Myowntwofeet Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 It has been a bit and would love to say I could be here for discussion today...but chances are I only have about an hour. Can we say blow up round 3! I obviously won't be able to share all.... but I think I can share enough to give you a pretty good picture. We had a affair, almost a year in length.... were found out last June..... went NC for about 6 weeks....starting talking again, told me he loved me again....yada yada.... offered to pay for a therapist ( I was already seeing one)..... decided to take him up on it after I went NC ( sent a note asking for the number, told him I would cover my own expenses.... was just looking for the referral) I was having serious regret/remorse for yet again being apart of lying to his wife ( I know.... but at least at some point..... the regret was there and it was very real). He went dark without another word... I explained in email that I was right on the verge of telling his wife about our round 2 and allowing her the same honesty we had in choosing her choice..... still dark (never believed I would tell her). New year came, tons of counseling through December.... concern of him being a narcissist... lying to me, his therapist, his wife...etc. Finally get the balls against everything I personally believe to email her and tell her - never heard another word... over or so I thought:rolleyes: I made the mistake of being me and sending him an email telling him I hope that someday he understands my choices, hope he is well, wish him and her well and enjoy the summer ( think I mentioned it here just recently). I get an email saying - " Unfortunately this is now a police matter.". In all seriousness.... I swear I have done nothing else but email his wife... seen him at lunch in March ( was hell) and that is it!!!!!! I LOST it. I was like what is a "police matter" and by all means if you have a file number/name... give it to me. 11:15 at night.... "knock knock"...it's our city police......:p I was in AWE... apparently he called them when I emailed his wife in January I imagine how that conversation went Her: Is this true? Did you and her continue.... did you just tell her you love her and want to keep a door open? Did you lied to my face while you were with her in the car? Him: Yes honey.... it's true.... Can we call the police? Her: Ok, good idea BAD IDEA The police told me they had no reason to contact me back in January and were only coming as per my text to him to explain that they would have paid a visit as a mediator only. STILL LIVID. He apparently shared the email I wrote to them with the female officer and apparently the VM I left him telling him I was going to tell his wife. They leave... I am PISSED - finally over the idiot and he throws me into the fire yet again. So, I said .... Ok..... let's go public..... you have no problem giving my information, your side of the story.... I am happy to do the same. Please keep in mind that both of us are professionals and his actions could come back and bite me in the ass - big time. If anyone is going to destruct... I will do it myself, thank you. I had agreed to the NC, so I wrote in my personal blog ( not one that anyone is aware of here)...... 4 days later "Ring Ring".... " Why do you hate me so much..... please talk to me". My response : " No contact, remember?" he then went on and said he wanted to kill himself, etc etc.... I finally agree to meet him and hear him out. No chance of rekindling anything... I had really closed the door in January - I don't think I even realized how far I was gone until I seen him. So now? He is dancing BIG TIME. He say's I sent another email that scared him??? I said ... I have them all ( there are 5 in total from late Dec - Jan) and I see nothing other than pain and anger.... no threats, no concern - other than perhaps my blinder coming off. He now says.... let's end this respectfully..... yeah ok.... like what I was trying to do? So I say.... exactly how are we going to do that.... How is W possibly ok with us doing the hard work of literal therapy ( anger, mistrust, etc)? How is it even remotely possible that she is ok with us meeting for hours other than her fear of simply not wanting it out there. He SAYS and I quote " She was not happy with the No Contact.... and you know me, I am not traditional...... ( she sure is though)...... I am married... but that doesn't mean I can't have a friend! Oh my lord..... as I said to him We are arguing about something..... can clearly see his anger... I say - you know what your marriage is a facade..... we both know whats important here... and her and I are not it. He screams.... you know whats important... " The kids".... " The Company"...and then " Me". Excellent answer. I clearly have no idea what I am going to do... but I am not a fan of facade's...... in any capacity.... This is NOT good for their girls... In fact - he just said to me.... I just experienced a problem with one of the girls regarding trust... No **** , really.... hence my idea that you both wait before telling them your marriage problems in full detail - arrrrr... of course they will have issue And now you both want to pretend life is a peach..... I am just a "friend".... and maybe next year I will get an invite to the summer bbq Do you know where he was for his anniversary this year? Sitting rehashing crap with me! The next two days.... dental appts.... Yeah, that is a recovered marriage if I ever saw one. I feel like I am involved with the Clintons ( I like Bill and Hilary btw)..... screw everything as long as the picture is perfect......and oh... if the OW gets a little tarnished to protect us..... no biggie:rolleyes:
Hazyhead Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 DO something about this! And I don't mean call him, or his wife, or the police, but get the hell away from this situation! There is not one healthy or positive element of it! By continuing communication you are allowing him to pull you down. Hell, you're almost jumping for him! Sweetie, cut the ties. Walk away before it gets any worse. He is very mixed up and it sounds like you are going to go that way too. This is a toxic situation and will do you NO good. I'm sorry to sound harsh but it really concerns me that you are still involved.
sadintexas Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hopefully you won't entertain contact with him (or any of them) again, but if you do and he threatens suicide again, CALL THE POLICE. They need to handle this, not you.
SidLyon Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 It has been a bit and would love to say I could be here for discussion today...but chances are I only have about an hour. Can we say blow up round 3! I obviously won't be able to share all.... but I think I can share enough to give you a pretty good picture. We had a affair, almost a year in length.... were found out last June..... went NC for about 6 weeks....starting talking again, told me he loved me again....yada yada.... offered to pay for a therapist ( I was already seeing one)..... decided to take him up on it after I went NC ( sent a note asking for the number, told him I would cover my own expenses.... was just looking for the referral) I was having serious regret/remorse for yet again being apart of lying to his wife ( I know.... but at least at some point..... the regret was there and it was very real). He went dark without another word... I explained in email that I was right on the verge of telling his wife about our round 2 and allowing her the same honesty we had in choosing her choice..... still dark (never believed I would tell her). New year came, tons of counseling through December.... concern of him being a narcissist... lying to me, his therapist, his wife...etc. Finally get the balls against everything I personally believe to email her and tell her - never heard another word... over or so I thought:rolleyes: I made the mistake of being me and sending him an email telling him I hope that someday he understands my choices, hope he is well, wish him and her well and enjoy the summer ( think I mentioned it here just recently). I get an email saying - " Unfortunately this is now a police matter.". In all seriousness.... I swear I have done nothing else but email his wife... seen him at lunch in March ( was hell) and that is it!!!!!! I LOST it. I was like what is a "police matter" and by all means if you have a file number/name... give it to me. 11:15 at night.... "knock knock"...it's our city police......:p I was in AWE... apparently he called them when I emailed his wife in January I imagine how that conversation went Her: Is this true? Did you and her continue.... did you just tell her you love her and want to keep a door open? Did you lied to my face while you were with her in the car? Him: Yes honey.... it's true.... Can we call the police? Her: Ok, good idea BAD IDEA The police told me they had no reason to contact me back in January and were only coming as per my text to him to explain that they would have paid a visit as a mediator only. STILL LIVID. He apparently shared the email I wrote to them with the female officer and apparently the VM I left him telling him I was going to tell his wife. They leave... I am PISSED - finally over the idiot and he throws me into the fire yet again. So, I said .... Ok..... let's go public..... you have no problem giving my information, your side of the story.... I am happy to do the same. Please keep in mind that both of us are professionals and his actions could come back and bite me in the ass - big time. If anyone is going to destruct... I will do it myself, thank you. I had agreed to the NC, so I wrote in my personal blog ( not one that anyone is aware of here)...... 4 days later "Ring Ring".... " Why do you hate me so much..... please talk to me". My response : " No contact, remember?" he then went on and said he wanted to kill himself, etc etc.... I finally agree to meet him and hear him out. No chance of rekindling anything... I had really closed the door in January - I don't think I even realized how far I was gone until I seen him. So now? He is dancing BIG TIME. He say's I sent another email that scared him??? I said ... I have them all ( there are 5 in total from late Dec - Jan) and I see nothing other than pain and anger.... no threats, no concern - other than perhaps my blinder coming off. He now says.... let's end this respectfully..... yeah ok.... like what I was trying to do? So I say.... exactly how are we going to do that.... How is W possibly ok with us doing the hard work of literal therapy ( anger, mistrust, etc)? How is it even remotely possible that she is ok with us meeting for hours other than her fear of simply not wanting it out there. He SAYS and I quote " She was not happy with the No Contact.... and you know me, I am not traditional...... ( she sure is though)...... I am married... but that doesn't mean I can't have a friend! Oh my lord..... as I said to him We are arguing about something..... can clearly see his anger... I say - you know what your marriage is a facade..... we both know whats important here... and her and I are not it. He screams.... you know whats important... " The kids".... " The Company"...and then " Me". Excellent answer. I clearly have no idea what I am going to do... but I am not a fan of facade's...... in any capacity.... This is NOT good for their girls... In fact - he just said to me.... I just experienced a problem with one of the girls regarding trust... No **** , really.... hence my idea that you both wait before telling them your marriage problems in full detail - arrrrr... of course they will have issue And now you both want to pretend life is a peach..... I am just a "friend".... and maybe next year I will get an invite to the summer bbq Do you know where he was for his anniversary this year? Sitting rehashing crap with me! The next two days.... dental appts.... Yeah, that is a recovered marriage if I ever saw one. I feel like I am involved with the Clintons ( I like Bill and Hilary btw)..... screw everything as long as the picture is perfect......and oh... if the OW gets a little tarnished to protect us..... no biggie:rolleyes: I remember "talking" with you before because I felt there was a similarity in our situations - albeit on opposite sides of the triangle. There is now no similarity. I understand you feel you need to know how their reconciliation is going and that in some ways you get validation from realizing that it doesn't seem to be going well at all. The problem is your continued need to keep up with this, combined with his willingness to involve you in it behind his wife's back is leading to serious trouble, mainly for you. You will be being portrayed to his wife, others and the police as a potential bunny boiler who may do something worse than just send e-mails. While you continue to send e-mails and have contact with him you will just be digging yourself deeper into a hole. He will argue that he is meeting with you at your insistence to try to keep you away from his wife and family. I bet there is no e-mail evidence of the things he's said to you. The e-mails probably reflect his perspective, that all the contact is at your instigation. I'm guessing from your words and actions, that you might want to do everything you can to hinder their reconciliation. Some might understand this but is it really worth having the police on your back and destroying your reputation in the community? If it is, go ahead with what you've been doing. Bear in mind though it looks as though they are going to self-destruct without any further input from you, so any sacrifice you make with your own reputation will probably be a waste. My advice is to keep away, this is what others are saying. Their reconciliation or lack of it is their problem not yours. There is just no need for you to be involved in the lives of this Clintonesque couple. It's probably going to end badly for them without help from you. Why do this to yourself?
Fieldsofgold Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Sadly, at least if you were involved with Bill, you could get a book deal out of it. It seems all you are gettig out of this is a TON of frustration, craziness, and anger, plus the possibility of damage to your professional image. Not to mention that it seems you have totally lost your personal peace. Please, please, please, go NC, and document details of events for legal protection. But mostly, get away from these crazy people. Take care of yourself first!
jthorne Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Please seek another therapist, because obviously, this one is doing nothing for you. You really should get over yourself. You were the one that broke NC. You were the one that got upset when you didn't get the response out of xMM that you wanted. Yet, you blame everything on them. Seriously, get some help.
alexandria35 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 He now says.... let's end this respectfully..... yeah ok.... like what I was trying to do? So I say.... exactly how are we going to do that.... How is W possibly ok with us doing the hard work of literal therapy ( anger, mistrust, etc)? What does this mean? and how were you trying to end it respectfully? He was in complete no contact with you, but you tried several times to contact him and when he didn't give you a response you emailed his wife. Then you emailed him again after that. Doesn't sound like you were respecting his wish for no contact. I clearly have no idea what I am going to do... but I am not a fan of facade's...... in any capacity.... Are you talking about his marriage here...is that the facade that you are not a fan of? How is it any business of yours if their marriage is a facade? I'm sure there are thousands of people in marriages that could be deemed a facade by an outsider. Are you going to expose all of those marriages for being a sham too? These people weren't bothering you. No contact was in place and there was no need for all of this drama which you instigated. Now your ex is threatening suicide and saying he wants to stay friends with you. I don't think he does want to be your friend. Your last threat to him was that you were going to go public and he is trying to prevent you from doing that. He is not going to end his marriage and by the looks of things his wife isn't going to end it either. Time to move on and leave them to have whatever kind of marriage they want to have.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Move on let go and forget him, his wife and their marriage. Change your email address too and delete your old account. Change your cell and home number. No more drama!!!! How is W possibly ok with us doing the hard work of literal therapy ( anger, mistrust, etc)? What does this mean? That you and him go to counselling together to help you two get over eachother???? I'm confused.
Author Myowntwofeet Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 Wow Do people ever read what they want to. I am way too tired to quote all those questionable.... but I can clear up a few things. Emails were mutual, and would be easily proven on both sides..... I initiated contacted at about the 6 week mark after our initial Dday.... He then initiated again ( both responsible). Regardless..... the police move was moronic as they did look at me a little odd when I said I had emails as well and even odder when I never received a "no contact" letter... which is the absolute truth. The facade comment came from him suggesting his W is perfectly ok with us "working this out, and no longer having NC". His words, not mine..... and while I threatened after the police visit of going "public"... the blog is something that is set to private and you would have to have a password to read it.... I was not a happy woman that he called the police and truly seen it as a strangle hold tactic..... And to answer that last question.... yes, he actually emailed me his councilor's number with "no strings attached".... I also said thanks but no thanks. I agree... there recovery is not my business... but I also think someone calling and saying what he did and then sitting and hashing it out and wanting to find a way forward.... willing to work on the anger..... that at least I should consider asking how exactly he see's that playing out to anyone's benifit. I am incredibly tired... and there are many holes.... to be honest, the original post was a massive rant..... and did not have all the details. I have come along way in moving on... hence the last email (btw... no one said there were 5 emails in a month......I said 5 in total and that would span 6 months.....irrelevant but a significant difference) I use to be on here all time.... then left as I found it keep me in it..... recently come back with a very different view on many things..... and perhaps venting ( did think I was on the OW forum) was a bad idea as it is too difficult for anyone to know/judge or really assist when you can't have the full story and I can't possibly share it.
pureinheart Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 (((((((((MOTF))))))))))) Hey you got my thoughts and prayers...All I can say is that it is all very, very hard....
Recommended Posts