OW hosted a party and invited H and BW

[aeh]

Thinking about Carbon Copy's thread got me thinking.

 

Just wanted to explore the mindset of the OW...when my H and his MOW colleague were in the midst of their A, she hosted a Christmas party at her house and invited us. It would have been very unusual for someone in her position at the company to invite someone in my H's position at the company to a party at their house. My H had recently had sex with her in her house (though not in their marital bed--he was too freaked out by it and so they did it in the guest room and he told her he would never come back to her house for a rendezvous). I would just like to know what was going through the OW's mind. We didn't end up going in the end due to a conflicting engagement/schedule.

 

I am assuming of course she just wanted to size me up, see what the competition was, perhaps get a little thrill of being around her lover in her H's and his W's presence...What else was she thinking? What did she want to get out of it?

[jj33]

That is so low. Its a way of flaunting her "secret" in front of you without you knowing it. Youd go say what a lovely house, lovely party and shed be thinking I was effing your H here just the other day.

 

What an ick thing to do. Ick ick ick.

 

So glad you didnt go. So so childish and awful. Hope it scared your H half to death that she would even invite you. He may have a bunny boiler on his hands

[jthorne]

Because she's tasteless, has no tact and no soul. That comment will probably get me banned, so be it. Sometimes, I just can't comprehend the depravity of people.

 

She has some bad karma coming her way.

Edited June 24, 2010 by jthorne

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Really gives you an idea of the frame of mind of the woman you were dealing with! Probably not a terribly healthy individual!

[Spark1111]

Thinking about Carbon Copy's thread got me thinking.

 

Just wanted to explore the mindset of the OW...when my H and his MOW colleague were in the midst of their A, she hosted a Christmas party at her house and invited us. It would have been very unusual for someone in her position at the company to invite someone in my H's position at the company to a party at their house. My H had recently had sex with her in her house (though not in their marital bed--he was too freaked out by it and so they did it in the guest room and he told her he would never come back to her house for a rendezvous). I would just like to know what was going through the OW's mind. We didn't end up going in the end due to a conflicting engagement/schedule.

 

I am assuming of course she just wanted to size me up, see what the competition was, perhaps get a little thrill of being around her lover in her H's and his W's presence...What else was she thinking? What did she want to get out of it?

 

She wanted to size up her competition, get the thrill too, be extra, extra sweet to you....

 

Aeh, you know I had a similiar experience. Out with friends and his co-workers at a nearby resort beach and he must have told her his plans for the weekend. The affair was fairly new.

 

Out of the blue, she (a co-worker) calls him to say she is visiting her aunt at the beach that day and could she join us all for a drink?

 

She does and I buy her the drink. Becomes my instant best friend, telling me all about how terrible her xH is to her young son. I commiserate with her.

 

What game was she playing......?

 

Ick, ick, ick is right.....

 

And for some OW, it IS A HUGE competition with the BS obviously. Isn't this the same woman who cried abuse at the hands of her xH also? Only for you guys to find out the divorce was really about being discovered in bed wth the boss?

 

I think our idiot spouse's may have been involved with sisters.

[Mimolicious]

What was she thinking? She wasn't thinking.

 

She wanted to get off feeling that she had reign over you. I guess it is the need for thrills that drives people like this to do half the sh*t they do.

 

I also went through something similar and more than once!

My exH used to have his h8e set up at a table next to ours at functions or she would show up at places she knew we would be at and stay close by. Of course, at this point I just thought she was just "one of the girls from the hood" since I knew who she was. Pathetic and classless. Whatever!

 

I am pretty sure that nowadays when they are out in a public place her neck must hurt from scoping every single table for "familiar/repetitive faces":lmao:

 

Sparks- I got the cousin. LMAO!

[Adunaphel]

You cannot really know. (nor can we).

Perhaps she wanted to have a look at you (BS), or perhaps as both of you as a couple, perhaps she actually felt thrilled to have a "secret" to flaunt in your face, perhaps she was hoping in a D-day, perhaps it was your H's idea, perhaps she thought that it would be easier for him to choose if he could compare you in person, perhaps she was trying to break off the affair and thought that seeing you in person would help her in this regard by making her feel guily, perhaps she was not thinking at all.

Whatever the reason, it's good that you did not go!

[MizFit]

You said that you didn't go because of a conflict in schedules. I'd be more concerned that my H didn't say a resounding 'no' and come up with a reason to not go. Was he actually intending on putting you into that situation? Personally, I find that more reprehensible than being invited.

[Fieldsofgold]

Those guys sure picked some losers, didn't they!

[Spark1111]

You know, motivations for engaging in an affair differ from person to person: validation, affection, flattery, a clean slate in which to re-invent yourself anew in the adoring gaze of someone attracted to you.

 

Maybe love, in some cases.

 

But for others there is a darker and more sinister reason to continue. It may or may not even be conscious for them, but it does exist:

 

Power and revenge; having the ability to compete and win over the object of your desire.

 

Doubt they post at LS, but they are out there!

[Fieldsofgold]

Maybe she was trying to establish some sort of relationship with you and him together, so you would not think it odd in the future that your husband would be at her house or otherwise socializing with her.

[Corporate]

 

I am assuming of course she just wanted to size me up, see what the competition was, perhaps get a little thrill of being around her lover in her H's and his W's presence...What else was she thinking? What did she want to get out of it?

 

Does her husband know about the affair? Are they still together?

 

How remorseful is your H and what is he doing to fix things?

 

What happened to the "dream guy" that you met and was thinking about leaving your H for last December? Did you have an affair with him or is he still around waiting?

Edited June 26, 2010 by Corporate

[White Flower]

You know, motivations for engaging in an affair differ from person to person: validation, affection, flattery, a clean slate in which to re-invent yourself anew in the adoring gaze of someone attracted to you.

 

Maybe love, in some cases.

 

But for others there is a darker and more sinister reason to continue. It may or may not even be conscious for them, but it does exist:

 

Power and revenge; having the ability to compete and win over the object of your desire.

 

Doubt they post at LS, but they are out there!

All interesting words!

 

(ex?)MM had one such A. He and his exOW were together 20 years or so. Both couples best friends, vacationed together, kids grew up together. If W told OW they just had sex in the hotel room OW would stare daggers, then take him upstairs herself later on to 'fight it out' if you know what I mean. It was all unthinkable, all unspeakable.

 

Not saying I'm any better, but when he fell in love with me he would tell me that this A was not sordid. I didn't know about the priors, so I thought he was saying (thinking he was a first-time cheater) that he assumed all As were sordid but pleasantly discovered they are not. Now I know what he was telling me was based on prior experience. He respected that I didn't have the need to get close to his family or flaunt my presence to his W.

 

What is really interesting is the friendship between the two couples lingered off and died all on its own even as the APs tried to keep it going. Eventually that died too.

 

Further, the exOW complained that MM's W didn't know how to keep friendships going, didn't honor friendships. My guess is his W had suspicions and just backed off. Another guess is that the exOW NEEDED the friendship in order to keep the A going. Think about it, if you can't get info from the MM, you can always get the W to confide in you. When she lost that, she lost a second pair of eyes.

 

Too complicated for me!

[Mino]

Hi there, The question you really should be asking is " what were THEY thinking? Why seperate the scum bag husband from the OW? He obviously felt comfortable to bang her in her house, even if it was in the guest room. What surprises me is the focus here is the OW and how horrible she must be, where your husband is the poor victim cause he couldnt even bang her in her own bed that she shares with her husband. Does it make it better that he did it in the guest room? Obviously he thought about going to the party too , even if it was just for a moment. i am sure they BOTH had discussed this before you got your invitation. in my opinion he is just as guilty as she is.

[White Flower]

Hi there, The question you really should be asking is " what were THEY thinking? Why seperate the scum bag husband from the OW? He obviously felt comfortable to bang her in her house, even if it was in the guest room. What surprises me is the focus here is the OW and how horrible she must be, where your husband is the poor victim cause he couldnt even bang her in her own bed that she shares with her husband. Does it make it better that he did it in the guest room? Obviously he thought about going to the party too , even if it was just for a moment. i am sure they BOTH had discussed this before you got your invitation. in my opinion he is just as guilty as she is.

Exactly. I'll never understand how a BW can forgive the WH yet continue to hold the OW responsible for the A. And I speak as a BW.

 

I heard on Friday from MM that his W's new nickname for me is 'Bimbo', lol. I wonder if she would call her best friend of a quarter of a century a bimbo if she knew about that A or all the other APs a bimbo if she only knew about them.

 

I didn't know MM very long before I began to trust my gut and then investigate him. I'm not feeling very much like a bimbo, especially given that I only saw him once a week and not all day every day all of my adult life. If she only knew what I knew. Still, I would never call her a bimbo.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi there, The question you really should be asking is " what were THEY thinking? Why seperate the scum bag husband from the OW? He obviously felt comfortable to bang her in her house, even if it was in the guest room. What surprises me is the focus here is the OW and how horrible she must be, where your husband is the poor victim cause he couldnt even bang her in her own bed that she shares with her husband. Does it make it better that he did it in the guest room? Obviously he thought about going to the party too , even if it was just for a moment. i am sure they BOTH had discussed this before you got your invitation. in my opinion he is just as guilty as she is.

 

Exactly. I'll never understand how a BW can forgive the WH yet continue to hold the OW responsible for the A. And I speak as a BW.

 

I heard on Friday from MM that his W's new nickname for me is 'Bimbo', lol. I wonder if she would call her best friend of a quarter of a century a bimbo if she knew about that A or all the other APs a bimbo if she only knew about them.

 

I didn't know MM very long before I began to trust my gut and then investigate him. I'm not feeling very much like a bimbo, especially given that I only saw him once a week and not all day every day all of my adult life. If she only knew what I knew. Still, I would never call her a bimbo.

 

My guess?

 

She's interested in the OW part and is already dealing with her H's part in this.

 

If she wanted to discuss her feelings about her H's culpability, she would have mentioned it in the OP.

 

Changing the focus from the OP doesn't change the fact that what this OW wanted to do was pretty scummy.

 

Stay on topic ladies.

[White Flower]

My guess?

 

She's interested in the OW part and is already dealing with her H's part in this.

 

If she wanted to discuss her feelings about her H's culpability, she would have mentioned it in the OP.

 

Changing the focus from the OP doesn't change the fact that what this OW wanted to do was pretty scummy.

 

Stay on topic ladies.

Oh I think we're pretty much on topic. OP is looking for answers and part of the answer lies within the fact she is focusing on H being an angel worth forgiveness and OW who is the she-devil. We're just calling them as we sees them.

 

I will say though, that there IS a double betrayal when the OW befriends the W. I just don't get it, and couldn't do it.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh I think we're pretty much on topic. OP is looking for answers and part of the answer lies within the fact she is focusing on H being an angel worth forgiveness and OW who is the she-devil. We're just calling them as we sees them.

 

I will say though, that there IS a double betrayal when the OW befriends the W. I just don't get it, and couldn't do it.

 

No. I think you are wrong. She hasn't said a word about thinking her H was an angel. That's a HUGE, yet common, assumption here. Almost always made by OWs or the never-married.

 

She asked about the OWs actions, not her H's. So its off-topic and only serves to ignore the actual question she asked. She didn't ask to be redirected to her H.

 

You are right about you two calling them as YOU see them. Its what you want to focus on that's the issue. She wants to focus on OW, you want to focus on her H. So its off-topic.

[Fieldsofgold]

Oh I think we're pretty much on topic. OP is looking for answers and part of the answer lies within the fact she is focusing on H being an angel worth forgiveness and OW who is the she-devil. We're just calling them as we sees them.

 

I will say though, that there IS a double betrayal when the OW befriends the W. I just don't get it, and couldn't do it.

 

I'm not trying to be ugly here, but I do read post after post by OW, especially in the early stages of their A, where the WH is the poor unloved, unappreciated, persecuted, misunderstood man who has lived for 29 years without sex with his frigid wife (and their 14 kids), and the BS is the she-devil who would force a saint into an affair. Really, it's the same concept.

 

The BS (maybe) places more blame on the OW, and the OW places the blame on the BS.

 

This tends to be human nature. We protect what we have the most investment in.

[NoIDidn't]

The BS (maybe) places more blame on the OW, and the OW places the blame on the BS.

 

Oh no, a BW is NEVER to place ANY blame on the BLAMELESS OW. I mean, if she took care of her H, he wouldn't look elsewhere.

 

This tends to be human nature. We protect what we have the most investment in.

 

Funny this. First the MM is the main investment, up until it sounds like someone wants to blame an OW. Then? They quickly divest themselves of him and he becomes the horrible person.

 

The double-talk around here is interesting. The OW focusing in on the fact that there was a scheduling conflict. Who's to say the MM in question wasn't glad there was a scheduling conflict? Then he could say to OW "we can't come. Scheduling conflict" instead of "How sick that you would invite both of us and risk a D-day? And how sick that I want to see you so badly that I'm stupid enough to consider it?".

 

The conflicting thought patterns are also quite telling. The "saintly" MM HAD to cheat on the shrew. But when the Saint does something to see the OW that ANYONE would find disgusting, its suddenly that he's a bad person. The OW would have went along with it if no one knew, right? In this case, it was even the OW's party. She obviously didn't have a problem with what she was proposing for the MM to do.

 

That's why I say talking about the H is just an attempt to change the topic. OWs are not saints and many do have ulterior motives behind actions taken during the affair. Denial of that doesn't change a thing.

 

I'm not going to assign motives to this OW. She might have wanted to check out aeh, or she might have just wanted to see her MM so badly she would have done anything to accomplish it even if his W had to be there. Either way, she may not have been thinking clearly about the ramifications of the invite and I think is what the OP wanted to talk about.

 

I think this thread may have been sparked by the "Knowing the W" thread, where the OP ends up feeling horrible because she found out that this W was very much part of her M and probably enjoying it. The OP hadn't considered that possibility it seemed in that thread.

 

Is it really such a bad thing to focus on things the OW did during the A? Affairs DO involve more than one person. All the "blame" can't fall on the married AP.

[Ann_Igma]

Oh I think we're pretty much on topic. OP is looking for answers and part of the answer lies within the fact she is focusing on H being an angel worth forgiveness and OW who is the she-devil. We're just calling them as we sees them.

 

I will say though, that there IS a double betrayal when the OW befriends the W. I just don't get it, and couldn't do it.

 

I can only speak from my perspective, here, but I definitely place much more blame on my H than on the OW. I will admit, I do openly blame the OW as well since she was supposedly a friend of mine.

 

However, I have got plenty more questions about the OW than my H simply because my H is still here, and I have had plenty of time and countless opportunities to talk to him and ask him about his POV on the situation.

 

If I were to guess the OP's motives in starting this thread, it'd be something along these lines:

*She wants to understand the affair inside and out so that she can 1) move on from it and 2) try and avoid any similar situation in the future.

*In understanding the affair, that involves trying to understand the feelings, motives, and thought processes from all three people involved. *She can attend IC, meditate, etc and look inside herself for her side, she can ask her H for his side, but she very likely can't sit down and ask the OW.

*However, LS has a forum full of OW who might be able to empathise and/or understand her OW better than she can simply on the basis that they are on the same side of the triangle that her OW was..

*Perfect opportunity to start a thread and get some feedback.

 

Perhaps I'm naive, but I would very much have considered starting a similar thread, and that is very much the reasoning I would have used in doing so. I'm not here to blame OW that I don't know, or even repeatedly talk down about the OW in my situation. I'm here to try and understand the affair as best I can. I am very inclined to believe that is also the case for Aeh.

[TinaniT]

Perhaps she's a horrible awful person doing it just to flaunt...

 

or perhaps she was just as caught up in the affair as your husband, wanted him to be there at every moment and invite him, see him interact in her world, and realize it would be very strange to do so if she didn't invite you as well... and, being so fully caught up in it and making the same hallmark stupid decisions often talked about in these forums that get the WS caught, maybe the same reasons your husband considered going.

 

*shrug*

Would have to ask her.

[White Flower]

I can only speak from my perspective, here, but I definitely place much more blame on my H than on the OW. I will admit, I do openly blame the OW as well since she was supposedly a friend of mine.

 

However, I have got plenty more questions about the OW than my H simply because my H is still here, and I have had plenty of time and countless opportunities to talk to him and ask him about his POV on the situation.

 

If I were to guess the OP's motives in starting this thread, it'd be something along these lines:

*She wants to understand the affair inside and out so that she can 1) move on from it and 2) try and avoid any similar situation in the future.

*In understanding the affair, that involves trying to understand the feelings, motives, and thought processes from all three people involved. *She can attend IC, meditate, etc and look inside herself for her side, she can ask her H for his side, but she very likely can't sit down and ask the OW.

*However, LS has a forum full of OW who might be able to empathise and/or understand her OW better than she can simply on the basis that they are on the same side of the triangle that her OW was..

*Perfect opportunity to start a thread and get some feedback.

 

Perhaps I'm naive, but I would very much have considered starting a similar thread, and that is very much the reasoning I would have used in doing so. I'm not here to blame OW that I don't know, or even repeatedly talk down about the OW in my situation. I'm here to try and understand the affair as best I can. I am very inclined to believe that is also the case for Aeh.

I think that's a pretty fair assesment.