Viking Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My GF is out of town and has been for about a week and a half and will be gone for about another week. Recently, she hasn't been texting me very much and we've talked on the phone twice since she left. I called her both times. She hasn't been texting me very much possibly due to the fact that she's been busy with the business part of her trip (13-14 hour days) and the time zone difference. She posted on one of her facebook friend's walls that (in context of cycling) "David, I miss you and our rides." For me, this sends me off into a spiral because she has yet to tell me that she misses me. Then to top it off, I texted her last night and still have yet to receive a text back even though it has been almost 24 hours since I sent the text. Am I out of line with my expectations? She has been very hard to get a hold of and she hasn't really updated facebook all that much compared to what she normally does. I guess I am jealous over the lack of time she has for me and the amount of time she has for her business when she isn't really doing work. This leads me to obsess over the situation and get really worked up inside and feeling ill. I just wish there was a way to figure out if she is just distancing herself from me so that when she gets back, she can break up with me or something. That is the underlying fear here. We've been dating for 9 months now and I really like her, but her lack of involvement seems to be eating away at my insides. I am sure everything will be fine when she gets back, I am just wondering how to control my feelings of obsession and jealousy. Thanks.
morganmedina Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 did she stop posting on fb before she left? if so then something could be up if not then i think its just cause of the trip. she could be busy. why not next time you do get a hold of her you ask her if she has been busy lately. dont get mad. just ask calmly.
Windsurf66 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hi, I guess its a mis-match in expectations and needs. I read your earlier post that she has always been quite busy, and you would prefer that she spends some time with you. Well, I guess you would have known that she is a busy person, and not ready to get heavily involved in a relationship. You need to decide if you can bear with this, for the long term. If not, you might need to explain to her your needs, and if she is unable to meet them, both of you might end up as just friends. I can understand your feelings of anxiety and jealousy when she is uncontactable and posted a unsettling msg on facebook about some guy. I wouldn't be happy about it if she has the time to post a "miss you" msg to some guy, but nothing for me. But does she tells you that she misses you on the phone or in her text?
threebyfate Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Unless she's off in the bush, there's no excuse for ignoring your SO. When she gets back, the two of you need to have a talk about her lack of consideration for your feelings.
Author Viking Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 did she stop posting on fb before she left? if so then something could be up if not then i think its just cause of the trip. she could be busy. why not next time you do get a hold of her you ask her if she has been busy lately. dont get mad. just ask calmly. Not really. She only slowed down posting AS much as before. Compared to before the trip, she has posted very little. Thing is I know she's been busy. I called at the end of my lunch break yesterday and talked to her for only 4 minutes. It happened to be the tail end of her dinner and her group was getting back to doing whatever. She told me at the outset that texting was going to be the only "viable/reliable" way of talking to her. She is just a lot more independent than I am. When I am in a relationship, I like being in contact with my SO. She doesn't need that apparently as much as I do. Hi, I guess its a mis-match in expectations and needs. I read your earlier post that she has always been quite busy, and you would prefer that she spends some time with you. Well, I guess you would have known that she is a busy person, and not ready to get heavily involved in a relationship. You need to decide if you can bear with this, for the long term. If not, you might need to explain to her your needs, and if she is unable to meet them, both of you might end up as just friends. I can understand your feelings of anxiety and jealousy when she is uncontactable and posted a unsettling msg on facebook about some guy. I wouldn't be happy about it if she has the time to post a "miss you" msg to some guy, but nothing for me. But does she tells you that she misses you on the phone or in her text? No, not really. I didn't text her for about a day and a half because I got my phone soaked and had to get a new one and she texted me "That would explain why you didn't answer." She has been keeping me "up to date" so to speak, but not really well. The message to the cycling friend is what bothered me. She had time to write that crap but doesn't make an effort to text me really. A coworker of mine explained it like this though: She is on a trip with her colleagues, she is going to be busy and therefore isn't really able to be in girlfriend mode, so whenever I would be texting her while she's trying to work, she's probably thinking "He keeps texting me when he knows I can't really talk." My coworker said that she might also find it annoying as I am proving that I can't go without her for a while. It only takes 10 seconds to return a text! I know, that is why this bothers me so much! I am glad I am not the only person to realize this. Although, she doesn't have her phone on her all the time. Unless she's off in the bush, there's no excuse for ignoring your SO. When she gets back, the two of you need to have a talk about her lack of consideration for your feelings. We actually did talk about this earlier, before she left. She doesn't want me to be stressed out or worried. I told her that I was going to miss her and that probably was a little heavy for her the day that she was leaving. Especially because I told her that "I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time." I was a little bit wound up from knowing that she'd be taking off, so I was just letting everything inside me out. I ended up getting a text from her, so at least I know that I am not smothering/pressuring her from my texting. That is the one thing I want to avoid while she is gone-I don't want to be the BF who is unable to deal with his GF being out of town doing something important to her. My dad was saying that I should just cool it because if she sees me as a needy and clingy guy, she'll be put off by that and begin to think I'm not able to deal with her being busy and that I am not able to keep myself together. Which I assume is unattractive...
imagine Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Keep communication to SMS's. Short and sweet. There is no mystery about you. How are you going to sustain her interest in future. Take time in developing yourself. What plans have you for a future?
threebyfate Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Viking, she hasn't contacted you for a week and a half and only responded to your text after a considerable length of time. She's also still posting on Facebook but hasn't made time for you. If I were you, I would start distancing myself and treat her the same way she's treating you. Don't contact her for at least a week and a half and if she contacts you first, leave her hanging for a couple of days. There's no use having another talk since you've already had one prior to her leaving.
Windsurf66 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 The message to the cycling friend is what bothered me. She had time to write that crap but doesn't make an effort to text me really. A coworker of mine explained it like this though: She is on a trip with her colleagues, she is going to be busy and therefore isn't really able to be in girlfriend mode, so whenever I would be texting her while she's trying to work, she's probably thinking "He keeps texting me when he knows I can't really talk." My coworker said that she might also find it annoying as I am proving that I can't go without her for a while. I know, that is why this bothers me so much! I am glad I am not the only person to realize this. Although, she doesn't have her phone on her all the time. Yup, the content (she missed david) is one red flag; she had no time to text/talk to you but had time for David was the second red flag. Anyway, it takes 10 second to reply a text, and it takes just 1 or 2 mins to call you, catch up a little bit and end off with iloveyou? What exactly is the nature of her business there? Even if she was drilling oil constantly in the gulf, she cannot do it 24 hrs and still need meal/sleep breaks? And you know what, you are not really obsess or what. Something is just wrong if your gf cannot even talk to you for 1 min a day but had time to post romantice message for her David
stace79 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I agree with most of what people are sharing here. It comes down to priorities. If my time is extremely limited, I'm going to divy up the time I DO have among family, my bf and then close friends. If I don't have time to call or text my bf or my mother, then I certainly shouldn't take time to post a message on some random guy's wall or be tweeting to anonymous users or anything like that. One thing that might help you next time you speak to her is this (I Plan to do this with my LDR) -- explain to her that you miss hearing from her. Ask her if she can at least send you a text each night before bed. It would take 30 seconds to type "Had a busy day. We did X. Miss you." That way it isn't intruding in her day, and you still can get some of the contact you're craving. Any contact above that is gravy.
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 What???. You co worker is being ridiculous. You know I've traveled for work. I've been knee deep in database programming, I've taught training classes, been swamped and busy in training classes. I have a cell Phone... There are breaks, and times for meals. What you can't tell me she's at a restaurant waiting for dinner and can't text "Hi Babe, 143, miss u, will call asap" What that would take...20 seconds? PLEASE!!! I hate people who make excuses for people who communicate poorly. There is a difference between being busy and being detached and uncaring. This is a lack of caring about the other person's feelings and needs. (Sorry for the rant...lol this happens to be one of my pet peeves) I struggle with things like communications issues sometimes and have in relationships. Having time to post and message anywhere else and not send you a message shows where you are on the list. Tell her how you feel....
make me believe Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 What???. You co worker is being ridiculous. You know I've traveled for work. I've been knee deep in database programming, I've taught training classes, been swamped and busy in training classes. I have a cell Phone... There are breaks, and times for meals. What you can't tell me she's at a restaurant waiting for dinner and can't text "Hi Babe, 143, miss u, will call asap" What that would take...20 seconds? PLEASE!!! I hate people who make excuses for people who communicate poorly. There is a difference between being busy and being detached and uncaring. Exactly! I read this thread and thought "even if I was really *that busy*, I'd bring my cell with me when I went pee and send my boyfriend a text from there!" I mean, seriously, sending a quick text to say hi & let your SO know you're thinking of them takes no more than a few seconds. It sounds like you're way more invested in this relationship than your girlfriend is. Speaking only two times in a week and a half after you've been together for 9 months is ridiculous. Why can't she call before she goes to bed? At lunch? Before dinner? She isn't making time for you because you aren't a priority for her. Hell, she apparently misses this David guy more than she misses you! I'd miss my boyfriend like crazy if I didn't see him for a couple weeks (we've been together ten months), and I wouldn't hesitate to let him know! IMO, after 9 months you shouldn't be wondering if she feels the same for you, and you shouldn't have to worry about a few text messages making you seem "needy." You're trying to put the blame on yourself and you keep making excuses for her. I'm shocked that so many people in your life keep telling you that you're coming off as "needy" because you want to be in contact with your girlfriend of 9 months more than just a text every few days! It doesn't matter if she's on business or if she's super busy. She would make the time to call & text you if she wanted to. After all, she made time to tell David that she missed him, didn't she?
Author Viking Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 It just seems like both sides of the argument make sense. On one hand, she's super busy and I don't want to make her feel like I am hanging out by the phone waiting for her to call/text and unable to function without some form of communication. On the other hand, you're right with the fact that it doesn't take long to fire off a text saying "Had a busy day, hope you have a good night. etc etc". She has done that before where she's sent me a good night message, but not recently. It is hard to miss someone if they're never leaving you alone too though. I don't want to be making excuses for her. That's not my goal with my thinking pattern. It is true also that I am more invested in the relationship and we've talked about that before. For the 9 months that we've been together she's had school, cycling team, this business project (that she's been working on for 2 years) and working. I understand that she is busy and she has a very active social life because she knows a lot of people (she's a local and knows it seems everybody). I am trying to fit myself into her life and she has done a good job in the past with making time to see me. It is only here recently that I feel like the trip is causing us to break down communication wise. I did send her off having said some heavier things to her and she may be mulling them over. I just don't want to have ruined the relationship by coming on too strong when she isn't ready to have a more deep relationship. I don't know what to think of the "David" incident. They are cycling "buddies" and go for rides quite often. However, he graduated and will not be in my town very often anymore (hopefully). The guy is kinda all over the board as far as talking to a whole bunch of girls. What he wrote back to my GF is: "haha well come back! I was stuck in a tornado in Illinois once. We cowered in a basement for a few hours. But yeah - I got tendonitis in my left foot because I started overworking myself with training, (mostly TT). And also, Shimano shoes have zero arch support, so I got an amazing pair from Specialized. Let's ride when you get back!" Overall, I am probably just being a little more worried than normal because of the time and distance we're spending apart. We don't talk on the phone all that much when she is here in town and texting isn't always that frequent either. We are normally hanging out together and that's usually what our texts/calls are about-coordinating who is going to meet who where and when. I am usually at work til late and so is she, so oftentimes we're just figuring out where we're going to meet, my house or hers. I do not think that the post to David was a romantic one. She has said similar things before, but this one just bothered me the most. And she did text me last night, I didn't get it until I was off work though, but she sent it around 9PM EST (I am PST).
bigsby2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Well man you're not alone. This story almost exactly fits into place with my story, except my girlfriend might be worse than yours. However, I've gone through the exact same thing, my GF was away for 5 weeks and made me feel needy for expecting us to stay in contact. I didn't do any more than what you've done. A few messages here and there. I figured out pretty quickly I wasn't a priority in her life and I wondered how I'd be acting if the roles were reversed and I know for certain that I'd be doing everything I could to keep in contact with my GF, no questions asked. It wouldn't matter how busy I was man. Anyway your girl isn't gone too long, hope things work out for you. Just wanted to drop a message and say that your thread is similar to what I've gone through and they'll make it seem like its your fault and that you're being too needy but don't believe them.
Author Viking Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Well man you're not alone. This story almost exactly fits into place with my story, except my girlfriend might be worse than yours. However, I've gone through the exact same thing, my GF was away for 5 weeks and made me feel needy for expecting us to stay in contact. I didn't do any more than what you've done. A few messages here and there. I figured out pretty quickly I wasn't a priority in her life and I wondered how I'd be acting if the roles were reversed and I know for certain that I'd be doing everything I could to keep in contact with my GF, no questions asked. It wouldn't matter how busy I was man. Anyway your girl isn't gone too long, hope things work out for you. Just wanted to drop a message and say that your thread is similar to what I've gone through and they'll make it seem like its your fault and that you're being too needy but don't believe them. Thanks for weighing in, I appreciate it. She told me that she has things that take precedent in her life to her personal relationship with me. It is one thing that I have to accept if I am going to be with her I guess. She'll be back in five days or so, so it isn't an eternity any more. I place more priority on my personal relationships because I am not as busy as her, so I have the time to do that. I am just feeling lonely and wishing she was back, so I read into things too much. Did your GF try to make you feel like it was your fault for wanting contact? How did you behave when she got back? I'm looking for ways to not act needy when she returns. I have things I have to get done, but I am going to want to spend time with her!
bigsby2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Well your GF wasn't gone away for too long, and you guys seem to communicate and understand each other well which is a problem in my R. My GF did indeed make it seem like it was my fault for wanting contact. Like I said, they can be busy, but they're not doing something every minute of the day for 24 hours a day. I gave my GF space while she was away and then it turned into days without talking, affection stopped, etc. I'm pretty sure she met someone else. I don't think it's the case with your relationship though and I'm not trying to instill any of those thoughts into your mind, I just believe communication is important and you should EXPECT contact because it's needed. Even if it's just checking in (something I didn't get with my GF). So you shouldn't feel bad for wanting contact. I did see my GF when she got back though. I think you should just behave the exact same way you did before she left, as if she had never left. Pick things up from where they left off, catch up on what you've missed out on each others lives etc. Just make plans to see her, ask her when she wants to. I don't think you can be needy about wanting to see her. She's been gone for a few weeks, she should be itching to see you as much as you want to see her. Good luck man, I'm sure it'll be fine.. only a few more days.
Author Viking Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 Well I just texted her a little bit ago and she texted RIGHT back within like say one or two minutes so I texted back again and got another fast text. I was asking about a brand of bike. Then I asked how everything was going and NOTHING. She hasn't updated her facebook page aside from adding a "friend" and commenting on someone's photo. I hate the way this whole thing is making me feel. I feel like I should be in more control and not feel like I NEED to talk to her when she's away. Hopefully this is space that she needs to feel like she's getting "her stuff" done and progressing on and then able to focus on the relationship. I know that my priority level is lower than school and this trip, but school is out now and this will be done shortly. The one thing I fear the most is that she'll come back and say, "I think I need my space to figure out what I really want." My ex-gf did that and it is the biggest load of crap ever. This is kinda crazy, but it's been 14 days since I've seen her and that ties the longest we've been apart. When I went for vacation, I didn't text or call her all that much, probably about the same as right now. I just feel needier because I'm the one left behind now and she's the one who is busy. I did however make an effort to call her when I was on vacation, but I didn't want to call her as much as I do now. Nothing has fundamentally changed in our relationship since then. I just feel like my mind is tricking me into making the relationship much more important and making me think much more "long term" and wanting to stay with her. Her last BF talked about marriage about 9 months into the relationship and I am going to avoid that. I don't want to be the one who brings it up anytime soon. I can be calm and collected about that sort of thing, even if I could yell on a mountain top "I could see myself marrying you!" She has been the one who has talked about marriage and babies (in a casual way) more than I have. Things like, "If I have kids..." or "When I get married..." and she even talked about wedding rings and that she wants a simple one not something super expensive. I had a different take on that though, I said it would be expensive and nice, but not a bank breaker. Ahh, well, that last bit was me processing what I've heard from her, so I need to just play it cool. 2.5 weeks might seem like a long time, but in reality it isn't. I need to go to the gym more and just relax.
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