Ellin Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi All! What's your opinion about the following scenario as a remedy for a Single Person finding themselves in an A with a MP. You have got involved for whatever reason, you're in love now. Hope for some future together, perhaps this has been promised but then the ride on the rollercoaster begins and you're waiting for a change and hurting more and more. Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye?
MizFit Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi All! What's your opinion about the following scenario as a remedy for a Single Person finding themselves in an A with a MP. You have got involved for whatever reason, you're in love now. Hope for some future together, perhaps this has been promised but then the ride on the rollercoaster begins and you're waiting for a change and hurting more and more. Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye? I do actively date and MM knows about it. He's made it clear from the start he isn't leaving home so I consider him a part of my life, but not the focus many other OW make their MM. He struggles with jealousy much more than I do. He knows there is a way around that and he also knows that when I meet someone who gives me what he doesn't then it'll be over. It came very close over the winter...oddly enough the 'date' and I broke up and a few weeks later we were smack dab in the middle of Dday 3. It's hard...it's very difficult to love someone so very much and see other people. It took me 6 months to get my head sorted, but I do still struggle at times. If he had ever made me promises of a future I couldn't do it...
Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I tried to date, for the reasons you state. Couldn't do it. Was too invested. I told him about the 2 dates I went on. He was gutted but knew he could never ask me not to. I once joked that for Christmas he could buy me a man who would cuddle me on the nights he wasn't around, he looked like I'd slapped him. I'll never forget how he looked. He was never jealous, or possessive, but there's 2 guys at work who regularly come on to me and he was quite grumbly about them. Hypocrite. I think what you say, Ellin, is perfectly reasonable and should be fine with the married AP.
jennie-jennie Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My MM knows that I am not going to let an opportunity go by. If someone appears on the scene whom I am drawn to, I am going to go for that. As long as he isn't committing fully to me, why should I commit fully to him?
Author Ellin Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Yes, it is reasonable and yes, it is not easy when you just bloody love someone. But I guess it's better than sitting at home crying.. Is there anyone here who wanted to do it, but decided against it because of the MM's reaction?
Author Ellin Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 I do actively date and MM knows about it. He's made it clear from the start he isn't leaving home so I consider him a part of my life, but not the focus many other OW make their MM. He struggles with jealousy much more than I do. He knows there is a way around that and he also knows that when I meet someone who gives me what he doesn't then it'll be over. It came very close over the winter...oddly enough the 'date' and I broke up and a few weeks later we were smack dab in the middle of Dday 3. It's hard...it's very difficult to love someone so very much and see other people. It took me 6 months to get my head sorted, but I do still struggle at times. If he had ever made me promises of a future I couldn't do it... That's interesting. So you wouldn't do it, if he promised you future but was staying M for the time being?
flutterbykiss Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Ellin, I've been there and I know how you feel. I told my MM that as he had a home life and a family, I shouldn't have to miss out on those things and that it would be fairer if I pursued a relationship of my own and continued seeing him on the side (just like he was doing). He wasn't happy but said he loved me and wanted me to be happy and wouldn't stop me so I started seeing someone else and it was a DISASTER!!!!! I tried to be upfront with both my MM and new BF but the BF couldn't handle it and demanded I leave MM. Big fights and lots of tears ensued with both so in the end I pretended to leave MM but kept seeing him behind the BF's back. After 3 months of that I left the BF (for many reasons) and regretably hurt him badly - he had developed feelings for me but I really only saw him as a good friend because my heart was so full of MM. In the end, all that I achieved was to cause unnecessary fights with MM and hurt an innocent party so I've decided to focus on my relationship with MM. Lets face it, if having a 'normal' relationship meant more to me than MM does then I would have just left. Consequently, I don't think it's fair to date someone who could develop feelings for you that you can't receiprocate because your heart is already taken. It's not meeting them on equal terms and it interferes with your relationship with your MM.
Hazyhead Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I wasn't single when the A started. I thought (at the time) we were on equal footing. When I found out the reasons why we weren't I was devastated. This was when I realised he had me hook, line and sinker - i was involved. I ended the R I was in (because my previous partner was/is a truly good man and did not deserve what I was doing to him) and tried to work on me, but MM gave me every promise in the Keep 'Em Hooked Cheater's Manual, and I only blame myself for going for them. It's easier said than done to date because even if you do (I did during the last pathetic attempt at NC) your mind is on Mr Attached and there's no easy way to shake that unless you completely shake them.
flutterbykiss Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Yes, it is reasonable and yes, it is not easy when you just bloody love someone. But I guess it's better than sitting at home crying.. Is there anyone here who wanted to do it, but decided against it because of the MM's reaction? Although it didn't stop my trying to date, it was the main reason I stopped. I lied to MM once and he found out and it gutted him. We have the deal that we put each other first and don't lie to each other. My new relationship messed with that so it had to go
Confused4Now Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Consequently, I don't think it's fair to date someone who could develop feelings for you that you can't receiprocate because your heart is already taken. It's not meeting them on equal terms and it interferes with your relationship with your MM.In my case I did date....but I also made sure I was very clear on the playing field. I told them I just got of a 21 year marriage and I was not planning on getting serious for sometime. I told them I wasn't looking for a booty call or FWB. I'm just trying to make new friends and when it happens it happens. All I know after my Affiar with my xMW it made me put up this big wall which is going to take some time to come down. but what I can do is be upfront and honest and deliver a message that doesn't sound like I'm a bitter old person who can't love down the road. All in good time it will happen. Like I've said focus on myself and my kids....I'm learning to have enough of myself so I don't need to be with someone. It's hard work but its working.....
fooled once Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) Hi All! What's your opinion about the following scenario as a remedy for a Single Person finding themselves in an A with a MP. You have got involved for whatever reason, you're in love now. Hope for some future together, perhaps this has been promised but then the ride on the rollercoaster begins and you're waiting for a change and hurting more and more. Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye? Why would a single person sit around and waste their life waiting on someone who is married and not date? Of course they should date! The married person has someone to sleep with, spend weekends with, travel with, come home to each day. Why shouldn't the single person? I also agree it isn't right to a potential new mate if you are only dating to piss off the MM. Not fair to string anyone along (not that anyone is). Flutterby, how can you and the MM have a deal to put each other first if he is married with a wife?? That confuses me, unless she is okay with him having an OW. Edited June 25, 2010 by fooled once
Mombot Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I am single and involved with a separated man- I received flowers at work this week. He is out of state for another couple weeks... so when he called, I thanked him. No, no card... and it wasn't from him. I think he was actually quite jealous, though he did say I give such good customer service at work it could be anyone, I don't know who they were from. I do not discuss other men with him. As he is not really available for a commitment, I feel I do not have to make one and my options are open. I love his company and will see him every chance I get, but I am aware he is not really free. And I am.
califnan Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I wonder how many would say that the new man didn't come into their life - Until they broke up with the MM.
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 That's interesting. So you wouldn't do it, if he promised you future but was staying M for the time being? Nope...I should have been a bit more clear. If he we sat down and he said 'I'll leave August 1st...I need to get myself sorted'...then I wouldn't do it. But then again if he were making promises like that I don't think I could stay on the rollercoaster so I may well not be in the A at this point anyway.
MizFit Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 I wonder how many would say that the new man didn't come into their life - Until they broke up with the MM. I know this isn't quite the same, but I was seeing someone and we were naturally moving to being exclusive when I met MM. I saw the difference almost immediately in how I felt for him and how I felt for MM...I've never knowingly 'settled' on someone for a relationship and I was dangerously close to doing it without realizing. So...if the query is whether or not you recognize love because a MM is there...I believe you do.
silverplanets Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hi All! What's your opinion about the following scenario as a remedy for a Single Person finding themselves in an A with a MP. You have got involved for whatever reason, you're in love now. Hope for some future together, perhaps this has been promised but then the ride on the rollercoaster begins and you're waiting for a change and hurting more and more. Well, since your AP is involved with you and someone else at the same time, wouldn't it be reasonable to tell them that while you wait for their decision/move, you leave your options open and cannot be expected to remain single? Tell them that you'll be looking for/dating other people and if anyone nice comes along, you'll be saying goodbye? xMW used to get seethingly jealous about this and would then come up with lines like "It seems to me like you're not commited to us" If you're "in love" with them it's extremely difficult to do actions which you know are going to hurt them ...
Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 If you're "in love" with them it's extremely difficult to do actions which you know are going to hurt them ... So I hear
Author Ellin Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 xMW used to get seethingly jealous about this and would then come up with lines like "It seems to me like you're not commited to us" If you're "in love" with them it's extremely difficult to do actions which you know are going to hurt them ... So.. it's not as difficult for "them" to do actions which hurt the OW/OM?
Author Ellin Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Ellin, I've been there and I know how you feel. I told my MM that as he had a home life and a family, I shouldn't have to miss out on those things and that it would be fairer if I pursued a relationship of my own and continued seeing him on the side (just like he was doing). He wasn't happy but said he loved me and wanted me to be happy and wouldn't stop me so I started seeing someone else and it was a DISASTER!!!!! I tried to be upfront with both my MM and new BF but the BF couldn't handle it and demanded I leave MM. Big fights and lots of tears ensued with both so in the end I pretended to leave MM but kept seeing him behind the BF's back. After 3 months of that I left the BF (for many reasons) and regretably hurt him badly - he had developed feelings for me but I really only saw him as a good friend because my heart was so full of MM. In the end, all that I achieved was to cause unnecessary fights with MM and hurt an innocent party so I've decided to focus on my relationship with MM. Lets face it, if having a 'normal' relationship meant more to me than MM does then I would have just left. Consequently, I don't think it's fair to date someone who could develop feelings for you that you can't receiprocate because your heart is already taken. It's not meeting them on equal terms and it interferes with your relationship with your MM. Hi, Flutterbykiss, thank for your reply and sharing your experience. I know it's not easy. I believe in this scenario the OW/OM needs to just be honest with the person she/he is dating and say something along the lines of "I still have feelings for someone else but I'm trying to move on" or "I don't know if I can be serious about this right now". And the whole idea of dating is not to have a "normal" relationship at all cost.. on the side... but to be "out there" and give oneself a chance to meet someone else.. Unless of course the OW/OM is perfectly happy to be just that.
Author Ellin Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I wasn't single when the A started. I thought (at the time) we were on equal footing. When I found out the reasons why we weren't I was devastated. This was when I realised he had me hook, line and sinker - i was involved. I ended the R I was in (because my previous partner was/is a truly good man and did not deserve what I was doing to him) and tried to work on me, but MM gave me every promise in the Keep 'Em Hooked Cheater's Manual, and I only blame myself for going for them. It's easier said than done to date because even if you do (I did during the last pathetic attempt at NC) your mind is on Mr Attached and there's no easy way to shake that unless you completely shake them. That's where it gets complicated. Dating other people is meant to be an attempt to shake off those feelings. How else can you shake them more effectively BEFORE you start dating?
Author Ellin Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Nope...I should have been a bit more clear. If he we sat down and he said 'I'll leave August 1st...I need to get myself sorted'...then I wouldn't do it. But then again if he were making promises like that I don't think I could stay on the rollercoaster so I may well not be in the A at this point anyway. It is quite clear that when your AP is M and has no intention of leaving, you can't be expected to be exclusive with him/her (although some MM/MW seem to expect that from the OW/OM). But when promises are made and kept to varying degree but because change is happening too slowly or not satisfactory enough, the OW/OM are still not sure where they're standing, then it may be hard to find the right balance, when it comes to dating others.
Author Ellin Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 I know this isn't quite the same, but I was seeing someone and we were naturally moving to being exclusive when I met MM. I saw the difference almost immediately in how I felt for him and how I felt for MM...I've never knowingly 'settled' on someone for a relationship and I was dangerously close to doing it without realizing. So...if the query is whether or not you recognize love because a MM is there...I believe you do. But perhaps when you are deeply in love with someone, it can at least partially block your ability to develop feelings for someone else, that you could otherwise be interested in?
2sure Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Its a great idea in theory but for me it didnt work. Even though I never envisioned a future with any of the MM I was involved with...I was involved just enough that I also was not emotionally open to another relationship. I would date great guys but wonder why there was no chemistry...it was because I was involved with MM. So, you tell yourself you are open, but really you may not be. Also, as ironic as it sounds...even though I was seeing MM, and had several affairs with different ones...I am pretty monogamous by nature...so I just wasnt into sex or intimacy with more than one guy. I had no moral issue with it, but I just wasnt interested.
silverplanets Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 So.. it's not as difficult for "them" to do actions which hurt the OW/OM? apparently not which is why, at some point, it begins to dawn that they don't "love" you in the same way as you "love" them
Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 apparently not which is why, at some point, it begins to dawn that they don't "love" you in the same way as you "love" them So true :( You're often right SP
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