LK30 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Hi all, I split with my ex in February, and now being June I have had 'time out' and taken lots of advice like no contact, going to the gym, keeping busy, meeting friends regularly etc, and I have survived but I admit it's been very difficult and I still think about her everyday a couple of times a day even though I had doubts about her. (Not sure if that's natural or just means I'm not over her??!) I've always played second fiddle to my younger brother who has always had girls swooning over him and had very pretty girlfriends (yes, I feel a bit bitter!), and I just don't seem to be having any luck with girls. I feel like a ghost! It's not that I can't talk to them, but I don't go clubbing, and many girls seem to have boyfriends or don't even notice me! Because of the above issue, it just makes me miss my ex more. It's probably an illusion, but I should've just been thankful and appreciated someone taking an interest in me - as it's not like I can knock them back like my bro does!! Any thought on where I'm going wrong? I don't see myself as great looking, but I see plenty of ugly men with girlfriends lol!! Lee :-)
Perhaps Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hey Lee, Firstly, kudos to you for not going clubbing - I despite it with a passion lol You need to get rid of that mentality that you're not good enough. Don't compare yourself to your brother -- self esteem shouldn't be based on how many girls you can get. What you need to do is focus on yourself by not chasing women. Find something else to chase - like.. your passions. Confidence attracts people. If you're confident, you'll be comfortable with who you are and it won't matter if you get a thousand girls or one girl - you'll just be comfortable with who you are. What I'm tryin' to say is - don't chase women and don't centralize so much of your energy into it. The thing with love is that it just happens. You could meet a thousand pretty girls and you still may not be as happy as you would be if you met one girl. Cheers
Author LK30 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Cheers mate. I think you're right. They always say that love happens when you're not looking for it, which always makes me laugh as you don't get a job or be able to buy a house if you don't look on the net or in the paper for them! I must keep working on that mentality - I just hate the thought of being single forever as I've not had any opportunities in the last few months, and I give up online dating!!
northstar1 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Don't be so hard on yourself LK. When a breakup happens, particularly if you are the dumpee, your ego takes a beating. It's natural to then feel like no one wants you, or that you'll never find someone else. But it's simply the feeling of rejection that is giving you the uncertainty. There will be plenty of opportunities when you are ready and your confidence is restored. A few years ago, after my breakup, I was left reeling. My confidence was hit to a low level. Instinctively, I lined up a few dates and it was a mistake. I couldnt' relax and be myself, and I'm certain these girls picked up on that. So the dates were somewhat awkward. All that did was make me feel like I just couldn't find anyone. I took time off of dating for a few months, and just focussed on myself and stopped worrying about it. Eventually, I began meeting people and began to date again. You won't be single forever, in fact I bet by the end of the year, you'll be back on here, talking about dates you've been on, and wondering why you were so hard on yourself
Author LK30 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Thanks Northstar - my loyal chief advisor around here... I wasn't the dumpee as such, I just had doubts. but the more I reflect and look at relationships around me the more I think I should've been thankful for what I had as the perfect r'ship may not exist! I thought I was over it, but for some reason it's played on my mind again and I still think of her everyday (not thru choice, but a natural routine now!). I think the stag weekend clubbing and things made me realise i'm past all those nights out and I was happier staying in and cuddling up with the (now ex) gf. All I can do is keep on with the gym - but 5 months single and not a single opportunity has emerged, giving me even more reason to wish I had been happy with what I had. Still, NC is what I will persist with and just hope that somehow I will finally move on as everywhere I go I hear her name or see a car like hers, or someone I havent seen for a while and not updated says 'hey, how's the Mrs?' Perhaps fate is saying go find her, but there's no way she'd go back with me as she's very stubborn!!
Author LK30 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 (oh yeah, the stag weekend was not mine!!!)
Author LK30 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 I was so tempted to e-mail my ex just now I thought I'd better post here! 6 months separated and had a good last two months but for some reason I've slid back into thinking about her. And it was me who quit things with her!! I just don't know why I can't move on from her. Bet she hasnt thought about me for months, but I wonder if she does sometimes miss me! I think I just need to find someone else - that's the only way I can deal with it. It's not like a rebound as I've had time out. Urghh!! :-(
spriggig Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Don't email her, you know the rules! About comparisons, think about this, whenever you feel the need to compare yourself to others the first step is to CHOOSE someone to compare yourself to. And right there is where the whole idea fails. Let's leave alone your brother to better illustrate this point. Let's choose income. If you want to confirm you're well off then you'll CHOOSE to compare yourself to the homeless guy on the corner. If you want to confirm that you're a loser, you'll CHOOSE to compare yourself to Bill Gates. See what I mean? If you follow through on the logic, there are only two personal comparisons you should ever make, first yourself to the entire human population, and I guarantee you you're in the top 20% on that one. And, of course HONESTLY compare yourself to yourself. All other comparisons are folly and simply serve to confirm what you already believe about yourself.
Author LK30 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Thanks Spriggig, good advice there. It's probably just a culmination of being single for quite a long time, and part of me wondering if one day my ex will message me, but I'm sure it will never happen. Lots of friends around me seem to be happily settled in r'ship and getting married, and I just wish someone that I actually fancy would come along rather than finding myself on blind dates etc that never really work out. I guess I just have to keep positive, but can't help but miss her - especially when I drive past her workplace or go somewhere we used to hang out. I'm such a wolly :-)
northstar1 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 LK - I know where you are coming from. There is usually a period, anywhere from the 3-8 month mark, after a breakup and healing, where you start to feel ansy again and wonder about contact. It's normally when you've embraced NC and walked through the intial pit of hell and are slowly turning the corner. You aren't in agony all day long, and you are unconciously thinking of them a little less each day. At some point you think "wow, i'm letting go and this person really is becoming a distant stranger' and I think it's that reluctance to cut the last thread as well as curiosity that gets the better of us. What I can tell you is that even if you think you would be okay reaching out to see how they are, you AREN'T. Anything less than stellar from them in return will be like a fresh punch to the bollocks. And you know what? All those couples around you, your friends etc? Not all as happy as you think. Some are happy, some are fightiing, some are thinking of breaking up, and some are maybe cheating. So, grass isn't always greener. Enjoy this time as your own, build up yourself. When you least expect it, you'll meet someone and she'll blow your world up with excitement and you'll wonder why the hell you worried so much about your ex.
aeren944 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 LK - I know where you are coming from. There is usually a period, anywhere from the 3-8 month mark, after a breakup and healing, where you start to feel ansy again and wonder about contact. It's normally when you've embraced NC and walked through the intial pit of hell and are slowly turning the corner. You aren't in agony all day long, and you are unconciously thinking of them a little less each day. At some point you think "wow, i'm letting go and this person really is becoming a distant stranger' and I think it's that reluctance to cut the last thread as well as curiosity that gets the better of us. What I can tell you is that even if you think you would be okay reaching out to see how they are, you AREN'T. Anything less than stellar from them in return will be like a fresh punch to the bollocks. And you know what? All those couples around you, your friends etc? Not all as happy as you think. Some are happy, some are fightiing, some are thinking of breaking up, and some are maybe cheating. So, grass isn't always greener. Enjoy this time as your own, build up yourself. When you least expect it, you'll meet someone and she'll blow your world up with excitement and you'll wonder why the hell you worried so much about your ex. Wow, Northstar... this is exactly what I needed to read today...
Author LK30 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks Northstar - you should go into business as you could make alot of money if you charged for your advice. Although don't do it yet as I would end up skint!!
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