kalikula Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) So I've been seeing this guy for around a month now... We met online. For the first couple weeks we were hanging out around four times a week or so... We went on a couple dates then mostly just hung out or watched movies (We're both in college so that seemed more natural than going on a lot of real dates or something). We have slept together, after a couple weeks, because we both just wanted to. Once school ended we both went back to our hometowns (Only an hour apart) but we'll both be in the same college town starting in July. So.. Here's my problem.. It doesn't seem that he really likes me. He NEVER texts me or calls me to just talk or chat. (He has FB chatted me on a few occasions). He mostly only contacts me when he wants to hang out-- he visited me in my hometown a couple of days ago. I told him that it "didn't seem he was interested anymore" and he said that he "doesn't date much so he isn't sure what to do", "he thought that trying to make plans to see me was evidence enough", and he's not "good at keeping in contact with people who aren't near him." I'm not sure if I should just give up on him or what. My impression is that he's just taking things slow... But this just seems too slow to me. He also rarely says that he likes me or anything sweet or romantic, even though he's pretty physically affectionate. When pressed, he said that he's more interested in getting to know me than just hooking up or something. But I just don't understand, if he liked me then why doesn't he ever talk to me?? (Also, we haven't said we're exclusive or anything, but neither of us are seeing other people). Edited June 24, 2010 by kalikula
USMCHokie Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 So.. Here's my problem.. It doesn't seem that he really likes me. He NEVER texts me or calls me to just talk or chat. (He has FB chatted me on a few occasions). He mostly only contacts me when he wants to hang out-- he visited me in my hometown a couple of days ago. This is perfectly acceptable in the early stages of dating. If I'm just starting to date someone, the only time I'd call or text is to arrange for the next date. More frequent contact is reserved for when we get deeper into dating...
Author kalikula Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 You think? It just seems weird to me... All of my past relationships have moved faster than this (At least semi daily talking or texting or something). I asked a good guy friend and he said that he probably isn't that into me, because when my friend likes a girl, he'll start talking to her a lot..
USMCHokie Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 You think? Yes. It just seems weird to me... All of my past relationships have moved faster than this (At least semi daily talking or texting or something). I asked a good guy friend and he said that he probably isn't that into me, because when my friend likes a girl, he'll start talking to her a lot.. Well, you all are in college, so you really have nothing better to do. But as you get older, you'll realize that you have something called a life that takes up a good amount of your time, so you won't be talking nonstop with someone you just started dating. And maybe your friend is just particularly clingy...who knows...
Morals Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 You think? It just seems weird to me... All of my past relationships have moved faster than this (At least semi daily talking or texting or something). I asked a good guy friend and he said that he probably isn't that into me, because when my friend likes a girl, he'll start talking to her a lot.. So you asked a good guy friend? (an orbiter) About what he thinks of your current relationship? Not a great move IMHO...
USMCHokie Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 So you asked a good guy friend? (an orbiter) About what he thinks of your current relationship? Not a great move IMHO... Oooh, good catch...it looks like the good guy friend might be trying to sabotage the current relationship so the path is clear for himself...?
Author kalikula Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Why not??? Whats your opinion on this? We're ex-coworkers, we actually mostly just talk about our relationships. He lives in another state Anyway, I see where you're coming from but there's a difference between an occasional text just to chat and "talking nonstop".... I'm still not sure what to think.
Blade Runner Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) Oooh, good catch...it looks like the good guy friend might be trying to sabotage the current relationship so the path is clear for himself...? Heheh! Yeah. That sly son of a gun! OP, Even if he says that he always keeps in contact, sends texts or whatever, doesn't mean that all guys do, one guy friend opinion is pretty useless in the scheme of things. If you two are in an actual relationship and he's making no effort, that's not too good. If you're still in the very early stages of dating, not 100% exclusive, whatever, then I don't see the problem. Plenty of guys just aren't texters, callers, the only time they'll call is to arrange a date which is perfectly fine. If that drags out too long, however, that's when you need to know if he's really interested or not. Edited June 24, 2010 by Blade Runner
O'Malley Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 What does the 'hanging out' mostly consist of? Even if you're both on a budget, you can mutually chip in for some actual dates. An hour is not too far away for regular visits, as long as you both have accessible transportation. If he's a more reserved type of individual, I can see him not being so frequent on the contact (keep in mind some people, like myself, loathe texting). But even someone who hates talking on a phone will generally put in more effort if they are genuinely interested in getting to know you. If you have told him you'd really enjoy hearing from him more (you should be contacting him as well) and he still won't step up to the plate, it's time to move on.
Author kalikula Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 We're not in an "official" relationship... I was definitely clear that I felt we weren't talking much and it seemed he wasn't interested. He visited me for a day so he probably feels that he's trying... (We watched movies, hung out, went to my friend's barbecue, etc.) But he still hasn't made much of an effort to contact me- we haven't talked at all since he visited on Monday. (Neither have I... But I don't want to seem clingy or something). I guess he feels that we'll both be in the same place next week so we'll catch up then. But I'm really put off by this lack of communication. I guess I'll at least wait till next week to see what's going on.
USMCHokie Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 We're not in an "official" relationship... I was definitely clear that I felt we weren't talking much and it seemed he wasn't interested. He visited me for a day so he probably feels that he's trying... (We watched movies, hung out, went to my friend's barbecue, etc.) But he still hasn't made much of an effort to contact me- we haven't talked at all since he visited on Monday. (Neither have I... But I don't want to seem clingy or something). I guess he feels that we'll both be in the same place next week so we'll catch up then. But I'm really put off by this lack of communication. I guess I'll at least wait till next week to see what's going on. You really need to reevaluate your expectations of dating in the early stages. The fact that you expect him to be texting or calling you every day does make you clingy, even if you don't express it openly. You aren't in a relationship, so you can't expect him to act like you're in one.
Author kalikula Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have more communication when I'm dating someone. Besides, I never said that I expect him to call or text "EVERY" day. But I would like to occasionally hear from someone who supposedly likes me, and not *only* when we're going to hang out, especially if there's weeks between seeing each other. I don't think that makes me "clingy".
xRJ85x Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 We're not in an "official" relationship... I was definitely clear that I felt we weren't talking much and it seemed he wasn't interested. He visited me for a day so he probably feels that he's trying... (We watched movies, hung out, went to my friend's barbecue, etc.) But he still hasn't made much of an effort to contact me- we haven't talked at all since he visited on Monday. (Neither have I... But I don't want to seem clingy or something). I guess he feels that we'll both be in the same place next week so we'll catch up then. But I'm really put off by this lack of communication. I guess I'll at least wait till next week to see what's going on. He's got you hooked; you're on his mind all the time. Which is exactly why you'll find dating advice columns talking about: being a challenge. He's doing it perfect. Now, there's a difference between trying to be a challenge and actually having a life. Unless you know what he does daily, you have no idea which he's rolling with. But none of this matters, because the point is YOU TWO ARE DATING!!! So you have nothing to worry about until he stops completely contacting you.
xRJ85x Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have more communication when I'm dating someone. Besides, I never said that I expect him to call or text "EVERY" day. But I would like to occasionally hear from someone who supposedly likes me, and not *only* when we're going to hang out, especially if there's weeks between seeing each other. I don't think that makes me "clingy". It does. The idea of building attraction is saving all the stories/jokes/etc for the date so you get closer in person. If he kept you up to date with everything, what are you gonna talk about when the date comes around?
Author kalikula Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Hmmm. I see your point. I guess I'm a little impatient and not used to this whole slow dating thing. But OK... I'll deal with it. I still don't think wanting to talk more makes me clingy though.
xRJ85x Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hmmm. I see your point. I guess I'm a little impatient and not used to this whole slow dating thing. But OK... Maybe I'll get a hobby or something... And that ends up being the downfall of a lot of dating scenarios: one person doesn't have anything better to do but think of the other, and they get attached a little too fast. It's happened to almost everybody. Get a hobby, go to the gym, etc. Not only will you pace yourself better with him, but you'll become more interesting and have something else to talk about with him.
USMCHokie Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 And that ends up being the downfall of a lot of dating scenarios: one person doesn't have anything better to do but think of the other, and they get attached a little too fast. It's happened to almost everybody. Get a hobby, go to the gym, etc. Not only will you pace yourself better with him, but you'll become more interesting and have something else to talk about with him. Agreed. Have your own life completely separate from him.
callalilly Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I agree w you Kalikula - it is a bit odd and seems to indicate a lower level of interest on his part. I guess time will tell.
Diezel Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I agree w you Kalikula - it is a bit odd and seems to indicate a lower level of interest on his part. I guess time will tell. That is TERRIBLE. Don't listen to this. Look, when I started out with my current girlfriend, it went kind of like this: 1st Month: Talking on the phone for 5 mins a week, basically setting up dates/hang-outs. 2nd Month: Talking on the phone for 15 mins every 2/3 days. Setting up dates, some fluff. 3rd Month: Talking on the phone for 20 minutes every 2 days. Set up a date, fluff, bla bla. You get the picture. You WANT to be able to TALK while actually going out. I hated relationships where I would talk all the time on the phone and then when we actually went out, we'd have nothing so say. And stop asking other guys for advice that you KNOW. It doesn't matter if they are in another state, they'll still try to sabotage it for another guy in a HEARTBEAT. What are your hang-outs like? Are they bad? Because if they are... and you don't like them, then it's time to EJECT... but if you're complaint is that he doesn't spend more time talking to you when he isn't with you, then your priorities are jumbled. He's a man, he's probably busy out mowing the lawn, cutting down trees, or helping a kitten come down from a tree. Measure his actions while he is with you, not whether he calls you enough during the week or not.
Author kalikula Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 My friend isn't trying to sabotage my relationship. He's almost 10 years older than me and we got along really well at work in a strictly platonic way. He has his own GF. I guess I will give it more time... We have a really good time hanging out. (I think).
Author kalikula Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Sorry for the double post So we hadn't talked for a week, and I texted him... He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. (Um, well, not me then obviously). Boy do I feel stupid.
USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Sorry for the double post So we hadn't talked for a week, and I texted him... He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. (Um, well, not me then obviously). Boy do I feel stupid. Sorry to hear this...and don't feel stupid...he's just too much of a chicken sh*t to tell you the truth...
O'Malley Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have more communication when I'm dating someone. Besides, I never said that I expect him to call or text "EVERY" day. But I would like to occasionally hear from someone who supposedly likes me, and not *only* when we're going to hang out, especially if there's weeks between seeing each other. I don't think that makes me "clingy". I don't see anything wrong with it either -- calling once a week is not a big deal early on. (Keep in mind I'm not a daily communicator either). He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. (Um, well, not me then obviously). When someone is genuinely interested in you, they make more of an effort, even if they're not fond of calling or texting. This guy never did.
Author kalikula Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Yeah... I thought that was probably true, that's why I made this thread... Next time I date I'm just going to write off the next guy who does that :| He said he decided he didn't want anything serious with me after he visited me. End of story, moving on now...
callalilly Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 That is TERRIBLE. Don't listen to this. I guess my take on it wasn't so TERRIBLE after all, although I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Kalikula. Your intuition was right on the money.
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