Meg4131 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 My current boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. He's 28 and I'm 25. I assumed things were getting serious- we'd met each others families, gone on vacations together, and our parents have met and get along well. This past week, after attending a wedding together, a few people asked if we'd be the next couple to get married. My boyfriend quickly said, "No! No! No!" very strongly. This made me uncomfortable as I do see a future with him. I want to make it clear that I don't feel ready to get engaged, let alone married after only 8 months, but I do feel that it's time to start discussing the future of our relationship. We sat down and disussed this and he said that he couldn't see himself marrying anyone else, RIGHT NOW. Alarm bells immediately went off, because this sounds to me like one day, he'll just wake up and change his mind about us. When I pointed this out, he said that "Things happen." He also said he wouldn't be sure that I was the one until he saw me walking down the aisle! What?!?! How can you not be sure of this? He also said that there needs to be a "escape clause" because you never know what's going to happen. When I asked what he thought could happen to end the relationship, he could come up with nothing, so I asked, "why does there need to be an escape clause then? To which, he couldn't answer. I'm completely confused right now and after this conversation really doubting the future of our relationship and his feelings for me. I would appreciate any advice on this situation! Thanks in advance!
guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I want to make it clear that I don't feel ready to get engaged, let alone married after only 8 months, but I do feel that it's time to start discussing the future of our relationship. You do realize this is a big contradiction, don't you? The answer to your question is in this paragraph. The kind of question you ask can only cause problems at this early point in your relationship. If he answers "yes I'd consider it" then you'd think it was too easy and you'd also view it as a commitment. If he answers "no" then you'd think he's not into you. So why ask?
MyNameIsJane Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The kind of question you ask can only cause problems at this early point in your relationship. If he answers "yes I'd consider it" then you'd think it was too easy and you'd also view it as a commitment. If he answers "no" then you'd think he's not into you. So why ask? I kind of agree with this. I guess the main thing you need to clarify with yourself is - what kind of discussion do you expect to be having about the future at the point? At 8 months, I believe (though some may differ, who knows) it is safe to say you are in a serious relationship... and he wouldn't stick around unless he thought it was worth investing that sort of time with you... I think to many people - saying you want to get married to each other in the future, is kind of LIKE proposing. Maybe he is just not there mentally and doesn't want to get into that kind of conversation. That doesn't mean he doesn't see a future with you - it just may mean, he doesn't want to say something and then have you take it as a plan of action or a commitment to get engaged. It just sounds like he isn't ready - and that he sooo isn't ready, that he doesn't want to mentally go there. I think that is okay though. see where you are at at the one year mark and then maybe re-approach it
pandagirl Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I think his reaction was probably due to him being nervous about being asked that question? It is being put on the spot! If I were asked that question with my boyfriend next to me (we've been dating about 7 months), I'd get really tongue-tied. It's not that I don't want or see a future with him, but I don't know if we are going to get married. If I were in your position, I would be hurt by his words, too, but I also get where he is coming from. You don't want to guarantee anything too soon.
Morals Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Too many people think that 8 months is a long term commitment. They think that they should be engaged by 1.5 years and married by 2.5-3 years. You can't put deadlines on relationships, that's only going to further cause issues mentally and emotionally down the road. Get to learn the person, enjoy the time you spend. If it gets to the point where you feel like you would want to spend your life with this person, make sure your feelings aren't biased and then casually say something like "I'm really lucky to have found a guy like you" or something nonchalant that can get the point across. Usually if a guy is into you as much as you are into him at that point he'll at least be open to discussing your future together.
ADF Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree that planning a wedding after just 8 months together would be foolish. However, his overblown negative reaction to the mere MENTION of a future with you is troubling. What I think you may have on your hands is a man who doesn't want to commit. Frankly, that's not unusual. I think a lot of men who marry only do it because they feel like they have to--i.e. because they know the women they love will leave them if they don't. Plenty of men would be prefectly happy just sort of "hanging out" with a woman for years on end, never making any commitments and keeping their options forever open. See what he says after a year, maybe a year an a half. If he still recoils form the idea of a LTR, you and he may not be on the same page.
guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 However, his overblown negative reaction to the mere MENTION of a future with you is troubling. I agree it's not a great reaction but what was he supposed to answer? "Oh yeah we're working on it?" "Perhaps but we're not sure yet?" That's why people shouldn't ask about marriage and kids. It's just not their business and you never know the underlying story. Just forget about this whole episode. The guy who asked was a retard, which caused your BF to react in a less than ideal way.
Phateless Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree it's not a great reaction but what was he supposed to answer? "Oh yeah we're working on it?" "Perhaps but we're not sure yet?" That's why people shouldn't ask about marriage and kids. It's just not their business and you never know the underlying story. Just forget about this whole episode. The guy who asked was a retard, which caused your BF to react in a less than ideal way. Agree with this. In the future, just reply "Who knows? But wow, you're blunt!" and call this guy out for being a socially-uncalibrated dumbass.
Author Meg4131 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I think the reason I'm upset about this is because my boyfriend always has such a STRONG negative reaction to the question when it's asked. When I've been present the question has been asked at least 5 or 6 times and each time, my boyfriend has had a very strong negative reaction. Even going so far as to hold up his hand and point at his ring finger, and say "See! It's still bare!" If he would have just calmly said, "Not right now. We're happy just as we are." That would have been just fine. I just wanted to discuss the POSSIBILITY of a future with him- i.e. Could you see us together? And I'm not reassured by his answers. Should I be concerned?
JohnnyDrama Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree it's not a great reaction but what was he supposed to answer? "Oh yeah we're working on it?" "Perhaps but we're not sure yet?" That's why people shouldn't ask about marriage and kids. It's just not their business and you never know the underlying story. Just forget about this whole episode. The guy who asked was a retard, which caused your BF to react in a less than ideal way. Agreed it's not a good position for him to be put it in.
guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I think the reason I'm upset about this is because my boyfriend always has such a STRONG negative reaction to the question when it's asked. When I've been present the question has been asked at least 5 or 6 times and each time, my boyfriend has had a very strong negative reaction. There's nothing more unpleasant and embarrassing than being asked about marriage by your family in front of your girlfriend. His family members could've used more tact. If your BF is otherwise nice and considerate to you, then please excuse that episode and move on. Or you can choose to keep rumbling about it. Easy to see which is the better option. I just wanted to discuss the POSSIBILITY of a future with him- i.e. Could you see us together? And I'm not reassured by his answers. Should I be concerned? Sorry but you're going circles trying to get him to answer a question that's a non question. There's a future or there isn't. Discussing the possibility of it is just you insisting on having a discussion that should come up naturally. Besides, eight months is nothing. I'd be seriously annoyed if my GF bugged me about the future and making a big deal out of eight months.
Phateless Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I think the reason I'm upset about this is because my boyfriend always has such a STRONG negative reaction to the question when it's asked. When I've been present the question has been asked at least 5 or 6 times and each time, my boyfriend has had a very strong negative reaction. Even going so far as to hold up his hand and point at his ring finger, and say "See! It's still bare!" If he would have just calmly said, "Not right now. We're happy just as we are." That would have been just fine. I just wanted to discuss the POSSIBILITY of a future with him- i.e. Could you see us together? And I'm not reassured by his answers. Should I be concerned? Not necessarily, you don't know the background on this situation. How is he otherwise? Is he calm and reasonable or does he get heated when he's upset? This might be a sore spot for him for some reason. Do you know what his relationship history is and whether he's ever been engage or anything like that?
Author Meg4131 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 He's always been calm and very laid back, that's why I'm so surprised to get such a strong reaction from him. This has been his longest relationship (8 months) which has me wondering. Given, I could just be upset and overanalyzing the situation, but such a strong reaction considering his personality is surprising.
MyNameIsJane Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 That's why people shouldn't ask about marriage and kids. It's just not their business and you never know the underlying story. I NEVER understand why people ask... Are they trying to stir things up or do they truly not realize how awkward of a question that is? When people ask me when I am getting married - I don't mind that much because I can answer/brush it off/whatever.... but when you are standing there with you bf and someone asks you that... thats when I am irritated.
Phateless Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I NEVER understand why people ask... Are they trying to stir things up or do they truly not realize how awkward of a question that is? When people ask me when I am getting married - I don't mind that much because I can answer/brush it off/whatever.... but when you are standing there with you bf and someone asks you that... thats when I am irritated. When people ask me that in front of my gf I put THEM on the spot and make them feel stupid by saying "Wow, that's a really awkward question to ask, thanks!"
Phateless Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 He's always been calm and very laid back, that's why I'm so surprised to get such a strong reaction from him. This has been his longest relationship (8 months) which has me wondering. Given, I could just be upset and overanalyzing the situation, but such a strong reaction considering his personality is surprising. Well there you go, that makes sense. If this is his longest relationship this is completely unknown territory to him. I'm guessing the question just freaked him out. 8 months i pretty early to discuss this. I would let it go and if you feel the need to talk to him about it, you could say "So about that dumb guy the other day - I noticed it really bugged you. Tell me about that." Make sure he knows you're not thinking long-term yet and you're enjoying what you have with him NOW and are curious to see where it goes.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I'm not really sure why anyone would suggest you wait 1.5 years into a relationship to even bring up a future. Why waste that much time and make it that much harder to get out because you have that much more invested? I personally expect the kind of relationship where everything can be discussed openly. There are no taboo conversations and "too early" isn't in my vocabulary. I'm not going to wait 1.5 years to ask if a guy ever wants to get married or have kids. What if he didn't and I wasted all that time?!? What sticks out to me is his extreme negative reaction. What's that all about? Instead of asking him where the relationship is going, try asking him why he reacts so negatively. Ask him what his "perfect" life looks like and see if it includes marriage and kids if that's what you want. Ask him where he sees himself in five years and 10 years.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I think the reason I'm upset about this is because my boyfriend always has such a STRONG negative reaction to the question when it's asked. When I've been present the question has been asked at least 5 or 6 times and each time, my boyfriend has had a very strong negative reaction. Even going so far as to hold up his hand and point at his ring finger, and say "See! It's still bare!" If he would have just calmly said, "Not right now. We're happy just as we are." That would have been just fine. I just wanted to discuss the POSSIBILITY of a future with him- i.e. Could you see us together? And I'm not reassured by his answers. Should I be concerned? Yeah, this doesn't sound too good. He sounds pretty anti-marriage, or anti-marriage with you. Eight months in is not too soon to start hinting about the future, sticking together. It doesn't mean you're planning a wedding and picking out baby names, but if you want marriage and a family eventually, you need to know if he wants that at all, or if he sees things going in that direction with you. If he doesn't, you could be wasting your time with him.
carhill Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 OP, how would you have felt if your boyfriend had responded with my classic line for anyone who's prying a bit too much into my private life.... 'I don't kiss and tell' with a little wink ?? IMO, sure, the folks were a bit 'nosy' for asking such questions but, hey it's a *wedding* and everyone wants everyone to be happy and hitched. A couple of my friends met their future wives at weddings. It's just that kind of place. BF of eight months....hmm... tell me, how does he feel about marriage in general (not you and he getting married)? Regardless, his sense of decorum needs a ton of work. That's embarrassing. I can't ever imagine responding in such a way that could potentially embarrass my girlfriend/SO. Hope he figures it out. If the relationship is otherwise satisfying, clearly communicate how you feel about marriage in general and, if incompatible in this regard, next. You're at that age where these things become important. Own that. If the man's not on the same page *in general*, he's not the man for you. If you're not satisfied with the relationship in general, end it. No long talks. Good luck
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Honestly, and I know this will sound terrible - but once you say something like this it cannot be unsaid and it often will be the deathblow. Everything that follows is the decline. If you want a chance at this relationship continuing you must under no circumstances bring this up again, not overtly, not passively, not at all. He has made it clear that as of right now, he can't talk 'future' with you because he does not see one with you. Will he? Only time and your patience will tell.
craw Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 adding my two cents in.. enjoy the time you have with him! we're too young to be getting married! who knows what the future holds. Yes, it hurts and it could technically be "time wasted" if you two were to break up. At least, it wouldn't be a divorce, which far more painfully and there's a paper trail abt u two.
aerogurl87 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Ok I gotta agree with Crazy Magnet, eight months is not too soon to ask where someone sees their future heading relationship wise. I asked my boyfriend if he saw himself getting married in the next 5-7 years in our first month of dating. Who waits 1.5 years to find out if your partner wants the same things in life as yourself? Only a fool, because time is precious and too precious to waste on someone who isn't and probably never will want the same things in life as yourself.
Recommended Posts