asrgal Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I am so frustrated with the way my boyfriend (we have been together 4 years) communicates :-( Everytime I have anything on my mind, worries, concerns or even when I want to talk about us and our future - he just shuts down. I am very gentle by approaching him never attacking him and he listens but will not answer at all. If I start asking him more, he puts a wall up or says something like why is this important or I don't know, or starts joking about something not important...and he is done. This than makes it a bigget problem and we start arguing over nothing...and all of a sudden he is a good talker, why does it has to come to this. In the end I feel guilty foor bringing something up in first place :-( This is frustrating! Oh and if there is a TV in the room I am lucky to get any attention at all, it is impossible for me to compete with the TV. The worse thing is that he truly thinks we have good communication. How can I get him to not just listen but engage in a conversation about things that matter to me? How can I get answers? Any male input would be great - I hear that is a common issue.
califnan Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Have you tried pouting .. ha ... (just kidding) .. My husband seemed to be more talkative when I would be preoccupied and wasn't talking .. It's as if he was more attracted when I shut up .. I can't be certain if would work - but have you tried periods of silence ..
make me believe Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 This is just how your boyfriend is. It hasn't improved after four years, and isn't likely to ever improve. Personally, I would not be in a relationship with somebody who refused to communicate with me and paid more attention to the TV than to me. Why have you put up with this behavior for so long? What kind of a relationship is it if you can't talk about your future, or any worries or concerns with your partner? Unless he wants to change - and it doesn't sound like he does - then he's not going to. It's up to you to decide if you can live with it or not.
stace79 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Agreed that it isn't likely to change much, if at all, if he's been this way for four years. Also, my concern is that his lack of communication effort and attention is a sign of a deeper lack of genuine love and respect for you. Even though my bf doesn't like to have these types of discussions either, he tries to listen to me and respond. One thing we have worked on, though, is that we limit the discussion instead of going on and on for an hour and a half. But seriously, if he isn't willing to work on it, I'd bail. Life is too short to waste time on someone who isn't concerned about your feelings.
carhill Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Any male input would be great - I hear that is a common issue. Yes, based on my conversations with married women over the years, it (communication style compatibility) is a common issue. 'How do you feel about that?' ..... Open ended question. 'Why?' ..... Open ended question. Ask open ended questions, then listen. My biggest problem was being quiet and listening. MC helped with that, but it's still something I have to work on every day. If your communication styles aren't compatible and *both* of you aren't willing to work to find a healthy middle ground, then accept it and move on. 'I need to feel xxx in our relationship and, frankly, our lack of healthy communication isn't getting me there. I'd like to work on this. Are you willing to work on this?' Listen. Make a decision. If you get silence, per usual, then 'OK, I accept that. Goodbye'.
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