2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Ok, so my husband and I have been separated for almost a month now. We are seeing a counselor together. We go together and we go seperate. We've been 3 times so far. My husband doesn't communicate anything. He keeps everything inside. I found out that for the past 9 years my being messy bothers him. I was upset because never did he tell me this and he's been letting it bother him for so long. He's at our house a lot of the time even though we are separated. He hasn't shown me any affection in months. However, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. In our last session I mentioned him not showing me affection and he said that he just doesn't feel the same as when we first got toegther. (Well, who the heck does!) We've been together for 9 years, married for 6 and we have a 4 yr old son. My issue is that he can't show me affection but we can have sex?? To me sex and affection are 2 totally different things. I'm sure that he doesn't see it that way. I feel like maybe I should refrain from having sex w him. Any suggestions? I'm sure that there is a lot of info that I am leaving out. If you have any questions, please ask, I am very open about it all.
wrencn Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 NO SEX!!!!! up until a few weeks ago I was still sleeping with my husband thinking that it meant there was hope. Well he later told me that he was just using me for a 'hole'- ouch! Don't allow him access to your body until he is willing to give you his heart as well. You husband sounds like mine. Doesn't communicate his feelings at all- until he's ready to choke the life out of me lol. So many things came out recently that I never knew. It's quite scary. But at least yours is willing to go to counseling, that is a great start NO SEX!!!!!
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks! I needed to hear that. He says that he still loves me. He swears that it's not something that bothers him but I weigh 225 lbs. and I am 5'3". I keep thinking that's why he doesn't feel the same about me. He dated a girl before me that was big, she got bigger while they were together as well. He said that her weight bothered him. He says that I am different. I really want to lose weight, not for him but for me. I don't feel good about myself. If he gained as much weight as I have I think that I would probably be less attracted to him too.
What_Next Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Given your story I would say no. I am on the opposite side of the fence. My wife is completely cold and distant. She has shown little affection. She wouldn't accept it right now even if I tried, which I won't. It just complicates matters and right now you need to be clear that his behavior is NOT acceptable. wrencn, what your husband did and said was inhumane. That is just so very wrong. I would suggest you calmly talk to your husband about this (both of you).
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I agree that was a horrible thing to say and it sounds like he was just saying that to make you mad. I am trying to be a better person for the most part but sometimes you just have to be mad! If my husband said that to me I would give him a toilet paper roll and tell him to go have fun!
wrencn Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks guys. My husband has done some really evil stuff to me in the past few months so his words don't really hurt like they would under normal circumstances. I know he has to make me a villain to justify his actions. He made sure to post on facebook that good guys get stomped on so much that it turns them into *******s as a status update. Whatever you have to tell yourself buddy! 2ndThyme- definitely lose the weight for you and not him and know that a thin body doesn't mean happiness. I'm 5'7 - 120 and I'm miserable right now and the girl my husband is infatuated with has at least 30 pounds on me. W_N- I'm past talking to my husband- not all guys are sensitive and able to communicate like you My 7 year old can communicate his feeling better than my husband.
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I have decided that I need to be on here a lot more. This site helps so much! Where exactly can I find the info about the 180???
wrencn Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Where in Texas are you from? I grew up in Corpus, but I live in Va now The site really does help so much! The 180's list This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
What_Next Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The 180 can be VERY powerful. However, it is a system of behavior changes. Be sure to read it and understand it. It can be very difficult to follow if you are living under the same roof. Trust me, I know from VERY personal experience. wrencn, I wouldn't necessarily say I am sensitive, but I can say that I am a 100% changed man as a result of this experience. I don't think I was as bad as your husband seems to be in terms of communicating but I had my own severe character flaws. I was lucky enough to be able to recognize them and I did something about it. Even if my current marriage fails, I will be the better for it and my next mate (yes I am planning on getting out there again) will be a happy woman from a relationship standpoint. I will give of myself and treat her like a woman NEEDS to be treated. Sorry for the derail 2ndthymearound I am currently reading "His needs Her Needs" by Willard F Harley and it is a fantastic picture into the relationship. The Marriage builders website and related tools are also very helpful. Then again just being part of the LS community is helpful. I apologize again about the derail.
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Oh, don't worry about it. I got a lot out of what you are saying. I too am a changed person and I feel like my husband has done nothing to change. I see a few subtle changes but not a huge change like I have made. Maybe he's just not ready to look at himself. He is in no way mean to me, the only complaint that I have is the lack of affection. I feel like a better person and if for some reason we don't make it I can say that I did everything that I knew of to try to make it work. I did my best! This is my second marriage and I felt like I learned alot from the first marriage but I know now that I really didn't.
trippi1432 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Ok, so my husband and I have been separated for almost a month now. He hasn't shown me any affection in months. However, we have had sex 3 times since we have been separated. My issue is that he can't show me affection but we can have sex?? To me sex and affection are 2 totally different things. I'm sure that he doesn't see it that way. I feel like maybe I should refrain from having sex w him. Any suggestions? I'm sure that there is a lot of info that I am leaving out. If you have any questions, please ask, I am very open about it all. I agree with others on here, NO SEX!! I can relate to exactly what you are saying on the affection and sex being two totally different things. My ex infuriated me that the only time he was ever affectionate was when he wanted sex....in addition, he would actually start arguments for make up sex because he felt that this type of sex was different than the other sex we had (not that there was a lack of it, just another way to antagonize me). Thanks! I needed to hear that. He says that he still loves me. He swears that it's not something that bothers him but I weigh 225 lbs. and I am 5'3". I keep thinking that's why he doesn't feel the same about me. He dated a girl before me that was big, she got bigger while they were together as well. He said that her weight bothered him. He says that I am different. I really want to lose weight, not for him but for me. I don't feel good about myself. If he gained as much weight as I have I think that I would probably be less attracted to him too. It's interesting that you bring this up, my first ex screwed around on me all the time, while I was pregnant and after. I always thought that it was because I was having a hard time losing the pregnancy weight. I'm barely 5 foot tall, but was a size 5 when I got pregnant. Ironically, the women that he screwed around on me with were bigger than me, which I was probably around 170 after having our daughter...gained way too much weight for that pregnancy. At our hearing later after he left us, he showed up in court with his fiance', she was taller than me, maybe 5'5" but probably around 200 lbs. I showed up in court as a size 5 again. From that experience, I can say that for a long time I thought he left me due to my weight....I'll never be sure, but I do not think that weight should be a factor on whether you love someone or not. My second ex, upon leaving, actually did everything in his power to undermine my self worth by using my weight against me. Again, size 5 when I got pregnant with our son...only gained 30 lbs that time, but I did let my weight get out of control over the years.....working, school and stress....didn't really exercise but tried all the diets (Atkins, Weight Watcher's)....I would see results but then he would complain about the foods we were eating and I would stop the diet, gain back all the weight plus 10 more lbs. With all of this and the yo-yo dieting, I let myself get up to 190 lbs when he left. On a 5 foot frame, that is excessive and at the risk of diabetes or other health problems. I knew that I needed to lose weight for myself....not him...for me. At any rate, my ex used this insecurity against me. He left last July but came back three weeks later. In between love-making sessions (and because I had lost about 25 lbs from a surgery I had just had due to being on a liquid diet), he made the reference to my weight...how I had let myself go and it was a turn off for him. Now any woman with some backbone would have grabbed the idiot by his man-hood and put him out the door naked in front of the neighbors. Did I do that.....da*n I wish I had...but no, stupid me had sex with him again after just being totally insulted and let him come back home, promising that I would work on my weight. I tried walking, he walked with me one time then said that he wasn't the one with the problem, that I needed to go alone. I soon got tired of that and stopped after 2 weeks. I tried to do Weight Watcher's again only to have him put it down because he claimed again, he was not the one with the problem and didn't need to diet....WW is about portion control....someone who eats four helpings of the meal is not on a diet...duh. So, any attempts that I made to work on me were thwarted by him. It was like a set up to fail because I felt like I was under the gun to lose weight for him to make him happy. I forgot about me...I forgot about being happy with myself and doing it for myself. The last day he left, he totally used my inability to lose weight as a reason for his leaving and falling out of love with me. He even went so far to say that only a fat man would love someone like me, that I would never change and would be alone for the rest of my life. He also threw it in my face that this was my second failed marriage and men had every right to walk away from someone like me. He is now very happy with his girlfriend...who is smaller than me. I've lost about 45 lbs and will continue to do this for myself....not him or anyone else. He has quite drinking which is good, he has now lost his beer gut. And since she just walked away from her second marriage, the two should be perfectly happy together. My ex used to tell me that he would love me no matter what....he admitted when he left that he felt like he lied about that all this time. Truth is, he was also never there for me when I needed him, he was never supportive of any of my endeavors to improve myself. There are many men who do love their wives in spite of weight, mine wasn't one of them....or just needed an excuse so he could walk away with the OW. If you want to lose weight, do it for you.....don't do it for him or even mention it to him. Make those positive changes in your lifestyle and see if he notices. But keep in mind, real love is not about the outside, it's about what is on the inside....your husband telling you that it is different with you means that he loves the you that he knows is there inside. The outer changes, do those for yourself and stay positive about it. What's on the inside, the heart, the personality, the love....those things shine on the outside as well. The body is just the vessel that carries it.
The Lone Wolf Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I would not have sex. If you have a four year old son, I say stay close as friends, but dont complicate things with sex.
sadintexas Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 First, a big welcome to a fellow Texan! I'm heading down there tomorrow to take the kids to the beach. I'll blow some happy dust your way as I drive through I agree with no sex. You guys have some issues you need to work out and are currently separated. Work on your issues first. Sex will only complicate things.
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 (edited) First lets address the woman ~ weight thing. Homo Sapiens-Sapiens (aka today's human being ~ there was Homo Sapiens before us, and of course the Neantherdal {which it has recently via DNA that had interaction and intercourse with such) Any who? Back about 10 or 15 thousand years ago? There wasn't any Food Lion, or Safeway, grocery stores around. And there's wasn't any McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, nor Taco Bells? Its was pretty much either feast or famine. Back in the Flintstone days once a woman became pregno her body naturally kicked in to store ~ yep that's right fat ~ to feed her children. Now flash forward 10 or 15 thousands years later. The reason that 60% of all Americans are overweight is because we tend to not exercise and get around the planet like we use to have to do 10 or 15 thousand years ago (that is to say by foot) we tend to eat out at restaurants and fast food joints and eat "convenience" food rather than prepare it ourselves at home (because many of us don't know how to cook other than use the microwave) To lose weight quit eating out and/or keep it down to at least no more than once a month. Prepare your food at home. You can still have the delicious meals that you enjoy, you just need to learn how to prepare them yourself. You see food manufacturers have added preservatives (to prolong shelf life) and "flavor" enhancers ~ this adds calories to what your eating. Ditto with restaurants. That and using substitutes. There are a serios of books titled "Eat This ~ Not That" One of them are designed for kids, another is basically a grocery shopping guide. Another is "Cook This ~ Not That" The grocery shopping version alone is worth the money ~ There's a Hugh difference between "Land of Lakes" margarine, butter and whipped butter. On and on. All to this to say that the restaurant owners and the food manufacturers don't give a damn about your weight, your personal feeling of self worth, your health ~ all they care about is maximizing today's profits. There are thus far three things in mind that are not taught at any level of education? Be it high school or college or grad school: 1. Personal Finance 2. Interpersonal Relationships (Which BTW LS has filled a Hugh void the size of the Grand Canyon) 3. Nutritional health. I know of a lot of people in and around where I live that live to be in their eighties and nineties. The common denominator being they didn't drink alcohol, didn't smoke nor use tobacco, and ate lots of fruits and vegetables. As to your original post about sex with the DH? There are some women that are more masculine than your atypical man (aka Tomboy) and there are some men that are more feminine that your atypical woman? (Doesn't mean they're gay, bisexual etc ~ they're aka "Nice Guys" ~ which women typically are not necessarily attracted to ~ not that they want to be with a mean SOB~ they just want them to have a pair!) Your married to a "Nice Guy" when what your wanting and needing is a Man. Someone who will you call you on your BS when you "bitch test" him. (Which is what your doing with him? Good for you to give him a year to reach and grab a pair!) I use to work with a much younger "Nice Guy" who married a dominant, spoiled rotten "Princess" He's mid twenties something up to his neck working a $10 to $12 an hour job, with a mortgage for a $240,000 something house, a new car, a new truck, a baby on the way ~ AND his wife's $160,000 student loan payment from a fourth or third tier college? Any way you might want to check out and read a book titled "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love" It may be out of print, and you may be able to get on Amazon. I read it, and it got a good and clear picture in my head that if I wanted sex on Friday ~ I needed to start working day by day on the Saturday before last week. Your not crazy ~ your a woman ~ and as such your brain in literally hard-wired differently than men's? I attempted to get frisky with my last GF, and she pushed me away and told me ~ "It doesn't come that easy ~ YOU'VE got to work for it! Damn Skippy! Edited June 26, 2010 by Gunny376
imagine Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I guess I'm puzzled with the concept of separation in marriage. Separation should be for a very short period. If he has abandoned you - divorce him. If he is violent towards you -divorce him. Don't separate. While you are married to him you and he owe each other sexual union. Do you want to expose him to temptation that he find sex from a whore? If he does this, you expose yourself to danger. Please tell me the purpose for this separation?
wrencn Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 As far as having sex with your husband--assuming he isn't ALSO morbidly obese, I am frankly amazed that he is even able to have an erection, much less put it to use. You should be thankful that he is willing to have ANY kind of sex with you. Wow! I am in awe that you could possibly believe this was an acceptable thing to say to her. Please keep your negative comments to yourself.
Butterflair Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Wow! I am in awe that you could possibly believe this was an acceptable thing to say to her. Please keep your negative comments to yourself. I have to agree, I thought the post was really good and I was taking alot from it until the end. As far as having sex with your husband--assuming he isn't ALSO morbidly obese, I am frankly amazed that he is even able to have an erection, much less put it to use. You should be thankful that he is willing to have ANY kind of sex with you.That last comment pretty much killed the positiveness of the post. As an overweight woman myself, it just added to the self doubt and self esteem issues already there. I have already decided that I am who I am, fat or thin and I'm the same personality and I am the same person. If a man bases his opinion of a woman on her looks alone then that's not acceptable to me. He takes the package deal and a man who truly loves his woman, will not be put off by some extra weight. Any weight I lose will be for my own health and well being but not for any man because he can't get an erection. Oh and you know what? The skank he lives with now? Weighs more than I do so weight was not the issue with my stbxh.
Butterflair Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Your post did not affect me personally. I was speaking as a woman in how it would make a woman with low self esteem feel. My point was that the entire message was a good one, until you you made the blurb at the end which was a pretty cruel thing to say. No matter how many facts you post, it was hurtful. People here need caring support not more hurt. You can either take my opinion and know how a comment like that can make a woman feel or you can ignore me and continue on. Doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to debate with you about it, I get the feeling that you have to be right all the time and I don't need the stress.
trippi1432 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Personally, for the OP's own well-being, I think that negative comments should not be a way to encourage a positive outlook or change in their situation. While we all have opinions, please understand that LS is a place where people can bring their issues into an open forum for support and genuine feedback, not to feel put down or "attacked". This has happened before in forums and resulted in running people off the forums who really need to get their emotions out. While the feedback on nutrition and health was good insight and helpful, the negative opinion at the end was a little too much. LS is not here to hurt people's feelings who are already going through stressful situations. As to the opinion on the sex or no sex, I do believe that the opinion has been taken out of context from another point of view. The OP and H are separated but working on their marriage with MC. Many times men miss the boat on what is affection versus what is sex....you can have one without the other. Affection shows appreciation for the person you are with....it's an endearment, a way to show respect and love for the other person. Sex, is basically a physical human response to arousal or need....it is not the same as affection. The OP has communicated this in her MC sessions and the couple are working on this as a behavior problem in their marriage. I will say this, giving into sex while being separated and knowing that the lack of affection is an issue in your marriage only justifies (OP) that you are willing to forgo affection to please him. That is one-sided....a marriage takes two people respecting each others needs. Continue the MC, work on you and the marriage and continue to bring up your needs in MC as well as listen to his needs too. As for the negative comments on your thread....take the good and leave the bad....in that regard, you do have that choice...please don't let it run you off the forums.
spriggig Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Well, Gunny mentioned it so I'll chime in with that I've been very successful with the Paleo Nutrition concept for losing weight and improving overall health. http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/ Don't bother with the health forum on this site, they are all still stuck on calories in/calories out, fat is bad for you and run until you puke mentality from the 1970's.
wrencn Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Well, Gunny mentioned it so I'll chime in with that I've been very successful with the Paleo Nutrition concept for losing weight and improving overall health. http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/ Don't bother with the health forum on this site, they are all still stuck on calories in/calories out, fat is bad for you and run until you puke mentality from the 1970's. I also believe calories in vs. calories out-but I love fat!!! I'm a vegetarian so I couldn't do the Paleo diet but it seems fascinating.
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 As to your original post about sex with the DH? There are some women that are more masculine than your atypical man (aka Tomboy) and there are some men that are more feminine that your atypical woman? (Doesn't mean they're gay, bisexual etc ~ they're aka "Nice Guys" ~ which women typically are not necessarily attracted to ~ not that they want to be with a mean SOB~ they just want them to have a pair!) Your married to a "Nice Guy" when what your wanting and needing is a Man. Someone who will you call you on your BS when you "bitch test" him. (Which is what your doing with him? Good for you to give him a year to reach and grab a pair!) I use to work with a much younger "Nice Guy" who married a dominant, spoiled rotten "Princess" He's mid twenties something up to his neck working a $10 to $12 an hour job, with a mortgage for a $240,000 something house, a new car, a new truck, a baby on the way ~ AND his wife's $160,000 student loan payment from a fourth or third tier college? Any way you might want to check out and read a book titled "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love" It may be out of print, and you may be able to get on Amazon. I read it, and it got a good and clear picture in my head that if I wanted sex on Friday ~ I needed to start working day by day on the Saturday before last week. Your not crazy ~ your a woman ~ and as such your brain in literally hard-wired differently than men's? I attempted to get frisky with my last GF, and she pushed me away and told me ~ "It doesn't come that easy ~ YOU'VE got to work for it! Damn Skippy! I'm not sure if you were getting me confused w another post. My husband is a very manly man and I am probably too attracted to him and this is a lot of my problem. LOL!
Author 2ndthymearound Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Why we separated: Things had been going downhill for a while. We were growing very distant and fighting all of the time. We didn't want to do that in front of our 4 yr old son. Memorial weekend he decided that he was going to New Orleans w a friend and didn't care that we had plans. We've been separated since. I told him a few days later that he could move back whenever he felt he wanted to. He's not technically home yet, but he's there all of the time and stays over. He's never been alone in his life and I assume that he hates staying at our friend's empty house. He pretty much just goes over there to feed our friend's dogs and get his clothes. It's in a different city and he works in the city that we live in, it seems like more of a hassle for him.
wrencn Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Ugh, I didn't listen to my own advice, didn't see this one coming. Heaven help me. I'm a fool in love.
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