I Repeatedly Tell Her, Her Actions Upset Me, She Continues Complaining Makes it Worse

[VelveteenBunny]

My mother is one of the best mom's out there, as far as I'm concerned. I know she loves me and she's been supportive of me above and beyond what is socially or legally expected. But no one is perfect, and she is doing something today that drives me insane. She can't seem to stop doing it and I want someone to help me understand why. I know that I can horribly disrespectful and I do things that make no sense to her either and I am not the best daughter, so I'm not trying to trash my mother. But I just need to vent.

 

Every time I feel like crap over some trouble that I've gotten myself into, she will assist me by doing things to help me out of it, BUT emotionally- as far as just talking to me- she is so horribly unsupportive. It's not that she doesn't ever say anything nice to me because she does. But she throws my mistakes in my face like I don't even know that it's my fault that I'm in that position. I have enough sense to know why I'm in a mess. It's completely unhelpful to throw it in my face and ask, "Well why did you do that?," or "Well, you shouldn't have don that, then," etc. It makes me feel even worse by rubbing my face in the mistake at a time when I'm already really stressed out and just want someone to support me emotionally, and if possible, help me fix the problem at hand. Why can't she just say nice things or nothing? It's not the approrpiate time to bring up my mistakes. I have told her repeatedly, this doesn't help me correct my behavior, she isn't telling me anything I don't know, and it is obviously, in no way helpful at fixing the current problem, or in making me feel better. I ask her why she does these things. I tell her not to do these things. Yet, time after time, she does it. It's like she doesn't even listen to a thing I've said. I know I sometimes appear to not be listening to her by continuing bad behavior that hurts her so maybe I have no right to complain. But still, I just need people here to be supportive right now and please tell me how o I get her to stop this? I tell her that I've asked so many times, that I always tell her to stop this, and that she never does. In fact, when I rract in anger and start bawling her out for doing it yet another time after repeatedly telling her to stop on several ocassions, she decides to punish me for getting upset and vocalizing it.

 

As I've said, she assists me in getting out of it, but simply talks trash while doing so, when I'm already highly stressed. And when I get upset and start complaining about her saying these things when she KNOWS and has LONG KNOWN how much it upsets me, she says, "Well, just fix this problem on your own," just not in those exact words, but yes, she basically says this outright. She'll say, "Well, just fix things the best YOU know how," or something like, "Well, handle it yourself," or "We'll, I'll let you handle it then," etc. I was holding it together despite being stressed, but now I'm crying because I'm just so sick of her throwing stuff in my face at the worst possible tuimes and I can't even complain about it without her acting like she doesn't want to help me anymopre, and I've asked so many times to stop- just don't do it anymore and she won't. She never will. Why does she do this?

 

In addition, she thinks it helps me when I'm stressed to divert my attention, because it helps her when she is stressed. But it makes me feel unheard and unsupported when she changes the subject. I now understand why she does that and that it's an attempt to support and help. But I've made it clear repeatedly that it bothers me when she diverts attention. At first I got angry. Then I realized why she did it and tried explaining that for me, I can't stop thinking about some things that make me nervous IF the matter is pressing. If I'm getting ready to enter a situation that stresses me out, for example, I can't stop thinking about it, and when I mention it to her I REALLY want her to talk to me about it. I didn't mention this, but honestly, it's also unhelpful to me because I can't take the comfort she might give me and carry it into the situation, if her help is to divert attention before the event. That could help my stress temp. if she were capable of distracting me, but it just makes me feel unheard and I don't get the help I was asking for. She now knows what I want from her, but often she still attempts to divert attention. I know it's partially my fault cause even when she talks to me, it often doesn't help like I need it to (not her fault- no one can make me feel okay sometimes) or else I'll argue with her about a comment she's made (not in an angry way, I just disagree), etc. But still, I wish she'd stop diverting attention, something she should know by now, never works and only upsets me. I've started getting angry over it again because I know she knows it bothers me. Why do I have to ask repeatedly to STOP, JUST STOP?!

[2sure]

It sounds as though she wishes you would handle your problems yourself or that she feels that as long as she is handling them for you , assisting you with them, she should at least point them out to you so you are not under the impression that they just disappear.

 

Depending on your age, you may be able to change your circumstances...but at almost any age - when someone is helping you to correct problems and mistakes...some amount of conversation is going to happen.

[Ronni_W]

But she throws my mistakes in my face like I don't even know that it's my fault that I'm in that position. I have enough sense to know why I'm in a mess. It's completely unhelpful to throw it in my face and ask, "Well why did you do that?," or "Well, you shouldn't have don that, then," etc.

She likely thinks that she IS being helpful. Possibly this is how her own mom and/or dad "helped" her when she was younger.

 

It's actually that she lacks "active listening" skills, and does not know how to appropriately/effectively express her compassionate side. My guess is she's not so skilled at conflict resolution, either(?) Obviously she's not really getting/feeling how she is 'landing' on you.

 

You could try asking what type of support she got from her parents/childhood caregivers, how effective it was for her, how it made her feel, etc. And also ask what type of things would SHE like to hear, when she is feeling bad for having created crappy outcomes for herself.

 

On the other side. It's okay to accept that your mom lacks active listening skills, etc., and that she just does not have the knowledge, skills, compassion, patience, etc., to give you what you want and need, when it comes to this. She just wasn't taught it, and never learned it on her own. And then find better (more supportive, and emotionally safer and satisfying) arenas in which you CAN get your own needs and wants met.

 

I know it craps out. My mom doesn't say, "I told you so," but also used to find it very difficult to hear when her daughter is in pain. I think it makes them feel helpless and useless, too -- they judge themselves that way, and then just spew out whatever words they hope like hell will comfort us. Their intentions are noble and pure...but their execution sucks the big one.

 

Hugs.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Just start letting the concept of how you two "communicate differently" become a familiar topic. If she shows interest in this and tries to understand your inner workings better, it's a good sign. If not, then she might not even be aware of the fact that you need some other kind of support and will continue to stick with her old methods.

 

It's not her fault, really. It's as hard for her to understand why you don't want your attention diverted as it is for you to understand why the heck someone would need to point out all the problems for you when you're already feeling horrid.

 

People are different Communication is the key.

 

(And I do think that everyone has communication problems with their moms)

[quankanne]

excellent post ronni!

 

taking that difference in communication styles into consideration, maybe it's just time to put it out there: "Mom, I really appreciate that you want to help me in your own way, but to be honest, you're just stressing me out more. At this point, I see things as either part of the problem or part of the solution, and your hounding me the way you do really feels like it's part of the problem when I know it's really your way of showing love and support. So please, just don't say anything anymore, okay?"

 

because I've noticed when I explain the "solution/problem" concept, people catch on real quick!