Space thing

[Shiner]

Hiya,

 

First timer here, but I have been reading alot of threads on the subject. The subject is fairly self explanatory and doing my best with NC as per the other threads I've read, but I'm still confused as ever about it...

 

Bit of a back story, me and my gf had been going out for a year and a half, about 3 months ago she broke it off and I was absolutely devastated. At that point I didn't go NC, but neither did I initiate any contact, but I did have constant phone calls and text messages from her, especially when she had been on nights out at 2 in the morning! I was getting invites to hang out all the time, which I did and it was cool, I think we only went for one day in our break up where we didn't see each other.

 

But, I also got on with my life as, despite the contact, we were still apart, my friends and family were extremely supportive. In that time I also worked on myself, things which I'm still working on now, which is great.

 

My closest friends had a flat become free in their house and said it was mine if I wanted it, which I jumped at the chance. They kept me from paying the deposit on the flat until the last minute as they said they were positive that my ex would want me back as soon as I gained some independence. Which turned out to be the case, but not before I had taken on the flat!

 

Anyway, we got back together and everything was great, better than before, even better than when we first got together. After a week she expected me to move back in, to which I said no. Even though I'd been staying at her flat all the time (for which I offered to, and did, pay half the rent/bills), I felt like it would be too fast and put all the pressure back on us again. This didn't go down well, but things calmed down and she started looking at taking on a new flat with a friend of hers.

 

That turned into asking me to come in on a house share with them, alot of pressure was put on me and eventually I caved. But I was still apprehensive as my gf had always been very dependant on me, everything revolved around me and she didn't really have anything else in her life that would take up her time and make her happy/content. She told me things would be different and that she'd find interests for her, but also that we'd find interests for the both of us.

 

The whole flat share evolved into just me and her taking on a cottage, on the day of signing the lease I asked her if things would really change, to which she wouldn't really give an answer to, just that I would have to take a 'leap of faith'. This made me feel quite uneasy about the whole thing and I backed out at the last minute. This was devastating, she was livid, especially as she had handed in her notice a month ago and now had a week to leave her flat. This was all on my birthday as well (double whammy!), she seemed to calm down in the evening, I went round and she was distraught, told me she was moving into her dad's house and passed on a threatening message from her father. I was overwhelmed by the whole thing, the next day I got a message telling me "we both know it's over", I went to my flat and went NC for a week. Eventually, I went round, helped pack the flat up with her and we got back together.

 

With her staying at her dad's, he understandably doesn't want me staying over with his younger daughter there. Both daughters have to live by the same rules under the same roof, I totally understand that. Problem is, my friends don't want my gf round my flat, they say it would upset the whole house if there were problems. So now we're living apart, not able to stay over at each others gaffs.

 

Having the time apart like this made me realise how much I love her and care about her, in the past I've never had the opportunity to miss her and now I really do. I told her this, but she says she doesn't trust me not to do the same thing again. So, I went ahead and sorted out a holiday for the both of us, some time alone, no hassle from life at home.

 

The holiday was great, and we got on well (atleast I thought so), we both agreed we had got on well, despite a couple of silly arguments. Even at the airport on the way home we were having a laugh and fun. Then we dropped her off at her house and kissed goodbye, it was like a switch had gone off, something was up. I left it, exchanged texts a few times, I tried calling her during my lunch and she didn't answer, which she never does, she always answers. She text me asking if I wanted to go with her to a music festival for the weekend, which I said yes to. That afternoon I arranged to have some flowers sent to her work the next day, just to do something nice, put a note in it saying I loved her. That evening she phoned to discuss travel arrangements... sorted that out. I asked if she wanted to do anything tomorrow evening, she said she was busy, meeting a mutual friend of ours. Was a little disheartened, before I could suggest another night she said she was busy all week, which I thought was really off. She said she had to go to bed. She sent a msg later saying that I could come along the next day to meet our friend, I didn't reply to that message specifically, but I asked why she was acting off with me. She said she didn't think she was, and then said I was off with her on holiday and that I was being over sensitive. I dropped it, but I'm not stupid, something was up but she wasn't willing to talk about it.

 

The next day I got a phone call from her just as I was finishing work saying that our friend had cancelled on her, he could only make it to the pub for one drink and she asked if I wanted to come along and get something to eat together after he had left. So I went along, they were chatting, I'd already arranged to meet up with our friend the day after anyway. He left, we had dinner, which was all fine, she thanked me for the flowers, I said I hadn't seen them as I only told them what colours to use (her favourites). She said she'd take a photo and said it to me, that's nice and everything, but her house is literally next door to where we were. I asked why I couldn't just come up, she said ok, but she wanted an early night and when I come round she ends up going to bed late. I went round, and needed to force the issue of her being off, so I pinched her bum on the way to her room, which didn't go down well. She told me that she didn't feel like touching or kissing and that she didn't understand why, but 'maybe it was because we didn't get on well on holiday'. She says she wants space... okay, so we watched some tv together before I left, didn't try and kiss her goodbye or anything, just left.

 

I don't try and contact her at all, but I get a msg the next day asking if I can meet her in town to get a tent for the festival. I said I was too busy (which was true) and told her to go by herself and I'd get what I needed in my lunch hour the next day. Then she said that she could meet me the next day instead (today) and that it would be good to choose together. So I crumbled and said I'd see if I could move my lunch to meet her.

 

The whole thing is weirding me out, if she wants space, okay fair enough. If that means break up, okay, I can't force her to do anything as much as I love her. I'll just do what I did the first time we broke up, get on with my life and let her sort out what she wants out of hers.

 

It's just confusing as... I met up with our friend last night and I mentioned what was going on and he was as confused as me, she had said to him at the pub (before I showed up) that we were getting on a lot better now. I don't get it, along with the whole festival and choosing a tent together thing, it's a conundrum!

[StarrySkyBlue]

Her behavior is definitely confusing. I think you both need to sit down and really talk about your relationship, like where you stand, how you feel now, what your expectations and needs are, etc. Ask her what you did that made her feel like you were "off" during the holiday and tell you why you feel she has been acting strange. Why did she break up with you 3 months ago?

 

My best guess is that she is having doubts to whether you are "the one" or not. Maybe she doesn't feel loved enough. Maybe she isn't sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with her and is trying to prevent herself from going into it deeper and getting hurt. A serious conversation where you have a couple hours to sit down together and talk about where you're taking this relationship will definitely help. This can be tricky, though, because if she comes up with "Why won't you propose?" there will definitely be problems. In the session, try a 'no excuse' strategy. Let her talk and you really listen. With good communication, everything can work out

 

Good luck!

[Shiner]

Hi starry,

 

Missed your advice before going away! Oh well, thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

 

Well, the weekend was extremely demeaning from the start, I was made to feel quite insignificant, not like a partner, or even travelling companion forthat matter.

 

On the first day I was told that I'm there to do my own thing, so I spent 15 minutes watching another band while she got changed and got an earful about it for not being in the someplace when she came back. This led to an argument and then to a discussion and she told me that she wanted to spend the weekend as friends and see what happened.

 

I was made to feel very sidelined and rejected the time we were there and this culminated in me retreating to our tent to have a cry on our last night. She said she didn't understand why I was upset, I found that thoughtless considering she had broken up with me the day before.

 

She refuted this, said she hadn't broken up with me and just wanted to see where the weekend went.

 

Now I remember the conversation we had on that first day and I can say for fact that she told me she just wanted to be friends, which to me is considered a break up, or am I wrong?

 

After she said she hadn't broken up I went to find her and found her drunk, i wanted to apologise but she said she was disappointed in me and how dare I try and talk to her about it now that she's drunk. I left her to it, made sure she was with a friend that would look after her and went to bed.

 

This morning we get up and act like nothing has happened, (I wasn't sure if she remembered or not from drink) get on fine, fly home and she drops me off to pick up my car.

 

I said that she needed to think about whether she wanted this relationship to move forward. She said she hadn't said anything because she was being polite , but felt it wasn't working and said she thought we should have a break. I reitterated that she needed to think things through and if she wants things to progress then to contact me and that other than that I wanted no contact at all with her, which I don't think she expected coming from me. She has always said that she thought we could carry on as best friends if we ever broke up.

 

I'm not sure things were handled in the right way, but what's done is done.

 

I find she is acting very erratically and changing the goal posts constantly, i just haven't known where I stand for over a week now.

[DenverBachelor]

I find she is acting very erratically and changing the goal posts constantly, i just haven't known where I stand for over a week now.

 

Break up with her. It's not fun any more and she's becoming a bitch.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I kinda agree with what DenverBachelor said. At the very least, it seems she is not trying to work things out with you. Whatever is going through her head, she's not including you in the picture.

 

You did the right thing. No contact is the way to go. One thing you don't want is to be in a relationship with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with you or not. As long as she's 'unsure', there will be nothing to build a healthy relationship on. You tried to fix the relationship, but your effort alone won't be enough. If she has sorted through her feelings and decided she wants things to work out, she will contact you. For now, treat it as a real breakup and try to move on.

[Shiner]

As a note, she kept changing her reasons for breaking up with me 3 months ago, to this day she changes the reason to suit the conversation/argument she's having at the time.

 

I do have confidence problems, which is something she has brought up, but I take any criticism on board and since that break up I've been going down several avenues to find the right way to sort these issues out. I find it quite frustrating that I'm trying to work on my shortcomings and making progress, yet she has anger issues, which I've mentioned slot and she has admitted to, but she does nothing about.

 

4 weeks ago she wanted me to sign a lease with her on a cottage together but I said no at the last minute as I didn't see it as a solution to anything. It was the same with the holiday, she told me she thought it would sort everything out. But I see these sort of things as exactly that, 'things'. I wanted to work on us and grow together rather than forcing everything to progress, but she doesn't appear to want to do that, she just wanted immediate commitment at the time.

 

Ironically, after declining the lease, she moved in with her dad, I had my own flat and we were apart more, actually giving me a chance to miss her for the first time in a year and a half, but she wasn't sure about moving in together anymore.

[Shiner]

Starry, Denver,

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and post your support and opinion on my situation, it's very much appreciated!

 

It's been 3 days now since we last spoke, I'm finding things are up and down. I've been feeling guilty about an incident the day before we were to sign the lease on the previously mentioned cottage.

 

2 nights before she had a go at me for falling asleep on the sofa (after spending the day out and about going for walks and the like), i fell back to sleep a while later and when i woke up she had gone. I upped and left myself, a bit miffed, to go to my own flat. I didn't contact her or respond to her messages for 24 hours because I was annoyed with her attitude.

 

I know it was a stupid thing to do, but now the thought is burrowing into my head.

 

Anyway, I've not heard from her, but I can't stop checking my phone all the time, just to see if she's left a message. I'm really missing her and blaming myself for the whole thing. The words 'if only...' keep revolving around my head.

 

I've been to see a relationship counsellor with the intention of getting help to move on. She asked lots of questions regarding the relationship and a bit about my background. But, when she asked me what I ultimately wanted, I couldn't help but say that I wanted her back, albeit things would have to change and relationship counselling would be one of the ways for us as a couple to move on together. But as i say, I've had no contact from her.

 

The counsellor asked if I had considered telling her that i had been to talk to someone as my ex may find that a positive thing on my part. But I don't feel, even if I wanted to (and i actually do!), that I could because of the NC conditions I've laid down which basically leave the decision to her. That would, to me, be backing down on my decision, weakening my position and appear to be grovelling a little bit.

 

At the moment I'm trying to I'll my time, going for runs with friends, playing football, meeting new people, I'm even taking up the drums and having my first lesson on Saturday!

 

Still miss her though, but that's the decision I made I guess.

 

Shiner

[StarryEyed]

Hi Shiner

 

Have you tried talking to your girlfriend/ ex gf about this?

 

If somebody pulled out of signing a lease with me after living together before I would wonder if I had a future with them.

 

It sounds as if she is feeling awkward about the situation too.

Edited July 1, 2010 by StarryEyed

[Shiner]

For the simple reason that I find it hard to talk with her, the smallest of things are taken the wrong way. If i tried to talk to her now I'm not sure she would listen?

 

I in no way think that I'm anywhere near perfect, I know I've got more flaws than most. But I try and take those flaws and attempt to fix them, but I can only do that one step at a time. Maybe this counsellor can help guide me in the right direction.

 

I'm sure she did question our future together, I've no doubts of that. But, I'm only human and I make mistakes and I'll probably remember that one for being my biggest. I deprived her of her dream home, but, at the time I wanted a bit of reassurance that we were both going to work at the relationship which I didn't feel I was getting. That being said, I couldn't make the decision either way and I hated myself for that. It was one of the first things I brought up in my psychologist appointment and it's something I'll be dealing with.

 

I did understand how she felt somewhat, it was only a couple of months before that I had been living out my car and sleeping on spare beds and sofas. It's a horrible feeling of abandonment and if I could go back in time and change things I would, but I can't. What i can do is carry on into the future and change me so they won't happen again.

 

I think this time apart is a chance for both me and her to grow and learn about ourselves and what we want.

 

If we don't get back together in the future, then it just wasn't meant to be and life goes on.

 

But I do love her and if we did manage to work things out one day, then I believe the pain I/we have now will be worth it in the long run.

[StarryEyed]

It sounds as though you are just incompatible, otherwise you wouldnt be having probs like this, go find a new one and maybe one day ur ex and u can be friends!