MizzBlue72 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I finally realized that I want a relationship that I can be happy about and that makes me happy in ALL areas of my life - not just in secret. Well, after almost 2 yrs together and now he is almost finally divorced - it's done. I just didn't want to see it - stupid stupid stupid me. He wants me to be committed to him, but he doesn't want a commitment. ??? WHAT??? Nothing long term. He wants to have fun - and I understand that. It's weird - I understand that - but I can't even tell you how much that hurt me when he told me that. But again - stupidity in m,y case rules - I haven't focused on me for way too long ... He told me he is focusing on himself - and I get it. I know he needs too - I just can't believe how incredibly dumb I have been!!! He was never ever there for me when I was going through my divorce. He was too busy - too busy for a 2 second text ... yeah .... He doesn't mind thought that I am here for him to talk to. He told me all I ever had to do was ask for him and he would have left for me ... yeah. right. I was snowed - really really was. So - I realized how much power I have given him, and how I have been waiting for him to make all the decisions. Hello?? I guess my brain just left ..... I know now that we won't be together - unless I decide in my heart and in my head that today - and today alone - is all I am happy with and that I come to a decision that I am OK at never having a long term relationship - or even a possibility of one. He tells me now that he thinks he should be alone - he is destined to be alone. He saw his ex this weekend - and the talked, and talked, and cried .... He loves her - I can't blame him for that. He says he doesn't - he loves 'who she used to be' and that 'he lost his best friend'. I'm done. Please let me be done ...... He knows how I feel - and has said 'I'm so sorry' to death. He just doesn't know that I have called it quits ... What happens when you can't see what your future holds, but you have a gut feeling that staying is going to hurt you more in the end than leaving???
NoIDidn't Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Wow. What a jerk! I can't believe he wants YOU to be committed to HIM, but he doesn't want a commitment right now? Kinda sounds like the affair, doesn't it? I say walk. No run. As far as you can away from this "wipe". The nerve. Hopefully you have your family to support you in this.
Mombot Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 One of my wisest friends said, when you don't know what to do, table it for 30 days. Leave him and all of it alone for 30 days and see what develops.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 I do - have people that I can lean on. I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel - ugh. For once in many months - I am clear though. I do want to focus on me. I kept trying to fit him into my regular, everyday life. And - he's not ready. Grrr - I am angry - but more at myself that I haven't been able to move on because of the 'what ifs'. And he says that we owe it to each other to see if we would make it .....
NoIDidn't Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I agree with Mombot. I don't think you "owe" anything to him if he's not desiring commitment adn exclusivity right now. I know this is common in divorcees, but he just divorced WHILE having an A with you. I thought being exclusive with you should have been his next desire once finally free from the marriage?
bunnixkisses Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I agree with you hun. You should leave...when your gut's tellin ya to do something..you do it. Your brain is clouded with emotion..and it's preventing you from thinking clearly. However, just be aware...he JUST got out of a divorce..if you leave him too...he will start to realize how alone he really is. He will try to get one, or both you back. That's usually what guys do...you leave them..and THAN they start to realize they miss you
pureinheart Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 ((((((((((((((MB)))))))))))))...ExDM was the same way...it's all good though...hey, we can be "done" together, k. You know what will REALLY piss me off...is if home boy wants to commit when he hears of another making a commitment ...oh man...insult to injury...
Hazyhead Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I'm sorry Mizz. It's funny, through the affair, the divorce is the place you would want him to be at. But, I've read of so many situations where it has led to even more confusion. He doesn't have anyone that he can pass the buck on to now; no more reasons externally why he can't commit fully to you - now he has to own up to the fact that the reasons for hesitancy are within himself, and you're having to realise that too. I can't see this improving for you anytime soon hon. ((((Mizz))))
Fieldsofgold Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Just want to send you a hug and ES (emotional support) ((((((((((hug))))))))) take care of YOU!!!
silverplanets Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi Mb, Not sure what I can write here .. I suppose he may just not be able to commit "right now" due to all the confusion/emotions/fallout of the D ... and maybe he will feel different in a year, 2 years .... etc ... None of that's gonna help you if you've had enough of hanging on though ... I can kinda appreciate his mindset in the midst of all this confusion ...but it doesn't leave you with much to grasp on to ... There's a few on here who have made it past this stage .. and they are prob best placed to comment on whether he is just hurting/lost and this is normal (and will pass) or whether it means he really is only about him. be safe Chris
Ellin Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi MB! You sound as if you've now started to see things in a very different way. That may be a sign that you're healing. I hope you're feeling stronger and will keep getting better. But please be kind to yourself, accept all your past choices. Don't call yourself stupid. There is no one person in the world who's never done anything that wasn't wise, for some reason or another. Hugs!
Brokenlady Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 MB, Unfortunately this sounds like it will end much like my situation did if you stay. He isn't done with his W, divorce or not. If they're still crying together, etc, he's still not emotionally available to you. I can totally understand you wanting some commitment from him at this point, the unfairness of his continuing to want your commitment, and his not feeling ready to commit on the close heels of a divorce. The end thing is that he's telling you that even when the divorce is final, he isn't going to meet your needs. And frankly, he's still too tied up in the marriage or mourning to even pretend to be able to offer full avilability to you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's feels like you're so close, and yet, not at all. I got the bullsh*t, sympathy-inducing "I'm destined to be alone" line many many times. It's basically another way for him to have a pity party for himself and try to suck you in to sticking around knowing that he won't meet your needs. I'm not sure what you need to get closure on this, but you will be done when you are ready. In the meantime, please take care of yourself.
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