guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I've known this colleague for a while. Every time she's in town (maybe twice a year), we go out for drinks after work and it usually ends up being a dinner. Conversation is good but I'm not attracted to her. This colleague is coming back in a couple of weeks and suggested we go to Cirque du Soleil. If I accept, will it seem like I've accepted a date invitation? I mean, I have no issues going to Cirque du Soleil (I love the idea actually) but I wouldn't want her to think I'm attracted to her. What's your advice in this situation?
Author guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Be Blunt. Be Honest. I'm with you on that but I won't tell her I'm not attracted to her unless she asks for something... And here I'm not sure whether I'm reading into this too much or if I should just go without making a big fuss about it.
O'Malley Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) Has she ever flirted with you, or intimated that she wants more? If she has no trouble asking you out to dinner, I'd be surprised that she isn't more forthright about any interest in you. If you enjoy her company as a friend, go -- but make sure to pay your own way (even if she offers to treat). Change the topic if she flirts. If she directly asks about your feelings, simply say you value the friendship you have and you don't want to ruin it. Or that you enjoy your friendship, but don't feel compatible enough with her to pursue anything romantically. Edited June 25, 2010 by O'Malley
Author guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Has she ever flirted with you, or intimated that she wants more? If you enjoy her company as a friend, go -- but make sure to pay your own way (even if she offers to treat). Change the topic if she flirts. If she directly asks about your feelings, simply say you value the friendship you have and you don't want to ruin it. Obvious flirting? No. Touching my hand or sitting too close while we were drunk, yes. We're both on company expenses so paying is not the issue. I just didn't want to "turn the heat up" by going to the circus.
O'Malley Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Obvious flirting? No. Touching my hand or sitting too close while we were drunk, yes. We're both on company expenses so paying is not the issue. I just didn't want to "turn the heat up" by going to the circus. Perhaps suggest another venue? Just move away from her touches until she actually hits on you. If you don't feel comfortable going out with her at all, just politely refuse the invite. It's a difficult situation to be in, when you enjoy a friend's company but don't want to lead them on or hurt their feelings...
Author guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Perhaps suggest another venue? Just move away from her touches until she actually hits on you. If you don't feel comfortable going out with her at all' date=' just politely refuse the invite. It's a difficult situation to be in, when you enjoy a friend's company but don't want to lead them on or hurt their feelings...[/quote'] So in your opinion, the circus is a "step up" from dinner?
alyssatranswarrior Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 No way, dinner is a step UP from circus because there you two wont really talk much and enjoy the show. There is no code in the venue she chose to suggest she wants sex afterwards...who goes to the circus to get laid after? lol I'm guessing she wants YOU to flirt back before or after and initiate any intimacy if she has had multiple times and not gone for it, she is a submissive type who really just wanted to give you signs with the touching and closeness thing. My point is, if you dont flirt back in any way, she will just get it and stick to being friends without any drama coming up about a scenario.
Author guy.lepage Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 No way, dinner is a step UP from circus because there you two wont really talk much and enjoy the show. There is no code in the venue she chose to suggest she wants sex afterwards...who goes to the circus to get laid after? lol I'm guessing she wants YOU to flirt back before or after and initiate any intimacy if she has had multiple times and not gone for it, she is a submissive type who really just wanted to give you signs with the touching and closeness thing. My point is, if you dont flirt back in any way, she will just get it and stick to being friends without any drama coming up about a scenario. Funny how our perceptions can differ. I've had dinner with just about everyone at work. But it would always be casual and relatively low cost. And we'd always end up talking about work, if anything for at least a few minutes during the meal. I would not have felt comfortable asking one of them out to a show or circus of some sort. To me, dinner is an opportunity to discuss business in a more relaxed context. The circus is just having a good time with a colleague, which goes further away from the business purpose of our relationship.
O'Malley Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I've had dinner with just about everyone at work. But it would always be casual and relatively low cost. And we'd always end up talking about work, if anything for at least a few minutes during the meal. I would not have felt comfortable asking one of them out to a show or circus of some sort. To me, dinner is an opportunity to discuss business in a more relaxed context. The circus is just having a good time with a colleague, which goes further away from the business purpose of our relationship. Of course, the context of the invite matters -- I'm assuming she's not asking other co-workers out to these places. And as Alyssa stated, there's less opportunity for discussion at the show rather than dinner. But if you simply don't feel comfortable with this particular invite, turn her down or suggest a more casual venue. She's apparently doing nothing more than hinting on your outings, and hoping you'll take the initiative. Keep behaving towards her like you would any other co-worker and hopefully she'll get the message. You can be honest ("I enjoy our working relationship and friendship, but I'm not interested in going on a date") but depending on your business contacts with her you might not feel comfortable with going that route unless she directly hits on you.
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