NoIDidn't Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Well, here is where IC is so important: to discover what your triggers are from childhood. I married the one man who made me feel safe after a lifetime of feeling no one can make you safe except yourself. It is a painfully hard lesson to re-learn in the aftermath of an affair. Thank you! Some people allow their past to define them as lifelong victims. I refused to do that. I wanted people to judge me based on the woman I am today. It's tooooo easy to garner sympathy and opportunities from thos who feel sorry for us. I wanted my opportunities to arrive based on merit and performances and resourcefulness. But affair as trigger for childhood emotional abandonment? Oh yeah. Big time. I apologize for coming across as non-supportive or critical. I am much like you in that I said the same thing to my H (though his EA was different and shorter than what you are dealing with). I just think you should hang back a little and give him the space instead of doing the "heavy lifting" for him, even in MC. I think he is doing well in setting the tone when entering the sessions with you. I think you will get a lot more out of letting him talk it out and you listening. Let him question himself, do his own heavy lifting. I hear you about your mother and the abandonment issue. My H's EA triggered that big time for me. And I was determined to not have that anxiety control my life again. I don't regret the two years I spend in IC. Are you going to IC as well as MC? I recommend that almost more than MC. Don't get me wrong, I've not arrived by a long shot. But I know so much more about myself and my triggers now. I can hear my H say things about how he conducted himself in the EA and how he made it okay for him to do that to "us" and to himself without an emotional reaction of anger or anxiety. I learned how to not "take charge" or do that "heavy lifting" for him. And its helped me AND my M. I hope things are progressing in MC for you guys. My MC told us that it really takes about 10 to 20 sessions before the MC starts to help. We did about 12 sessions before our childcare situation made going too difficult. Stick it out. Do as much listening as talking. And leave it in the sessions instead of rehashing without that objective professional being present.
Joe Normal Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 absolutely. This is why I think MC is a joke. therapists, in MC anyway, are nothing but bulls##t artists that are not suppose to point fingers or place blame. Did you read carhill's post where he said how his MC was excellent and helped him and his ex find and amicably carry through the best decision for both of them? Simplistic judgements of complex situations are not always right - and in some cases they are totally off the mark. For you to denigrate and entire group of people you have never met and know nothing about, is out of line.
carhill Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Most of my male friends share Dexter's perspective and that's why MC, or therapy in general, is not efficacious for them. I believe in the science of the chemistry and dynamics of the mind and that we can, with effort and proper tools, change our processes of thinking and feeling. Our MC challenged us at every turn and some of the 'debates' between he and I were epic. They were part of the 'support and challenge' philosophy he espoused, in some ways akin to the 'tough love' perspectives often shared here on LS. Reading the last few dozen posts finds me thinking of the term 'acceptance', which was part of our process in MC. Acceptance of our separate and marital histories; acceptance of our words and actions; acceptance of our choices and mistakes. It was training for accepting who we are in the here and now and of the dynamic between us and to make a decision wrt the marriage based on such acceptance. I wish the OP well in her journey.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 ...I turned to my fWS and said: Do you really think it's about putting the pot away correctly? Or is it that there is tons of misplaced anger over his betrayal that was never discussed? I rest my case. Nail, meet hammer.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 My MC told us that it really takes about 10 to 20 sessions before the MC starts to help... ...him pay for his boat.
carhill Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Every situation (and MC) is different. We never heard any 'estimates' from our MC and he ultimately 'fired' us, telling us it was time to use what we learned and make decisions and move forward on our own, leaving the door open for further work with him if we wanted it.
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