PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 After discovering my H's affair just a little over 2 months ago..I have been faced with a lot of emotions. Tomorrow I will be 30...and as much as he's been trying to fix things..I just don't seem to be getting past this. I know he wanted to do something with me tomorrow...some sort of secret...but I really don't see the point. Call me bitter...but I basically need sometime to myself. I simply told him last night...that I just need to do my own thing this weekend...and if he wouldn't mind taking our son upnorth. He didn't seem all that impressed..and looked kind of upset over it. Personally I am almost certain I will not let this go...I just can't spend another 14 yrs of my life on someone who betrayed me like this. I know most of you will say its too soon to tell..but my heart isn't feeling it anymore. I try and things get good for a few days..but then I get down again. I just feel like I'm torturing myself into believing this can work out...and see the prospects of being single as a relief to all these mixed emotions I feel. Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to spend my B-Day with him?
Spark1111 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Well...no, I don't think so. Sometimes the biggest trigger of pain is the WS themself! Two months is really early into the process Princess. I also took weekends away to see family or friends after DDay; to clear my head, try to stop thinking about it, not to see him, a diversion from it all. It's your birthday, celebrate it any way you want. It may be too soon for you to pretend to be one big happy family/couple. Do what is best for you and whatever it takes to heal yourself.
White Dove Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree with Spark1111. It's your birthday and you have the right to celebrate it the way you want to. Perhaps a day or even more away will do you good. Clear your head, PortuguesePrincess80.
imagine Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree with the above posters. You are in mourning.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks Spark1111! Some people see me as being selfish..and others understand where I'm coming from. Some think I'm still here..which means I'm staying with him...but they just don't understand that these things take time...and I haven't really decided whether this R is worth saving.
silktricks Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 It's your birthday. You need to do what you need to do on it. And you need to have some fun - being around the person who betrayed you - only 2 months in is (for the most part) not much fun. 2 months is early days, but.... within 2 months you should be able to see if you will be capable of forgiving him at some time in the unknown future. There is a huge difference between seeing that you will be able to at some point forgive him - and forgiving him now. The first question my husband asked is "will you ever be able to forgive me?" My answer was, "I'll be able to, if you'll be able to live through the process. This isn't going to be easy." It's not easy. It's d*mn hard - for both of you. If I didn't love him as much as I do, I wouldn't have put myself (or him) through it. We, though, didn't have any small children at home, and I can see how that would be both an added strain keeping you apart and an additional pressure to stay together. Anyway, the best of luck to you... and Happy Birthday!!!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Thank you silktricks! I really appreciate the honesty! And yes I know it is early yet...and the forgiving part is quite hard for me at this point. I wish there was some sort of rule book or something to help me through this process. Love isn't even a question...he is the father of my only child..but the "in" love not so much so anymore.
ComputerJock Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Happy Birthday and many more that I hope that change from a day that triggers the pain to those that celebrate your milestones in life. ComputerJock
silktricks Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Thank you silktricks! I really appreciate the honesty! And yes I know it is early yet...and the forgiving part is quite hard for me at this point. I wish there was some sort of rule book or something to help me through this process. Love isn't even a question...he is the father of my only child..but the "in" love not so much so anymore. The "in love" can be regained. It's an ebb and flow throughout life, and simply doesn't remain constant. But believe me, when you're as angry as you must be right now - feeling "in love" would be pretty weird...
Snowflower Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks Spark1111! Some people see me as being selfish..and others understand where I'm coming from. Some think I'm still here..which means I'm staying with him...but they just don't understand that these things take time...and I haven't really decided whether this R is worth saving. Happy Birthday! I just celebrated a milestone birthday this month, as well. So maybe I can relate...I felt a little weird right before my birthday, about how my life has so NOT turned out the way I wanted it to at this point. It had been 18 months since d-day for me so it is still kind of early days for me too. Celebrate your birthday in any way that you want...it's not being selfish at all. I hope nobody is seeing you as being that way. Have you decided what you are going to do for your special day? I think you should have a plan...don't just use this as an excuse to get back/punish your H because then you might be miserable. Especially if he had planned something special for you...I am NOT in any way saying that you have to be with your H that day. But please don't go off by yourself just to thwart his plans...make sure you do something that you want to do and go from there.
Fight4Me Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Some people see me as being selfish..and others understand where I'm coming from. Some think I'm still here..which means I'm staying with him...but they just don't understand that these things take time...and I haven't really decided whether this R is worth saving. The people who see you as selfish or think everything should be back the way it was simply have never experienced this kind of betrayal and can't possibly understand. I pray to God they never find themselves in such a position. Personally, I'd like to smack the ones who would dare suggest you're being selfish.... on YOUR birthday, for crying out loud! If you give me names and addresses, it would be my b-day gift to you to do some door-2-door smacking for ya. I really appreciate the honesty! And yes I know it is early yet...and the forgiving part is quite hard for me at this point. I wish there was some sort of rule book or something to help me through this process. Love isn't even a question...he is the father of my only child..but the "in" love not so much so anymore. The beauty of this is that you now make the rules. You get to decide if you can wake up every morning for the rest of your life with him or not. Your 30's are just the beginning of the best years of your life, not to mention how great your 40's will be. I only chose to stay with my husband because I was still "in love" with him after 20+ years. I couldn't have settled for less than that, and more time wouldn't have changed it in either direction. Sweety, if you, deep down, want to end your marriage, then don't let anyone around you make you feel guilty. For some people, giving it more time may be best, but there are others who just know that their feelings will not change, and prolonging the inevitable becomes fruitless and even more agonizing. I know this wasn't the main point of this thread, but a few things stuck out at me, and I just wanted to assure you that it's okay to begin putting yourself first. Maybe this birthday and how you choose to spend it is indicative of what you want in life overall. Everyone else can learn to suck it up. Happy birthday! Be blessed!
silktricks Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The beauty of this is that you now make the rules. You get to decide if you can wake up every morning for the rest of your life with him or not. Your 30's are just the beginning of the best years of your life, not to mention how great your 40's will be. I only chose to stay with my husband because I was still "in love" with him after 20+ years. I couldn't have settled for less than that, and more time wouldn't have changed it in either direction. Sweety, if you, deep down, want to end your marriage, then don't let anyone around you make you feel guilty. For some people, giving it more time may be best, but there are others who just know that their feelings will not change, and prolonging the inevitable becomes fruitless and even more agonizing. I know this wasn't the main point of this thread, but a few things stuck out at me, and I just wanted to assure you that it's okay to begin putting yourself first. Maybe this birthday and how you choose to spend it is indicative of what you want in life overall. Everyone else can learn to suck it up. Happy birthday! Be blessed! Absolutely!!! Really excellent points!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Happy Birthday and many more that I hope that change from a day that triggers the pain to those that celebrate your milestones in life. Thank you very much ComputerJock!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Happy Birthday! I just celebrated a milestone birthday this month, as well. So maybe I can relate...I felt a little weird right before my birthday, about how my life has so NOT turned out the way I wanted it to at this point. It had been 18 months since d-day for me so it is still kind of early days for me too. Celebrate your birthday in any way that you want...it's not being selfish at all. I hope nobody is seeing you as being that way. Have you decided what you are going to do for your special day? I think you should have a plan...don't just use this as an excuse to get back/punish your H because then you might be miserable. Especially if he had planned something special for you...I am NOT in any way saying that you have to be with your H that day. But please don't go off by yourself just to thwart his plans...make sure you do something that you want to do and go from there. I suck at this quote thingy...kind of a newb yet! lol Anyhow Thanks for the birthday wishes Snowflower...and a Happy Belated to you too! I sorta have 10 plans on the go..but they all involve gf's/sisters going out and having some fun. Just where is the issue as everyones kind of scattered around. Either way..I'll have to plan tonight!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 The people who see you as selfish or think everything should be back the way it was simply have never experienced this kind of betrayal and can't possibly understand. I pray to God they never find themselves in such a position. Personally, I'd like to smack the ones who would dare suggest you're being selfish.... on YOUR birthday, for crying out loud! If you give me names and addresses, it would be my b-day gift to you to do some door-2-door smacking for ya. Hahaha...thanks...but no thanks! Karma always does a good job at taking care of them! The beauty of this is that you now make the rules. You get to decide if you can wake up every morning for the rest of your life with him or not. Your 30's are just the beginning of the best years of your life, not to mention how great your 40's will be. I only chose to stay with my husband because I was still "in love" with him after 20+ years. I couldn't have settled for less than that, and more time wouldn't have changed it in either direction. I know and that's what scares me too. I am young enough to start all over..and yet I have my son to think about too. Sweety, if you, deep down, want to end your marriage, then don't let anyone around you make you feel guilty. For some people, giving it more time may be best, but there are others who just know that their feelings will not change, and prolonging the inevitable becomes fruitless and even more agonizing. I know this wasn't the main point of this thread, but a few things stuck out at me, and I just wanted to assure you that it's okay to begin putting yourself first. Maybe this birthday and how you choose to spend it is indicative of what you want in life overall. Everyone else can learn to suck it up. Happy birthday! Be blessed! Thanks for your wishes. And yes I do have a lot to think about. My family hands down tells me to move on. His family thinks he deserves another chance(except for his sister who went through the same thing). Its a very difficult situation to be in...and yes I know the balls in my court..thats why sometimes I just wish he would've left with the stupid insecure wench...would've kind of made things easier...or so I think it would. I'm sure I'd be much more devasted either way. I really just don't want to think about him this weekend..and just want to have fun ..period. Who knows maybe this is the beginning of a new life. I am not sure yet..but the thoughts of being happy with someone else eventually really does go through my mind. I know a little to early to speaking like this..but these are just random thoughts that go through my mind.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I don't think you are being selfish. It's time for you to do what's right for you. You know, there are a few things for me that I absolutely know are dealbreakers. If they happen, I walk away, no ifs ands or buts. Child abuse, animal abuse, sexual abuse/rape and infidelity. If any of this were to happen during my marriage, I know I would walk. I know people always say never say never, but these are my boundaries. I know I would never be able to trust again. It sounds like this may be a dealbreaker for you too, and if you didn't have a child together, you'd already be gone. So what purpose does it serve to spend your birthday with him? However, if you ultimately decide to stay, there will always be other birthdays.
kuma Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks for your wishes. And yes I do have a lot to think about. My family hands down tells me to move on. His family thinks he deserves another chance(except for his sister who went through the same thing). Its a very difficult situation to be in...and yes I know the balls in my court..thats why sometimes I just wish he would've left with the stupid insecure wench...would've kind of made things easier...or so I think it would. I'm sure I'd be much more devasted either way. I really just don't want to think about him this weekend..and just want to have fun ..period. Who knows maybe this is the beginning of a new life. I am not sure yet..but the thoughts of being happy with someone else eventually really does go through my mind. I know a little to early to speaking like this..but these are just random thoughts that go through my mind. Take your time, you don't have to decide everything now. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow. You deserve it! Happy birthday.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Take your time, you don't have to decide everything now. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow. You deserve it! Happy birthday. Thank you Kuma. It seems he's gotten angrier as the day has gone on..and has now told me he's going upnorth by himself. I simply said no prob...our son can stay with me. I will take him to my moms and its not a big deal. Sounds like he's trying to take control of the situation that he hugely screwed up to begin with. HELL I might just go out tonight!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I don't think you are being selfish. It's time for you to do what's right for you. You know, there are a few things for me that I absolutely know are dealbreakers. If they happen, I walk away, no ifs ands or buts. Child abuse, animal abuse, sexual abuse/rape and infidelity. If any of this were to happen during my marriage, I know I would walk. I know people always say never say never, but these are my boundaries. I know I would never be able to trust again. It sounds like this may be a dealbreaker for you too, and if you didn't have a child together, you'd already be gone. So what purpose does it serve to spend your birthday with him? However, if you ultimately decide to stay, there will always be other birthdays. You know what...I honestly think it would've been a dealbreaker had my son not loved his father so much Unfortunately they don't think of their little hearts when they are doing these stupid things. Selfish Selfish Selfish!
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