Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I really hope it's okay to post it here. It feels 'right' and I just want to summarise this and it may be useful to other posters/lurkers, or may not at all in which case, I apologise. I find myself almost permanently close to tears, and don't feel I have many people to talk to. My family are distant, emotionally; my friends are indignant that xMM is a la-hooo-surrr for letting me go and letting me down and they give me the 'you can do sooooo much better' chats that really (so far) fall on deaf ears. So I am just hoping to let some of this head-junk out. Using LS as my Thought Bin. I've had 3 counselling sessions so far. I started it primarily because: 1. I found myself in an affair, something that shocked me greatly after the event and I would never have envisaged happening (particularly because I have been the victim of cheating) 2. I found myself in a relationship (well, an affair) not many months after a big relationship had ended, and I had intended to stay away from men for a while 3. The sense of loss and upheaval when it ended dredged up feelings about other splits in my life, and also in respect 3 people I have lost due to their passing in recent years 4. The upset and anxiety and confusion was impacting on my job and every day life 5. The ending of the relationship coincided with problems with my son's dad; some issues with my ex and him harrassing me and me having to take him to court re finances; a problem with my mum due to a joint venture and me feeling out on a limb as if I have no family at all; my job getting suddenly more busy and pressured. It was just all a little too much to process on top of losing MM. The progress I have made specifically with regards the relationship with MM and it ending: I found it harder to process this split because the relationship was very much alive when it ended (unlike my other two) I shouldn't feel daft or ashamed that I got in to the relationship I shouldn't feel daft or ashamed that the end of the relationship is an enormous blow and hit me hard I should allow myself to grieve like a loss and try and focus on my normal stuff, and then set aside time to 'wallow' and think, it's important not to suppress my feelings or marginalise the importance of the relationship (to me) merely because it was 'just' an affair It is good I had that relationship because I learned that I was not the paranoid, anxious, volatile person I was in my previous (abusive) relationship, I laid some serious ghosts to rest It is good that I found I had the capacity to trust, after the last few years It is good I chose to issue an ultimatum and did not simply cling to the feelings and accept a sub-standard relationship where his needs took precedence (as I had done for so long before and possibly would have found easy to settle in to) It is good nothing was nasty between myself and xMM, ever, and even the minimal contact since has been warm and respectful It is good that he chose to stay if he was not ready to leave, rather than him leave and be unsure and prolong my hurt and worry It is good I have identified in xMM some real traits as things I need in any future relationship, and some traits I have recognised as those I really would prefer a future partner not to have! It is okay for me to acknowledge I still love xMM, loving someone is not something to hide or be ashamed of, as long as I do not degrade myself by trying to make something out of nothing I will get past this and the wisdom gained from this relationship increases my chances of recognising Mr Right, one day I am finding the whole process hard, but each stage or set of thoughts I have feels like I'm moving forward. Even when I move backwards temporarily, it's still forwards to me!!! I want to learn from this. I have not always taken time to learn from my experiences, and sometimes there hasn't been chance, my life lurching from one disaster/crisis (not of my doing) to another. And I want this to have some value in my life and help me in some way in the future. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I get comfort from knowing I'm trying :p:p
jthorne Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I have a little different perspective. I'm not exactly willing to give you the break that hockeyfan is. First, you didn't just "find yourself" in anything. Steps were taken along the way to enter a relationship with someone elses's husband, and steps were taken to maintain said relationship. I would have liked to see a little more ownership, and a lot less victimhood here. Secondly, I think you deserve to hurt a little. Anyone who makes a mistake does. If everyone made mistakes but didn't suffer any consequences, no one would ever learn anything. Other than that, I'd generally agree with hockeyfan, and wish you luck.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I have a little different perspective. I'm not exactly willing to give you the break that hockeyfan is. First, you didn't just "find yourself" in anything. Steps were taken along the way to enter a relationship with someone elses's husband, and steps were taken to maintain said relationship. I would have liked to see a little more ownership, and a lot less victimhood here. Secondly, I think you deserve to hurt a little. Anyone who makes a mistake does. If everyone made mistakes but didn't suffer any consequences, no one would ever learn anything. Other than that, I'd generally agree with hockeyfan, and wish you luck. I don't disagree with you jthorne. I was very guilty for a long time, during and after. And I do deserve to be angry (with myself) and him. Hindsight is wonderful. But I've traced my steps from the beginning, thought about decisions I made, what happened to ME, what I said and thought and did and saw. I didn't just bounce in there for a bit of fun and to hell with the consequences. I had bad dreams, worry, sleepless nights, I talked with friends, with xMM and really weighed up the decisions I made, and at the time I thought they were right overall, not just for me personally. And it turns out now those decisions were clearly wrong. Others reading this can easily say it should have been obvious from the start they were wrong, but it wasn't. Not to me, me as I was back then. It wasn't obvious. So I forgive myself in respect of beating myself up, blaming myself only (and not xMM) for doing something so heinous and against all my own moral standards. I could have carried on with him for ever, he was up for that, and lots of things about the relationship suited me and my lifestyle, it would have been easy. It's important to me now to move on from the guilt, learn from it, to ensure I don't make the same mistake in the future.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 several things were very important that you posted: bold #1 - you are not daft and you should not be ashamed. you made a mistake. a mistake that is going to hurt. but you will get over the hurt. bold #2 - the end of any relationship is going to hurt - period. that is what makes us human. it hurts even more when there is still love there. bold #3 - people should grieve the end of any relationship whether it is a friendship, a family member or a love interest. but, i believe that we (general we) shouldn't use the end of a relationship as a crutch or an excuse to continue to sulk or wallow. a friend told me one time about a situation i was in where a relationship ended that i needed to allow myself the time to grieve and mourn it, but i had to restrict how long i did it for. for example, i was 'allowed' 60 minutes a day for the first week to bawl my eyes out and be hurt/angry/upset. then i had to stop and move on with my day. as each week went by, the time to grieve/mourn shortened. by the end of the month, i was only allowed 15 minutes a day to dwell on it. sounds silly/stupid, but it really helped me put things in perspective. it allowed me time to mourn it, but it didn't engulf me all day every day. i don't know if that will work for you or anyone else, but it really helped me. bold #4 - exactly. everyones needs should be met. at times, your needs or his needs may take precedent for a short amount of time (such as an illness) but they needs time should equal themselves out. also, the phrase "don't make someone a priority when you are only an option" really should be standard in all relationships. if you are putting more work into something than you are getting back, then your needs aren't being met. bold #5 - i believe every relationship we go through provides us with something. whether it is something we want in our lives or not. it can show us qualities we really love or habits we really hate bold #6 - is it love you still feel or is it the memory of the love you shared? i am not saying you don't love him, but maybe it is more the love from the relationship and not necessarily him? this is not up for me to decide. just be careful to not hold onto the memory and make fantasy reality. and recognize, as you say you are, that it is over and you are sitting and waiting and hoping things change. sounds to me like you are doing fantastic! you are moving forward, one baby step at a time. be very proud of how you are doing. i think you have given some excellent advise on the forums and i have enjoyed watching you with your journey. i think you are going to come out so much stronger, healthier and more in tune with what you want, need and deserve! Thank you hockeyfan, really appreciate the support. And that's exactly what I was thinking of, the boldest part about sectioning off a part of my day. There's times I'm all fun and laughter with my son, but feel like I'm dying inside and want to scream/cry/run away. I want to try and learn to push the thoughts away and then have a bit of time later to do whatever I need to do. And I'm going to give it a good try! The love bit... I do flip between the two. Sometimes it's a pull to the relationship itself and all the fuzzy stuff; sometimes it's very much him the feelings are directed at. I do try very hard to pick out that, in fact, some of the things I shared with him I can get from anyone (well, not ANYONE, but you know what I mean ) and that's reassuring. I am also starting to think that some of the intensity of the connection was when/how it happened. The place I was in, in my life and likewise for him. A couple of friends, one extremely close and one looking more from the outside, have suggested that the ideal Mr Silly is probably a mix of (the good parts of) my 8yr ex and xMM, and at the moment I can't really think about 'men' being a part of my life, but I think they have a good point and sometimes I even allow myself to believe that xMM wasn't the perfect match for me, in my life, but the perfect match for me then. Maybe (and I don't want to get shouted down for suggesting I did anyone any favours, 'cos that's not what I'm saying) he needed something to change for him to see what he valued in his life and he's possibly done that now, and maybe as much as it hurts, I'm in a stronger position too - or will be.
pureinheart Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) SG...you sound like you are doing really good, it doesn't feel like it, but you are as you are moving in the right direction. Like you, I had very few that I could talk to about exDM. We met at work and of course I couldn't talk to anyone at work (work was my social life also...sad, but true)...then I got a different job and finally was able to open up which opened the door to NC. Everybody and their dog told me I could do much better and like you it fell on deaf ears. Certainly it sounds like the right words, although nothing could be further from the truth...I was hurting for Gods sake...even though they meant well, there are very few that know how to say it right. I am so glad you got councelling, as close to tears all the time speaks volumns...so just let it all out, vent, release...
Spark1111 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 When it rings true, for you, you will know it. I admire that you are on the very painful journey of self-introspection; so many do not ever want to go there. They usually are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, allowing fate to toss them around at will. Hopefully, you will learn and grow stronger the better you know yourself. When it works well, you are no longer a victim, but a strong authentic self-actualized woman who will be a better partner and mother to your child. You will realize what you need to be happier and give it to yourself! Hats off to you! Be proud of your courage.
nys Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Hi Silly Girl, you're so brave to have attended the counselling sessions. I myself would like to go but I'm so afraid - obviously of being judged. Just thinking it's about time for me to seek counselling as I've tried NC many times but to no avail.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Hi Silly Girl, you're so brave to have attended the counselling sessions. I myself would like to go but I'm so afraid - obviously of being judged. Just thinking it's about time for me to seek counselling as I've tried NC many times but to no avail. I don't think you should worry about being judged. Actually, the state I went there in the first time, and the low, low, low opinion I had of myself, the counsellor was more concerned for my wellbeing than what I may or may not have done that was morally wrong. A therapist or counsellor is not there to sit as judge and jury on you, truly. They can help you to peel away some of the layers (anxiety, worry, stress, swinging emotions) to try and find out WHY you are/were in the position you are/were in. They will talk to you and maybe hear more than you realise you are saying; we can get so transfixed on sometimes relatively minor (in the grand scheme of things) points, that we don't see real big, useful stuff right in front of us. Ultimately a counsellor is a tool for YOU to use, not someone who will fix you. If you really want to make a change, or understand why you do what you do, it most likely can help you. ((hugs))
nys Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I don't think you should worry about being judged. Actually, the state I went there in the first time, and the low, low, low opinion I had of myself, the counsellor was more concerned for my wellbeing than what I may or may not have done that was morally wrong. A therapist or counsellor is not there to sit as judge and jury on you, truly. They can help you to peel away some of the layers (anxiety, worry, stress, swinging emotions) to try and find out WHY you are/were in the position you are/were in. They will talk to you and maybe hear more than you realise you are saying; we can get so transfixed on sometimes relatively minor (in the grand scheme of things) points, that we don't see real big, useful stuff right in front of us. Ultimately a counsellor is a tool for YOU to use, not someone who will fix you. If you really want to make a change, or understand why you do what you do, it most likely can help you. ((hugs)) I guess I shall give it a go then. Don't think I can handle keeping this secret to myself anymore. I definitely do want to understand why I did what I did. Look forward to reading more about your counselling sessions Silly_Girl. ((hugs)) to u.
MyFavouriteMistake Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I definately recommend the counselling. I have been in an affair with a MM for the past 4 months, and I feel like I'm dying inside. I made the decision to have counselling...1) in the hope that I could find out why I am doing this to myself...and 2) to be able to actually talk about it to someone who would not judge me. The secrecy of it all and not being able to talk to anyone was just awful. I've had 3 sessions so far, and alot has come to light. I am not yet strong enough to walk away from my MM, but I hope that sometime soon, with the help of my counsellor, I will be able to find enough inner strength to say goodbye. I too was nervous as hell the first time I went, thinking I would be judged, and basically I didn't want to admit to anyone the awful thing I am doing....but I wasn't judged, and it was such a relief to be able to talk about it. I just hope I get through this ok. Good luck with whatever you choose to do *massive hugs*
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I don't disagree with you jthorne. I was very guilty for a long time, during and after. And I do deserve to be angry (with myself) and him. Hindsight is wonderful. But I've traced my steps from the beginning, thought about decisions I made, what happened to ME, what I said and thought and did and saw. I didn't just bounce in there for a bit of fun and to hell with the consequences. I had bad dreams, worry, sleepless nights, I talked with friends, with xMM and really weighed up the decisions I made, and at the time I thought they were right overall, not just for me personally. And it turns out now those decisions were clearly wrong. Others reading this can easily say it should have been obvious from the start they were wrong, but it wasn't. Not to me, me as I was back then. It wasn't obvious. So I forgive myself in respect of beating myself up, blaming myself only (and not xMM) for doing something so heinous and against all my own moral standards. I could have carried on with him for ever, he was up for that, and lots of things about the relationship suited me and my lifestyle, it would have been easy. It's important to me now to move on from the guilt, learn from it, to ensure I don't make the same mistake in the future. I think that you are taking such a healthy approach now. I take from your post that you were shocked that being at a low point made you vulnerable and willing to cross your own boundaries, and you were ashamed because of that. Let me say this: stay ashamed on that one point, so you never ever do it again. That's totally what I took away from it myself and for years now I've had a cast iron 'never - ever - compromize your boundaries' and I always ask myself if a decision is the right/good decision. I am now so immovable on that in every situation that it has really added to my life! Use this experience the same way and I promise you will improve your own life as a result. Also it is very much the case that people often display bad judgement when they are particularly emotionally low/stressed/etc, and I sometimes think these MM see the vulnerability and exploit it. Breakups are always 1000% more brutal when you feel stressed and low already.
jj33 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Congratulatoins Silly Girl. You are taking great positive steps to put this behind you. Feeling too guilty over it is a barrier to moving past it. You know you did something that wasnt productive for you, burnt you wont do it again. It was really brave of you to post and Im sure it helped a lot of people that you did.
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