Please help. He said he wanted to marry me & when we got found out, he wouldn't leave

February 2, 2004

Please help me. My heart is broken like it's never been before. About 6 months ago, I became involved with my married therapist. He tried to discourage it at first but after a while we could not fight our feelings any longer. We fell madly in love with one another and he promised to spend the rest of his life with me.

He even went so far as to leave his wife and rent an apartment. About 2 weeks ago, his grown children spotted us kissing outside of the apartment and gave him an ultimatum - go back to mom or we will never be a part of your life. He chose to go back to the wife. We still see each other and are still very much in love although he has announced that he does not think that he can walk away from his life as he knows it.

He and his wife have severe sexual problems (she was abused by her father as a teenager) and she is not able to respond to him sexually. Neither one of us have ever experienced that type of deep connection with another person before and that is why I am so baffled as to how he could leave that.

He is 57 and I am 35 and have 2 small children and am in a loveless marriage that I need to get out of. Despite the age difference and difficulties we had to overcome, I was willing to give up everything for this man and he walked away. I am reeling in the pain and do not how to function. I have found a new therapist and she has urged me to cut off all communication with this man. I know that is probably the right thing to do, but I still love him and the pain keeps me coming back, hoping he will realize what a mistake he has made. He is in Mexico now for a week with his wife - it's ironic. I spent a half hour lying on my laundry room floor crying my eyes out and I think of how he is now laying on the beach trying to suck up to his wife and win her back. I am such a mess that I feel like I am not emotionally there for my children the way I should be. I don't know what to do. Help.

February 2, 2004

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. I'm sure many others with more directly relevant experiences will chime in about the problems of being with a married man, but I'll just point out the ENORMOUS problem I see inherent in this situation:

He is your therapist. To have started a relationship with you is utterly inappropriate. There are no rationalizations that justify it, it flies in the face of all professional ethics. The fact that he was willing and able to cross that line ought to serve as a big warning sign to you. This guy is not a straight shooter, and if you continue to be entangled with him, you can expect all kinds of surprise twists, unhappy developments and general instability.

I strongly advise you to cease all communication with him, and get yourself a new therapist, one who can help you deal with this new problem as well as whatever sent you into therapy in the first place. Don't kid yourself, no matter how sympathetic you are to him, or he to you, your current lover/therapist is a malignant presence in your life.

February 2, 2004

What you are suffering from is the backlash of adultry. There are NO HAPPY ENDINGS! Love is a word which gets thrown around in the heat of lust. Generally, women take it more literally than men. That's why men can walk away from affairs and leave you crying your heart out in his dust.

To add to it....YOUR married. He will have no reason to feel sorry for you or feel that he owes you a thing. In his mind, you both played a game and his playtime is over.....at least till he patches stuff up with his wife. After that, he may get horny again and come back to you.

Accepting that thought will be the hardest thing you may ever have to do. If he (and you) would have gotten divorced...then resumed your relationship.....his kids wouldn't have been as angry with him. As it is though, your feelings aren't the ones which anyone will care about. You are the bad guy who caused all 'his' problems. It happens everytime.

Take your therapists advice.....refuse to see him when he gets back. I can only imagine how hard it will be for you to do that.....but if you don't....you'll keep going thru the way you feel right now....over and over. Personally, I'd get a divorce (since you don't love your husband) and I would move away. It sounds drastic....but this is YOUR life and you've got to protect it by finding real love and peace.

Good Luck dkopp........and remember....this too shall pass. Keep your chin up and focus on making the changes you need to make in your own life. It won't be easy.....but you can do it. Many of us have.

February 2, 2004

I don't know what to do. Help.

Do what your current therapist is telling you. Cease all contact. You lost, accept it, learn from it, and move on. You said you have children -- then focus on them.

February 2, 2004

Since others have very astutely addressed the red flag of the fact that this guy crossed a major line in that he's your therapist, I'll not address that again.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through and I know all too well how it feels . Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately - although sure it doesn't seem that way now) I think the other people who have replied to you are right. This relationship is doomed and will only bring you pain. If you can get out now, it will be SO HARD but you will be saving yourself an endless future of pain. It just gets harder and harder - the longer you stay, the more time you invest, the more promises you hear -- it gets harder until it becomes nearly impossible to get out.

I remember also something a kind person posted on my thread along the following theory - you have to ask yourself, if things are so bad in his marriage, why is he willing to stay in it? Is this who you want or deserve to be with? Of course not.

A hard truth I have had to swallow is that MM, like everybody else, have choices. This man is choosing his family over you, just like my MM did. Regardless of what issues may exist in his marriage, and regardless of how he feels about you, regardless of anything he promised you otherwise -- he has decided he wants to stay in his marriage.

I am a living testament to the fact that just because a MM says he loves you and just because he leaves his wife doesn't mean he isn't going back. My MM left his wife, we lived together for almost 3 years, then he went back to his family. Years later, he came into my life again, made the same promises, and this time again, isn't delivering on any of them, nor do I believe he ever will.

I struggle everyday to find the strength to get out and stay out - and I am ashamed to say I am still not out. If you can get out now, please do so, for yourself and for the other people involved.

I have also learned alot from other posters on this topic - wonderful women, and men, who have been betrayed as spouses, and I regret the pain my relationship with a MM has caused to an undeserving person.

I have no right to give you advice because I am still in contact with my MM, still haven't made a final break in my heart - but my heart goes out to you - and to his wife - and I hope you can find the strength to disengage and move on in your life without this guy.

Continue with your therapist and address your own marriage - and put this man in your past.

February 2, 2004

Listen to 'the Kkat'.....she knows what she's talking about!!!!

I didn't even pick up on the part that he was your previous therapist! GEEZ....no wonder you feel so vulnerable!

Maybe you should 'sue' him.....and use that money to get out of your own marriage mess. You could then afford to take your OWN self a nice little trip to Mexico......LOL!

February 2, 2004

Barbie, are you thinking what I'm thinking....?

A nut-sack bungee jump/pinata party on the beach with double margaritas all round?

Dkopp, I won't encourage you to see yourself as a victim. But suing is definitely an option. It is real easy for a therapist or doctor or priest to get into someone's pants, because they see people at their most vulnerable, with all their bodies and minds laid bare. That's why there are professional ethics in the first place. But what am I saying? He's not just in your pants, where you could slap him away, he's in your head and your heart, and now you need open-heart surgery to get this growth removed...

I know that what you have experienced is incredibly powerful. You were dying of thirst for love and affection, and this guy got you when your guards were down and gave you a BIG drink. He's a needy guy too, but I say, Therapist, heal thyself.

His grown kids are actually your best friends, even thought it doesn't feel that way right now. There would never be a future for you with this guy. Fix it up with your real man, or move on.

Good luck, I know you will find the strength. You will find a little more courage and determination every day.

Good luck, and please post again for whatever you need.

February 2, 2004

Originally posted by SoleMate
Barbie, are you thinking what I'm thinking....?
A nut-sack bungee jump/pinata party on the beach with double margaritas all round?

I don't want to thread jack....but OH YEAH!

February 2, 2004

Originally posted by midori
I'll just point out the ENORMOUS problem I see inherent in this situation:

He is your therapist. To have started a relationship with you is utterly inappropriate. There are no rationalizations that justify it, it flies in the face of all professional ethics.

Thank you for your kind words. You are absolutely right, he did cross the line. But the part that really bothers me is that I have no way of knowing if the intense love we shared and plans for the future was real or just a manipulation on his part. It sure felt real and still does. The fact that he was my therapist is becoming to be more of a relevant fact the more that time goes by. He knew my vulnerabilities and things that I desparately needed to hear from a man. I pray that the love he felt (and claims to still feel) for me was real and I was not just being used. I don't know why it is important to me to know that, but it just is.

Originally posted by midori

I strongly advise you to cease all communication with him, and get yourself a new therapist, one who can help you deal with this new problem as well as whatever sent you into therapy in the first place. Don't kid yourself, no matter how sympathetic you are to him, or he to you, your current lover/therapist is a malignant presence in your life.

I know you are probably right, I just feel so weak and helpless right now. It is the combination of the rejection, the betrayal and the fact that in spite of all of this I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! I feel like I will never get over him. The pain is so severe that it has catipulted me into a severe depression. I think he has become an addiction to me, and like any other addiction, the only way to stop is to STOP. I hope I have the strength to carry through but I don't know.

February 2, 2004

I think you should seriously consider a lawsuit against this man. As a first step, you can meet, confidentially, with an attorney in your area, lay out the facts (less some of the emotions) and see what type of malpractice case you have. You can be confident that you'd be offered a quick settlement to avoid him losing his license and then some. He has an awful, awful lot to lose from you exposing him to the relevant boards, authorities, his wife, etc.

I am so enraged by this man's behavior. He has committed an awful, unthinkable violation against you.

February 2, 2004

dkopp....Read and reread what everyone has said so far. And keep in mind that this guy might bounce back from Mexico looking for you again, beware...I would be very surprised if he didn't try to contact you again with some new brand of bullsh*t.

Please make sure he stays kicked to the curb.

Good Luck.

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