dmr8843 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 So I have a classmate who I have had classes with every term for a year and we are good friends. We email each other a couple of times a month and talk every week in class...again about work, life, the usual. I notice all the time that everytime he walks by me or sits next to me he pulls my hair, pokes my side...just yesterday he caressed me softly/breifly on my side/near my back and asked me how I was doing, but 9 out of 10 times he always touches me when he walkes by. I feel at this point I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it really bothers me because I like him a lot..like a boyfriend. So much that I didn't know how to confront him and silly me sent him an email. My email wasn't rude, cheesy or childish; maybe childish in the sense that I sent him an email, but I didn't know how to approach it and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I sent him an email basically telling him that I had feelings for him and I felt he had feelings for me as well....he never respond; as if he never got it. I actually thought maybe I sent it to someone else by accident or never sent it at all, but there is no way he didn't get it and I am too afraid to address it again. I feel like by him not addressing it he addressed it....he is not interested!!! He still talks to me and is friendly and again....constantly touches me and jokes with me. The worse part is that he is married, which makes it very hard and I have been trying very hard to respect that. Recently he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring and his father died 2 weeks ago, so I can imagine he is going through a lot and we haven't really talked as much as we use to; understandibly. Basically, I am asking for anyone's opinion/advise. This is eating me up....I mean I truly have feelings for this man and why I think he likes me I don't know, maybe I like him so much I just want/hope he likes me the same way, but in actuality he is not interested. Men, any words of wisdom? I am not afraid of being hurt...I just can't read him and I need to know if I should really leave it alone and maintain friendship.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 He's a friendly person - I think you've allowed your feelings for him to get in the way and he doesn't like you in the way you want him to. He's married, you know this, he knows this. Honestly, the way he treats you seems more like a sister/brother thing than a guy interested in you in that way. He chose to ignore the email. That's how he handled it, which means in men terms - I'm not mad at you, I've just chosen not to add drama in my life by discussing it and opening that door. Respect that. Atleast he's still talking to you, maybe not much as before, but he doesn't hate you. He has set up boundries and distanced himself which means he is NOT into you that. Sorry to be blunt. You need hear it, and not let your hopes/feelings misguide you with wishful thinking. Anyway, my advice is, stop allowing yourself to 'feel something' for him. He is married and is unavailable, so don't let those thoughts and fantasies get in the way. Stop emailing him and being his buddy. Especially since you DO like him, that's just going to feed your feelings.
LakesideDream Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 There are men with good self image and self esteem who can touch a woman without the touches being sexual. I know it's difficult to believe, but I have heard of it happening. Sounds like a good, mature, family man who enjoys your friendship.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I don't think you will ruin it. It doesn't sound like friendship is what he has in mind anyway. He has been playing touchy-feely with you, and when he knows how you feel - knowing full well that it is going in a wrong direction, he still plays touchy feely and now is no longer wearing his wedding ring? C'mon now. Surely you see where this is going. He doesn't have to put it in writing. Besides, if it turns into an affair he can blame you for it for being the instigator. People who are married and have no intention of cheating don't play touchy feely with other people and enable emotional involvement. They keep their distance, and cut you off if you come on to them. I see so much of my former self in this guy - I cheated. A LOT. This is exactly how you do it: you establish a 'friendship', then you cross the physical line and get them closer into your personal space with 'hugs', touches, etc, and when they express feelings you play dumb so that you don't look like a married cheating dirtbag but... keep it going so that you have the excuse of 'oh, I just couldn't help falling in love with you'. If there are questions about the 'no ring' then that opens the dialogue of "oh, my SO and I are having trouble... blah, blah..." I bet you a years salary that if you ask him about his ring, he will tell you that he is 'having trouble' in his marriage. It is like reading a script out of my own playbook from years ago. If you want an affair, then keep this up. It will surely lead to that. If you want 'friendship' you may want to look elsewhere - if this guy was your friend in a genuine sense, he would tell you straight up that he is not interested and you would see a significant chilling off of his interactions with you.
bittersweet memories Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 So I have a classmate who I have had classes with every term for a year and we are good friends. We email each other a couple of times a month and talk every week in class...again about work, life, the usual. I notice all the time that everytime he walks by me or sits next to me he pulls my hair, pokes my side...just yesterday he caressed me softly/breifly on my side/near my back and asked me how I was doing, but 9 out of 10 times he always touches me when he walkes by. I feel at this point I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it really bothers me because I like him a lot..like a boyfriend. So much that I didn't know how to confront him and silly me sent him an email. My email wasn't rude, cheesy or childish; maybe childish in the sense that I sent him an email, but I didn't know how to approach it and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I sent him an email basically telling him that I had feelings for him and I felt he had feelings for me as well....he never respond; as if he never got it. I actually thought maybe I sent it to someone else by accident or never sent it at all, but there is no way he didn't get it and I am too afraid to address it again. I feel like by him not addressing it he addressed it....he is not interested!!! He still talks to me and is friendly and again....constantly touches me and jokes with me. The worse part is that he is married, which makes it very hard and I have been trying very hard to respect that. Recently he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring and his father died 2 weeks ago, so I can imagine he is going through a lot and we haven't really talked as much as we use to; understandibly. Basically, I am asking for anyone's opinion/advise. This is eating me up....I mean I truly have feelings for this man and why I think he likes me I don't know, maybe I like him so much I just want/hope he likes me the same way, but in actuality he is not interested. Men, any words of wisdom? I am not afraid of being hurt...I just can't read him and I need to know if I should really leave it alone and maintain friendship. I believe you are reading to much into this. He sounds like a friendly person. It's funny because I even have female friends that do that to me. Also by not responding to your email says enough.
jthorne Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 So I have a classmate who I have had classes with every term for a year and we are good friends. We email each other a couple of times a month and talk every week in class...again about work, life, the usual. I notice all the time that everytime he walks by me or sits next to me he pulls my hair, pokes my side...just yesterday he caressed me softly/breifly on my side/near my back and asked me how I was doing, but 9 out of 10 times he always touches me when he walkes by. I feel at this point I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it really bothers me because I like him a lot..like a boyfriend. So much that I didn't know how to confront him and silly me sent him an email. My email wasn't rude, cheesy or childish; maybe childish in the sense that I sent him an email, but I didn't know how to approach it and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I sent him an email basically telling him that I had feelings for him and I felt he had feelings for me as well....he never respond; as if he never got it. I actually thought maybe I sent it to someone else by accident or never sent it at all, but there is no way he didn't get it and I am too afraid to address it again. I feel like by him not addressing it he addressed it....he is not interested!!! He still talks to me and is friendly and again....constantly touches me and jokes with me. The worse part is that he is married, which makes it very hard and I have been trying very hard to respect that. Recently he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring and his father died 2 weeks ago, so I can imagine he is going through a lot and we haven't really talked as much as we use to; understandibly. Basically, I am asking for anyone's opinion/advise. This is eating me up....I mean I truly have feelings for this man and why I think he likes me I don't know, maybe I like him so much I just want/hope he likes me the same way, but in actuality he is not interested. Men, any words of wisdom? I am not afraid of being hurt...I just can't read him and I need to know if I should really leave it alone and maintain friendship.So you purposely sent an email to a married man, inviting him to have an affair? You basically encouraged a man to cheat on his wife? Why did you think that was a good idea?
Fieldsofgold Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I don't think you will ruin it. It doesn't sound like friendship is what he has in mind anyway. He has been playing touchy-feely with you, and when he knows how you feel - knowing full well that it is going in a wrong direction, he still plays touchy feely and now is no longer wearing his wedding ring? C'mon now. Surely you see where this is going. He doesn't have to put it in writing. Besides, if it turns into an affair he can blame you for it for being the instigator. People who are married and have no intention of cheating don't play touchy feely with other people and enable emotional involvement. They keep their distance, and cut you off if you come on to them. I see so much of my former self in this guy - I cheated. A LOT. This is exactly how you do it: you establish a 'friendship', then you cross the physical line and get them closer into your personal space with 'hugs', touches, etc, and when they express feelings you play dumb so that you don't look like a married cheating dirtbag but... keep it going so that you have the excuse of 'oh, I just couldn't help falling in love with you'. If there are questions about the 'no ring' then that opens the dialogue of "oh, my SO and I are having trouble... blah, blah..." I bet you a years salary that if you ask him about his ring, he will tell you that he is 'having trouble' in his marriage. It is like reading a script out of my own playbook from years ago. If you want an affair, then keep this up. It will surely lead to that. If you want 'friendship' you may want to look elsewhere - if this guy was your friend in a genuine sense, he would tell you straight up that he is not interested and you would see a significant chilling off of his interactions with you. I believe this is a very accurate assessment. My past experience with this sort of interaction, when I didn't respond, eventually resulted in a confession of desire/lust/attraction from the guy. Think about it - if you were happily married, would you be comfortable with your husband interacting with a woman you didn't know, in this way. Especially after that woman e-mailed him that she had feelings for him? Or maybe he doesn't want an affair; maybe he's just a perv who gets off on touching women? There ARE ALL KINDS of people out there.
BB07 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I'm with the others who don't think that the interaction from the MM was completely innocent. I think LucreziaBorgia assessment is probably the most accurate but Fieldsfogold has a good point also. Some people do get their jollies from flirting and touching. Maybe I'm wrong but the OP sounds terribly young in her post. OP......if you are as young as you sound, you are treading on very dangerous ground. Find yourself a SG.......your life will be so much less complicated.
califnan Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I have wondered why as well, that he isn't wearing his wedding ring.. But then - it doesn't do any good for the OP to analyze, because he Is married. Regardless his intentions, some married people do seem to enjoy having the attention of singles of the opposite sex - no matter what they wish to admit to themselves.. They call it having friends .. I call it using 'friends'.. Know it for what it is .. a nice person - but off limits..
Owl Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The touching is a way for him to test your boundaries. If you look back, you'll realize that over time this touching has increased, and has moved from being very small violations of your personal space to increasingly greater ones. He's seeing how far you'll go without reacting negatively to his advances. He's probably not even aware that he's doing so. What he's doing is "normal courting behavior" for a man with a woman. You need to set a boundary. STOP him from touching you...STRONGLY. That's what he doesn't want. And as long as you don't react with a strong negative, he's going to continue to approach you until the two of you find yourselves WAAAAAYYYY over the line.
califnan Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The touching is a way for him to test your boundaries. If you look back, you'll realize that over time this touching has increased, and has moved from being very small violations of your personal space to increasingly greater ones. He's seeing how far you'll go without reacting negatively to his advances. He's probably not even aware that he's doing so. What he's doing is "normal courting behavior" for a man with a woman. You need to set a boundary. STOP him from touching you...STRONGLY. That's what he doesn't want. And as long as you don't react with a strong negative, he's going to continue to approach you until the two of you find yourselves WAAAAAYYYY over the line. ------------------ Without admitting it .. he is probably teasing her .. that's the word.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 This is eating me up....I mean I truly have feelings for this man I'll never understand why women will fall for guys who are obviously very prone to cheating and that would cheat. I need a new outlook on life. I need to become a cheater and flirt with other women when I'm in a committed relationship and have women melt like butter. If he would cheat on his wife, why the hell would you want him?
Fieldsofgold Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) I'll never understand why women will fall for guys who are obviously very prone to cheating and that would cheat. I need a new outlook on life. I need to become a cheater and flirt with other women when I'm in a committed relationship and have women melt like butter. If he would cheat on his wife, why the hell would you want him? WHY INDEED? Because their thinking is twisted and they need counseling, because they are seriously lacking in self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth and compassion? Because they are selfish, and having the bundle of nerve endings between their legs stimulated is more important to them than caring what they are doing to themselves, or to the object of their desire (damaging his relationship with his W), or indirectly doing to hurt other human beings, i.e., wife and kids? I think Owl is right. This guy is testing boundaries to see how far she will let him "feel." Or, like I said earlier, he's a perv who gets off on copping feels. My guess is that this guy is a smooth operator, and this ain't his first rodeo. Edited June 26, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
SidLyon Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 So I have a classmate who I have had classes with every term for a year and we are good friends. We email each other a couple of times a month and talk every week in class...again about work, life, the usual. I notice all the time that everytime he walks by me or sits next to me he pulls my hair, pokes my side...just yesterday he caressed me softly/breifly on my side/near my back and asked me how I was doing, but 9 out of 10 times he always touches me when he walkes by. I feel at this point I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it really bothers me because I like him a lot..like a boyfriend. So much that I didn't know how to confront him and silly me sent him an email. My email wasn't rude, cheesy or childish; maybe childish in the sense that I sent him an email, but I didn't know how to approach it and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I sent him an email basically telling him that I had feelings for him and I felt he had feelings for me as well....he never respond; as if he never got it. I actually thought maybe I sent it to someone else by accident or never sent it at all, but there is no way he didn't get it and I am too afraid to address it again. I feel like by him not addressing it he addressed it....he is not interested!!! He still talks to me and is friendly and again....constantly touches me and jokes with me. The worse part is that he is married, which makes it very hard and I have been trying very hard to respect that. Recently he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring and his father died 2 weeks ago, so I can imagine he is going through a lot and we haven't really talked as much as we use to; understandibly. Basically, I am asking for anyone's opinion/advise. This is eating me up....I mean I truly have feelings for this man and why I think he likes me I don't know, maybe I like him so much I just want/hope he likes me the same way, but in actuality he is not interested. Men, any words of wisdom? I am not afraid of being hurt...I just can't read him and I need to know if I should really leave it alone and maintain friendship. You are both "grooming" each other for an affair, as I'm sure you and everybody else who's posted in this thread, knows.
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