ripkenfan Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 im new to the site and i have a problem right now and would like to get some advice from others on the subject. im 20 and im really into this girl i work with who is also 20 and she told me shes into me also but she has a boyfriend of 2.5 years. we go out often and hang out with other friends but never her boyfriend. we often sit outside and talk for hours after work and i believe that shes perfect for me and we have kissed before. i know that she feels the same way but her boyfrined is in the way i dont know what to do if i should move on and get over it or keep hanging out with her and fall for her even more. a few of my friends say to get over her and move on becasue either she will never leave the boyfriend or she will just do the same thing to me or get back with the bf. but then there are the few who say dont give up if you like her that much so im not sure. thanks
Tony T Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 What you should do is show her you are respectful of other people's relationships. Simply tell her you have a great deal of admiration for her and you enjoy her friendship. Let her know that if ever she should find herself not seeing anybody, you would be interested in upgrading the friendship. Let her know that for now, you understand she has a boyfriend and you don't wish to interfere with that. If she's more interested in you than her boyfriend, she'll take care of things from her end once you have made these declarations. But don't be persistent in trying to push yourself on her or you will regret it. There's a great deal of pressure that goes with having someone break up with someone of long standing just to be with you. You'll feel very guilty if things don't work out and you've got to give her the boot....after she left another relationship.
silk_sword Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 well she is obviously into u, but u do have to watch out. this is thin ice. she could just be messing around, or u could really have spun her head away from a guy of 2.5 years. how long have u both been going at this? if a long time, then don't expect anything serious from her. if this is something that has just started, then she may want to move on from her other relationship. i was in her situation. a man turned my head away from a lover of five years. i realized that what i thought i could have with the man i was with was impossible, because i didn't love him. i don't want to say wait though. she could be using u. it's a tough one. just don't get blinded in this situation. if u know it isn't going anywhere, then get out. if u feel it's more, then follow your heart. it's all your decision (whether u make the right one or not). u solely listen to your own mind after all, regardless of the rantings of others. so i hope u can see the right course of action. good luck!
UCFKevin Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 My two cents: My last girlfriend, she was in a relationship of 11 months when we met, but when we got to talking more and more, it was OBVIOUS that there was something there between us. However, I made a decision not to pursue her because I didn't want to be the other guy. She respected this and we just talked as friends for a while, but one night, she came over to hang out, and we just gave into tempation, and two weeks later, she broke up with her boyfriend and we were together for two and a half years. But, for much of that 2.5 years, I always had, in the back of my mind, "Will she leave me like she left her ex?" That's something I don't really want someone to willingly go into, that worrying "What if?" thought is horrifying and troubling. I'd try to avoid it if you can.
julieg Posted February 3, 2004 Posted February 3, 2004 she may just like having all the attention from you and her boyfriend. she may connect with you on one level and him on another. when i was 20 i had a similar situation.
ripkenfan02 Posted February 3, 2004 Posted February 3, 2004 well its been about a month that we have been getting in to this but i have known her for about 4 months. im not sure but since we have already told eachother how we feel i think that im just going to tell her that i respect the relationship she is currently in and when the time comes hopefull i be around, and ill see what she has to say about that and ill take it from there thanks for all of the great advice
MarKus Posted February 4, 2004 Posted February 4, 2004 i wouldnt get involved with a girl who had a boyfriend, especially if they have been together for ages
Jon S. Posted February 4, 2004 Posted February 4, 2004 I wouldn't get into a relationship with a girl with a boyfriend either. Just for all the reasons mentioned above. Obviously I wouldn't want to go with a girl who would cheat and I wouldn't want to deal with the guilt of breaking up a relationship. However, I feel that I'm still young (22 is still young, right?) and that most people around my age are still experimenting and trying to find what's right for them. I also find that from year to year, our personalities change dramatically and what worked 2 years ago might not work anymore. It just seems like one big game of musical chairs, where people go out and when the music stops, they go home with the best guy/girl who has flirted with them that night. Maybe I'm just bitter, but I wouldn't expect loyalty from anyone under 25.
amerikajin Posted February 8, 2004 Posted February 8, 2004 I don't necessarily think it's unethical to pursue this woman, but I do think you have to be careful how you do it. Some may disagree with this but my own attitude is that dating is a process of finding out who's right for you, and sometimes that means trading in one guy/gal for another...abruptly at times. Marriage, of course, is a commitment, and that's a different matter altogether. Before people jump down my throat, I want to explain this more clearly. As an example, there's this hottie I've been working with for a while who occasionally makes a pass or two at me - even though she's been dating this other guy steadily for quite some time. Although I didn't make a serious move on her, I would at times return a few flirts in her direction. Recently, they got engaged. As far as I'm concerned, game over. She's his, and he's hers, and I wouldn't dream of interfering. Engagement is the first step in marriage, and if nothing else, I respect the ideal of a commitment. So, as I said, it's okay once in a while to let a woman know that you've got good vibes about her, though I think circumstances dictate a certain etiquette. I'd never mess with another woman if I knew she was out on a date with someone else. I'd never mess with another woman if I was friends with the guy. And generally, as far as transmitting the romantic signals, I'd generally sit back and let a woman give me the cue first. I think it's one thing to show up to a party you've been invited to; it's another thing to crash it....if you know what I mean. Ethical questions aside, I do have to wonder if it's a wise thing to do to get too involved with a woman who has a boyfriend. I mean, for one thing, you have to be aware of the consequences, among which is the possibility that you may end up in a physical confrontation with an irate guy who - rightly or wrongly - believes you stole his woman. Beyond that, I have to wonder why any man would make himself available for a woman who hasn't afforded him the same courtesy in return - it just doesn't make sense. Finally, as UCFKevin pointed out, if you don't end things honorably, there will always be a part of you that wonders whether or not you're just another gameshow contestant waiting to get bounced. On the whole, while I'm being careful not to be too judgmental here, I'd still have to say that it's probably not a good idea to be too involved with her at this point for the simple reason that a relationship occurs when TWO people agree upon exclusivity. However, that doesn't mean you can't have an occasional coffee date with her just so she knows that you're interested in seeing her. I mean, hey, you don't even have to buy her roses or dinner or anything. Just five dollars and an hour of your time at Starbucks....and you could be finished in time to let her live out the inevitable last few weeks or months with her "boyfriend" while you hit the town with your chick du jour. Speaking of which, it's obvious her boyfriend's days are numbers. Stick around, let it die naturally...the right way.
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 I encourage you to fall for her and get crazy and be prepared to be hurt...remember, you are 20, even the chance of winning her is slim, you will definitely win a lof of personal experiences at the age of 20, meaning you will have less pain when you reach 30, or 40......why not? Women like risk takers, if you dare to show craziness about her, your chance of getting her would be higher. Do you think she would like you less for liking her more, even if she does not leave her boyfriend?
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