BB07 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Back when I was in the affair with my stbdmm, I just couldn't date anyone else because everything was focused on him. Anyway.....it really took me about a year of being with him exclusively before I realized that I was going to have to move on because what I had originally thought was just going to be a short move back to his marriage, was one of those, who the hell knows when he is going to leave and sometimes I wondered if he was ever going to leave. Anyway....the few friends that knew of the affair encouraged me to date, get out there, so I did. In hindsight, it was a big mistake. I didn't allow myself time to grieve or even begin to heal from the relationship with MM and my self esteem had took a beating so I was vulnerable and I wasn't up to making good choices. The relationship that I got involved in seemed great to start with, just what I needed, I thought. It turned out to be the worst relationship I've ever been in, in my life. He was emotionally abusive and extremely jealous, controlling and the list goes on. It damaged me, forever changed me. So......I would caution anyone not to jump right into another relationship if you haven't allowed yourself time to grieve and heal from the relationship with the mm.
VelveteenBunny Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) Well, it is PERFECTLY reasonable and the MM has no right to object, but some women aren't comfortable being with multiple partners when they are in love, even if he is with someone else. Also, not all MM's are really with their wives in a romantic or sexual way anymore, so it might feel to some OW that their MM is monogamous. However, he isn't entirely commited to them, obviously, given he won't leave his wife for them. Yet, some women who might be comfortable being with multiple partners if her bf was polyamorous, might not feel comfortable having other partners, if she feels that he is technically monogamous and isn't romantically or sexually involved with his wife. Some might even feel diff. if they simply feel he's only involved with her in that way because he feels he is obligated. Also, even if a woman is fine with being with multiple people in general, MM's already have limited time for the OW, so she might not want to further limit that time by using free time on other men. This also works with MW and OM/OW or MM and OM. And actually in gay couplings, comes in the question, is the married person bi or gay? If totally gay, then while their actions say polyamorous, they would be feeling platonically for the person they're m to. Edited June 25, 2010 by VelveteenBunny
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 It is quite clear that when your AP is M and has no intention of leaving, you can't be expected to be exclusive with him/her (although some MM/MW seem to expect that from the OW/OM). But when promises are made and kept to varying degree but because change is happening too slowly or not satisfactory enough, the OW/OM are still not sure where they're standing, then it may be hard to find the right balance, when it comes to dating others. Exactly and that's why I said that if he was promising me an end to the M it would change things dramatically. Keep in mind they would be short timeframes and they would have to be met.
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 But perhaps when you are deeply in love with someone, it can at least partially block your ability to develop feelings for someone else, that you could otherwise be interested in? No...that's why I said what I did. I was seeing someone I was fond of and I was, in essence, settling for that fondness. Enter MM...even before I knew I loved him the guy I was fond of was blown out of the water. Now...I love my MM with all of my heart...I date regularly and not one of the men has come close to what I feel for MM now nor what I felt for him in the early days. I'm not one who believes that you can be fond of someone and grow it into a huge love...I'm also not one who will ever 'settle' for less than the love I had with my exH and what I have with MM. There may be a day when that love is eclipsed by wanting more or having had enough or he may take the decision to do the work on his M that's needed...if that happens I'll date regularly until I find someone who fills his shoes. If I don't then I'll be alone and living my life till I leave this mortal coil. I would rather have part of an amazing love than all of a comfortable fondness.
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Well, it is PERFECTLY reasonable and the MM has no right to object, but some women aren't comfortable being with multiple partners when they are in love, even if he is with someone else. Also, not all MM's are really with their wives in a romantic or sexual way anymore, so it might feel to some OW that their MM is monogamous. However, he isn't entirely commited to them, obviously, given he won't leave his wife for them. Yet, some women who might be comfortable being with multiple partners if her bf was polyamorous, might not feel comfortable having other partners, if she feels that he is technically monogamous and isn't romantically or sexually involved with his wife. Some might even feel diff. if they simply feel he's only involved with her in that way because he feels he is obligated. Also, even if a woman is fine with being with multiple people in general, MM's already have limited time for the OW, so she might not want to further limit that time by using free time on other men. This also works with MW and OM/OW or MM and OM. And actually in gay couplings, comes in the question, is the married person bi or gay? If totally gay, then while their actions say polyamorous, they would be feeling platonically for the person they're m to. I think one of the reasons it's easy for me is that I don't sleep around...unless there's some sort of future (not marriage and living happily ever after, but intending on being exclusive and seeing how things develop) then the relationship is platonic. Having said that MM has no idea who I'm seeing or how often I've seen them so he has no reference to what's going on. If I ask questions about his W he will tell me the truth, no matter how painful and he knows the same is true when he asks me something about my personal life. Believe me...we've both been hurt by asking questions we really didn't want to have the answers to.
MorningCoffee Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) Now...I love my MM with all of my heart...I date regularly and not one of the men has come close to what I feel for MM now nor what I felt for him in the early days. Mizfit: I went on a few dates while in my A, and I quickly realized I had no business dating, as I felt I was cheating . . . and it was unfair to the women I was asking out. I am curious as to what you tell the guy (assuming more than an initial date or two) who's getting more involved w/ you and wants the same from you . . . and when you say it. Edited June 25, 2010 by MorningCoffee
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Mizfit: I went on a few dates while in my A, and I quickly realized I had no business dating, as I felt I was cheating . . . and it was unfair to the women I was asking out. I am curious as to what you tell the guy (assuming more than an initial date or two) whose getting more involved w/ you and wants the same from you . . . and when you say it. I say nothing unless they ask. If I'm dating I'm getting to know someone. When it becomes exclusive then they'll have the right to ask...if they ask for details I'd say the same as anyone else-I've been seeing someone I'm really fond of, but I think what we might have is worth taking the risk on. If anyone asks past that then they'll get the truth. I'm not hiding anything...it wouldn't matter who I was dating, I wouldn't offer details to someone else. I do have to say the first few times out I felt like I was cheating as well, but I soon got over it. I like to be out with men and I love to cook and I love to have someone over for a pizza and a movie. MM isn't here to do that with so I date...the risk and to some degree the hope is that I find someone to offer it all. Until that comes I'm very content as it is.
Lizzie60 Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Hi All! What's your opinion about the following scenario as a remedy for a Single Person finding themselves in an A with a MP. You have got involved for whatever reason, you're in love now. Hope for some future together, perhaps this has been promised but then the ride on the rollercoaster begins and you're waiting for a change and hurting more and more. Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye? Not only is it reasonable.. it should be like that... If a single person doesn't date others while with MP, he/she's putting her/himself not available for probably a better opportunity.. I find it a little pathetic.. (loserish).. btdt.. but I was very young..
Silly_Girl Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Mizfit: I went on a few dates while in my A, and I quickly realized I had no business dating, as I felt I was cheating . . . and it was unfair to the women I was asking out. I am curious as to what you tell the guy (assuming more than an initial date or two) who's getting more involved w/ you and wants the same from you . . . and when you say it. Totally, that's how I felt. Being true to me... it mattered not that the love of my liife was binded to someone else, I felt my heart was taken and it didn't matter what the object of my affections was doing. Like now, I have found myself in a full-on situation with a great guy, and I left the situation because I love someone else. He'll never be mine, he has his own life, but I physically am not yet able to move on. I will one day, but not today.
Author Ellin Posted June 26, 2010 Author Posted June 26, 2010 Totally, that's how I felt. Being true to me... it mattered not that the love of my liife was binded to someone else, I felt my heart was taken and it didn't matter what the object of my affections was doing. Like now, I have found myself in a full-on situation with a great guy, and I left the situation because I love someone else. He'll never be mine, he has his own life, but I physically am not yet able to move on. I will one day, but not today. Dating doesn't necessarily mean a fully physical relationship. There's no need to rush into anything. It's just about giving oneself a chance to meet someone else, be out there, meet people and about distracting oneself from obsessing about the one person, who is already attached to another. It's also about balance, fairness??
Silly_Girl Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Dating doesn't necessarily mean a fully physical relationship. There's no need to rush into anything. It's just about giving oneself a chance to meet someone else, be out there, meet people and about distracting oneself from obsessing about the one person, who is already attached to another. It's also about balance, fairness?? Definitely It'd feel totally wrong to date someone now, whilst in this frame of mind. I'm not obsessing, but I'm hurting, healing and taking stock. The man in question is lovely many times over, I've known him for around a year, but I couldn't bear to kiss him even as a start. I thought I could and the whole adventure seemed like such a good idea... I'll be ready one day, just not yet.
flutterbykiss Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 There's no need to rush into anything. It's just about giving oneself a chance to meet someone else, be out there, meet people and about distracting oneself from obsessing about the one person, who is already attached to another. It's also about balance, fairness?? I guess it totally depends on the nature A. There are some situations where MM/MW does put their A before the person they are married to. I can honestly say that I've never been stood up or let down or made to feel second place to the BW but I certainly did all those things to my MM when I tried to date someone else. In my case it's fairer not to date (but I gather that my situation is rather unique). I'm all for 'what's good for him is good for me'. SG, good for you. Not many people are evolved enough to put a healthy mental state before revenge and hurt pride. I think a lot of OW/OM and fOM/fOW date just to try to prove that they aren't hurt by the A and end up hurting themselves and innocent parties. It's nice to see someone choosing her actions based on healthy, rational reasoning not jealousy, rage and fear. Congrats
Dexter Morgan Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Huh??..... did I type too fast for you? you seem to think telling a MM that you'll be messing around with other men will get him to help wreck his home more easily and leave his family. how much more clear can I make it?
MizFit Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 did I type too fast for you? you seem to think telling a MM that you'll be messing around with other men will get him to help wreck his home more easily and leave his family. how much more clear can I make it? Maybe she typed a bit too fast for you...that's not what she's saying. She's simply saying that if he has someone in his life then why can't you have someone in yours. The MM always has the choice of going back and making the marriage work so rather than be just waiting for the other shoe to drop go out and enjoy your life. I know you'll come back again with just break it off and that's fine, but you and I both know that's not the reality. Neither is it the reality of most OW or OM to date and look for someone to fill the void.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Maybe she typed a bit too fast for you...that's not what she's saying. She's simply saying that if he has someone in his life then why can't you have someone in yours. The MM always has the choice of going back and making the marriage work so rather than be just waiting for the other shoe to drop go out and enjoy your life. she wanted to know if it was a good "remedy" and then said the following: "Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye?" Now I figure you are an intelligent woman and can read between the lines. The point in telling her MM this is to say "if you don't get your act together and leave your family, then I'll leave you if the right guy comes along"
Author Ellin Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 she wanted to know if it was a good "remedy" and then said the following: "Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye?" Now I figure you are an intelligent woman and can read between the lines. The point in telling her MM this is to say "if you don't get your act together and leave your family, then I'll leave you if the right guy comes along" All I can say is that you clearly fill the spaces "between the lines" with whatever you want or are able to see there, because that is not at all what I was saying. But out of curiosity and since you (very clearly) hint on morality, do you think it is more appropriate to be in an A with a MP and remain loyal and faithful to them or perhaps even encourage them to stay with their W or H and kids while the A continues? What's your point (and do you have any)?
Author Ellin Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Definitely It'd feel totally wrong to date someone now, whilst in this frame of mind. I'm not obsessing, but I'm hurting, healing and taking stock. The man in question is lovely many times over, I've known him for around a year, but I couldn't bear to kiss him even as a start. I thought I could and the whole adventure seemed like such a good idea... I'll be ready one day, just not yet. I understand that totally. I have the same emotional make-up, when I'm in love with a man I cannot feel any attraction to others. I know how hard it is. Easier said than done. But I'm trying to think of it as something that can possibly create a way out for someone who is not happy in an A situation but feels unable to leave. As an alternative to going NC, which is something that doesn't work for me.
Author Ellin Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Maybe she typed a bit too fast for you...that's not what she's saying. She's simply saying that if he has someone in his life then why can't you have someone in yours. The MM always has the choice of going back and making the marriage work so rather than be just waiting for the other shoe to drop go out and enjoy your life. I know you'll come back again with just break it off and that's fine, but you and I both know that's not the reality. Neither is it the reality of most OW or OM to date and look for someone to fill the void. Thank you MizFit. Yes, it is about balance and keeping your sanity and, as I wrote before, giving oneself a chance to move on and make a life with a SP, provided that all is done with honesty and without lying and hiding things from anyone involved. I wanted to know the opinions and experiences of other posters.
Author Ellin Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I guess it totally depends on the nature A. There are some situations where MM/MW does put their A before the person they are married to. I can honestly say that I've never been stood up or let down or made to feel second place to the BW but I certainly did all those things to my MM when I tried to date someone else. In my case it's fairer not to date (but I gather that my situation is rather unique). I'm all for 'what's good for him is good for me'. Hi, Flutterbykiss, thanks for writing about your experience. It is interesting to hear from someone who feels so positive about their A and I perfectly understand why in this case you are happy to stick to him only. SG, good for you. Not many people are evolved enough to put a healthy mental state before revenge and hurt pride. I think a lot of OW/OM and fOM/fOW date just to try to prove that they aren't hurt by the A and end up hurting themselves and innocent parties. It's nice to see someone choosing her actions based on healthy, rational reasoning not jealousy, rage and fear. Congrats I guess you just write about some OW/OM in general but starting this thread I never had in mind actions based on any of these feelings.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 All I can say is that you clearly fill the spaces "between the lines" with whatever you want or are able to see there, because that is not at all what I was saying. then tell us, what is the point of telling a MM that? But out of curiosity and since you (very clearly) hint on morality, do you think it is more appropriate to be in an A with a MP and remain loyal and faithful to them or perhaps even encourage them to stay with their W or H and kids while the A continues? its not appropriate no matter how you slice it. You are screwing around with a MM for god's sake. Point out the appropriateness there please. ]What's your point (and do you have any)? Its clear you do not. Otherwise you'd come right out and say what the "point" is of telling the MM that.
Author Ellin Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) then tell us, what is the point of telling a MM that? How about communicating in an honest and open manner - could it be a good enough explanation for you? its not appropriate no matter how you slice it. You are screwing around with a MM for god's sake. Point out the appropriateness there please. It was clear from your first post in this thread that you think As are immoral and wrong and you only appeared on the scene to tell us that, so basically it does not really matter to you whether someone is faithful to their AP and tell them the truth or not, but you just used the topic we are here discussing to further your moralistic agenda. You know what, whether As are wrong or not is not the subject of this thread and I would advise you to start your own thread, only this forum is not meant to be used for such purposes and it's against the rules, so why don't you read the pinned thread regarding this issue and stop wasting my time. Its clear you do not. Otherwise you'd come right out and say what the "point" is of telling the MM that. No, I wouldn't, for the above stated reasons. And also because of the fact that you attacked me without even knowing whether there is any truth in your accusations. I neither need nor wish to react to such behavior. Edited June 29, 2010 by Ellin
bettyrendad Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'm a single guy involved in an affair withe a MW. We fell in love talk about marriage, etc. While it makes perfect logical sense the concept of dating someone else fails miserably in my situation for a few reasons. The time alone can be long, lonely, and unpredictable. Many times I pondered this thought and attempted to act on it. Just couldn't do it. First off my MW is extremely jealous, I mean like no one I have ever met in my life. After many jealous rages I figured out her jealousy is out of fear of losing me. Even a comment on a face book page can make her fly off the handle for days. I am in love with her. I can't stop thinking about her. Even out for dinner in the company of a female friend I just wish it was my MW. I don't want to suck someone into my situation. On one hand I'm a wanna be home wrecker, yet I don't want to hurt a woman by luring her in. Not at all fair to use someone on temporary basis. There would have to be deceit involved. I don't want to lose her. In this affair business one has to keep themselves flexible. When is the next rendezvous? My life is complicated enough. I've made a choice that the loneliness and uncertainty caused by the affair are less painful and stressful than the juggling act that would be caused by dating.
Hazyhead Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 This makes me so sad. I understand being in that situation and the way you put your life on hold. I also feel angry on your behalf; how does she have the right to be jealous of you when she has a significant other? Are you prepared for the crumbs she has to offer you indefinitely? Does she intend to do anything about her situation? You are handing yourself over to someone who does not grant you the same in return. This situation, given how you feel about her and how obviously low it makes you is unsustainable. Or it should be. Be the change you want to see. (Somebody said that here recently and it's a great ethos for how we should live.) I'm a single guy involved in an affair withe a MW. We fell in love talk about marriage, etc. While it makes perfect logical sense the concept of dating someone else fails miserably in my situation for a few reasons. The time alone can be long, lonely, and unpredictable. Many times I pondered this thought and attempted to act on it. Just couldn't do it. First off my MW is extremely jealous, I mean like no one I have ever met in my life. After many jealous rages I figured out her jealousy is out of fear of losing me. Even a comment on a face book page can make her fly off the handle for days. I am in love with her. I can't stop thinking about her. Even out for dinner in the company of a female friend I just wish it was my MW. I don't want to suck someone into my situation. On one hand I'm a wanna be home wrecker, yet I don't want to hurt a woman by luring her in. Not at all fair to use someone on temporary basis. There would have to be deceit involved. I don't want to lose her. In this affair business one has to keep themselves flexible. When is the next rendezvous? My life is complicated enough. I've made a choice that the loneliness and uncertainty caused by the affair are less painful and stressful than the juggling act that would be caused by dating.
bettyrendad Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 She's planning on leaving her marriage. This has become a physical affair for a year now. It's taking its toll on us both. She's using xanax to calm her nerves. Lately she started therapy to plan her exit strategy. She doesn't want to hurt her husband. She describes her marriage akin to a brother-sister relationship. We've know each other for about 40 years - childhood friends. While one can say she has no right to be jealous I can understand how people can feel that way. I get angry at times - mostly at myself. I've started down the dating path - meet someone for coffee plan a second date, but back out. Just cant bring myself to deceive other people, complicate my life, and lose everyone. Yes I see this just cant go on forever. When will I reach my breaking point - I dont know. Wish I had a crystal ball
Dexter Morgan Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 How about communicating in an honest and open manner - could it be a good enough explanation for you? no, because that answer is a cop out. i can see you are going to dance around the question. so thanks anyway. I neither need nor wish to react to such behavior. Ah, but its ok to mess around with other people's lives in real life. oh brother:rolleyes:
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