Reasons to stay

[piscis]

Hi everyone!!!

I have been wondering about this: Lots of women I know have always assure that if they find out their husbands are having an A would definetly kick them out of the house but if this happends and they discover they decide to stay.

They have told me that they were suspicious, that in their inside they know they are having an A and when they have are absolutly sure they do not leave.

I am of course not judging why they decide to stay or leave I am just wondering why do you choose to stay??? and do you really forgive and be able to trust again???

[2sure]

Like most hard decisions, this one is easier said than done whether you stay or leave. But in general when infidelity occurs, sometimes its a heads up to both spouses that the marriage is in trouble and makes them realize how much they want to fix it. So, they stay. Other times, the BS realizes that the trouble is only with the WS, so they leave.

[piscis]

thanks 2sure for the reply.

It is true infidelity shows that the marriage is in trouble but I mean you know you have problems and the person who has the A CHOOSES to have an A instead of trying to talk or counceling to resolve those issues, I mean he or she could have said we have problems, I do not like whatever or I am feeling bad about the R instead of sleeping with someone else

[2sure]

Oh, you are right. Absolutely. My thinking is that no matter what issues a marriage is having - an affair is simply a selfish act. I'll go further and say that when couples trying to reconcile a marriage by addressing previous issues and improving the marriage....if they forget to address the most real and biggest problem - that the WS was breathtakingly selfish...they are missing the boat.

[Spark1111]

Hi everyone!!!

I have been wondering about this: Lots of women I know have always assure that if they find out their husbands are having an A would definetly kick them out of the house but if this happends and they discover they decide to stay.

They have told me that they were suspicious, that in their inside they know they are having an A and when they have are absolutly sure they do not leave.

I am of course not judging why they decide to stay or leave I am just wondering why do you choose to stay??? and do you really forgive and be able to trust again???

 

Hmmm....you never know what you will do unless it happens to you.

 

Everyone tells you to kick them to the curb because that's what they would do if they discovered a spouse's infidelity--So they say.

 

It IS what EVERYONE ASSUMES they would do because they BELIEVE it WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO THEM. Until it does....

 

Yet, it is happening to 50 to 60% of the population and supposedly 95% of women will reconcile with a WS; Men less so. (50 to 60%?)

 

Men have a very hard time getting past the visual of their spouse physically with another man and find it harder to forgive, according to what I have read elsewhere and here at LS too!

 

I had NO idea my fWs was cheating on me. Ahhh...love is blind. I knew something was wrong, but in a million years never thought it could be another woman. He was never that type of guy (or, so I thought.)

 

What bothered me the most? His emotional connection to her: sharing all that love and romance and passion and intimacy with another while I was dying on the vine trying to figure out why he didn't seem to love me anymore; the sex, I cared less so.

 

I love him, always have. He fell out of love with me; began ascribing all these negative attributes and emotions to me; made me the villian in his self-created drama.

 

I wanted to divorce him and wasn't staying for money, security, or status quo, although some women may stay for those reasons.

 

He begged, pleaded, cajoled, transformed, and fought to retain me at any cost: IC, MC, total transparency regarding his whereabouts, his cell phone, emails and passwords, and reading, analyzing and talking, talking, talking.

 

He changed his actions towards me, and we are now stronger than ever.

 

I'm glad I stayed, and I do trust him NOW, but he had to prove it for a very long time.

[Spark1111]

Oh, you are right. Absolutely. My thinking is that no matter what issues a marriage is having - an affair is simply a selfish act. I'll go further and say that when couples trying to reconcile a marriage by addressing previous issues and improving the marriage....if they forget to address the most real and biggest problem - that the WS was breathtakingly selfish...they are missing the boat.

 

Thank you 2sure!

 

Yep, breathtakingly selfish. We've beaten that horse just about to death....

[Snowflower]

Hi everyone!!!

I have been wondering about this: Lots of women I know have always assure that if they find out their husbands are having an A would definetly kick them out of the house but if this happends and they discover they decide to stay.

They have told me that they were suspicious, that in their inside they know they are having an A and when they have are absolutly sure they do not leave.

I am of course not judging why they decide to stay or leave I am just wondering why do you choose to stay??? and do you really forgive and be able to trust again???

 

I think just about every person who has ever been betrayed did say at one point or another before the A happened that they would never forgive cheating.

 

I know I said that.

 

Because face it, honestly, who would say, "oh, it's okay...go ahead and cheat. I won't mind."

 

No one says that.

 

This type of betrayal one of those circumstances in life that you never really know what you are going to do until you are in it. And unless you (general you, not aimed at anyone) have had it happen you can't guess at what you would and wouldn't do.

 

It's easy to say, "oh, I would never put up with that" when you are talking about a "what-if" situation. But what many people fail to realize is that they don't think it will ever happen to them. But it can and it does happen to many people, frequently.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Snowflower

[MizFit]

I think just about every person who has ever been betrayed did say at one point or another before the A happened that they would never forgive cheating.

 

I know I said that.

 

Because face it, honestly, who would say, "oh, it's okay...go ahead and cheat. I won't mind."

 

No one says that.

 

This type of betrayal one of those circumstances in life that you never really know what you are going to do until you are in it. And unless you (general you, not aimed at anyone) have had it happen you can't guess at what you would and wouldn't do.

 

It's easy to say, "oh, I would never put up with that" when you are talking about a "what-if" situation. But what many people fail to realize is that they don't think it will ever happen to them. But it can and it does happen to many people, frequently.

 

I was one of the few that always told my exH if he cheated on me it would end then...and it did. I never considered giving him a second chance. I do admit I could have dismissed it due to age and ignorance, but I look back and wouldn't change a thing. I also wouldn't put up with it now. I think it's more a reflection of knowing ME more than anything. I know I could never gain that trust back...I have a tremendous amount of respect for people who can...I couldn't.

 

Sometimes I count my blessings I had the courage to do it and sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't...

 

I absolutely agree that everyone says they tolerate it, but noone really knows how they would react.

[sruben]

This is usually a phase but it accounts for why so many people don't leave immediately after discovery. Some are actually successful at repairing the marriage during this stage and it becomes stronger. Some people choose to stay for other reasons like financial, or family obligation or whatever but rarely does the WS leave as long as the BS is willing to stay.

 

And this is precisely why my W's reassurances that "Don't worry, I keep telling you I'm not going anywhere" mean absolutely zero to me w.r.t whether or not she had an A last summer!

[seren]

I am one who thought it would never happen to us, I trusted H implicitly. On D Day I never, not for one moment thought of kicking him out, I told him that if he wanted OW, go get her, I would never accept him staying by default. We remain married, happily so I might add, because we both addressed the problems in our marriage and he accepted that the A was all down to him and that in order for our marriage to work that he had to change and we had to change.

 

We changed our way of communicating, he changed back to the person I had married and we addressed some of the issues he was having that enabled the A.

I trust him to not have an A, if I didn't then we wouldn't be together. I am not so naive to ever say never, but I trust him not to. Not all WS are serial cheaters the life situations that were happening when the A started aren't likely to happen again (please God).

 

Our M is better not because of, but despite the A. Once the decision to reconcile is made, the A becomes insignificant compared to the rebuilding, well it was in my case. Sure it has been so very hard, but our marriage was made of stronger stuff than the A. I never left our marriage, H did, briefly, I never left our relationship and despite the A neither did H as we still loved each other even when our M was at its worse. it is just not so black and white as anyone might think and it is not just familiarity that makes the WS stay, very often it is a wake up call that they have been acting like a dick and taking their M for granted (for BS also). As for hysterical bonding - well we are almost 3 years on and if Hb exists it is still going strong in our house. I suppose I stayed simply because I love him, never stopped, he would say the same.

[piscis]

Hi hockeyfan thanks for posting.

I really dont want to know why the MM I am having an affair with is not leaving, I really dont care what happends in a cheater mind and I am not wanting to know why his W decided to stay, I wanted to know just what I asked.

 

I have to say I think sadintexas has a great poin recreating a circle about the way the situation is handled.

I can not say I respect more those who stay instead of those who leave.

I can say that what works for someone is just fine even if for a couple works having an open marriage who am I to judge. I only wanted to read several points of view as yours, so thankyou for sharing

[Snowflower]

 

many times, the cheater promises the wife the affair meant nothing to him, that it was just sex, that she came on to him, that he told her repeatedly to leave him alone, etc.

 

This is so not true for most BW. Do people really think that the BW is really that stupid that she would believe lies like this?

 

If my husband had told me these things...I would have kicked him out. If he was that shallow and easily swayed by the OW--or that he had risked our marriage for "just sex." I would have been insulted and even more pissed about the A.

 

I think many, if not most BS would feel the same.

 

that is what the mistress doesn't see, how badly many times the cheater begs and pleads with his wife to not leave or not kick him out.

 

This can be true in some cases.

 

no one knows until they are in the situation what they are going to do. it depends on many things, not just the affair. it depends on the state of the marriage, the begging of the cheater, the past, the future plans, etc. it isn't as cut and dried as "he had an affair, the wife is going to leave".

 

Exactly and these are very good points. It's not cut and dried...just like the BW doesn't usually believe cr*p like the OW came on to him but she didn't mean anything. Or it was just sex.

 

Sorry, we'll have to agree to disagree about some things.

[OFGnomore]

This is so not true for most BW. Do people really think that the BW is really that stupid that she would believe lies like this?

 

If my husband had told me these things...I would have kicked him out. If he was that shallow and easily swayed by the OW--or that he had risked our marriage for "just sex." I would have been insulted and even more pissed about the A.

 

I think many, if not most BS would feel the same.

 

 

 

This can be true in some cases.

 

 

 

Exactly and these are very good points. It's not cut and dried...just like the BW doesn't usually believe cr*p like the OW came on to him but she didn't mean anything. Or it was just sex.

 

Sorry, we'll have to agree to disagree about some things.

 

Snowflower, this is why I like you and why I think yours is one of the few marriages here on LS that really stands a chance at true reconciliation. **Also, the big, big fact that your H confessed and was NOT busted and had the cajones to tell his family what a **** he'd been. That IMO is how a MAN rights the wrong. And yes I think many busted MM use the "she threw herself at me" excuse all the time. I mean really, who knew so many average corporate Joe, paunchy men middle aged, are getting more "tail" thrown at them than Mick Jagger in his prime. Puuuhhllleeese.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower, this is why I like you and why I think yours is one of the few marriages here on LS that really stands a chance at true reconciliation. **Also, the big, big fact that your H confessed and was NOT busted and had the cajones to tell his family what a **** he'd been. That IMO is how a MAN rights the wrong. And yes I think many busted MM use the "she threw herself at me" excuse all the time. I mean really, who knew so many average corporate Joe, paunchy men middle aged, are getting more "tail" thrown at them than Mick Jagger in his prime. Puuuhhllleeese.

 

OFG, thank you very much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me right now.

 

I'm with you, I would have never believed the "she came on to me" excuse had my husband tried to spin that lie for me.

 

I honestly think most BW don't believe this excuse, at least not for long. Maybe in the immediate fall-out from whatever type of d-day a BS might accept it for a little while but as their world starts to right itself again they will likely rethink this.

 

But most BS would see the "excuse" for the steaming pile of dung that it is.

[broken12]

Reasons to stay..

 

1) He's lovely to me. He treats me, and has always treated me, like a princess. I've been in enough relationships to know that's a rare thing. I see enough other people's relationships to know it's a rare thing. Yes, I might find someone who could be faithful to me, but the chances of finding someone who treats me so well are slim.

 

2) What we had was SO good (for both of us) that even if we only make 75% of the happiness we had BA we will still be a lot better off than most other relationships I see.

 

3) We get on SO well. We like the same things, we have the same dreams, we laugh at the same stuff, we enjoy each other's company, we have great sex, we talk all the time. Neither of us have ever got on so well with anyone else. I can't see that I, for one, ever could "get on" with anyone else better.

 

4) Yes, I know that I won't ever trust him again, but, to be honest, my trust of men generally is shattered. I wouldn't trust someone new either. It sounds cynical, but I no longer think it is possible to for me to 100% trust that someone will be faithful. My fiance vowed (and meant) that he'd never cheat on me. He treated me beautifully. We truly had an idyllic relationship that everyone was jealous of. He agrees - I wasn't imagining it. He started to "fancy" someone and only then started to think that there must be something wrong with our relationship, purely because he could fancy someone else. There were no warning signs, no alarm bells, just a lovely, kind, devoted man. My innocent trusting has gone - it would be no different if I were to leave and find someone else, so what would be the point?

 

5) No, it's not the way I would have chosen my life to pan out. No, he's not the person I believed him to be and adored. A lot of things in life aren't what we'd choose. A lot of relationships out there are far from perfect and not what they started out as. I'm not condoning what he did. I just know that our relationship has a lot more "plus" points than many others.

 

6) I just can't bear the thought of starting again .....AGAIN....

[piscis]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Broken12 it sounds to me that you are more resigned that convinced.

I respect everyone here and as I began saying I am no one to judge if leaving or staying is better in your particular case I would like to say thet if you decided to stay I hope you are happy and not resigned.

 

((hugs))

[OFGnomore]

OFG, thank you very much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me right now.

 

I'm with you, I would have never believed the "she came on to me" excuse had my husband tried to spin that lie for me.

 

I honestly think most BW don't believe this excuse, at least not for long. Maybe in the immediate fall-out from whatever type of d-day a BS might accept it for a little while but as their world starts to right itself again they will likely rethink this.

 

But most BS would see the "excuse" for the steaming pile of dung that it is.

 

Exactly. And sadly, how do you stay with someone like that and feel good about it? I don't see not getting divorced as a success story after an affair. It's quality of life for both partners.

 

Here's what I see in your situation, you're firm and fair and not afraid of the truth. You don't see it as poor H, bad OW. In fact, you never even really talk about his FOW. You're coping with grief and loss and that takes time. Be grateful your H handled it the way he did and you're not dealing with some goofball who is still using smoke and mirror tactics. I think the biggest challenge with grief is people want the pain to go away but it never really does. It lessons and you learn to live with it like any other loss.

[broken12]

Broken12 it sounds to me that you are more resigned that convinced.

I respect everyone here and as I began saying I am no one to judge if leaving or staying is better in your particular case I would like to say thet if you decided to stay I hope you are happy and not resigned.

 

((hugs))

 

No, I am resigned. I suspect very few BSs that stay are "convinced". I am battle weary from the s**t that life continues to throw at me. HOWEVER, I have hope that I (we) will be happy one day. I've read it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. If I still don't feel "happy" by then....I'll throw the towel in.

[Snowflower]

Reasons to stay..

 

 

 

4) Yes, I know that I won't ever trust him again, but, to be honest, my trust of men generally is shattered. I wouldn't trust someone new either. It sounds cynical, but I no longer think it is possible to for me to 100% trust that someone will be faithful. My fiance vowed (and meant) that he'd never cheat on me. He treated me beautifully. We truly had an idyllic relationship that everyone was jealous of. He agrees - I wasn't imagining it. He started to "fancy" someone and only then started to think that there must be something wrong with our relationship, purely because he could fancy someone else. There were no warning signs, no alarm bells, just a lovely, kind, devoted man. My innocent trusting has gone - it would be no different if I were to leave and find someone else, so what would be the point?

 

Regarding trust...I know it's different for everyone and only you can decide when/if you trust him.

 

The only advice I have for you is that it might be possible for you to regain some level of trust again as long as you trust YOURSELF more than you trust him.

 

I know this is not always possible, depending on you and your experiences. But, it's a thought. Who knows, maybe in the future you will come to that place.

5) No, it's not the way I would have chosen my life to pan out. No, he's not the person I believed him to be and adored. A lot of things in life aren't what we'd choose. A lot of relationships out there are far from perfect and not what they started out as. I'm not condoning what he did. I just know that our relationship has a lot more "plus" points than many others.

 

 

This is a very realistic view, IMO. As sad as it is...I agree, you do sound more resigned than hopeful. But who knows, maybe things will get easier for you. Maybe he will be able to prove something to you in time, etc.

 

I understand perfectly what you mean that despite what happened, your relationship is still better than a lot of relationships out there. I'm very cognizant of relationships these days--those of my friends, family members, work colleagues, etc.

 

When I look at some of the relationships that others are in, I'm happy for what I have. It sounds like I'm settling but I know I'm not. Can you relate?

[Snowflower]

 

Here's what I see in your situation, you're firm and fair and not afraid of the truth. You don't see it as poor H, bad OW. In fact, you never even really talk about his FOW. You're coping with grief and loss and that takes time. Be grateful your H handled it the way he did and you're not dealing with some goofball who is still using smoke and mirror tactics. I think the biggest challenge with grief is people want the pain to go away but it never really does. It lessons and you learn to live with it like any other loss.

 

Again, thank you. I don't blame the OW--it would be counter-productive. I don't really know her but I hate her for what she helped my H do but I don't even waste much time on that. Hate is a draining emotion and I need my emotional strength for healing.

 

Yes, I'm still grieving. You're right. I wish it would get better but it's sure taking me a long time. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[Jeff1962]

I would leave my wife before I had an affair. There is something positive to be said about fidelity. Trust.

 

I know this is hypothetical and I am currently seperated from my wife. If my wife gave herself to another man what should only be given to me. I would be heart broken and have no choice but to leave.

[spriggig]

It's been my observation, through reading this site and other online articles, as well as speaking to friends, that women generally cheat differently than men.

 

Women who cheat have often made a clear decision to end the marriage before beginning the affair but are too cowardly (to put it bluntly) to confront their husband. Once the affair is exposed, the woman is already on a path to divorce and doesn't sincerely look back. In fact the affair is often used to sabotage a marriage that the woman already wants out of but doesn't want to take responsibility for ending directly.

 

Men use cheating to fill a personal emptiness often without a desire to end the marriage.

 

Women use cheating to sabotage the marriage AND fill a personal emptiness.

 

Yes, both are cowardly and selfish.

Edited June 28, 2010 by spriggig

[Snowflower]

It's been my observation, through reading this site and other online articles, as well as speaking to friends, that women generally cheat differently than men.

 

Women who cheat have often made a clear decision to end the marriage before beginning the affair but are too cowardly (to put it bluntly) to confront their husband. Once the affair is exposed, the woman is already on a path to divorce and doesn't sincerely look back. In fact the affair is often used to sabotage a marriage that the woman already wants out of but doesn't want to take responsibility for ending directly.

 

Men use cheating to fill a personal emptiness often without a desire to end the marriage.

 

Women use cheating to sabotage the marriage AND fill a personal emptiness.

 

sprigig, I agree with you and have mentioned this before here and have usually been bashed severely by certain posters who were burned very badly by women in their lives.

 

I can hope that by you presenting this suggestion, as a guy, it will not be seen as so objectionable.

 

I'm a woman, obviously. I have never cheated or even thought about cheating on my H. But I have observed this behavior in other women. I'm not standing up for this type of behavior, nor condoning it.

 

I just understand the female mindset of once the woman is done with the relationship that it is the kiss of death for it. Any cheating that she does at that point is almost an afterthought. The relationship was done long before.

 

If she cheats (and not all women who leave the relationship do this by any means), it is just the final sabotage to the relationship, like you mention.

 

I think we are getting rather far afield of the original topic of this thread though. My apologies to piscis.

[OFGnomore]

It's been my observation, through reading this site and other online articles, as well as speaking to friends, that women generally cheat differently than men.

 

Women who cheat have often made a clear decision to end the marriage before beginning the affair but are too cowardly (to put it bluntly) to confront their husband. Once the affair is exposed, the woman is already on a path to divorce and doesn't sincerely look back. In fact the affair is often used to sabotage a marriage that the woman already wants out of but doesn't want to take responsibility for ending directly.

 

Men use cheating to fill a personal emptiness often without a desire to end the marriage.

 

Women use cheating to sabotage the marriage AND fill a personal emptiness.

 

Yes, both are cowardly and selfish.

 

In my observation, I see men use affairs as taxis out of a marriage more than women. I think when women are done, they just go for it. They've got emotional support through their legitimate relationships. I think men still fare better in dead marriages than women do and women are more likely to divorce w/o someone waiting in the wings or the use of a taxi. JHMO.

 

But I also agree that most men and women are in As because of personal emptiness.

[spriggig]

...I think when women are done, they just go for it.

 

Yes, more men than women cheat. And women, whether they cheat or not, are done with the marriage before they leave.

 

Of the subset of people who cheat, most men haven't completely disconnected from the marriage where as most women already have.

 

That's why many more cheating men reconcile than cheating women. The BS, be it a man or a woman, usually wants to reconcile, at least for a while after D-Day but the cheating women will have none of it while the cheating men are willing to try.