Hurting101 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I just found out that my husband, who moved out a couple of months ago, has just moved in with a woman who used to be a friend of mine. I ended my friendship with her about a year ago because I felt she was behaving inappropriately with my husband, swimming topless when they were alone together, calling him darling in text messages, but my husband always swore that there was nothing going on between them other than a mutual love of rock climbing. Last Friday a friend of mine saw this woman and she couldn't wait to tell her that she was moving in with my husband that day. She told her that they were in love and wanting to make a real go of it and she'd hadn't felt like this since she'd first met her long term boyfriend. I called my husband to hear it from him and he told me that her moving in wasn't ideal but she had to move out of her home because she'd been cheating on her boyfriend (who'd she'd been with for nearly 20 years off and on, had cheated on many, many times before and who was also a friend of my husband's) with him for the last couple of weeks and had no place else to go. Does this sound like a rebound relationship? To move in so quickly with each other and under these circumstances seems bizarre. Is this a relationship that will work? Its a bit of a roller coaster ride for me because he still messages me with things like asking me to do him a favour and send him some photo's of our dogs from time to time because he saw a dog of the same breed and got teary. Then a couple of days ago I got this one "I hope I can explain all this to you one day. I want to make this relationship work so all the pain i've caused people isn't in vain. I still see you as someone I could rely on and trust and I'm very sad at the thought of never having you in my life. Sorry you probably don't want to hear this, i'm crying now, I don't know why I'm even telling you these things." After that I got my hopes up that he was reconsidering his decision, not that we would get back together as a result, but he would stop disrespecting me through this relationship, but the next day I got "" I genuinely have a good time with her and would like to have a go at a relationship. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. I really appreciate you looking out for me, i'm glad you are in my life. I have learnt a lot from you and do have the utmost respect for you, although you may not think that right now" That made me realise that he's committed to this relationship and I felt like his earlier message was just a manipulation of me so that I wouldn't be so angry. Since then he's been sending me lots of friendly messages and again is asking me to do him favours to do with things like his business and filling me in on goss from people we used to know etc. Just this morning I've had a dozen messages already, where he's been reminiscing about funny things that happened while we were together and complimenting my bargaining skills. Its very hard to keep healthy boundaries that retain my self respect and move on.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I really, really don't want to be pessimistic, but I'm pretty sure your husband and this woman were having some sort of an affair before he moved out. It doesn't mean that he cheated on you physically, but at the very least there must have been an emotional affair. He feels guilty, because he knows he has hurt you, so he's trying to be friendly. There are things he is not telling you, but the good thing is that at least he's trying to be civil about it. I don't think your husband's new relationship would last, though. The woman said she "hadn't felt like this since she met her long-term boyfriend", but, well, she then went on and cheated on her boyfriend. Your husband knows he did something wrong, and that he doesn't deserve you. I don't think he's trying to manipulate you on purpose and I think his conflicted feelings are genuine. But the truth is, he's a coward. He didn't have the strength to try to fix your marriage, and right now he doesn't have the courage to tell you the truth. You should just let him go and eventually he will realize what a terrible mistake he made. When that happens, for your own sake, don't take him back. My suggestion right now is for you to go NC. No contact will help you heal. You're clearly upset by the fact that he is with this woman right now. You need space and time alone and completely away from him to heal and move on. I wish you all the best!
lonelygurl Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 It is really hard to know if it is going to be a rebound relationship or not. My X left me and within a month or two starting living with a woman who he was likely seeing before he left. They have been together a year and a half now. You probably should cut off all contact with your X. My feelings on this are like the first time my X and I split. He wants to keep the door open with you incase his new relationship doesn't work out. Keeping in contact with him is only leaving lingering hope and causing you more pain.
Author Hurting101 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 I know that you're right starry sky and thank you for being so gentle with the truth. I know my keeping in contact with him is because I keep thinking that he'll see the light and realise what a mistake he's made and how he's moved on from me, a nice, decent human being to a piece of trash. I don't want him back, but I don't want him to be with her either, to have him be with a friend who betrayed me and drove such a wedge in our marriage only doubles the pain. Both of you are right that I should initiate nc.
brokendream Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I agree with the above posters....this affair was going on long before you left. You're husband probably doesn't want to admit this to you so he can keep his options open with you in case the relationship doesn't work out with her. Sorry.
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