and then shoot back something like, "You speak so frequently and so fondly about your wife -- so the rumours floating around that you've been engaging in extramaritals are not true, then?" With a kind of raised eyebrow and all the while smiling just as sweetly and innocently as the day I was born.

 

I would not just be helpless and powerless in his presence, jj. I would fight back. I would do it because it is my self-responsibility to save my sanity and also to stand up for myself.

 

Again when he said that I was so far away it would have meant interrupting the conversation i was in and inserting myself in a his conversation by shouting but... its infuriating.

Here again. It is YOUR professional reputation and ability to generate revenue, and it is YOUR responsibility to defend yourself and your business from harm...even if that means interrupting some other conversation.

 

I would just go over (not shout) and say, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing that 'DickHead' is misguided about what I actually do and can do. In fact, <tell your whole truth and nothing but your truth.>" Then smile sweetly and innocently at DickHead and say, "I REALLY appreciate that you gave me the chance to clear THAT up!" Blow him a kiss, and walk away. (Then go and faint in the ladies'...if that feels like it might happen )

 

Its so hard to believe we were ever on the same page. And that we ever had any rapport whatsoever.

Well...yes, exactly. I think it was not genuine on his side. I think, if it had been even a smidgen, then he could not be doing this, now. He only acted in ways that he thought-believed would keep him getting what he wanted, which was you.

 

And now he promotes people while he is right in front of me. That is something I would NEVER have done EVER. I wouldnt do it in front of his face as I dont think its worthwhile but it cuts to the core that he would do that.

EVERYTHING that will return your power to you and will help to dissolve/eliminate your feelings of anger, regret, bitterness, helplessness and powerlessness is 100% worthwhile, jj. YOU are 100% worthy of your own defense and protection.

 

Again. I know easier typed than done. But somehow...somehow you must find your reserves of whatever-is-lacking, and come out swinging! You deserve that from you.

 

Sending lots of all that you desire and need.

Ronni

[jj33]

Thanks. Next time I am in the same place with him (and its rare nowadays thank God) if I overhear him saying things I will intervene and say something.

 

In any field we all deal with the fact that there is competition but its rare that you hear someone promoting your competition in front of you.

 

He may be at something I am at tomorrow. When we are in the same place I try to avoid him as much as I can but if I over hear him mentioning me I will speak up.

 

Generally I try to just not think about him but was around him yesterday and it just made my blood boil to know that he is actively promoting others now. Its not even his job to do that.

[jj33]

And thanks I just contacted the person he was speaking to most directly and said I overheard bits of the conversation and .... and made clear that my work is far broader than as described by him. This person knows that but I also wanted to highlight that xMMs informatoin is biased and suspect.

 

Two can play this game. He is very close to the other person who was in the conversation and I suspect he will tell her I got an odd email from jj, which will signal to her that there is some reason not to rate xMMs comments.

 

Thank you again for encouraging me. There is nothing i can do about what he says when he is not around me but when I do overhear, I can fight back.

[Ronni_W]

and it just made my blood boil

That's my bigger concern in a nutshell, jj. It is not good for your physical health. And it is giving rise to thoughts, feelings, self-image and self-talk that do not at all support your own ability to do great things for yourself through 'laws of attraction' and 'powers of the mind'. I mean, not just your physical health, but also you being able to create/manifest your grandest vision and dreams for yourself.

 

IMO, DickHead is not worth it and does not deserve it, for you to abandon your Self like you have been doing. To me, you are FAR more worthy, worthwhile and deserving

[Ronni_W]

And thanks I just contacted the person he was speaking to most directly and said I overheard bits of the conversation and .... and made clear that my work is far broader than as described by him.

:bunny:

That is EXCELLENT news, jj! Thanks for sharing. Definitely just keep doing things like that for yourself. Your strength and courage will grow every single time. Well done, Lady!!! :bunny:

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. I really appreciate your support.

 

I am always fearful of angering him because he does have the power in ways that I dont. And the person I wrote to is going to think its really odd that I did write him because he knows me well.

 

 

Im not sure it sent hte right signal - that I am reinforcing what xMM said was wrong to someone who knows that does show weakness to some extent (why bother when its clearly wrong). It also signals that there are problems between xMM and I which is not good either. Noone wants to deal with people who cant "get along".

 

But?? I am hoping it sends some positive signal like I am being protective about my turf. I hoep it didnt do more harm than good.

[Ronni_W]

Glad I can be supportive, jj.

 

The thing is that he is ALREADY wielding whatever power he actually may have, and thinks he has, against you. He is ALREADY causing you harm, not only "out there" but also within you.

 

Standing up for yourself or reiterating the positives that people already know about you is NOT a sign of weakness - how could it be? (That is just your own misguided belief talking smack to you .)

 

I also think you would be deceiving yourself if you did not accept that the problems between you two must be quite obvious to many more of your (mutual) colleagues than you are giving credit. It happens in every single industry, and most people are well-skilled in spotting it and dealing with it.

 

You can test this for yourself, jj. Think about times, in professional and personal settings, when you just felt a "weird vibe" between two people. You may not have known exactly what was going on, but dealt with it just fine, didn't you? With perfect aplomb, grace and proper social etiquette.

 

More likely your colleagues will decide that it is some professional difference of opinion or whatever, but they are not so stupid and lacking social competence as to not notice the "heavy energy" between the two of you.

 

I honestly would not be afraid of them "finding out" that things are off/strained between you and DickHead -- that ship has already sailed, wouldn't you say...if you thought on it again?

 

When you need to do similar damage control in the future, you can also preface with, "I'm quite sure you already know all my areas of expertise, but I feel the need to just reiterate it after what DickHead said...to me it could have sounded as if that's all that I'm focusing on now, which isn't the case." Something like that.

 

It is damage control, jj. Make no mistake that he is out to hurt you; that is how he is acting and what his actions and words have been doing and have the potential to do in the future. (Because he is a little man and a little man scorned, is why he is doing and saying it. No other reasons.)

 

There is nothing at all weak about you doing damage control, defending and protecting after the fact, or about being proactive in stemming the bleeding and eliminating opportunities for him to even make the first cut.

 

It is strength. It will take courage on your part. The opposite of "weak", yes?

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. You are so right (as always). Its so hard to accept that he contacts me constantly much as I ask him not to, and yet he is out to harm me and frighten me and control me.

 

Its obsessive and crazy and so unecessary. He really must not have much to do. And its a good thing I did that damage control as he just sent me an email telling me that the person I wrote who I have known for years was asking about me (as if xMM is the one to ask about my competence). Have you ever worked with him? He was asking me about you and I told him you were great in this one dying little area of your competence.

 

What a nuisance. Designed to scare me into thinking people who have trusted me for years are doubting me.

 

Thanks again you are a star!

[Ronni_W]

OMG - now I'm even happier that you did send that email!!! Most decidedly it showed strength...and, to me, it also is proving that you will need to guard against DickHead's campaign against you.

 

Honestly, jj, I would consider sending out some type of "news release" to everyone in your 'Rolodex' (what are 'rolodexes' called, these days? ) Just say that, of late, you have, for unknown-to-you reasons, been fielding many questions about your current business/professional objectives and interests and you wish to assure everyone that...etc., etc. You appreciate their past and continued confidence, etc., and of course feel free to contact you if there remains any doubt about the direction in which your business is growing. To every single person in your Rolodex.

 

Unfortunately, if you do not fight back with every 'weapon', tactic and ounce of strength that you have, then those people who have known and trusted you for years will be left with nothing but this insane dickhead's words...and they will start to form new opinions for lack of anything from you to contradict his words, or prove him wrong. Most current information always gets the nod, no matter what has gone before. I would not just be resting on my (old) reputation and laurels.

 

Its obsessive and crazy and so unecessary.

Obsessive and crazy it is. But it is absolutely necessary; vitally and critically necessary for him.

 

Problem here is that you're looking at the situation with your eyes and also, perhaps, with a slightly kinder view of him. It is going to suck...but you must start perceiving him as the enemy. Enemies do things to hurt/harm/destroy because that is their mission and purpose. Everything he is doing is a necessary part of this "battle against you" that he has gone and created in his own ugly and vicious brain.

 

For him, it is no longer personal on any level. He is operating strictly from his most vicious instincts -- his pride and ego have been hurt, and he is on a 'seek and destroy' mission to make himself feel better; powerful and important. These are the things he obviously lost when you left, and now he wants to make you pay.

 

At least, jj, this is how I'm reading the situation. It has done nothing but escalate (on his side.) It is erratic, irrational, obsessive and crazy, yes. But I would not dismiss it just because it is that. It is also ugly and vicious, dangerous and destructive. DickHead has lost his mind over you, and that makes him dangerous to you, yes?

 

Good lawd, I am not meaning to scare you...well, maybe "scare you into defending and protecting yourself." I do not at all think you are at physical risk. But you do have much at risk, because this man has lost it over you. Which would be flattering if he wasn't also such a psycho dickhead.

 

Seriously, jj. Any close-to-'normal' person would have gotten over it by now, if on nothing else than sheer guts and determination to not let [you] get to him. But this man is clearly still feeling as scorned as the day you left...well, MORE scorned than that because he's been using the intervening time to just let his sense of inadequacy and powerlessness grow and fester and ooze bitterness, hatred and hostility. He is a freaking insidious menace and plague

 

Can't play nice with that! Can't give no benefits of the doubt to that!

 

Take care of you, jj. And your reputation and business. And fight for your right to a peaceful existence. He does NOT get to take that from you just because he's turned psycho. Right?

 

Hugs, and best. (Feel free to PM, if/when.)

[jj33]

Yes he is angry. I have humiliated him by letting it be known to his investors that he is acting in a manner that is not appropriate. And you would THINK that would be enough to stop him but no they obviously dont think enough of me to intervene or have no power to change his behavior. My star is rising and he is not a part of that and that also irks him on some level I think. He needs careful managing. But really I dont have the time to deal with him. I have customers to consider and their needs have to come before his. Doing the right thing for your customers speaks for itself and always wins the day.

 

I appreciate your suggestion about a press release but that would not be helpful in my line of work. Everyone knows what I do and I have loads of customers. It would be odd and would raise questions about why i was sending out that sort of communication.

 

But your suggestion did make me think. And upon reflection, the best thing I can do as far as he is concerned is to ignore the implied threats. He is not a shareholder in my business, he is not a close confidante at this point in time and there is no reason to cause ripples among my customer base.

 

Thanks again for your help with this. He is obsessed and that is his problem. He could have had me if he had wanted me. He didnt so he has no one to blame but himself if he is feeling lost without me.