bluecoconutsnowcone Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Today is the day. Something must change. Several somethings. Married for 13 months and 1 day. Realized about a month and a half ago that I am completely miserable and feeling hopelessly TRAPPED. This is not what I signed up for. This is not what I was promised. Who are you? Where is your ambition and motivation? I’m giving this 1 year. If I am still this unhappy…I’m out. 51 weeks into our marriage I finally said out loud how I was feeling. He didn’t really respond, just put his tail between his legs and said that he would try to be a better husband. 5 weeks later? Still no change. We were best friends and he took on burdens that were not his own and for that I thought he was “The One” – now I realize that my emotions got the best of me. My biological clock started ticking and I panicked. I’m not perfect. There are things I need to change. Habits that I need to get away from. But if you let me walk all over you and you never tell me what I can do to make it better…I’m not going to change. And being married to a doormat…really isn’t all that fun.
What_Next Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I am sorry to hear your marriage is not going well. I am happy to hear that you have realized it and are at least willing to give it a try. Have you thought about MC? You need to seriously wake him up to the severity of the situation. Using MC might help him realize what he needs to do within himself. LS is a fantastic resource. Welcome.
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 This made me laugh because 3 years ago...i called mine "Project Exodus" Good luck to you!
sotagoon Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) I WANT TO GIVE MY $.02 from the male perspective. I'm not dismissing how you feel...we don't know each other.....but I will just leave some small suggestions that MIGHT help. If they do great...if not...oh well! BTW......Good for you for giving it time....and be honest with yourself and him...."DO YOU WANT IT TO WORK?"..If so....tell him....not just once...but a few times. 51 weeks into our marriage I finally said out loud how I was feeling. He didn’t really respond, just put his tail between his legs and said that he would try to be a better husband. 5 weeks later? Still no change. PLEASE.....if you do notice changes...IF......acknowledge them and tell him you appreciate his working on and changing those things for YOU and the marriage. I'll bet money that when he feels like you appreciate that hard work, more will come!!!! Remember...this is a "WE" thing....not just him...He has to make the changes and then he needs your support to know that they are a beneficial change. We were best friends and he took on burdens that were not his own and for that I thought he was “The One” – now I realize that my emotions got the best of me. My biological clock started ticking and I panicked. Be careful here.....If he did this because of unconditional love...then he is a great man, but if this is due to a feeling of un-worthiness, then that's not right. He may just need help with this. Also......my opinion on this one....it can be worked on with good communication or Marriage Counciling. This is the story of ME.....and all I can say, is that I felt like after some time....it just became expectation....almost like a bill. I’m not perfect. There are things I need to change. Habits that I need to get away from. But if you let me walk all over you and you never tell me what I can do to make it better…I’m not going to change. And being married to a doormat…really isn’t all that fun. It's really good of you to notice that you are not perfect....but I can tell you from experience, I put my foot down for a long time and yeah, it worked.....but when the same thing happens over and over...same mis-treatment....not just men, but most humans are going to give up stomping their foot. Have you ever asked yourself why you walk all over him, or even better, apoligize without solicitation....ie...feel bad even when he doesn't put his foot down? All I can say on this one, is that MEN tend to let SOME things pass for sake of no arguement. (There IS some wierd double standard with how men confront women when they've been wronged...even this sometimes is theatening to women even when done in a calm and respective manner...not sure why, but some people think like that) MEN also tend to retreat to try to figure out how to solve issues/problems......WOMEN on the other hand, might solicit the help of their friends/family to help with a solution. (Men just DON'T do that...talk to other guys about marriage/relationship problems.) Edited June 24, 2010 by sotagoon
Author bluecoconutsnowcone Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 I WANT TO GIVE MY $.02 from the male perspective... Thanks so much for replying. I always love hearing what men think about stuff like this. My husband is great...except that he has no opinion. He never says no. He never has a suggestion for anything. I know that part of this comes from the fact that his dad was overly confrontational in my husband's childhood. Also, how can I encourage his to LEAVE THE HOUSE? Watching Netflix all day is not a suitable hobby. I know that we need more space, we come home at the same time and hardly do anything without the other. Looks like now is a good time to change that! For several months I was taking some classes at the gym, but due to an injury I've been unable to go recently.
just_some_guy Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Distance makes the heart grow fonder. In Jungian terms, he is being defeated emotionally by his own anima, most likely in the presence of your animus. It has been said that no man can remain in the presence of a woman's animus for more than 5 minutes. Marriage counseling and individual therapy would probably be very fruitful for you, your marriage and possibly him. Start with yourself, get to the heart of YOUR feelings and expectations, then start working outward into the marriage.
sotagoon Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks so much for replying. I always love hearing what men think about stuff like this. My husband is great...except that he has no opinion. He never says no. He never has a suggestion for anything. I know that part of this comes from the fact that his dad was overly confrontational in my husband's childhood. Also, how can I encourage his to LEAVE THE HOUSE? Watching Netflix all day is not a suitable hobby. I know that we need more space, we come home at the same time and hardly do anything without the other. Looks like now is a good time to change that! For several months I was taking some classes at the gym, but due to an injury I've been unable to go recently. No problem, I wish my GF would have made me aware of what was bothering her....That's my motivation to respond. I understand the no opinion thing....yeah, I'm sure it's tiring. Here's my suggestion, TELL him you want to do somethng (OUTSIDE of the HOUSE) that HE wants to do......before, during and after, tell him how much fun it was, how seeing him enjoy himself put a smile on your face and that you think you should do it again some time....SOON! Now if he just can't muster up the spirit to do this (for both of you by the way) then get him in to see a doctor. Meds....although I don't believe in them, I think I'm getting to the point that "I" need to try something different. (See my story here if you like: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=214146) The seperate things....great idea, but I'll tell you this, in my situation, we worked opposite hours, and she always said she liked it that way, but in the end, that put her in front of other guys (who had their own motives), outside attention and if you ask me, led to her liking anyone else's attention MORE than mine. (But that was her decision) Just be careful here.....the way to work on and have a strong marriage/relationship isn't creating space, but using time alone to cultivate your own interests...not new realtionships to replace your marriage. He!!.....I asked her one day shortly before she left, "Why do I have to fight for your time and attention with the rest of the world?" Her response: "We just went to dinner on Sunday, what are you talking about?" This coming from the woman that I lived with for 8 years. I worked 5am-5pm and she worked 3pm-12am. We pretty much saw each other on weekends....if she wasn't doing something with everyone but me. I never asked her to change her schedule, because it was what she needed to do while finishing school, but I though at least that she would want to see me when she wasn't doing those two things. I did the burden thing....payed for school, all the bills and 95% of the entertainement, and when I contested a lavish vacation she wanted to go on, I was the bad guy.....controlling and NO FUN??!!??!!!???!!!! Help "HIM" help "YOU"...and by YOU, I mean individually and the team of both of you.
sotagoon Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 MasculineMan....is your real name Chuck Spezzano? Anyway....I'm reading a book that is really good and insightful. "If it's Heartbreak, It can be Healed" By Chuck Spezzano Very much to the point of the last post. Help each other...Women need to Lead and Men need to listen. Read it...you won't be disappointed.
LisaUk Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Today is the day. Something must change. Several somethings. Married for 13 months and 1 day. Realized about a month and a half ago that I am completely miserable and feeling hopelessly TRAPPED. This is not what I signed up for. This is not what I was promised. Who are you? Where is your ambition and motivation? I’m giving this 1 year. If I am still this unhappy…I’m out. 51 weeks into our marriage I finally said out loud how I was feeling. He didn’t really respond, just put his tail between his legs and said that he would try to be a better husband. 5 weeks later? Still no change. We were best friends and he took on burdens that were not his own and for that I thought he was “The One” – now I realize that my emotions got the best of me. My biological clock started ticking and I panicked. I’m not perfect. There are things I need to change. Habits that I need to get away from. But if you let me walk all over you and you never tell me what I can do to make it better…I’m not going to change. And being married to a doormat…really isn’t all that fun. Not to be mean or anything but do you think your attitude to your marital problems is really the best way to find a solution together for them as a team? You married this man presumeably b/c you love him, yet I cannot see any love in your post, where has your care and concern not only for yourself, but also for him and your marrige gone? You say he is a doormat, yet he may be trying to please you b/c he loves you? Please seek MC and work together to resolve your differneces, before it is too late and one day many years from now you wake up to find that something that was once very precious (and can be again) has gone. I really hope you take my post in the spirit it was intended, I just don't wnat to see you throw something away that meant enough for you to take vows for the rest of your life about.
Gunny376 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Today is the day. Something must change. Several somethings. Married for 13 months and 1 day. Realized about a month and a half ago that I am completely miserable and feeling hopelessly TRAPPED. This is not what I signed up for. This is not what I was promised. Who are you? Where is your ambition and motivation? I’m giving this 1 year. If I am still this unhappy…I’m out. 51 weeks into our marriage I finally said out loud how I was feeling. He didn't’t really respond, just put his tail between his legs and said that he would try to be a better husband. 5 weeks later? Still no change. We were best friends and he took on burdens that were not his own and for that I thought he was “The One” – now I realize that my emotions got the best of me. My biological clock started ticking and I panicked. I’m not perfect. There are things I need to change. Habits that I need to get away from. But if you let me walk all over you and you never tell me what I can do to make it better…I’m not going to change. And being married to a doormat…really isn't’t all that fun. I read your post just before I had to step out to work this afternoon, and have been itching to post every since. My XHEX gave via my Father the reasons she wanted to divorce. 1. I never wanted to go anywhere, nor do anything. I wasn't raised by neither of my parents. I was raised by paternal grandparents. Who were in their sixties and seventies, had gone through send three sons off to fight WWII (One of which fought WWII, Korea, Vietnam) and one to fight the Korean War (my father). Of the three daughters? The husbands did the same. 2. I come from a long, long line of dirt poor people. I'm one of handful of grandchildren that finished high school ~ let alone college. 3. I could have probally gone farther and accomplished more had I had a mentor, and had anyone in my family that completed the 7th grade. Just to have someone sit down with me each night and help me with my homework. My father became a helicopter mechanic working under a contractor for the US Army. He like a first cousin was mechanically savvy (Who BTW retied from the US Army and is now an Air Condition-Heating Mech) ~ just couldn't spell worth a damn nor do much more than arithmetic (Adding, subtracting, multiplying or dividing ~ for higher mathematics they had to rely on some one else. He use to carry a card around with him that I made for him so he would know how to spell the word one-hundred. There's a lot to be said about higher edcuation ~ college ~ and one of them is that they can "educate" the common sense out of you. I divorced my ~ or I should say she divorced me twenty years ago. One of the reasons was becase I couldn't ~ wouldn't change ~ although she NEVER listed one thing I needed to change? The other was that I didn't have any "common sense" ~ even though she dropped out of the eigth grade? I had enough sense to finish not only the eighth grade, but the nineth, tenth, eleventh, and twelth grade, enlist into the Marine Corps, do twenty years. Go to college and get a Business Admin degree in Finance. My medical preimumns are $19.19 a month ~ my co-pay is $12 per visit. My $139 prescription ~ cost me $3 My co pay for dental = $0.00 Damn I done and went and screwed up and done something right! To the OP? You need to understand that men are like the Phillsbury Dough Boy! You need to kneed them and mold them ~ get rid of all of the crap their Mothers and Sisters taught them ~ and teach them what they need to do and be right for YOU!
trippi1432 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks so much for replying. I always love hearing what men think about stuff like this. My husband is great...except that he has no opinion. He never says no. He never has a suggestion for anything. I know that part of this comes from the fact that his dad was overly confrontational in my husband's childhood. Also, how can I encourage his to LEAVE THE HOUSE? Watching Netflix all day is not a suitable hobby. I know that we need more space, we come home at the same time and hardly do anything without the other. Looks like now is a good time to change that! For several months I was taking some classes at the gym, but due to an injury I've been unable to go recently. OP - I think that you have hit on a few things here that are the changes you are seeking. I just asked a man the other night what happened to his marriage...why did they split up....his answer, they got too comfortable with each other and did everything together. For some people that works, but each of you have to have your own unique interests as well. Is your hubby really a homebody? Has he always been like this? Being that the two of you were best friends, who was he before the marriage? What were his interests....is there any encouragement there that you could give him, positive influence to pursue those activities again...something that he can do on his own as well. When you say that he has no opinion on anything, how have you approached asking for his opinion? Just wondering if you are stating your opinion first...in which you are only gaining agreement. Five weeks isn't a lot of time to see positive change in someone, especially if they aren't sure of the changes you are requesting. Is he clear on what you are asking for, does he know the initiatives he needs to take. Are the changes really reasonable (for example, my ex expected me to drop 6 dress sizes in 5 weeks....anyone knows that is impossible). What are you working on for yourself and are you both working towards working on the marriage as well as yourselves? Marriage is not easy by any means, reading your husband or your wife's mind...just doesn't happen.....but if he is great as you say, perhaps the two of you should work on it, do MC before issuing ultimatums? It's easy to get "flustered", men and women are totally different creatures. Just some thoughts.
2ndthymearound Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Ok, I have a book to suggest, I just finished reading it and I passed it onto my husband. I decided to look at myself first and OMG, this book opened my eyes to so many things that I was doing. I am still a work in progress but I am able to let things go a little easier. It's not only helped me be a better person in my marriage but it's helped me in other areas too. My husband hasn't made much of a change but in time I hope that he will. I'm just looking at me for now. It's called, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, In Love. I've had the book for years and never really sat down to read it.
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