Author Ellin Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) I'm a single guy involved in an affair withe a MW. We fell in love talk about marriage, etc. While it makes perfect logical sense the concept of dating someone else fails miserably in my situation for a few reasons. The time alone can be long, lonely, and unpredictable. Many times I pondered this thought and attempted to act on it. Just couldn't do it. First off my MW is extremely jealous, I mean like no one I have ever met in my life. After many jealous rages I figured out her jealousy is out of fear of losing me. Even a comment on a face book page can make her fly off the handle for days. I agree with Hazyhead, your MW has no "right" to be jealous. It seems like you have great empathy and try to understand her feelings and make excuses for the way she treats you. You make a lot of effort to put yourself in her "shoes", but she doesn't seem to have equal concern about your feelings. She's jealous when you go on a date, but it's ok for her to have a life with another man? I really do know what it feels like for you, but it just seems like you two are on very unequal terms. However, if she really is going to make her exit then you have no need to date others. But you tried to do that recently, so what was the reason for that? Are you unsure about the reliability of her promises? But I also wanted to add that this jealousy is not a good sign for the future, should you end up together. If she's like that now, she's likely to be the same in any situation, even if the two of you had a "normal" R. It could be a trait of an insecure, controlling, perhaps abusive personality I am in love with her. I can't stop thinking about her. Even out for dinner in the company of a female friend I just wish it was my MW. It's normal to feel that way. No one can "replace" that special person you have feelings for, so you shouldn't expect to fall in love with someone else so easily. But you could at least give it a chance and instead of thinking the whole time how much better it is with your MW, focus on whatever is nice about the lady you're spending time with. Just for that moment. I don't want to suck someone into my situation. On one hand I'm a wanna be home wrecker, yet I don't want to hurt a woman by luring her in. Not at all fair to use someone on temporary basis. There would have to be deceit involved. The whole idea is to do it without deceiving anyone. To be able to tell the MW/MM that if they are not prepared to give you as much as you are prepared to give them, then you have the right to keep your options open and see other people and if you do happen to meet someone you like, then you'll just move on. So no deception here. It is also posiible to be open with the potential date, althought not necessarily with all the details right in the beginning. In this way you leave the other person a choice whether to go further or not. I don't want to lose her. In this affair business one has to keep themselves flexible. When is the next rendezvous? My life is complicated enough. I've made a choice that the loneliness and uncertainty caused by the affair are less painful and stressful than the juggling act that would be caused by dating. The "juggling act" does not have to be that stressful if it's done in the right way. But it seems like not wanting to lose her is your main concern and you are prepared to do and bear anything, any kind of hardship, inconvenience or sacrifice. You're not treating yourself very well in this R. Another thing that stood out is what you said about having to be flexible. The worst thing one can do in an A is to run at every click of MM/MW's fingers, be always ready because their time is limited. Again - this big imbalance and putting one's life on hold for their AP, who is not giving that much in return. That's exactly why I started this thread. Edited June 30, 2010 by Ellin
flutterbykiss Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 It's normal to feel that way. No one can "replace" that special person you have feelings for, so you shouldn't expect to fall in love with someone else so easily. But you could at least give it a chance and instead of thinking the whole time how much better it is with your MW, focus on whatever is nice about the lady you're spending time with. Just for that moment. Judging by my own experience and those of others posted here, it seems that (no matter what the outcome is) trying to date is a pretty good method of clarifying our thoughts and emotions concerning the A and the MM/MW. Maybe that, in itself, is a good enough reason to at least consider it. I know it's not the reason for dating that you were suggesting, Ellin, but it seems to me that A's require so much more emotional energy than a 'normal' R and it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of having an opportunity to see the MM/MW. Maybe it's healthy for all that emotional intensity to be challenged occasionally to see if there is anything more substantial beneath it. Another thing that stood out is what you said about having to be flexible. The worst thing one can do in an A is to run at every click of MM/MW's fingers, be always ready because their time is limited. Again - this big imbalance and putting one's life on hold for their AP, who is not giving that much in return. You are SO right! One of my favourite sayings is: you teach people how to treat you. Another is: To have things the way you want you have to give up the way they are. Sure, by being less flexible you might miss out on time with the MM/MW a few times but you start to gain control over your own life and you show the MM/MW that your time is valuable too.
Author Ellin Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Judging by my own experience and those of others posted here, it seems that (no matter what the outcome is) trying to date is a pretty good method of clarifying our thoughts and emotions concerning the A and the MM/MW. Maybe that, in itself, is a good enough reason to at least consider it. I know it's not the reason for dating that you were suggesting, Ellin, but it seems to me that A's require so much more emotional energy than a 'normal' R and it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of having an opportunity to see the MM/MW. Maybe it's healthy for all that emotional intensity to be challenged occasionally to see if there is anything more substantial beneath it. I understand, I just wonder how much of this emotional intensity is due to the fact that the AP is unavailable, I'm sure that the percentage is pretty high. So is it really worth it with all the sacrifices that OW/OM make? We think we have a diamond, but maybe it's just a piece of polished glass You are SO right! One of my favourite sayings is: you teach people how to treat you. Another is: To have things the way you want you have to give up the way they are. Sure, by being less flexible you might miss out on time with the MM/MW a few times but you start to gain control over your own life and you show the MM/MW that your time is valuable too. You're very right, too. But to be completely honest I'm not exactly living this wisdom... I'm trying though.... Also wanted to add that there can be another upside to being less flexible - you'll find out how much he actually cares (if you're ready for the truth)...
flutterbykiss Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I understand, I just wonder how much of this emotional intensity is due to the fact that the AP is unavailable, I'm sure that the percentage is pretty high. So is it really worth it with all the sacrifices that OW/OM make? In my opinion, no - not if it's just for the thrill of the situation or there aren't genuine underlying feelings for both parties. If there is a good reason to stay then I guess everybody in every relationship makes sacrifices but... geez, it's a good idea to be sure it's worth it. Also wanted to add that there can be another upside to being less flexible - you'll find out how much he actually cares (if you're ready for the truth)... I think dating is also a good way of finding this out and of being less flexible. As I said, my MM HATED me seeing a new BF (and it seriously cut down on our time together) but he didn't fight it because he said I deserve all the things he can't give me at the moment. It really showed me where his heart was at
MizFit Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 She's planning on leaving her marriage. This has become a physical affair for a year now. It's taking its toll on us both. She's using xanax to calm her nerves. Lately she started therapy to plan her exit strategy. She doesn't want to hurt her husband. She describes her marriage akin to a brother-sister relationship. We've know each other for about 40 years - childhood friends. While one can say she has no right to be jealous I can understand how people can feel that way. I get angry at times - mostly at myself. I've started down the dating path - meet someone for coffee plan a second date, but back out. Just cant bring myself to deceive other people, complicate my life, and lose everyone. Yes I see this just cant go on forever. When will I reach my breaking point - I dont know. Wish I had a crystal ball Not to be disrespectful, but who do you feel you're deceiving? MW has no say in the matter until she is D, or at least out of the house and well on the way. Any woman you have a date with is probably going to be just that a date. When you meet for coffee and then plan a second date are you figuring out where to register for the wedding gifts? Or are you merely spending time together because they're a nice person and you enjoy their company? In a lifetime you can date hundreds of people...how many do you have serious, longterm relationships with? I think you'll figure out the percentage is pretty low. Do they need to know you're seeing other people...if it comes up, yes. If it doesn't come up, no. You would be dating...you'd be meeting people and enjoying a full social life. What is deceitful in that? As far as complicating your life...I believe you said in an earlier post that you don't have time because you need to be available for MW etc...stop it. If you have a date and it's Friday night and MW says she can meet you...you have plans. If she questions you as to what your plans are you tell her with no drama and no embellishment. Just in case you come back and tell me I don't understand or that I must not love my MM...I've been with him through 14 months and 3 Ddays...I love him dearly, but he is only a small part of my life because that's all I can be of his. He isn't able to rearrange commitments for me and I don't rearrange for him. It's not being disrespectful or deceitful...it's giving myself as much power as he has. Good luck...go out and enjoy yourself. Take someone for a walk in the park on Sunday afternoon...go see a movie...go to a museum and laugh at the modern art and then have a coffee...go traipse around a market. These are not things that will put any pressure on you...you can read when someone is THAT interested and you can decide from there what you want to do.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 It was clear from your first post in this thread that you think As are immoral and wrong and you only appeared on the scene to tell us that, so basically it does not really matter to you whether someone is faithful to their AP and tell them the truth or not the bolded part had me rolling:lmao:
Mombot Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 It is likely many single AP's do not have relations with others. Having an affair does not make you a wild bed hopper, no matter what you think.
Recommended Posts