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Do I lash out at my father or let it go.


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Posted (edited)

I am 23 and recently I had been dating a woman I loved very dearly. Due to her family being from a different religion my father didnt want me to date her. We broke up two months ago go for good for other reasons.

 

I loved her very much and to the core I did she was perfect and she made me so damn happy.

 

However he would constantly threaten me to stop talking to me and stop caring about me. One time he even said he would kick me out of his will if I continued to date this woman.

 

I caved into the pressure and I would break up with her, and then Id get some strength back and tell her I dont care about my parents and we would get back together.

 

This happened about five times, eventually with her agreeing to convert to my religion which I feel AWFUL about doing because she really didnt want to but said yes to make me happy and my family happy.

 

What I am mad about is that I didnt tell my father to F*uk off the first time and have the strength to do so.

 

I live at home with my parents and they support me unfortunately they had me by the balls so I was scared they would kick me out and stop paying for my college.

 

However there was one month he didnt even talk to me but my car got stuck and he came to help me, even though he knew I was dating her.

 

So I know he still cared for me and loved me but he pushed me to the point of breaking up with the woman of my dreams.

 

I blame HIM for not being supportive of me. I need encouragement I am not a strong willed person so people can manipulate me and twist my arm and get me to change what I think is good for me.

 

I know HOW much pressure this must have put on her and now I look back and feel AWFUl that I let my father push me into hurting my ex by repeatedly breaking up with her. Im sure that added to a lot of her stress that she was going through.

 

I feel like it was MY FAULT for not being strong enough to stand up against my father. I should have. I am weak willed and needed encouragement from him not threats of being never spoken to and being kicked out of his will.

 

-----

 

Here is my question. Do I tell him this is what you did and you hurt me etc or do I keep it inside me as a reminder that you made the wrong choices and that I was not strong enough to stand up to him and now I must accept the responsibility of my actions rather than lay blame on my father.

 

I WANT to accept responsibility that I didnt HAVE the strength to say no and in turn I hurt the woman I loved so dearly by breaking up with her repeatedly. Eventually we broke up for other reasons but I know how much this must have hurt her.

 

I DONT want to be weak and BLAME him for my problems even though he threatened me and stopped speaking with me for months and all other sorts of things. I know its his fault.

 

But this will help me accept personal responsibility in life to make choices for myself and that choices I make cant be laid blame to others even if they push you to do something you are the one that pulled the trigger.

 

-----

 

I dont want to bottle up my and be mean toward my dad that will make it unpleasant and all that anger will just hurt ME inside not him.

 

I want him to pay for his mistake thought I want to hurt him somehow and I dont know how. Physical? Emotional?

 

He has done this to me before, he forced me to be religious and wear religious clothing on my head and I was picked on in school and i didnt want to because I am by nature not a religious person. He forced me by using the same kinds of threats of kicking me out of the house and what not if I stopped wearing them. I wore them from the age of 5 to age 17 and then I said "F*k you even if you kick me out, Ill survive I am not going to live my life being picked on in school for something I dont even believe in, I want to live my life" So I did.

 

He eventually learned to accept my decision and now has gotten over it and all the threats that he claimed he did none of it until recently I started dating this girl.

 

In the beginning he threatened me and then eventually was okay with her after she said she would convert. BUT I HATE that I put that pressure on her. I know that probably hurt her inside.

 

What do I do with all my feelings of anger and resentment toward my father?

 

I dont want to be angry inside because anger bottled up just eats at you even though it feels good. Its better to lash out and let the person know.

 

But I want this to be a reminder to me that to never let anyone tell you how to live YOUR life. That all decisions you make are your responsibility even if others are forcing and scaring you.

 

---

 

Should I let it go and how?

 

Or should I lash out or at least tell him how I feel? I dont want to tell him how I feel, I want him to feel the same pain he put me through and hurt him in some way.

Edited by harkkam
Posted

I too have a difficult father whom I have cut off from my life twice. I have tried to accept him for who he is...but he can't seem to do the same for me. He is not a loving man....and always hold things like my inheritance over my head....and also caused stress between me and my brother over the ridiculous inheritance.

If you are able to write down the things you must discuss with him and get him to sit down with you...then do so. I suggest the list so that you don't get distracted or bullied from talking about the issues.

Threats of being kicked out and not having college paid for are very similar to what I went through as well. At some point you will have to decide if you can make it on your own. Get a job...get an apartment and room mates....it may take longer to get through school....but you will have done so on your own which can be very fulfilling.

As for religion...I am not religious either but was raised Catholic. Religion has never been an issue for me...I am interested in all religions but don't want them pushed on me. I have many friends that are in Christian/Jewish marriages and they make it work for the sake of their families even when religion was not an issue for the couple. They celebrate all the holidays and religious events to please both families and it seems to work.

It seems that the parents out there today can still be stuck in the traditions that are hundreds...or thousands of years old. I think the newer generations are more open to inter-racial and mixed religion relationships. Be happy. Be a good person. Follow your heart. Shouldn't that be enough?

Posted

My opinion? You are living in HIS home, and he is supporting you to go to college. As long as you are dependent on him, you have no business telling him anything.

 

Graduate, get your own place...THEN you can tell him anything you want. Until then, you owe him the respect he is due for providing for you.

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted
My opinion? You are living in HIS home, and he is supporting you to go to college. As long as you are dependent on him, you have no business telling him anything.

 

Graduate, get your own place...THEN you can tell him anything you want. Until then, you owe him the respect he is due for providing for you.

 

Wow, that is true but you have to draw the line somewhere. Your father has every right to express his dislikes while you are in the home... But actively and aggressively trying dismantle what was making you happy over what religion she is... that is just wrong. Religion should not be a prerequisite to participate in your social life... You are 23, he should not expect you to seek his approval for your personal relationships. If you are truly happy that should be enough for him. (Unless you are being love blind and that woman is mistreating you under your nose.)

 

I do agree that you need to be dependent, and as soon as possible. However, he needs to either let you stay for whatever reasons he has -or- kick you out. He does not need to put you in a scenario where you feel your hands are tied and thus forcing you to make decisions about your life that you don't want to. ESPECIALLY IF ULTIMATELY HIS INFLUENCE LEAD TO YOUR GF CONVERTING TO ANOTHER RELIGION. That is extreme!!

 

At 23, you shouldn't put yourself in this position, it is a life lesson... if you do everything for yourself (i.e. rent, bills, college funding, car payment, etc.) then you will be free to do as you please. If you are more concerned about the things he has in his will for you or an inheritance set for you, THEN YOU WILL ALWAYS BE UNDER HIS CONTROL. HE WILL ALWAYS USE SOMETHING TO PERSUADE YOU INTO DOING WHAT HE WANTS. I'm not saying he wants anything bad for you either, I'm just saying that it will be HIS CHOICE!!

Posted

I understand your anger and feeling like he was trying to tie your hands behind your back and take your choices away in your life but there's another way to deal with your anger. You don't have to let it loose or bottle it up! There's an alternative.

 

One - Who cares about the will? Is whatever he has in that will worth giving up your freedom for? I highly doubt it! My mother used to threaten to not leave her house to me. I'd rather be homeless with some homeless friends on the street living in a cardboard box than be controlled by her and have the life strangled right out of me.

 

Two - The feelings of anger you have are from the things he was doing that you know were wrong, yes? Well, you're coming into your own and beginning to know right from wrong (when he's looking out for you as your parent and when he's looking out for himself at your expense) so what you can do is every time you feel anger build from the things he's done, LEARN.

 

 

If he threatens to cut you from his will because you're not doing what he demands, learn that whatever he has that he can leave to you is not worth sacrificing happiness over or trying to guilt trip or force a woman you love into converting her religion.

 

If he threatens to kick you out because you're not doing something he's demanding, learn that this is his way of trying to control you but the moment you take care of yourself and walk out the door, this situation will be a thing of the past.

 

 

What did you learn from the situation when he forced you to show his religion in school and you got picked on? That you will never do that to your own kids! You know from personal experience how bad of a situation he put you into, how bad you felt about yourself and you learned from your fathers mistake.

 

 

You don't have to lash out when you're angry or bottle it up. If you're feeling angry, there's something wrong in your life. Track down what it is and learn how to change it for the better.

Posted

My opinion is that you let it lie...

 

Unless you are prepared to live on your own and this very moment then you have no choice but to leave it alone.

Leaving it alone doesn't mean that you are accepting what he has done or is doing is acceptable but it has always been my finding that parents who do this kind of stuff to their children would also kick them out on the street on a whim.

 

Sorry you are living it some serious hurt and shiot dude... just keep going and get out of that house..

Posted
Should I let it go and how?

 

Or should I lash out or at least tell him how I feel? I dont want to tell him how I feel, I want him to feel the same pain he put me through and hurt him in some way

You want to put your father through pain and hurt him? :confused:

 

For what? Because YOU aren't capable of capable of holding onto your own beliefs?

 

I am not a strong willed person so people can manipulate me and twist my arm and get me to change what I think is good for me.
That's on YOU.

 

Trying to hurt your father is childish and immature. And it will not accomplish what you want. It will just make things worse.

 

When I was in college, I told my parents the summer after sophomore year that I was moving out of the dorms, and into an apartment with two guys and another girl. They were appalled that I would be living with guys and did the same thing your father did - threaten to not pay for college. And I shrugged and said, it's my life. I have a part-time job (full time during the summer), and I have some scholarships, I'll apply for loans - but I am doing this. The parents were not pleased and my dad didn't talk to me all summer. I wasn't happy about that, but I had made my choice to live my life, come what may.

 

When my sister was in college, she fell in love with a boy who was totally the wrong religion and wrong ethnicity for some significant war type reasons. And the parents flipped out again, and there were tears and threats and whatnot. This time it was my mother who couldn't handle it. My sister held firm and kept seeing him, although they broke up later for other reasons, and they kept giving her a hard time about it the whole time. She was willing to deal with whatever consequences.

 

And you know what happened? Nothing. The parents still paid for college and eventually got over it and it's been forgotten. And you know why? Because all of their flipping out and threats are because they care about us and believed (truly believed) we were making mistakes and would be hurt by those mistakes. They believed we were walking away from our culture (and thus turning our backs on them, our parents).

 

Your father loves you. Yes, his way of showing it is harsh and not necessarily for the best. But he is trying to protect you from making what he sees as a mistake. Sure, he might not speak to you for a month, but he was right there when you needed him, wasn't he, despite not speaking to you at the time? Sure, he's going to make threats about wills and college. He's neither going to cut you out of his will, nor is he going to stop paying for college...because he wants to you finish school, and he wants to leave you everything he has when he dies because he wants you to succeed.

 

Eventually, you'll grow up and see that.

 

YOU need to decide who you are and BE that person instead of bitching and moaning and wanting to hurt your father. So stand up for what you believe in and what you want when that situation comes, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself because you failed to do it for your ex-gf.

 

In the meantime, get a job so you've got some money if and when the time comes that he does threaten to stop paying for college. If you want to live your own life, pay for your own college. And stop worrying about the will. Do you expect to achieve nothing on your own and will need his money when he dies? If you are self-sufficient and don't care about money, he won't have anything to hold over your head.

 

At the same time, when you do leave home and become self-sufficient, he will end up slipping you money all the time...because that's all he'll be able to do to show his love for you when you don't really "need" him anymore.

 

This will be clearer to you when you get older and are more mature. In the meantime, don't be stupid and don't deliberately do stupid things to try and hurt people, any people.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
You want to put your father through pain and hurt him? :confused:

 

For what? Because YOU aren't capable of capable of holding onto your own beliefs?

 

That's on YOU.

 

Trying to hurt your father is childish and immature. And it will not accomplish what you want. It will just make things worse.

 

When I was in college, I told my parents the summer after sophomore year that I was moving out of the dorms, and into an apartment with two guys and another girl. They were appalled that I would be living with guys and did the same thing your father did - threaten to not pay for college. And I shrugged and said, it's my life. I have a part-time job (full time during the summer), and I have some scholarships, I'll apply for loans - but I am doing this. The parents were not pleased and my dad didn't talk to me all summer. I wasn't happy about that, but I had made my choice to live my life, come what may.

 

When my sister was in college, she fell in love with a boy who was totally the wrong religion and wrong ethnicity for some significant war type reasons. And the parents flipped out again, and there were tears and threats and whatnot. This time it was my mother who couldn't handle it. My sister held firm and kept seeing him, although they broke up later for other reasons, and they kept giving her a hard time about it the whole time. She was willing to deal with whatever consequences.

 

And you know what happened? Nothing. The parents still paid for college and eventually got over it and it's been forgotten. And you know why? Because all of their flipping out and threats are because they care about us and believed (truly believed) we were making mistakes and would be hurt by those mistakes. They believed we were walking away from our culture (and thus turning our backs on them, our parents).

 

Your father loves you. Yes, his way of showing it is harsh and not necessarily for the best. But he is trying to protect you from making what he sees as a mistake. Sure, he might not speak to you for a month, but he was right there when you needed him, wasn't he, despite not speaking to you at the time? Sure, he's going to make threats about wills and college. He's neither going to cut you out of his will, nor is he going to stop paying for college...because he wants to you finish school, and he wants to leave you everything he has when he dies because he wants you to succeed.

 

Eventually, you'll grow up and see that.

 

YOU need to decide who you are and BE that person instead of bitching and moaning and wanting to hurt your father. So stand up for what you believe in and what you want when that situation comes, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself because you failed to do it for your ex-gf.

 

In the meantime, get a job so you've got some money if and when the time comes that he does threaten to stop paying for college. If you want to live your own life, pay for your own college. And stop worrying about the will. Do you expect to achieve nothing on your own and will need his money when he dies? If you are self-sufficient and don't care about money, he won't have anything to hold over your head.

 

At the same time, when you do leave home and become self-sufficient, he will end up slipping you money all the time...because that's all he'll be able to do to show his love for you when you don't really "need" him anymore.

 

This will be clearer to you when you get older and are more mature. In the meantime, don't be stupid and don't deliberately do stupid things to try and hurt people, any people.

 

You sound so vicious! What is the hostility for??

Posted

You are pretty much stuck as long as you are totally dependent on him for shelter and everything else. I was plotting since I was about 13 how to get away from my controlling raging religious father, and I managed to go to college 3000 miles away and then started my life on my terms.

 

You need a plan, you need to bide your time. You will never change him and it is essentially fruitless to lock horns with an old buck stuck in his ways.

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)
My opinion? You are living in HIS home, and he is supporting you to go to college. As long as you are dependent on him, you have no business telling him anything.

 

Graduate, get your own place...THEN you can tell him anything you want. Until then, you owe him the respect he is due for providing for you.

 

I disagree that if his parents are supporting him to go to college, they have the right to hurt and abuse him psychologically. If you do not express yourself, your thoughts and feelings, there is no chance that the parents will ever understand you.

It does not mean that your father is going to change overhight if you talk to him, but at least, there is a chance that he can improve somehow during yrs.

I guess, if you repeatedly tell your father in an affirmative, calm tone, detouched from emotions, the simple truths about yourself such as that you love that girl and other stuff, he will finally believe in that, sooner or later. You just need to chose the right dose of verbal information and timing which your father is capable to tolerate to hopefully change his mind. And, it is going to be tough at the begining, but it should get better with time. Also, show him that you are flexible and capable to accept him as well. Do something that you can do to fit his expectations about yourself. Your father is very emotional and inflexible, so, perhaps he might have a personality disorder. People with PD can not change and be flexible, they want the reality to change to meet their expectations. But, it is not going to happen, so, they create a lot of emotional drama and suffering for themselves and everyone around them.

Edited by Tres
Posted

I'm sorry. I really feel for you. I can understand your anger. You must not blame yourself: you grew up in this family and you were developing a sense of identity and still trying to emerge from family pressure. It is hard for anyone to be strong when faced with the threats you received. You obviously didn't know how to handle this and I doubt most of those who tell you what you 'should' have done would have either. Your father, whatever his reasons, has put undue pressure on you in areas he really shouldn't have. Your father was not loving but abusive. He seems to have a sense of duty but little understanding about what it means to love someone.

 

Others have said you need to be independent. I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you that as it must be all too obvious to you. I'm also sure that you will become independent as soon as reasonable and wise. You are the best person to assess when this is.

 

I expect your girlfriend was very hurt by the changing situation and the pressures you were under too. As a teenager growing up in a strict religious family, you were under enormous pressures. Don't blame yourself for this! It might make you feel better if you spoke to your ex about the situation and told her how much you regret how you behaved and the pressure you felt you were under (though she probably knows). I think this might give you some closure, though you might already have done this.

 

While you are still dependent on your father, this is not a good time to tell him what you think of him. Leave when you are able. Even then, is there any point having a go at your Dad? Forget about wills and what you could gain from him and leave him be. You don't have to involve him in your life any more. He was probably driven by family tradition and religious pressures too, so was also a product of his background. He was probably afraid of what you would lose if you lost your religion and connections with it, may even have feared some retribution from somewhere. It would be better to channel your anger and sense of grievance into something positive instead, like making a better life for you and your future girlfriend and children.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
My opinion? You are living in HIS home, and he is supporting you to go to college. As long as you are dependent on him, you have no business telling him anything.

 

Graduate, get your own place...THEN you can tell him anything you want. Until then, you owe him the respect he is due for providing for you.

 

This is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

This guy is obviously hurting, and all you can say is that he has to respect an OBVIOUSLY emotionally and psychologically abusive father? What respect? Your father is the one who put you in this world, not vice versa. He should be responsible financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically.

So, saying: "you're in my home, you take my crap and deal with it, because otherwise you'd be in the streets" sounds like logic to you? That's like slapping a kid and saying, I'm your father, deal with it.

 

Your father loves you. Yes, his way of showing it is harsh and not necessarily for the best. But he is trying to protect you from making what he sees as a mistake. Sure, he might not speak to you for a month, but he was right there when you needed him, wasn't he, despite not speaking to you at the time? Sure, he's going to make threats about wills and college. He's neither going to cut you out of his will, nor is he going to stop paying for college...because he wants to you finish school, and he wants to leave you everything he has when he dies because he wants you to succeed.

 

You talk about what's on HIM and what his responsibilities are. Well, it's not his responsibility to understand that his father's abusive behaviors are done because his father 'loves' him. He's not a child, he's a 23 year old man, there's a difference between being protective, and being overly protective, controlling and nearly sadistic. Does not speaking to your son for a month because he isn't dating the girl you like sound at all tolerable to you?

 

You guys are all quick to judge this guy, but his father sounds like a down-right dick, sorry.

 

YOU need to decide who you are and BE that person instead of bitching and moaning and wanting to hurt your father. So stand up for what you believe in and what you want when that situation comes, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself because you failed to do it for your ex-gf.

 

So, on one hand you're saying that his father DOES have the right to bitch and moan and be abusive to show his 'love' because he feels his son is making a mistake, but on the other you feel that the guy should stand up for himself and do what he believes is right?

 

Something isn't making sense here. Make your point of view clear, because to me it seems you just want to bash on this kid for even questioning how his Dad treats him, let alone denouncing the fact that his Dad has total control over his life.

 

"Sure, he's going to make threats about wills and college. "

Eh??? Ya, because a responsible father uses threats to force his child into decisions, right...

 

No wonder he doesn't have any sense of self-will, because he's been forced to dress up for 12 years and no one has said nothing about it.

The only time he's ever taken a stand was when his dad shut the hell up and let him go on with it.

 

"This will be clearer to you when you get older and are more mature. In the meantime, don't be stupid and don't deliberately do stupid things to try and hurt people, any people."

So, his father is allowed to act like an arrogant, insensitive jerk, but the child has to be responsible and level-headed? That doesn't make sense. If a father has treated his son wrongly, how do you expect the son to act. That's why the only abusive parents you get are the ones that were abused when they were kids, and never woke up to say : Hey, I was abused. No, rather, I'll just think I was immature and that the way my parents treated me was OK to let my soul feel at rest.

 

My father BEAT the crap out of me, swore at me, yelled at me, punched me in the face and left marks to which I had to lie: "I smacked my head on the desk", and then told me: "He's doing it all for my best interest." Norajane, when you're saying that his father gives him the 'silent treatment' and threatens him, saying"you won't be in my will", but that he does it out of love, you're using the exact same deranged logic that my father used. It's bullcrap.

Heck, I could rape someone and then say I did it out of love... because in my own, perverted way, I loved that person.

 

 

Harkkam, I feel sorry for all of the people blaming you, and I feel sorry for what you are going through.

Your father was abusive.

 

Don't lash out at your father, but remember that it is not your fault. Lashing out won't make anything better , and it will only make things worst. Don't tell yourself you were wrong for what you did, because you weren't. I think these people criticizing you wouldn't have had half the courage you had, and would have 'caved in' way sooner. You did what you had.

Just remember that you will not give in to your father's ways, not from now on. What you did before proves that when you make a stand, your father will stop his controlling ways.

 

I know it's hard, to not give in, and to let him take advantage of you through emotional and psychological abuse, but just remember you are a better human being for it. The 'silent treatment' he gives you is to make you feel bad. It really is a petty tool parents use to maintain whatever control they can on their children. Why should you feel bad, because you're dating a girl that is not a part of your religion, a religion that you don't even believe in? Was the girl a prostitute, a stripper, a drug addict?

 

Just like art crtic said, get out of that house, you don't deserve to live there. They're not worth your time. Love has its limits, and love does not mean that you can abuse a person to the point he feels bad.

I just hope that you can learn from this and that this will help you to not be an abusive parent in the future, and that you will be supportive and caring of your kids.

Get your life going, be successful, shun your father out of the life you will create. That is your best revenge. Soon, he will be crawling to try and make amends with you.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Let it go bro:

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned".

 

Don't bother fighting your father because in doing so you are doing exactly what he is doing to you - wanting each other to be something that you two are not. Do stand up to your father and say your piece. But also understand that if he doesn't accept it then that's too bad (for him).

 

As someone already said before, if you want to start living your life and own independence, it's time for you to break out on your own. The longer you live with your father, the more continual his presence and influence will be.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Sounds like you haven't cracked your father's code yet.

When it comes to parents, it's simple... you give them what they want, they'll give you what you want.

Posted
Sounds like you haven't cracked your father's code yet.

When it comes to parents, it's simple... you give them what they want, they'll give you what you want.

 

For some parents, it just doesn't work like that. They always want more. So, saying: "Do what your parents want" really doesn't work and really isn't good advice to give to someone who obviously is in between a rock and a hard place.

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