Ann Karenina Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My boyfriend of two years broke up with me after in January. It’s been over 5 months now and I am still not over him but I don't want to get him back and told him so (which he agreed on). We lived together and started long-distance dating over the last year when he moved back to Canada. I stayed in Europe but I wanted to move closer to him in future, we talked about marriage... He broke up with me on the phone out of the blue and I never had the chance to talk to him face to face about our break-up. He said it wasn’t about me but that he has no feelings for me anymore. There was and still is no other girl involved with him. This is all fair enough but I really want to get some closure by meeting him one more time in person. When I told him that I would be coming to Canada to meet up with him he was firstly totally against the idea and refused to meet me. I let him think about it for a while and suddenly he decided that "it could be fun" to meet up and that he was okay with me visiting. When I had my travel plans nearly set and got a date fixed he changed his mind again telling me that he doesnt want to see me anymore. I am really confused now! What is he afraid of? He wrote me ( didnt even have the guts to tell me on the phone ) that he wishes for his and my sake that I am not comin. He thinks it's a very bad idea. He didn't go into any detail why that is just saying that he thinks it will be very painful for me to fly all the way over to find that he is not even interested in meeting up at this point. I don't understand why he is acting like that as he clearly doesn't have any feelings for me anymore and there is really nothing for him to worry about when meeting me! I am at loss of what do now... He won't reply my mails and told me not to get in touch with him anymore. Please don't advice me to let it go, I want to see him a single last time and will move on afterwards. I don't even want him back and told him so. He also doesn't want me back because he thinks that we are not compatible and because he does have no feelings for me anymore.
123BeachFan Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Ann, What is your motivation to see him? Are you sure it's not because you hope that you two can reconcile and get back together?
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My boyfriend of two years broke up with me after in January. It’s been over 5 months now and I am still not over him but I don't want to get him back and told him so (which he agreed on). We lived together and started long-distance dating over the last year when he moved back to Canada. I stayed in Europe but I wanted to move closer to him in future, we talked about marriage... He broke up with me on the phone out of the blue and I never had the chance to talk to him face to face about our break-up. He said it wasn’t about me but that he has no feelings for me anymore. There was and still is no other girl involved with him. This is all fair enough but I really want to get some closure by meeting him one more time in person. When I told him that I would be coming to Canada to meet up with him he was firstly totally against the idea and refused to meet me. I let him think about it for a while and suddenly he decided that "it could be fun" to meet up and that he was okay with me visiting. When I had my travel plans nearly set and got a date fixed he changed his mind again telling me that he doesnt want to see me anymore. I am really confused now! What is he afraid of? He wrote me ( didnt even have the guts to tell me on the phone ) that he wishes for his and my sake that I am not comin. He thinks it's a very bad idea. He didn't go into any detail why that is just saying that he thinks it will be very painful for me to fly all the way over to find that he is not even interested in meeting up at this point. I don't understand why he is acting like that as he clearly doesn't have any feelings for me anymore and there is really nothing for him to worry about when meeting me! I am at loss of what do now... He won't reply my mails and told me not to get in touch with him anymore. Please don't advice me to let it go, I want to see him a single last time and will move on afterwards. I don't even want him back and told him so. He also doesn't want me back because he thinks that we are not compatible and because he does have no feelings for me anymore. It sounds like he doesn't want to let go of a relationship that he doesn't want anymore. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you or see you. I know its hard. What do you hope to accomplish by seeing him one last time? Not to be harsh, but have pride in yourself. Someone tells you they don't want to see you, don't go where you aren't wanted. You don't want to be told to let it go? I won't. But what I will say to you is have self respect and pride. IF you do go, do so as a strong person. But know that when you do go you are setting yourself up for a heartbreaking disappointment, whether is whilst you are there...or, when you get home =/
Ilovecake Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 What is he afraid of? He wrote me ( didnt even have the guts to tell me on the phone ) that he wishes for his and my sake that I am not comin. He thinks it's a very bad idea. He didn't go into any detail why that is just saying that he thinks it will be very painful for me to fly all the way over to find that he is not even interested in meeting up at this point. I'm not seeing the problem except for the fact that you will not take no for an answer. The guy seems pretty honest in what he tells you and that is that he has no interest in being involved with you or of having you in his life. Why do you want to meet him? It’s been 5 months, what other closure do you need? He knows you are obsessed and he knows it would be devastating for you to yet again hear that he doesn’t love you. I’m sure he doesn’t want to keep going through that drama over and over either. Let it go and move on with your life. Like someone said, have some self respect and save your money. This reminds me of a story. I had a friend who met a girl on the internet. He lived in Europe and she lived in the US. He insisted on coming to see her, she said no and he still flew out here to see her and just showed up on her doorstep. She wouldn't let him in and called the police when he wouldn't go away and had him arrested. He spent his first night in the US in jail and the rest of the week in a motel room till he had to fly back.
Art_Critic Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi Ann.. it sounds to me that there is another girl in the picture even though he says no... He doesn't want to hurt you and is giving it to you straight up.. Closure is all what you make it.. you are making it so you can see him face to face even though in reality you could get your closure without that.. We tend to do this during breakups to help us cope and to give us hope that things will work out and get back together. At this point being that he has made it pretty clear that you shouldn't show up then you shouldn't.. The closure will come within you not from him, if you change the way you are looking at this and look at it withe the attitude that it is his loss then it will help you heal...
LovelyDaze Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Please don't insist on seeing him AFTER he told you not to. When an ex(ESPECIALLY) a dumper says to leave them alone...do so. The moment you step over the line by taking it upon yourself to "get closure", "fix", or "get answers", you then go from being an ex to a PSYCHO ex. Listen to everyone here, get the closure within yourself. We know its hard. I struggled for so long when my ex dumped me out of nowhere. Some 9 months later, I am out there dating, hanging with friends and enjoying life! You can get there too but it takes baby steps forward, not backward.
Jilly Bean Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Hon - get a grip here. The guy says he wants nothing to do with you. So, why are you humiliating yourself by trying to force yourself on him? He's been clear - the relationship is over, and he doesn't want to be friends. Let it go. You've gotten your closure.
ADF Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Whenever someone breaks up with you "out of the blue," you can be sure of one thing: the out-of-the-blue part is on your end only. Your ex-BF is clearly hiding something from you. He was vague because he didn't want you to know his real motives. He is a coward who only cared about making the break up as easy as possible on himself. That's why he did it over the phone. Forget about contacting him. Even if he agreed to see you, you'd never get the truth out of him. He'd just lie, evade, hide things. You'd leave any meeting with him just as frustrated. Frankly, I suspect he was cheating with someone else, decided to stay with her, and didn't want to get busted. I don't know that, of course. But that would be my guess. 1
TheLoneSock Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 (edited) I am still not over him but I don't want to get him back and told him so. When I told him that I would be coming to Canada to meet up with him he was firstly totally against the idea and refused to meet me. This is what we call a contradiction. I let him think about it for a while and suddenly he decided that "it could be fun" to meet up and that he was okay with me visiting. He had sex on the brain, but doesn't anymore. I am at loss of what do now... Stop pursuing him for closure. Get real with yourself. Edit: I know it's your choice, and not saying you haven't thought it through - but please consider requesting a change of display name from admin, you may be thankful that your actual personal information (full name, if it is your name) is not on here in the future. Just a thought. Edited June 25, 2010 by TheLoneSock added
Ilovecake Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Edit: I know it's your choice, and not saying you haven't thought it through - but please consider requesting a change of display name from admin, you may be thankful that your actual personal information (full name, if it is your name) is not on here in the future. Just a thought. Anna Karenina is a very famous book by Leo Tolstoy. I doubt that's her real name.
AlwaysConflicted Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Some people need closure face to face. I totally understand where you're coming from. He broke up with you on the phone and you felt helpless. Breakups need to be done in person. It's important to see their eyes when they say "I no longer love you". It's also important that you get to vocalize your feelings and get to SEE their reaction. A phone call, email or text is total BS. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but I understand. And if you can't find any peace then get on a flight to Canada and do what you must. Don't tell him, just do it. You only get 1 chance to live and if this crazy act helps you move on then it's worth the plane flight.
ahashakeheartbreak Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Going just off your thread title: Because he doesn't want to see you. You're an ex. Simple. I'm sorry you feel you didn't get closure, but honestly, does anyone? Closure for me would be him coming back ahahaha. I can't think of a break up ever seeming ok at the end unless it's mutual. I think the closest thing to closure is just simply, it's over and done. Done.
stellaluna Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 You can't force someone to give you closure just cuz that's what YOU want. I'd freak if a girl pulled that on me! Flying across the ocean to force yourself on someone that doesn't want to see you is crazy stalker behaviour. He's moved on, he doesn't want to see you, so you have to get over it, you don't have a choice about this.
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