Chloe00 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I need help/advice. My ex and I were broken up for almost three months. For the past three weeks, he's been on the verge of stalking me. Phoning, texting, stopping by and appearing places where I am. I had not replied or responded. That is, until my moment of weakness last Friday. I finally sent him a text and just asked what it was that he wanted from me. We ended up meeting up this past Saturday. We were together from 8am til 10pm. We talked at the beach. He was crying and apologizing for taking me for granted and how he was all finished with gambling. He wined and dined me. He said I was prettiest woman he's ever met and how in love he was with me. He claimes he wants to get married and he wants to move in with me and how he'd give me his paychecks to control the finances. For crying outloud, he even said he missed my cat! He calls me first thing Sunday morning and wants to hang out but I already had plans. So we meet up in the late afternoon and he takes me out to dinner yet again. He picks me flowers and said that he knows that I'm good for him. He calls me first thing Monday morning and asks if he can pick me up and get a cup of coffee before work. I said okay. He tells me he wants to see me every day and doesn't want to be apart from me. I told him I couldn't see him Monday night or Tuesday night because I had plans (which I did). I told him that I'm very hurt and it's going to take a while and we'd have to take things slow. Well, when I talk to him Monday afternoon...he tells me that I'm right, we should take things slow and then he starts telling me all these plans that HE has. He said we could get together either Wednesday or Thursday and Friday night, we'd go to our favorite lobster place. So the last time I spoke with him was after I called him Tuesday afternoon. That's it. It's now FRIDAY afternoon and I haven't gotten a phone call or anything. He hasn't made any plans to see me. Nothing. My questions is...how can you go from being so gung ho and missed me and loved me over the weekend to nothing. Gone. Again? I feel like I did in the beginning of our break up. I can't stop crying. Please help me understand this.
Ilovecake Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) So I take it he has a pretty heavy gambling problem. Here is what this sounds like to me. The gambling is starting to cause serious problems for him. He is desperate to be saved because he's in trouble but he doesn't want to fully commit to you because he doesn't really want to stop gambling nor does he really want to be in a relationship with you for the right reasons. He's looking for a savior, he knows you'll try and keep him in line. What will happen down the line if you get into a relationship with him is that his need to gamble will overpower him and he’ll start disappearing. Because you will be the one thing standing between you and what he enjoys he will start feeling resentment towards you. This smells of total desperation on his part. He needs to get serious professional help for his addiction. The second scenario is that he just wanted to get laid and now feels guilty so he's not calling. Either way you'll hear from him when he needs something. Edited June 25, 2010 by Ilovecake
Author Chloe00 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I didn't sleep with him. No fooling around whatsoever. How could I help him with his gambling addiction? I would never ever lend him money or anything.
Ilovecake Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Sorry I wasn't accusing you of anything just going by what you typed. The biggest thing that stuck out like a sore thumb in your post was that he said "I know you are good for me". What that means is I don’t really want to be with you but I know you will be a good influence on me. You know like brussel sprouts, most people don’t like them but eat them because they’re good for you. This is a very strong indicator that to him you're not the ideal, but he knows that you could be a good influence. I didn't mean help him gamble I was saying I think he thinks you could keep him in line and help him not gamble. You know how he said he'll give you his paychecks and so forth. Whatever it is he wants you to save him, to take care of him. The question is do you want to be in the role of rescuer or not.
Author Chloe00 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 well, perhaps I was in the rescuer role. but couldn't anyone be in that role? and it doesn't explain the disappearance...and who, in their right mind, would spend all day with someone and shell out tons of money if you didn't like them? The whole thing is so confusing.
Ilovecake Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 well, perhaps I was in the rescuer role. but couldn't anyone be in that role? Yes of course anyone can end up in that role but it usually doesn't make for a healthy relationship. People really do need to be as equal as possible. With your ex you're taking on a project not building a lasting partnership. He's broken and he's putting you in a position that you have zero control over. It's pretty unlikely that you could actually fix his gambling problem, that's something he needs to take care of on his own. When you get into a relationship you should be with someone who you like for who they are not for who they might have the potential to become because then you're not living in reality you're living a fantasy. You should worry about yourself and live your life to the fullest, then your partner will respect you. I know a lot of people, especially women, think that the more they give the more love they will receive but it's actually the opposite. That much devotion can be suffocating and will quickly make your lover lose respect for you. I can't tell you what he's thinking and why he disappeared but most likely it's because he knows that being with you isn't the best thing for either one of you. He probably panicked or changed his mind.
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