My situation

[cleveraccountname]

So, we've been together for nearly 3 years, we're early 20's. Our relationship has seen some big ups and downs, there has been some dishonesty (not actual cheating) but the worst thing I did was hook up with someone else while we were broken up last year (we had been broken up for about a month and a half)

 

Recently (about 11 hours ago) she told me she 'kissed' another guy (based on the situation she was in that night, I'm assuming it was in a university dorm room as she was visiting some friends who live there)

 

A little less recently, about a week ago, she broke up with me. I was pretty emotional etc but got myself together and accepted it, only to be told a couple of hours later that she took it all back. I told her she couldn't do that, it wasn't fair to mess with my head and emotions like that. Anyway, we stayed together and moved past that.

 

Through some snooping (which I usually don't do, but felt I was permitted) I discovered that she has been messaging this guy for the last couple of days. She has known the guy (through friends) for a few weeks. There was nothing explicit in the messages but a bit of flirting etc.

 

Back to the cheating - she had been drinking that night, not to excuse her actions, but through her messages the next day it was evident that she didn't regret what she did.

 

She told me about the issue, in tears, but started to collect some things in a bag and was gone within a few minutes.

 

Anyway, I don't know what do do. She has to come and pick up her stuff at some point soon, and I don't know...to be honest, every part of me just wants to try and sort it out but surely she should be making that effort, not me. Everyone is telling me that women want to see you succeed, they want to see you stable and able to be without them, and the smartest thing I could do would be to just get on with things, take care of myself, and look as attractive as possible (if that's what I want, and it is)

 

It's weird, she's the last person I would ever have expected of doing something like this. During the last month she has started hanging out with some new friends, which perhaps have been somewhat of an influence, but god.....

 

I'm trying hard not to fall apart/be the crying spluttering mess that desperately tries to reason with her. Irregardless of whether or not we get back together, do the tactics I mentioned earlier sometimes make people realise they've made a mistake? Should I be (seemingly) strong and as though I'm coping well, thriving etc?

Edited June 25, 2010 by cleveraccountname

[Shakz]

You're young and sometimes young people lose sight of the big picture when their hearts are involved. I would ask myself, is this the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? Do I really want to be with someone who keeps secrets from me? It doesn't seems as though she really knows her own mind yet. I'm not sure any tactic you use will accomplish anything with regards to changing her, but the tactic of actually moving on, without pretense, will work wonders for you.

[Username37]

Same story man.

 

Ex-girlfriend began hanging out with her friends during our relationship. Few weeks later, she breaks up with me and begins hooking up and doing drugs. I didn't expect her to do that stuff. She's probably going to a phase or is just misguided by her friends

 

Do you want this girl back after everything? Can you handle that?

Try to move on. Or get to a point where you don't care if you get back with her or not.

[cleveraccountname]

Despite everything, I still love her. I wasn't a clingy or a careless boyfriend. We had some problems. But she suddenly got infatuated with the idea of partying and having fun etc etc... and I suppose she's never gotten a lot of attention from guys. She's attractive but not really confident enough to be approachable i guess. But now she's more social and out there, I guess more attention has been coming in. Someone told me yesterday that loyalty/resisting temptation etc mean nothing until the person is tested...often people don't cheat becasue they haven't had the option. But yeah, I do still want to be with her. It's sooooo messed up and stupid. I want her to be who she really is, and I know she's better than all this fleeting rubbish.

 

Problem is, a HUGE part of me wants to go and talk to her, just talk. I'm not even sure what I'd say, but everyone just says 'you'll never be attractive to her/she'll never realise what she's done etc if she doesn't actually lose you'. Is there any logic or reason to go and talk to her?

[jeremy_s]

we are in a very very similar break up me and you. (sorry if i dont type with correct caps or anything and grammer im just gonna ramble cause im too depressed to do all that)but anyways my girlfriend said that we weren't growing together and maturing together but mine wasn't talking to anyone else just mental issues right now and its too hard for her to have her issues and me at the same time. and she has been doing a roller coaster of "you know i want to be with you right?" then to later that night " we cant talk anymore" so believe me i am just confused at you. we are still young and every relationship should be looked at a very good learning process to find out how we are in a diiferent situation with our spouse because that will reflect in our life as well. im only 20 just to say my age upfront. knowing how we are help for future relationships and the possible get back together relationship but you always have to be thinking the worst can happen even though it is hard cause its hard for me you also have to do things with your day anything to keep your mind away cause there is only a little you can do to get her back if that is even an option. as hard as it sounds try to stay out of contact.(i say that to you but every time she calls me or texts me i am there on the drop of a dime, i dont know if i am doing the right thing cause i do want her to miss me in a sense and make her think what could he be doing?) but sorry about the scatter brain like i said its been 5 days for me if i even said that. but i wish i could give more help but im confused on my whole situation but thats ok just dont stress yourself out. like everyone says its not the end of the world and your perfect someone is there for you. i believe my ex is my perfect someone i wish there was a way for me to tell her but she can't handle it right now i tried talking to her about our relationship and where it stands (which isn't a good thing to do just yet which people tell me) but i was sad and i just came out but you have to hold it in talk to a close friend or girl thats a friend they can tell you how girls work the best. hope all goes well feel free to ask any time cause our situations are somewhat similar.

[cleveraccountname]

I think she justified her actions by telling herself that she was unhappy for a while, and needed something like that to happen in order to force herself out of the relationship. Thing is - now she's out every night getting slaughtered and taking drugs (she's never done anything except weed before) but now she's popping pills and seems like she's on this self-destructive path. That hurts a lot too, knowing that she's hurting herself, even though it's not my responsiblity to do anything about it. She's blocked and deleted me on facebook, presumably to reduce her own guilt, so the 'No contact' approach is definately in place, not that I had much influence in that. I'm trying my best not to contact her, except to tell her the time when she can come and get her things etc. Considering what she did, I'm sure contacting her in a caring way would only make me look pathetic and like i have no dignity.