weird bedroom situation... and analyze this convo

[DontWorryBHappy]

So I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now and whenever we've spent time together it's been amazing.... like fireworks really. Last night was the first time we decided to try being intimate. Now, I might be strange (you can tell me if I am) but with past boyfriends the way I'd achieve orgasm is to rub myself over his penis (so that my clitoris is being stimulated). My last boyfriend was great about this and told me that if I like it that way, it should happen like that most of the time. And he really got into it and could orgasm with it as well. I'd still have regular sex too - I just couldn't get off that way. So last night with this new guy I tried doing what I'd normally do and he wasnt too into it. I questioned him and he said he was confused and was wondering if I wanted to have sex. I explained that I need outside stimulation and he tried again for a few minutes but still wasnt feeling it... so we stopped again. He suggested having sex the regular way but I was feeling awkward and disappointed by him not enjoying what we were already doing.. and hadn't experienced that reaction before. So we just went to sleep.

 

The next day, the following conversation ensued:

 

 

HIM

 

i didnt know what was goin on really

its as if we have a different idea of what sex is

now

i dont want u to think that this is all im about

thats not what it is at all

but it is important

to me

 

ME

 

honestly, its important to me too. which is why i wanted to make sure it wasnt one-sided

 

ME

 

lol. we're making this too dramatic anyway. basically here is the thing:

we dont have different ideas of what sex is.... last night i was trying to do one thing that i was used to doing (which is not the only thing i do) and wasnt used to the way u responded...

 

HIM

 

i was fine with that for a time but then it wasnt working for me any more i tried

i did it just wasnt after a min

i dont know what to say about it

 

ME

 

well u coulda say it wasnt working

said*

 

HIM

 

but i was thinking we could do it normally too

 

HIM

 

then it looked as if it wasnt gonna happen and i was just not feeling it anymore

and when i tryed ...

you would stop me

 

ME

 

well because i figured u would probably be really successful with doing it normally... but then i wouldnt have gotten there yet

so i thought if i got there first then we did it normally we'd both be happy.

: (

 

HIM

 

i donno

wasnt really what i was expecting

 

ME

 

well.... im all for experimenting. we dont have to do that if u dont like it. there are other ways..

 

HIM

 

see

i was trying to talk about sex with ya before

but it didnt seem like something u wanted to talk about

 

ME

 

when did u try?

 

HIM

 

might not have seemed like i tried

but i did

and i just stopped because i thought u didnt wanna go then

there

 

ME

 

i wanted to see what else we had first

 

ME

 

but im cool about opening up about it more now.

 

HIM

 

i dont know

i do feel a lil awkward now saying stuff

 

ME

 

?

 

HIM

 

well i dont know how u will take what i say

 

ME

 

???

when did i indicate id take anything wrong?

 

HIM

 

when i made that lingerie comment

 

ME

 

right... i was being a little too careful because i had it in my mind i wanted to take things slow. but i took it a bit extreme in that one instance and did apologize a lot for that...

and told u it wouldnt happen again

you really can be open with stuff and not worry.

 

HIM

 

well

its just how i am

im always trying to be on the safe side

 

HIM

 

so i listen and not try to make the same mistake twice

 

ME

 

well i assure you it wasnt a mistake in the first place. that was my mistake... i worried about it so much thinking i had ruined things with you by saying it.

 

HIM

 

its so

 

ME

 

?

 

HIM

 

i donno

why i wrote that

i was just hinking about lastnight

ive been for the whole day

if u dont like it my way then we lose

we both dont enjoy it that way

 

ME

 

wut way?

 

HIM

 

how u like it and putting it in all the way

 

ME

 

hey

...

 

HIM

 

/?

 

ME

 

i do like it the regular way.

 

HIM

 

but u dint say not yet

or hold on

so would kno

 

ME

 

well then i probably sucked at communicating.

 

HIM

 

thats why i was confused

 

ME

 

but i think both of us havent been communicating as well as we could

sooo... ok im just going to say everything thats on my mind and not worry about being nervous so i can clear a few things up. ok?

 

HIM

 

i guess

yeah '

do it

 

ME

 

ok

 

ME

 

so.... i am a woman. the part of my body that causes me to orgasm (which I quite like to do) is on the outside... so I need outside stimulation. i used to achieve that by doing what i tried to have us do. it doesnt work for us i can see. but thats fine because there are other ways. there is fingers... oral (if u like that?)... and then i know i would enjoy doing it the regular way in addition to that.

 

HIM

 

ive never done it and prolly never will

sorry

 

HIM

 

but i wanna make u feel good tho

 

ME

 

u do? i wasnt sure...

why dont u like oral?

 

HIM

 

cause i dont think ive done it right untill u feel good

i just dont

its how i was brought up

 

ME

 

u dont like receiving either?

 

HIM

 

i dont ask

i dont wanna sound selfish

but i do enjoy getting it

 

ME

...

 

HIM

 

just that i wont do it

 

ME

 

thats pretty odd

 

HIM

 

for american

s

but its pretty normal where im from

 

ME

 

why

 

HIM

 

i dont know

its the way i was brought up

 

ME

 

umm.. brought up?

 

ME

 

as in someone told u it was dirty or something

 

HIM

 

yeah pretty much

 

ME

 

i dunoo i mean... i actually *like* giving it. but would feel a bit slighted if i gave it but did not receive

 

HIM

 

thats why i dont ask for it

so its not expected from me

 

ME

 

hmm.. alright fair enough.

 

HIM

 

when im from people dont even kiss girls that have done it

well they say they dont

but thats how it is

 

ME

 

so if i did it i should be like banned from jamaica : (

 

HIM

 

lol

sorta

 

ME

 

D:

 

HIM

 

its not that serious anymore

but thats it

 

ME

 

well i felt a little bad a bit ago because it sorta seemed like u were ready to throw in the towel on me... like u came to that conclusion already or sumthin.

 

HIM

 

why are u worried about me like that

its about u too

if i dont like u anymore that screw me

life doesnt end there

ur a beautiful girl and there are nice guys who will try to take care of u too

 

ME

 

of course not... thats not what i mean. im just sayin it takes two people to be enthusiastic for something to work

so im just trying to see where you stand so i can know how to proceed

 

HIM

 

we'll get more comforable with each other later

and we'll be able to say anything

text my phone

i have to go

but i still wanna talk

so just text me

 

ME

 

alright.

 

HIM

 

im back

inside the house

 

ME

 

hello.

 

HIM

 

sup

 

ME

 

idk

 

HIM

 

id like to apologize for the missundestanding last night

because that whould never end sadly like it did

should*

 

ME

 

i duno.... ive been thinkin about it too and still dont really know wut to think about it : /

 

HIM

 

i just didnt feel like we were doing anything

and i couldnt stay erect like that

for long

 

ME

 

well .. u just didnt like it obviously.

thats how i used ta do it.

for sum of the time

 

ME

 

doesnt mean i dont want it the other way. actually i kinda wished we had tried it when i left. but things felt awkward which was why we just went to sleep.

 

HIM

 

yeah

i wish u had told me before now

 

ME

 

told what

 

HIM

 

 

"well because i figured u would probably be really successful with doing it normally... but then i wouldnt have gotten there yet

 

so i thought if i got there first then we did it normally we'd both be happy."

 

ME

 

oh

ya that mightve helped... but u admitted it was hard to talk about this stuff in person... it kinda is at first.

 

HIM

 

yeah and i understand thats why i cant make decisions so quickly

 

ME

 

decisions

 

HIM

 

like wether i wanna stop talking to u or not

 

ME

 

lol....

well...... good i guess

 

ME

 

cuz if u decided to just stop talking to me because things were kida weird on the *first time* that wouldla been pretty lame.

kinda*

 

HIM

 

i wasnt expecting it to be perfect

 

*end convo*

 

For some reason now I feel weird............. I'm not sure if it was the way he said some of the things he said, or if I'm still feeling weird about the whole thing. Maybe it was a mistake for me to not try regular sex with him last night. When I didn't he assumed I didn't like doing it that way at all and freaked out... But really I was just feeling too awkward to continue. I mean today I was wishing I had been cool about him not being into what we were doing and instead of letting things get awkward, suggesting we try something else. But I think I was genuinely unprepared for him to not like it. I also feel a bit of pressure... like I need to measure up next time or something. Did he handle this the wrong way? Did I? Should I brush this off and forget about it?

Edited June 24, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[alyssatranswarrior]

Both parties are handling the awkwardness awkwardly.

 

It's as if you both are saying "I dont want this to be awkward" and you are dealing with it through sheer confusion and awkwardness.

 

Is this convo happening online? It appears you are copy pasting text though I cannot be certain.

 

You probably need to go out again and get that "fireworks" back and in the best feeling moments have this talk again in person. And make it clear you will love to have intercourse if he can accept that for him to pleasure you he needs to give you outercourse and that he is not to blame in any way for the inability to give you internally stimulated orgasm.

 

He might have believed you previously had bad experiences with abuse or something and are making up this "excuse" about being inserted into. Not a lot of guys would know about girls having a complete inability for internal based orgasm. Only some get exposed to that and its certainly never educated in school or anything.

 

You need to focus less on the whole "oral" thing. He seems resistant to that off the bat in the same way women are often against it for upbringing it is a taboo act for him. Any success getting him to give you oral will be in taking it slow and turning him on about it, seducing him to the act is one way to break down his barriers on that.

 

Definitely, big thing is talk in person about this and get the sparks back while you do it so they fuel your bedroom passion for your next experiment in finding your compromised sex! Good luck

[SarahRose]

He sounds terribly boring and uncompromising.

 

I'm glad you were honest with him about what you like.

 

I don't see this as going anywhere as he doesn't seem all that interested in anything other than what suits him.

[Diezel]

Wow, that whole conversation made me cringe.

To be honest, I would have been in somewhat in the same situation.

 

Look, he definitely sounds like someone who is inexperienced and someone who WAS out to please, but you might have wanted to wait one time or two to bust out your unusual method.

 

At age 29, I would have gone along with your method immediately... but five years ago, I would have been caught off guard as well.

 

I know some people are going to call me selfish, but you just can't automatically heap him into the pile of people before him that agreed to this. I know as human beings, we're selfish about orgasms, but having this amount of awkwardness during the first time, is most likely a relationship killer. Now everytime he'll try to have sex with you, he'll feel awkward because he will be thinking twice about whether he's doing it the right way or not, which is most certainly a joykill for the two of you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Well, first of all, I think it might have been a good idea to wait a few times before introducing your "unconventional" method. The first time being intimate with someone is more about exploring each other, kissing, touching, getting to know each other's bodies...and less about "we need to do this because this is what gets me off."

 

HOWEVER. The fact that he conceded that he "doesn't do" any kind of oral or manual stimulation on a woman...and that he seems generally closed-minded about sex...would be a total deal-breaker for me. He blames it on where he's from and how he was raised, and that's fine, but maybe that just means that you two aren't compatible. About half of women can't orgasm from penetration, regardless of where you're from or how you're raised this is a fact. So to me, a guy who says "I don't do that stuff," is saying "I really don't care about your pleasure, only mine."

 

I say move on.

[BWLoca]

Unless you can't deal with the fact that he doesn't do THAT, give it another try if he's otherwise a great guy.

 

First time awkwardness that you can probably laugh about later...

[JacquesA.LeFrancais]

Unless you can't deal with the fact that he doesn't do THAT, give it another try if he's otherwise a great guy.

 

First time awkwardness that you can probably laugh about later...

 

 

Agreed...I thought it was kinda giggly myself lol. My first time with my S/O after like 5 years of friendship was just...F-ing wierd and awkward. We were like "OMG WE JUST...DID IT!?!?!"

 

lol...I am sure it will get better give it time...and...do it more? lol

[kimflute26]

Lol well I guess this happened because of *my* lack of experience too. I mean ok... I've been in 3 other relationships. Didn't really have sex with the first guy because I was around 16 and wasn't into it yet. But in my last 2 relationships that's mainly how we had sex (my unconventional method). I mean no lie, the first time I was intimate with my last boyfriend we did it that way immediately and we both orgasmed at the same time from it (yes, without him even being inside me!). HOWEVER, in both of those last two relationships the guy I was with was a virgin before he had sex with me. So I guess they didn't know any different anyway.... lol. But in this case the guy is older and has had sex before, so both of us came in with totally different ways of doing things and both of us got kinda awkward about it.

 

I'm not gonna drop this thing just yet though... Wasn't sure if things with him would be awkward from here on out but this morning I woke up to a text from him which basically said, "I know you're not awake yet but for the past couple weeks, every time I wake up all I'm thinking about is you. Wanted to say hi and I miss you." Despite the bedroom incident he actually has all the other qualities I want in a guy.... He's very sexy, hard-working, romantic, loves to be affectionate, he COOKS (made me dinner and it was great), tries to do what I like (he practiced ballroom dancing because I said I like to dance), he has paid for everything we've ever done even when I've offered, and generally just a great guy. Because of how he's made me feel away from the sheets I have to give it another shot.

 

Really I think the next times will be MUCH better (I hope). Now I just know I need to have a little less expectation, be more open, and have a lot of patience and communication. Before when I tried doing what I usually do and he didn't like it, it totally threw me off. It was like, "wait... you mean you dont like it the way I always do it? huh? but I've done it this way for years!". Well... I didn't say that but that was the mentality at the time. We'll see....

Edited June 24, 2010 by kimflute26

[VertexSquared]

HOWEVER. The fact that he conceded that he "doesn't do" any kind of oral or manual stimulation on a woman...and that he seems generally closed-minded about sex...would be a total deal-breaker for me. He blames it on where he's from and how he was raised, and that's fine, but maybe that just means that you two aren't compatible. About half of women can't orgasm from penetration, regardless of where you're from or how you're raised this is a fact. So to me, a guy who says "I don't do that stuff," is saying "I really don't care about your pleasure, only mine."

I say move on.

 

Agreed. Quoted for emphasis.

[kimflute26]

Well he *says* he wants to make me feel good too. So we'll see if he does that in other ways. If he doesn't... THEN I'll be the first to move on.

[brainygirl]

Yeah, he wants you to decide that the one and only way he's willing to try it is what gets you off . . . .

 

He sounds immature, but then I didn't read that long conversation you pasted in either. It could be that you are both immature. Try having him sit up on a couch or bed and straddle him. If you do it right its penetration and clit stimulation. Works every time.

[Sivok]

Reading that made me feel like I was experiencing something from a cringe comedy like Curb your Enthusiasm or The Office... That definitely makes things awkward between you two.

 

The first time is always a bit awkward. Best bet is go normal the first few times and once you guys are more comfortable with each other naked, then move on to the other pastures of sex

[kimflute26]

Lol, I went "ballistic" about the lingerie remark? Going BALLISTIC would've been yelling at him and not wanting to see him again or something... Exaggerate much? All I said was "I didn't know what to think about the lingerie comment." That is ballistic? Lord! Anyway I had already talked that over with him over a week before and we moved past it just fine. Or so I thought. Since he did bring it up and I might have to re-emphasize that its ok for him to be open with me. Oh, and I decided to take things to the next level with him after he asked me to be his girlfriend. Sue me.

 

Anyway, today he and I are texting like normal even though everything is still in the back of the mind I'm sure. I'm really not worrying about this anymore. I can see that I probably could've put a more positive spin on the bedroom situation but I was a little taken aback at the time and didnt know how to overcome the awkwardness i was feeling.

[bac]

A man is naturally dominant when it comes to sex. If you want him to be submissive and do the stuff in your way, don't be surprised that he will probably lose erection and would not able to perform. I am talking about the general rule.

You might find a very young unexperienced guy who has no own rules/skills, therefore you can be dominant. You might a guy who is flexible and talented at sex, so he might function for a while in a submissive way, but it is rare to find.

If you want a guy to play your specific fantasy, take it slow and do not try to do it on the first sex because any guy has plenty of performance anxiety during the first sex even without you trying to put additional performance pressure on the poor guy. It is not so easy, as you might think, to perform for a man. By the way, it is very easy for a woman to perform during sex because she is basically doing nothing, unless she is faking O.

[Confusedalways]

Oh my word!

 

That WAS awkward!! He seems kind of stuck in his ways when it comes to sex, which is sort of annoying. Perhaps once you become more comfortable with each other you can start making specific requests and such.

 

I think he handled it pretty poorly, and you handled it poorly back, although you can't be blamed for that. I probably would have gone into a whole logistics discussion as to explain myself and awkwardly babble away had someone questioned me about that . It's great you guys are talking it out, though .

[Mary3]

He sounds terribly boring and uncompromising.

 

I'm glad you were honest with him about what you like.

 

I don't see this as going anywhere as he doesn't seem all that interested in anything other than what suits him.

 

Great Answer !

 

My opinion : Dead in the bed = Dead relationship.

[Blade Runner]

OP, why do you have two accounts on this site? You originally posted this under your "kim" username, then you deleted it, but now you're replying to your thread with that username, what's going on here?

 

Regarding the original post...yikes that was awkward. That guy honestly reads like the dullest man live. Yikes...Hopefully that improves. As you say the next time will probably be better. As long as you talk about it in person, I'm sure things will go much smoother.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Blade Runner

[kimflute26]

Haha, guys I promise you he's much more charming in person. Actually we talked on the phone today... had a great conversation, laughed like usual. I'm seeing him tonight... pretty sure we're gonna hit the sheets (very sure actually).

 

Oh, and I have two accounts because when I started posting more specific stuff on this site I didn't want to use my other one anymore (because that is my screen name for a lot of other things). So to remain more anonymous I created this account and dont use the other any longer (i just accidently posted under it the first time... hence why i deleted it). If it is possible to delete an account I'd happily delete the other.

[kalikula]

Unless he's a *great* guy I would not even bother with him... Unless I'm misunderstanding the situation he sounds somewhat uncompromising and selfish in bed (Refuses to give oral and doesn't really seem too concerned about getting you off...?)

 

Although in the future I wouldn't spring that "technique" on any guys without explaining how you like it first or something.

[kimflute26]

*edit* wtf oh god.... Blade Runner, I just noticed that my past several posts have gone under THIS username. no wonder you're terribly confused.... ugh.... I just defeated my own purpose. LOL!

[seekandfind]

Yeah I completely second the poster who said you should have waited a few times before recommending this alternative method. This guy isn't a virgin so you can't mold him into being used to your way all the time. He is going to want normal "penis inside the vagina" intercourse. But that doesn't mean you can't learn to orgasm this way. My ex used to be able to only orgasm by lying on her stomach rubbing her clit with her hand while she was riding on top. So maybe you guys can try something like that.

[Blade Runner]

Haha, guys I promise you he's much more charming in person. Actually we talked on the phone today... had a great conversation, laughed like usual. I'm seeing him tonight... pretty sure we're gonna hit the sheets (very sure actually).[/Quote]

 

All the best for tonight. Let us know how it works out !

[Engadget]

I'd probably feel a bit odd if you didn't explain what you were doing ahead of time either. Lying there and having you rub on me like that wouldn't do a thing for me, and if it was going to be like that every time why bother?

 

Use a vibrator or something while you have sex.