I saw xMM today....Ouch!!

[hopeless4u]

So its happened, him came into my office for a meeting. The moment I have been dreading, as you all know.

There was a second when he walked behind my chair (I had no idea he was there and I don't think he knew I was either), I heard people behind me and looked round, as you do and WHAM, eye contact and we both were like rabbits caught in headlights!!

 

I turned away the second our eyes met and froze, he then went to his meeting behind my desk!!

 

I went to the 'ladies' room and gathered myself and went back into the office, sat down and thought 'I CAN DO THIS' and I DID!!!

 

No breaking down even though it felt like someone had just ripped my heart right out!

 

So his meeting ends and he starts to leave the office, I look up and he is looking right at me with those 'puppy dog' eyes and every feeling I ever had for him came right back, the love, the pain, all of it!

 

He just looked at me and kind of shrugged as if to say 'sorry, its just the way it has to be' he looked hurt, ashamed and most of all he looked tired.

 

I was really hoping that when I did see him I would be like 'so what' but not a chance I'm afraid....I still love him as much as I ever have.

 

One positive thing though, he didn't look at me like he hated me or like he blamed me and I guess that was always my biggest fear.

 

He left the office about 40 minutes before me but as I left I saw him sat in his car, he pulled out just as I left the building, not sure if he hung around to see me or not but I bolted accross the park as he sat at the traffic lights.

I then pulled along side him on the way home a couple of times but I have a new car and as far as I'm aware he didn't see me.

 

So I'm a little messed up right now, my head is all over the place but at least its done now, right?

[MizFit]

So its happened, him came into my office for a meeting. The moment I have been dreading, as you all know.

There was a second when he walked behind my chair (I had no idea he was there and I don't think he knew I was either), I heard people behind me and looked round, as you do and WHAM, eye contact and we both were like rabbits caught in headlights!!

 

I turned away the second our eyes met and froze, he then went to his meeting behind my desk!!

 

I went to the 'ladies' room and gathered myself and went back into the office, sat down and thought 'I CAN DO THIS' and I DID!!!

 

No breaking down even though it felt like someone had just ripped my heart right out!

 

So his meeting ends and he starts to leave the office, I look up and he is looking right at me with those 'puppy dog' eyes and every feeling I ever had for him came right back, the love, the pain, all of it!

 

He just looked at me and kind of shrugged as if to say 'sorry, its just the way it has to be' he looked hurt, ashamed and most of all he looked tired.

 

I was really hoping that when I did see him I would be like 'so what' but not a chance I'm afraid....I still love him as much as I ever have.

 

One positive thing though, he didn't look at me like he hated me or like he blamed me and I guess that was always my biggest fear.

 

He left the office about 40 minutes before me but as I left I saw him sat in his car, he pulled out just as I left the building, not sure if he hung around to see me or not but I bolted accross the park as he sat at the traffic lights.

I then pulled along side him on the way home a couple of times but I have a new car and as far as I'm aware he didn't see me.

 

So I'm a little messed up right now, my head is all over the place but at least its done now, right?

 

I'm so sorry...yes...it's done. Now you know that the next time you see him it will be hard. Guess what though...it won't be as hard as today was. Guess what else...I bet his head and heart are all over the place tonight.

 

Another victory girl...well proud of you even if you're feeling like there's nothing to be proud of!

[Thunderbolt]

Good job, I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. Running into my xmm has always been something I've been dreading. Being caught off guard is the worst. Just be strong knowing that he most likely was feeling all the same emotions as you.

[hopeless4u]

I'm so sorry...yes...it's done. Now you know that the next time you see him it will be hard. Guess what though...it won't be as hard as today was. Guess what else...I bet his head and heart are all over the place tonight.

 

Another victory girl...well proud of you even if you're feeling like there's nothing to be proud of!

Yeah it is a victory for me I guess, thankyou MizFit. My best friend also said she was proud of me!!

 

I did say that at least now I know I can see him without breaking down but I was shaking from head to toe!!

I checked the calendar when I got home and it has been 16wks NC, thats almost 4 months!!

[Circular]

Our minds and our hearts don't experience time the same way. Our minds can jump to conclusions but our hearts need a beginning and a closure. Almost every other type of 'normal' relationship follows that pattern of beginning to end and the ending is almost always like removing a tooth, back and forth, back and forth until it finally pops and we break free.

 

Your experience was in your head up until you saw him. But when you saw him your heart overrode your head and went exactly back to where it remembered you left off emotionally.... its an odd quirk of humankind. And its that strange thing, unless you can find a real reason to dislike him and purge him he's going to haunt you like a ghost.

 

It's like the voicemail I received a few weeks back, initially I thought 'Im moving on, Im over this, I can do it, NC for over 2 months' and when I heard the voicemail my rational brain was going through its normal 'why is she calling', 'how disrespectful', 'NC is whats right...' blah blah blah.... yet nor more than 30 minutes later I felt sick to my stomach and that wound was in a lot of pain.

 

Its a long road, be strong, write down why you are no longer with him and remind yourself of that as much as possible. That will help chip away at the splinter in your heart.

[hopeless4u]

Good job, I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. Running into my xmm has always been something I've been dreading. Being caught off guard is the worst. Just be strong knowing that he most likely was feeling all the same emotions as you.

Thanks TB, yeah I think his face said it all, still not sure if he knew that I would be there but yeah I think you are right about his emotions being rocked too.

[hopeless4u]

Our minds and our hearts don't experience time the same way. Our minds can jump to conclusions but our hearts need a beginning and a closure. Almost every other type of 'normal' relationship follows that pattern of beginning to end and the ending is almost always like removing a tooth, back and forth, back and forth until it finally pops and we break free.

 

Your experience was in your head up until you saw him. But when you saw him your heart overrode your head and went exactly back to where it remembered you left off emotionally.... its an odd quirk of humankind. And its that strange thing, unless you can find a real reason to dislike him and purge him he's going to haunt you like a ghost.

 

It's like the voicemail I received a few weeks back, initially I thought 'Im moving on, Im over this, I can do it, NC for over 2 months' and when I heard the voicemail my rational brain was going through its normal 'why is she calling', 'how disrespectful', 'NC is whats right...' blah blah blah.... yet nor more than 30 minutes later I felt sick to my stomach and that wound was in a lot of pain.

 

Its a long road, be strong, write down why you are no longer with him and remind yourself of that as much as possible. That will help chip away at the splinter in your heart.

Very true C, the part of this that I was really struggling with was the way he treated me at the end, like he hated me and blamed me and I guess from the look on his face today that is not the case so something positive, right?

[Hazyhead]

What a wonderful post, Circular. Thank you; you should pin this up as essential getting-over-a-relationship reading.

 

((((((((H4U)))))))) I think you did well. Done! I know your heart must ache for him right now, but you'll get on your way again. I'd hate to have to do what you did - see xMM, and I think you handled it with dignity. Well done. xxx

 

Our minds and our hearts don't experience time the same way. Our minds can jump to conclusions but our hearts need a beginning and a closure. Almost every other type of 'normal' relationship follows that pattern of beginning to end and the ending is almost always like removing a tooth, back and forth, back and forth until it finally pops and we break free.

 

Your experience was in your head up until you saw him. But when you saw him your heart overrode your head and went exactly back to where it remembered you left off emotionally.... its an odd quirk of humankind. And its that strange thing, unless you can find a real reason to dislike him and purge him he's going to haunt you like a ghost.

 

It's like the voicemail I received a few weeks back, initially I thought 'Im moving on, Im over this, I can do it, NC for over 2 months' and when I heard the voicemail my rational brain was going through its normal 'why is she calling', 'how disrespectful', 'NC is whats right...' blah blah blah.... yet nor more than 30 minutes later I felt sick to my stomach and that wound was in a lot of pain.

 

Its a long road, be strong, write down why you are no longer with him and remind yourself of that as much as possible. That will help chip away at the splinter in your heart.

[hopeless4u]

What a wonderful post, Circular. Thank you; you should pin this up as essential getting-over-a-relationship reading.

 

((((((((H4U)))))))) I think you did well. Done! I know your heart must ache for him right now, but you'll get on your way again. I'd hate to have to do what you did - see xMM, and I think you handled it with dignity. Well done. xxx

Thanks Hazy, yeah he's all I can think about right now, I do feel like I've gone backwards a bit but I am still 100% sure that I would not go back to the A. xxx

[Silly_Girl]

H4U, I think this is excellent. You done good!! But do be wary of your emotions. I know I would feel the ripples of this for quite a while, so don't be too hard on yourself, but remember why there isn't a 'you and him' and that there never can be.

 

But most of all, you got that hurdle out of the way, and it was a biggie.

[BB07]

H4u, you deserve big pats on the back.:D You handled it like a pro.

 

I know it made your head spin, but it will be alright. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.

 

Hugs......

[jj33]

Good for you you did it.

 

He should be ashamed. Hes still in the same position and still has NOTHING to offer you.

 

Keep strong you did great

[hopeless4u]

H4U, I think this is excellent. You done good!! But do be wary of your emotions. I know I would feel the ripples of this for quite a while, so don't be too hard on yourself, but remember why there isn't a 'you and him' and that there never can be.

 

But most of all, you got that hurdle out of the way, and it was a biggie.

Thanks SG, yeah I am very aware of my emotions right now. I knew seeing him would bring my feelings back to the surface as I have known all along I have just been pushing them away but never stopped feeling them. I do know though, I would never go back to the A, never!!

Yes a huge hurdle out of the way....phewww! lol

[hopeless4u]

H4u, you deserve big pats on the back.:D You handled it like a pro.

 

I know it made your head spin, but it will be alright. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.

 

Hugs......

Thanks BB, I did do better than I thought I would but it was a good job I was typing and not writing as my hands were shaking so bad but he didn't see that!!

[hopeless4u]

Good for you you did it.

 

He should be ashamed. Hes still in the same position and still has NOTHING to offer you.

 

Keep strong you did great

Yes JJ you are so right, nothing has changed for him or maybe it has and he's now happily M!! One thing for sure he doesn't have anything to offer me but I still can't even dislike him! GRRRRR!

[LostMe]

Wow! You did amazing H4u! Sometimes the fear of seeing them is worse than actually seeing them I think! Now at least you know how you react when completely unprepared- with total dignity! Good for you.

 

It gets easier from now on I promise...seeing my xMM gets a little less painful every time. I saw him today as he 'popped by' again and for the first time I didn't feel like a bit of me went with him when he left. Yay us!

[hopeless4u]

Wow! You did amazing H4u! Sometimes the fear of seeing them is worse than actually seeing them I think! Now at least you know how you react when completely unprepared- with total dignity! Good for you.

 

It gets easier from now on I promise...seeing my xMM gets a little less painful every time. I saw him today as he 'popped by' again and for the first time I didn't feel like a bit of me went with him when he left. Yay us!

Thanks for that LM, I really hope in time that him being in the same office as me is not a big deal but right now, not so I'm afraid.

Yes the fact that I handled it ok and as far as I know didn't raise any concerns with anyone else in the office is a huge step for me.

Onwards and upwards! Tomorrow is another day;-)

[Circular]

Very true C, the part of this that I was really struggling with was the way he treated me at the end, like he hated me and blamed me and I guess from the look on his face today that is not the case so something positive, right?

 

I think you were probably the target of his inner anger at himself; guilt, f'n up his life, bad choices, low self-esteem, etc.... It's a lot easier to blame someone else for our problems - if we have to realize we ourselves have a problem, well f that means we have to fix it.

 

I think what you saw was that even though he knows how things ended and that it can't be and he has regrets for treating you the way he did.

 

But, you also need to realize that those thoughts can make you 'feel' more again and pull you back in. I'd suggest taking some 'me' time and taking good care of yourself and realizing and appreciating all the great things in your life. That'll help you get back to center quickly

[White Flower]

H4U you did good!

 

I'm sorry all the feelings came right back up because that must smart, but at least you sense that he does not blame you for anything. His apologetic look tells you that he's going to try to make bumping into him as pleasant experience as he can which makes less stress when having to run into him at work.

 

Big hugs to you babe.

[califnan]

Thanks Hazy, yeah he's all I can think about right now, I do feel like I've gone backwards a bit but I am still 100% sure that I would not go back to the A. xxx

 

-------------------

 

Give yourself credit for knowing that women are very maternal creatures.. it's in our genes .. You probably hurt for him, and feel sorry for him as well..Wanted to take care of him, when you were together .. Just keep focussed ahead - as you have been ..

[fooled once]

So its happened, him came into my office for a meeting. The moment I have been dreading, as you all know.

There was a second when he walked behind my chair (I had no idea he was there and I don't think he knew I was either), I heard people behind me and looked round, as you do and WHAM, eye contact and we both were like rabbits caught in headlights!!

 

I turned away the second our eyes met and froze, he then went to his meeting behind my desk!!

 

I went to the 'ladies' room and gathered myself and went back into the office, sat down and thought 'I CAN DO THIS' and I DID!!!

 

No breaking down even though it felt like someone had just ripped my heart right out!

 

So his meeting ends and he starts to leave the office, I look up and he is looking right at me with those 'puppy dog' eyes and every feeling I ever had for him came right back, the love, the pain, all of it!

 

He just looked at me and kind of shrugged as if to say 'sorry, its just the way it has to be' he looked hurt, ashamed and most of all he looked tired.

 

I was really hoping that when I did see him I would be like 'so what' but not a chance I'm afraid....I still love him as much as I ever have.

 

One positive thing though, he didn't look at me like he hated me or like he blamed me and I guess that was always my biggest fear.

 

He left the office about 40 minutes before me but as I left I saw him sat in his car, he pulled out just as I left the building, not sure if he hung around to see me or not but I bolted accross the park as he sat at the traffic lights.

I then pulled along side him on the way home a couple of times but I have a new car and as far as I'm aware he didn't see me.

 

So I'm a little messed up right now, my head is all over the place but at least its done now, right?

 

Yep, that first meeting is DONE. Yeah!!!

 

I am so very proud of you.

 

I still contend that as the days/weeks continue to go by, the 'feelings' you have felt will diminish. Truly Hope, I would even venture to guess that what you aren't feeling now is love for HIM, but love for the memories and what you shared. He is a big wuss, jerk, butt head.... and what you shared before will never be and the memories of that hurt your heart.

 

BUT, I am sooo proud of you!! You did great! Absolutely great!!! ((((hugs))))

[pureinheart]

Our minds and our hearts don't experience time the same way. Our minds can jump to conclusions but our hearts need a beginning and a closure. Almost every other type of 'normal' relationship follows that pattern of beginning to end and the ending is almost always like removing a tooth, back and forth, back and forth until it finally pops and we break free.

 

Your experience was in your head up until you saw him. But when you saw him your heart overrode your head and went exactly back to where it remembered you left off emotionally.... its an odd quirk of humankind. And its that strange thing, unless you can find a real reason to dislike him and purge him he's going to haunt you like a ghost.

 

It's like the voicemail I received a few weeks back, initially I thought 'Im moving on, Im over this, I can do it, NC for over 2 months' and when I heard the voicemail my rational brain was going through its normal 'why is she calling', 'how disrespectful', 'NC is whats right...' blah blah blah.... yet nor more than 30 minutes later I felt sick to my stomach and that wound was in a lot of pain.

 

Its a long road, be strong, write down why you are no longer with him and remind yourself of that as much as possible. That will help chip away at the splinter in your heart.

 

Wow C, this is really good, excellent insight:)

[MizFit]

-------------------

 

Give yourself credit for knowing that women are very maternal creatures.. it's in our genes .. You probably hurt for him, and feel sorry for him as well..Wanted to take care of him, when you were together .. Just keep focussed ahead - as you have been ..

 

Do you know what cn...I don't know if this has been posted before and I've just missed it or if you've just given an incredible insight. Either way, to me I think that is an incredibly powerful statement to the actions of both BW and OW...

[Silly_Girl]

Do you know what cn...I don't know if this has been posted before and I've just missed it or if you've just given an incredible insight. Either way, to me I think that is an incredibly powerful statement to the actions of both BW and OW...

 

I agree entirely. I went off to bed last night with that ringing in my ears. Thanks Califnan.

[Hazyhead]

-------------------

 

Give yourself credit for knowing that women are very maternal creatures.. it's in our genes .. You probably hurt for him, and feel sorry for him as well..Wanted to take care of him, when you were together .. Just keep focussed ahead - as you have been ..

 

 

Always insightful Cali