Having Doubts....

[MusicChick24]

Okay my boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We are high school sweethearts in our second year of college.

 

I know that I love this man without a doubt and that I want to spend the rest of my life by his side. We have had our ups and downs but I have never changed my mind about him. He tells me all the time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him as well but that he is not ready to propose because we are still in college and not financially stable.

 

This may be just jealousy over others but I feel like it is time to step it up after all this time we have been together and a lot of my friends agree as well. They are always making comments asking when he is going to pop the question. Some old friends from high school have already married and started to have kids and sometimes I feel jealous, but my boyfriend and I are both religious and he is always telling me that we have to fulfill God's plan and I know he is right.

 

I know he is right about a lot of things in this. We are not financially stable. We both have jobs (I work two jobs) but since we go to school full-time we both live at home with our parents and rely on them for a lot of things. However, I do not wish to get married right away. He says he would like to have a two year engagement and I tell him this would be perfect so we could get married in two years after we finish college and get jobs but he still pushes it out of sight.

 

Am I being unreasonable? We will be 20 this year and I want more than anything for us to have the best life forever. So should I just wait for God's plan to be fulfilled and accept that it will happen when it happens?

[ADF]

I cannot imagine how you or your BF could possibly know what "God's plan" is, or how you even know that He has one. But never mind that.

 

Six years is quite a long time. It is plenty long enough to make some firm commitments. I don't know your BF, so I cannot know what may be going on in his mind. But from what you say, it sounds like he may be stalling. He may be having doubts of his own.

[O'Malley]

He tells me all the time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him as well but that he is not ready to propose because we are still in college and not financially stable.

 

Have you discussed having a long engagement with him -- where you both have graduated and are settled in your careers before a marriage?

 

In my opinion, it's only sensible to have your educational and career goals established before making any major decisions about your relationship. Enjoy a life of your own -- get your finances in order, travel, decide where you want to live -- before you make a decision to legally share your life with someone else.

 

You feel that you're somehow 'behind' your friends who are getting married -- you're not. At 20, this is the time to figure out what's best for you, to have personal successes and mistakes and to learn from them, not to be weighed down with the responsibilities of marriage and family. There's plenty of time for marriage and children in your mid-twenties into your thirties.

 

I won't deny that either his or your feelings may change towards each other at some point, but you should do your best to enjoy the relationship in the here and now. When you've graduated and are established in your career, then give yourself an internal deadline for marriage -- and if he's still unwilling to commit to that then you'll know it's time to move on.

[MusicChick24]

We have talked about having a long engagement and it's not that he doesn't want to talk about it all together he just seems uncomfortable after a while of talking about it.

 

He tells me that he wants to make me a permanent part of his life all the time, but I can see that I am a tad more mature than he and he is not done "growing up" yet and I understand that.

 

Also, I know that God has a plan because we are two Christian people who have a strong commitment to the lord and we serve him. We know for certain he has a plan for us and he has shown us over the years what his plan is. So since I know God has a plan for me to be happier than ever I should be happy right? So why am I not?

[alyssatranswarrior]

Using god as a factor of your relationship concerns is risky. For most religious people god is a guideline for living not a 3rd party in the relationship The mere fact you have concerns shows you arent happy and that in your religion god is trying to tell you that you AREN'T happy. That's not his plan for happiness to implant doubt within people.

 

Since I am an athiest I obviously am biased against your faith system, but I know religions well and what they mean and to me what you said is backwards.

 

If god had given you a plan to be happy with this man, he wouldnt give you doubts which make you question his love and commitment, god would give HIM the internal struggle and instill that "you must committ to this girl if you love her"

 

The emphasis wouldn't be on you if he had a plan for your coupling.

[Serenitynow]

Since I am an athiest I obviously am biased against your faith system, but I know religions well and what they mean and to me what you said is backwards.

I feel exactly the same

 

 

I know that God has a plan because we are two Christian people who have a strong commitment to the lord and we serve him

Have you had any kind of sexual contact with your bf ? If you have, than you arent serving the lord the way he wants you to are you ?

 

And if you reply saying "no" and its a lie, than that also is going against gods word.

 

If you think god has brought you together, then why do you need a piece of paper to say its true ?

 

isnt gods word much higher than that ?

 

We wont see her again, she is too young and has no idea how to stand up for what she said about her faith.

 

(like most people that follow religion, because most are just blind followers, sheep, that have no clue WHY they follow something.)

Edited June 26, 2010 by Serenitynow

[Diezel]

Okay my boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We are high school sweethearts in our second year of college.

 

I know that I love this man without a doubt and that I want to spend the rest of my life by his side. We have had our ups and downs but I have never changed my mind about him. He tells me all the time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him as well but that he is not ready to propose because we are still in college and not financially stable.

 

You should be happy that he's not willing to rush into such a HUGE step.

 

This may be just jealousy over others but I feel like it is time to step it up after all this time we have been together and a lot of my friends agree as well. They are always making comments asking when he is going to pop the question. Some old friends from high school have already married and started to have kids and sometimes I feel jealous, but my boyfriend and I are both religious and he is always telling me that we have to fulfill God's plan and I know he is right.

 

Okay... so much here in one paragraph.

First of all, forget what your friends say: They are dumb.

They are NOT in this relationship with him, YOU ARE. If they told you that all women only do it cowgirl style now and not missionary... would you just follow their advice blindly? It's truly sad to see people use their "friends" as a justification to a way of thinking. Forget the comments. That is NONE of their business.

 

BTW, most of my old friends from high school that got married early and had kids are either: (A) Divorced and miserable (B) Still married and miserable.

 

I know of only ONE couple from my highschool that are still married and happy out of maybe 10.

 

Don't use other people's lives to gauge your own. That's just foolish. You are only in college. 6 years of a relationship is NOTHING when you're barely 20. You are TOO young to even correctly make an assessment of what's right for you... Know how I can tell? You give too much weight to what other people are doing or saying to you. And if you put so much into God's plan, than why rush? You know full well that if it is HIS plan for you to wait 10 more years, then you wait 10 more years.

 

What's the rush of getting married anyway? What'll change for you that you NEED to get married within the next few years?

 

I know he is right about a lot of things in this. We are not financially stable. We both have jobs (I work two jobs) but since we go to school full-time we both live at home with our parents and rely on them for a lot of things. However, I do not wish to get married right away.

 

Wait, so there's no point to this thread. Just end it here. You want him to propose... that's all you want. You just want him to "promise" you that you two are getting married so that you can get over your feelings of insecurity. You just want to go up to your friends and show them the ring. You are saying it YOURSELF that you don't want to get married for YEARS. So why are you having doubts!?!?! All you want is the PROPOSAL and the SURE thought of getting married.

 

 

He says he would like to have a two year engagement and I tell him this would be perfect so we could get married in two years after we finish college and get jobs but he still pushes it out of sight. [/QUOtE]

 

Why are you putting a timeline on this? Why don't YOU juse propose to HIM? You are basically telling him:

 

I love you, but I'm going to tell you when you have to propose, when you have to marry me and then I'm going to tell you how the rest of our lives are going to go.

 

JUST LET HIM LEAD and stop trying to take the lead from him.

 

Am I being unreasonable? We will be 20 this year and I want more than anything for us to have the best life forever. So should I just wait for God's plan to be fulfilled and accept that it will happen when it happens?

 

Yes, you are being unreasonable for all of the reasons I've given above.

[MusicChick24]

You should be happy that he's not willing to rush into such a HUGE step.

 

 

 

Okay... so much here in one paragraph.

First of all, forget what your friends say: They are dumb.

They are NOT in this relationship with him, YOU ARE. If they told you that all women only do it cowgirl style now and not missionary... would you just follow their advice blindly? It's truly sad to see people use their "friends" as a justification to a way of thinking. Forget the comments. That is NONE of their business.

 

BTW, most of my old friends from high school that got married early and had kids are either: (A) Divorced and miserable (B) Still married and miserable.

 

I know of only ONE couple from my highschool that are still married and happy out of maybe 10.

 

Don't use other people's lives to gauge your own. That's just foolish. You are only in college. 6 years of a relationship is NOTHING when you're barely 20. You are TOO young to even correctly make an assessment of what's right for you... Know how I can tell? You give too much weight to what other people are doing or saying to you. And if you put so much into God's plan, than why rush? You know full well that if it is HIS plan for you to wait 10 more years, then you wait 10 more years.

 

What's the rush of getting married anyway? What'll change for you that you NEED to get married within the next few years?

 

 

 

Wait, so there's no point to this thread. Just end it here. You want him to propose... that's all you want. You just want him to "promise" you that you two are getting married so that you can get over your feelings of insecurity. You just want to go up to your friends and show them the ring. You are saying it YOURSELF that you don't want to get married for YEARS. So why are you having doubts!?!?! All you want is the PROPOSAL and the SURE thought of getting married.

 

 

 

 

Why are you putting a timeline on this? Why don't YOU juse propose to HIM? You are basically telling him:

 

I love you, but I'm going to tell you when you have to propose, when you have to marry me and then I'm going to tell you how the rest of our lives are going to go.

 

JUST LET HIM LEAD and stop trying to take the lead from him.

 

 

 

Yes, you are being unreasonable for all of the reasons I've given above.

 

 

Diezel,

 

You are 100% correct about everything. What you said about the friends is what my bf is always saying to me.

 

I do believe for some twisted reason I do want to KNOW we are getting married for sure even though it is not practical at this time to actually get married. I won't propose to him because I know that as a man he wants to propose because he feels that is his right. I know because he told me.

 

I really believe what you said and I'm going to take your advice and just let him do his thing. He has made it clear to me he wants to propose and if he isn't ready yet I should respect that and wait patiently or I will end up either divorced or unhappy or both.

 

THANKS!

[MusicChick24]

I feel exactly the same

 

 

Have you had any kind of sexual contact with your bf ? If you have, than you arent serving the lord the way he wants you to are you ?

 

And if you reply saying "no" and its a lie, than that also is going against gods word.

 

If you think god has brought you together, then why do you need a piece of paper to say its true ?

 

isnt gods word much higher than that ?

 

We wont see her again, she is too young and has no idea how to stand up for what she said about her faith.

 

(like most people that follow religion, because most are just blind followers, sheep, that have no clue WHY they follow something.)

 

No we have not had sexual contact. We made a vow to abstain until marriage. When giving advice abstain from putting your religious views in. I asked for advice NOT criticism.

[MusicChick24]

Using god as a factor of your relationship concerns is risky. For most religious people god is a guideline for living not a 3rd party in the relationship The mere fact you have concerns shows you arent happy and that in your religion god is trying to tell you that you AREN'T happy. That's not his plan for happiness to implant doubt within people.

 

Since I am an athiest I obviously am biased against your faith system, but I know religions well and what they mean and to me what you said is backwards.

 

If god had given you a plan to be happy with this man, he wouldnt give you doubts which make you question his love and commitment, god would give HIM the internal struggle and instill that "you must committ to this girl if you love her"

 

The emphasis wouldn't be on you if he had a plan for your coupling.

 

God does not give doubts people trick themselves into doubt and I know that I have tricked myself. Once again, when I ask for advice do not argue with my theology and what I believe because you can't take that from me just stick with my relationship questions. Why disagree with me being a Christian and what God means to me? If you can't offer useful advice DON'T POST!

[aerogurl87]

Ok I understand where your boyfriend is coming from, but if he's committed to you then why rush to be engaged? My boyfriend is a Christian and we want to get married one day, but that's years away as we both know. Yeah I look forward to the day where he'll one day call me his wife, but if things aren't right financially, emotionally, and mentally for you two to tie the knot soon, why rush? Just be happy your boyfriend is committed to you at this age. Not many 20 year olds have marriage on their mind when it comes to dating, I should know I had to date quite a few frogs to get to my boyfriend now. So be patient and wait, if it's God's will that you two be together it will happen.

[Ruby Slippers]

It is very common for Christians to meet their partner young and get married right out of college. He likely has the same immaturity and skittishness about commitment that most guys his age do. What you've got going for you, though, is his beliefs about "God's plan". If he's very committed to his religious beliefs, those will strongly support commitment and deter cheating, divorce, etc.

 

Part of the Western Christian myths is man as head of household. So your part is the trusting, loving, and ultimately submissive girlfriend/wife. To maintain integrity within his belief system, your guy needs to feel as though he is the leader.

 

I am agnostic and think the notion of "God's plan" is a fairy tale. But millions of Christians live happy fairy tale lives when they REALLY buy into the myths.

[Mr White]

No we have not had sexual contact. We made a vow to abstain until marriage. When giving advice abstain from putting your religious views in. I asked for advice NOT criticism.

 

Here's my advice: start using your own head to plan your life rather than base it on an old book written by marginally literate people. Others have already pointed to some of the inevitable contradictions that will pop up once you try to do that, most notably as you've noted, that your state of doubt is already a manifestation of lack of faith in your "Father". Most of the advice you'll get here is rational, not religious. Just saying that you may want to go see your pastor instead of expecting smooth validation of your beliefs here..

[MusicChick24]

Here's my advice: start using your own head to plan your life rather than base it on an old book written by marginally literate people. Others have already pointed to some of the inevitable contradictions that will pop up once you try to do that, most notably as you've noted, that your state of doubt is already a manifestation of lack of faith in your "Father". Most of the advice you'll get here is rational, not religious. Just saying that you may want to go see your pastor instead of expecting smooth validation of your beliefs here..

 

I pray for you all criticizing my religion. If you do not agree with my beliefs that is your business but do not say I need to "use my head". If you can not give unbiased advice then I do not need your advice!

 

Thank you to everyone else who gave such wonderful advice. I have been unreasonable and I do need to step back and realize that I am only 20 years old and I have the rest of my life and it is not necessary to rush.