Uuuuh ooooh am I making a huge mistake!!!

[Butterflying]

I posted last week about three different guys I dated recently who all stopped contacting me after I refused to text them pictures of myself over the phone. Well....

 

There is another guy whom I've been admiring for a long time. He is a client of one of my clients. I see him a lot for work, but we don't work together. We had exchanged numbers a while ago. But neither of us pursued anthing further until recently.

 

Low and behold, we started texting each other one afternoon. The conversation got intimate. He asked for a naughty picture of me. It was an appropriate request considering our conversation.

 

Not wanting to risk losing him like the other men I dated, I sent this guy the picture. And that led to more pictures (all of them very naughty). He sent me some of himself too.

 

Now, me and this guy have plans to get together in two weeks. He will be visiting my city for business overnight. I will meet him at his hotel and we will be having sex for sure (protected of course.)

 

Here's the thing: Before we started text sexing each other, I liked this guy to the point where I wanted to have a relationship with him, more than just sex. Now, I'm afraid that if I go along with our plans, he will end up being a friend with benefits and nothing more. What should I do?

[Sivok]

Well, if he doesn't always work in your city, then he's more than likely looking at you as an FWB for when he's in town. I wouldn't have sent him sex pics without becoming intimate with him first... You sort of set yourself up to be a FWB, no offense.

[Mimolicious]

From pictures to the actual act is a far stretch. I partly agree with Sivok that you may have set yourself up here and I'll tell you why:

 

will meet him at his hotel and we will be having sex for sure

 

This right here is what set you. Why must you already sleep with him when he comes to town? After that, there is no turning back. Think about it. I feel like at the same time it will be High school'ish to back out and you'll look like a tease. Catch 22 though.

 

Here's the thing: Before we started text sexing each other, I liked this guy to the point where I wanted to have a relationship with him, more than just sex. Now, I'm afraid that if I go along with our plans, he will end up being a friend with benefits and nothing more. What should I do?

 

That's not what you are coming across as. "If" you go along with the plan? Why are you going along with something that apparently you don't want? What you need to do is make up your mind. If you do go along with the plan then get use to being his FWB. If you don't, he may be ghost but better than being used as an object.

[Butterflying]

Well, if he doesn't always work in your city, then he's more than likely looking at you as an FWB for when he's in town. I wouldn't have sent him sex pics without becoming intimate with him first... You sort of set yourself up to be a FWB, no offense.

This is what I am afraid of. I just wish I hadn't had that terrible experience witht those other guys about the pictures. Then I might not have sent the pictures. I feel soooooo bad about this. And a little stupid too.

[Butterflying]

Why are you going along with something that apparently you don't want? What you need to do is make up your mind. If you do go along with the plan then get use to being his FWB. If you don't, he may be ghost but better than being used as an object.

I'm doing it because this man comes closer to my "ideal" man than any other I've dated before. In fact, the other three men who got lost after I refused to grant their request were also closer to my ideal man. It seems, their only flaw was wanting intimacy sooner than I was comfortable with.

 

So now with this guy, I was hoping to "give in" a little, not be too strict about my dating rules and see if things work. Who knows, maybe this is the way to get the man of my dreams! (at least that's what I was thinking). But now I'm just so scared of making the wrong decision.

 

I'd hate for this guy to see me as a "loose" woman when I'm soooo much more conservative. But I'd hate for him to think I'm too conservative because I'm also open minded and a little submisive.

[Mimolicious]

I'd hate for this guy to see me as a "loose" woman when I'm soooo much more conservative. But I'd hate for him to think I'm too conservative because I'm also open minded and a little submisive.

 

Then talk to him about it but in a more suttled way. I am not going to lie, there are people who connect in a certain way from the jump- it's called "chemistry". I guess you will have to wait and see...

 

Hope it is all you are expecting!

[callalilly]

I think you need to look at how you are directing these conversations to become so intimate so fast. It sounds to me like you are somehow allowing the texting to get too sexual before you're ready for it. Either quit doing so much texting in the early stages, or don't allow it to get so hot and heavy right away.

[Butterflying]

I think you need to look at how you are directing these conversations to become so intimate so fast. It sounds to me like you are somehow allowing the texting to get too sexual before you're ready for it. Either quit doing so much texting in the early stages, or don't allow it to get so hot and heavy right away.

You may be on to something here;) I used to NEVER text because it was too impersonal. Now I find texting to be less distracting than phone conversations because you have more time to really think about your response.

 

I've been told by friends and some strangers that I exude sex appeal, without me even saying a word. There is "something" sexy about my aura and presence. Most times, the text messages begin with a "Hi sexy. How are you today?" And then they go on to ask what I'm wearing and so forth.

 

This has been true my entire life, even when I was a child. And that was sad because I didn't understand sex then.

 

For instance, when my uncle tried to molest me, my mother caught him and stopped it before it happened. His excuse: he told her that "I seduced him." For the love of God, I was only 4 years old when that happened. I didn't even know what sex was. How could I have seduced him?????

 

So it seems I'm a victim somehow of my apparent sexiness. But I don't always dress sexy. I definately don't act sexy. I'm actually a nerd if you consider my acedemic accomplishments and career accolades. Since when did being a nerd become sexy? If I knew what causes this reaction from people, I would definately make it stop.

Edited June 25, 2010 by Butterflying

[harmfulsweetz]

First off, never feel pressurized to send pictures if you don't want to out of fear of them disappearing. If they disappear, they are NOT your ideal man, and are only out for one thing, and clearly have no respect for you as a person.

 

I've been where you are now-texting someone for a while, it turns sexual, meet ups are arranged-but I know one thing for sure, I was never going to get an R like that. From the moment the conversation turns sexual, you are simply the girl they turn to for that. You're not someone they are ever going to seriously date. Don't feel stupid either-everyone has been there in some capacity or another, and we all think if we just do as they ask or say, they'll like us more for it. They won't. Chances are though, do or don't, it won't change their opinion of you very much.

 

You simply need to learn that if a guy does one on you for respecting yourself, he isn't worthy of any respect. Never do something just to please a man. FWBs are great, if you like that sort of thing and that's all you're after, but you have to be sure it's what you want, not just a way to try and get more out of him. 9 times out of 10 it doesn't ever go that way.

 

I would suggest suggesting you both slow things down a notch, have dinner and maybe drinks, make it a proper date, get to know each other and see where it goes. And cut the texting/sexting. If you want respect, you'd better demand it.

 

Your uncle sounds like a disgusting pig. Worse, if I'm honest. It's not your fault at all. And yes, some women are just naturally sexy though, you must exude sex appeal-use it wisely and to your advantage.

[SarahRose]

You should never give in a little bit ever in the ways that you have.

 

A man will never respect a woman who sends strangers naked pictures of herself.

 

If you are looking for a serious boyfriend and something long term, keep your standards high. Men will try to get what they can from you.

 

The guys that didn't hang around after you refusing to send naked pictures were all tossers looking for a piece of ass.

 

You will never make a man stick around by disrespecting yourself or allowing a man to disrespect you.

 

Keep your clothes on and your legs crossed until someone truly worthy comes along.

[WalkInThePark]

I'm doing it because this man comes closer to my "ideal" man than any other I've dated before.

 

OMG, if that is the case the other guys you have dated must have been really bad! How on earth can a man who does not even do the effort to give you a call but has an erotic conversation and asks for a naughty picture, can in any way be an "ideal" man???

 

Even if you just want to have casual sex with a guy, it can be done in a fun and respectful way but he is treating you like a hooker and you go along with it. The reason why he asked for a picture is not because he likes you or is attracted to you but just to know if you have the kind of body that he likes to have good sex.

 

Can't help it but this is such a bad situation and you would take huge risks if you have sex with this man. You don't know if he might want to tape your sex session or could rape you or whatever...

It seems to me that you don't have a lot of respect for yourself as you put yourself in danger.

 

And if you are looking for a real relationship this certainly is not the way to go about it...

[WalkInThePark]

You may be on to something here;) I used to NEVER text because it was too impersonal. Now I find texting to be less distracting than phone conversations because you have more time to really think about your response.

 

I've been told by friends and some strangers that I exude sex appeal, without me even saying a word. There is "something" sexy about my aura and presence. Most times, the text messages begin with a "Hi sexy. How are you today?" And then they go on to ask what I'm wearing and so forth.

 

This has been true my entire life, even when I was a child. And that was sad because I didn't understand sex then.

 

For instance, when my uncle tried to molest me, my mother caught him and stopped it before it happened. His excuse: he told her that "I seduced him." For the love of God, I was only 4 years old when that happened. I didn't even know what sex was. How could I have seduced him?????

 

So it seems I'm a victim somehow of my apparent sexiness. But I don't always dress sexy. I definately don't act sexy. I'm actually a nerd if you consider my acedemic accomplishments and career accolades. Since when did being a nerd become sexy? If I knew what causes this reaction from people, I would definately make it stop.

 

The sexual abuse at a young age has resulted in low self-esteem and blurry borders.

If you don't have a romantic relationship with someone, starting a text with "Hi sexy" is not done. It would only be acceptable from someone who is your boyfriend or husband. If someone who is not my boyfriend or husband would text me "Hi sexy" I would forbid him to call me that way.

 

It is clear that you are very dependent on what others think of you. You are afraid that they find you not openminded enough if you don't want to send sexy pictures. This is so wrong. Sending sexy pictures has nothing to do with being openminded or not. And nobody has to tell you that you should be openminded. If you are not, it is also OK.

 

You have to know that there are perpetrators out there = bad people who get a kick from a situation where they can force people to cross their boundaries. The guy you describe is not a good guy. Not because he wants casual sex as such but because of the way he is playing you. A healthy person wants his contacts to be equal and wants the other to do things because she wants to do them.

 

Having sex with this guy does not make you an openminded, liberated woman, it makes you a sl!t because you are not doing this out of lust and passion, you are doing this because you have no selfesteem.

[make me believe]

Most times, the text messages begin with a "Hi sexy. How are you today?" And then they go on to ask what I'm wearing and so forth.

 

What? This does not sound normal to me. People actually still ask each other "so....what are you wearing?" ??? Let alone a guy that you don't even have an actual established sexual relationship with? I really think you need to look at why and how these exchanges are turning sexual. If a guy like that asked me what I was wearing, I'd be creeped out, think he was incredibly lame and needed some new material, and end the conversation. In no way would it end up with me sending him naked pictures of myself.

 

OMG, if that is the case the other guys you have dated must have been really bad! How on earth can a man who does not even do the effort to give you a call but has an erotic conversation and asks for a naughty picture, can in any way be an "ideal" man???

 

Even if you just want to have casual sex with a guy, it can be done in a fun and respectful way but he is treating you like a hooker and you go along with it. The reason why he asked for a picture is not because he likes you or is attracted to you but just to know if you have the kind of body that he likes to have good sex.

 

I agree with walkinthepark completely!! If this guy is "ideal," you are setting your standards WAY too low. How many other women do you think he has sending him naked pics? He probably has quite a collection going.

 

Conversations don't just randomly get sexual without both people turning it that way. If a guy tries to turn things sexual too soon (even through texting, and especially if he has the gall to ask you for a naked picture even though you haven't even slept together yet!), that is a HUGE red flag!! I would immediately "next" him. CLEARLY he is looking for sex and only sex.

 

If you don't have a romantic relationship with someone, starting a text with "Hi sexy" is not done. It would only be acceptable from someone who is your boyfriend or husband. If someone who is not my boyfriend or husband would text me "Hi sexy" I would forbid him to call me that way.

 

I agree with this too!!

[Butterflying]

This is really good feedback because it shows me exactly how someone else views this situation. I don't feel attacked by any of your comments... and that sometimes happens on Loveshack !!!

 

Anyway, I am strongly reconcidering meeting this guy later this week. He just sent me a text message to confirm the hotel where he will be staying. And he is excited about our "adventure."

 

As Walkinthepark stated, I have been wondering if he would put a video camera in the room and record the session. Of course he initially offered to come to my house for this experience instead of the hotel. I turned that down because just in case something goes wrong, I wouldn't want him to know where I live. After wondering about being recorded, I think my house is a better idea. At least then I would know it's totally private.

 

But then again, the mere fact that I have all these concerns is a sure sign that I should not be having sex with this man anytime soon. When we first started talking and texting over the phone, all we talked about were our jobs, things we had in common, and our goals.

 

While he may have been attracted to me physically, he never commented on it until after we made out at a party one night (just some kissing and heavy petting). A few days later, the sexy texting started. I was comfortable sending him the naughty pics eventough it was something I hadn't done in the past. But now I don't know. It just seems to be moving too fast. And I don't have the slightest idea how to slow it down without stopping it all together.

 

Wanting sex doesn't make a man a bad person. Wanting sex too soon doesn't make a man a bad person. Given the fact that he has no idea what I'm thinking about all this, I can't really judge him harshley. So far he hasn't hurt me or intentionally caused me grief. If possible, I'd like to find a way to prevent both of us from doing something we will regret.

[Engadget]

Why does every guy you meet want pictures like that right away? Seems an odd coincidence.

[harmfulsweetz]

This is really good feedback because it shows me exactly how someone else views this situation. I don't feel attacked by any of your comments... and that sometimes happens on Loveshack !!!

 

Anyway, I am strongly reconcidering meeting this guy later this week. He just sent me a text message to confirm the hotel where he will be staying. And he is excited about our "adventure."

 

As Walkinthepark stated, I have been wondering if he would put a video camera in the room and record the session. Of course he initially offered to come to my house for this experience instead of the hotel. I turned that down because just in case something goes wrong, I wouldn't want him to know where I live. After wondering about being recorded, I think my house is a better idea. At least then I would know it's totally private.

 

But then again, the mere fact that I have all these concerns is a sure sign that I should not be having sex with this man anytime soon. When we first started talking and texting over the phone, all we talked about were our jobs, things we had in common, and our goals.

 

While he may have been attracted to me physically, he never commented on it until after we made out at a party one night (just some kissing and heavy petting). A few days later, the sexy texting started. I was comfortable sending him the naughty pics eventough it was something I hadn't done in the past. But now I don't know. It just seems to be moving too fast. And I don't have the slightest idea how to slow it down without stopping it all together.

 

Wanting sex doesn't make a man a bad person. Wanting sex too soon doesn't make a man a bad person. Given the fact that he has no idea what I'm thinking about all this, I can't really judge him harshley. So far he hasn't hurt me or intentionally caused me grief. If possible, I'd like to find a way to prevent both of us from doing something we will regret.

 

 

I would suggest meeting somewhere public, not in his hotel, i.e. go for drinks, meal whichever. Make it clear that you do not want sex that night. If you don't, that is. If you do, go ahead.

 

No, wanting sex doesn't, not at all, but the problem is (and I've found this out just yesterday) if you want more in the long term, having sex early, isn't the way to get it. He wants sex. That's good, and grand if that is what you want, not so good if you want more. You probably won't get more from this guy because he has explicitly stated his intentions.

 

You have to think about it from that view. If you want more, you aren't going to get it. If you don't, he's the guy for you.

[Butterflying]

We were supposed to meet tonight at his hotel. He and I spoke two days ago. I told him I want a relationship. He wants an FWB. Of course, his idea of FWB is basically everything I'd get in a relationship except love and commitment. So we canceled our plans for tonight.

 

My gut instinct says that even if I had agreed to be his FWB, he would still put more emphasis on the benefit and we would never truly be friends!

 

Apparently, not being his FWB means that we can't even be friends. Why else would he have canceled our plans AFTER he realized I wanted more than sex? He could have still come to the city and we could have had dinner or drinks. Now, we have nothing.

[make me believe]

You did the right thing in cancelling! Good for you for not settling for less than you want.

 

Apparently, not being his FWB means that we can't even be friends. Why else would he have canceled our plans AFTER he realized I wanted more than sex? He could have still come to the city and we could have had dinner or drinks. Now, we have nothing.

 

Well, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but... DUH! He doesn't want to be friends with you, he wants to have sex with you. Most guys aren't out there looking for females to just be friends with, you know? This guy is looking for sex, so to him spending time with a woman who he knows isn't going to give it to him is pointless and a waste of his time. At least you know exactly where he stands so you don't have to waste anymore of YOUR time on him.

[jenifer1972]

We were supposed to meet tonight at his hotel. He and I spoke two days ago. I told him I want a relationship. He wants an FWB. Of course, his idea of FWB is basically everything I'd get in a relationship except love and commitment. So we canceled our plans for tonight.

 

My gut instinct says that even if I had agreed to be his FWB, he would still put more emphasis on the benefit and we would never truly be friends!

 

Apparently, not being his FWB means that we can't even be friends. Why else would he have canceled our plans AFTER he realized I wanted more than sex? He could have still come to the city and we could have had dinner or drinks. Now, we have nothing.

 

 

You still would have ended up with nothing the other way too, only you would have given yourself to him, and then he would have told you he wants nothing else. That is much worse.

 

I agree with the others that if 3 men have asked this same thing of you, this is a reason to really examine how you come across.

 

There are many men who have admired me, but I can assure you that NOT ONE would have EVER in their wildest dreams thought that asking to send them a sexual picture on a phone would have gotten them anywhere but kicked to the curb.

There is something about the way you come across that is making them feel they can immediately cut to being full on sexual without any committment to you at all. They don't respect you. How is that happening? From the way you phrase things, it sounds like you make yourself very pliant to men's wants and don't show you have clear strong personal boundaries.

[BentSpine]

I would suggest meeting somewhere public, not in his hotel, i.e. go for drinks, meal whichever. Make it clear that you do not want sex that night.

No, don't ever make that clear unless don't feel up to it at the end of the date, but were undecided when the date began. Rather cancel the whole thing in advance. Once sex is expected, and not only hoped for, you likely cannot go back to innocent dating without it being a deal breaker.

 

Personally it would be a deal breaker. Why? Because I find it controlling.

A compatible woman bases her decision on her emotions at the very moment of seduction. An incompatible woman follows a time-table of how she thinks & wants things to develop in order to 100 % exclude the risk of him walking away.

[harmfulsweetz]

We were supposed to meet tonight at his hotel. He and I spoke two days ago. I told him I want a relationship. He wants an FWB. Of course, his idea of FWB is basically everything I'd get in a relationship except love and commitment. So we canceled our plans for tonight.

 

My gut instinct says that even if I had agreed to be his FWB, he would still put more emphasis on the benefit and we would never truly be friends!

 

Apparently, not being his FWB means that we can't even be friends. Why else would he have canceled our plans AFTER he realized I wanted more than sex? He could have still come to the city and we could have had dinner or drinks. Now, we have nothing.

 

 

I'm glad you canceled, never settle for anything less than what you want. I had the same thing happen to me just last week too, guy made it clear what he was after, I said I just wanted to meet up, no sex, gets to the day, he cancels. Never heard from him again, what a shock.

 

It's perfectly fine to be someone's FWB if that's what you want, if it's not, then you're wasting your time.

 

BentSpine, if a person wants a relationship and the other person wants an FWB, each person should make it clear what they want before they meet. If she had turned up at his hotel, she would have more than likely gone farther than she would have been comfortable doing and not gotten what she truly wanted from this man. It's always better to be upfront about what you are after, than to simply go along with whatever the other person suggests. If a woman wants a relationship, she won't get it by sleeping with a guy who blatantly only wants sex. Simple as, why is that bad? Why is it wrong that she made it clear what she wanted? So the guy can say he's just after sex, but she can't say she wants a relationship in case she risks him walking away? In that case, I think she dodged a bullet.

[BentSpine]

It's good to be honest and listen to one's feelings.

If a woman wants a relationship, she won't get it by sleeping with a guy who blatantly only wants sex.

Agree. It's also true that not sleeping with a man won't make him want a relationship either. The outcome is already written in the stars, be there sex or no sex.

 

The decision to be intimate is an emotional one for the lady. But since emotions are not under our control, we cannot in advance know how we will feel at some time in the future: it will depend on our emotional response to the events leading up to that point. Any self professed predictions of what emotions one will have further on is thus taken lightly by this writer.

 

Personally it's a deal breaker for me if the woman already in advance has decided against the possibility of sex at the end of the night. Apparently she wouldn't even contemplate the possiblity of a great mental connection and strong physical attraction. I would conclude that the woman is fear-centered: fear of abandonment, fear of being hurt. Her desire to avoid any chance of pain lead her to be controlling. Which I gather will invariably will spill over into other areas of the ensuing relationship, should the man still have the misfortune of seeing Ms. Controlling again.

Why is it wrong that she made it clear what she wanted?

Coming out and saying that no sex will happen would obviously turn me off, but it would also put me off regardless if I wanted a relationship before or not.

 

Picking a public place is fine, that conveys some level of discomfort. Picking a private hotel conveys a decent level of comfort. Picking a private place and then later on try to change into a public place will likely be perceived as teasing and will auto-destruct any budding romance. Game over. Next time and next guy, don't agree to hotel if you're not up to intimacy.

[bittersweet memories]

This is what I am afraid of. I just wish I hadn't had that terrible experience witht those other guys about the pictures. Then I might not have sent the pictures. I feel soooooo bad about this. And a little stupid too.

 

Why do you have to end up in his room? Go out and have fun, drinks, dinner and maybe a nice kiss. After that call it a night.

 

If there is a second time then consider it depending how this turns out. But Do Not put out in the first date.

[bittersweet memories]

I'm doing it because this man comes closer to my "ideal" man than any other I've dated before. In fact, the other three men who got lost after I refused to grant their request were also closer to my ideal man. It seems, their only flaw was wanting intimacy sooner than I was comfortable with.

 

So now with this guy, I was hoping to "give in" a little, not be too strict about my dating rules and see if things work. Who knows, maybe this is the way to get the man of my dreams! (at least that's what I was thinking). But now I'm just so scared of making the wrong decision.

 

I'd hate for this guy to see me as a "loose" woman when I'm soooo much more conservative. But I'd hate for him to think I'm too conservative because I'm also open minded and a little submisive.

 

He definetly does not see you too conservative..you sext him already and sent him naughty pictures. You don't have to worry about that. I would worry more about looking to loose. This is your first day hold off unless you want too and it feels right.. go with your gutt.

[Ruby Slippers]

Apparently, not being his FWB means that we can't even be friends. Why else would he have canceled our plans AFTER he realized I wanted more than sex? He could have still come to the city and we could have had dinner or drinks. Now, we have nothing.

Victory! I was going to advise you not to have anything more to do with this guy.

 

You clearly view your primary worth as a person as rooted in your sexuality. You need to do some work on this. Talk to a counselor, read some books, digest a bunch of threads here. Go on some dates that are NOT about sex, that do not even go past kissing. Tap into parts of yourself besides your sexuality. If you don't work on yourself, you're going to keep doing the same thing over and over, and guys are going to keep exploiting your weaknesses.