timbuktu93 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 (edited) Hello Guys, This is going to be my first post. First of all, I’d like to say that I appreciate what you’re doing here, creating community that sticks together and being there for each other. This is very meaningful. Now let me introduce myself. Im 34 and from Istanbul. I am an executive in advertising business. I could be considered as good looking man with very good social skills. I do sports on amateur level, play soccer every week, play tennis twice a week and do cycling occasionally. I also do DJ’ing (world music, underground ethnic music) at a neighbourhood bar as a hoby. I have a huge entourage. I have dated more than 300 girls and had relationships with 7, including 2 at high-school. Two of these relationships has survived over three years. Anyway, my problem is with the latest one. Here is the situation: The girl: 33 years old. Very good-looking. News repoter on national TV. Divorcee with no kids after a two year marriage. Consistent and cecent family life, happy childhood. Well educated. The backgroud: We have met in October 2009 on a project we have been co-working, 1 and a half years after my previous and longest relationship. She was only 3 months out of her marriage which has been the biggest trauma of her life. Her ex-husband was a drug addict and she fought to save it through almost the whole period. She was exhausted and faithless when she met me. (Wrong timing maybe?) The relationship: Too good to be true. Everything built up so fast. We fell in love. For me, for real this time. We were having so much fun. We needed nobody. She started staying at my place 5-6 days a week only after 1 month into the relationship. It was rally intense. She always described the relationship as unbelievable and uncommon. When her friends asked her what the magic about me was, she was telling them about my self-confidence, that I was capable of accomplishing whatever I want and how I made her feel happy and strong. This is waht one of her best friend told me after the break-up. The relationship lasted for 5 months. And it was like this for whole period. The passion didnt drop a bit. However, this “too good to be true” situation leaded to some downsides. Actually, to one downside, which has only came on surface at the times we were the happiest. It was flowing and flowing very fast that made her afraid. At the times we were the happiest (not all times, rarely, actually it happened only a few times), she sometimes freezed, emotionally. Not for a long time. A few hours later, she would be back and we would enjoy the flow, again. She was obviously scared of the speed and was subtly discouraging herself to be out of control with her emotions. She is a very orginized person, who wants to be in control all the time. These times I could see that she was consciously triyng to avoid the emotions and forcing herself to talk about only cognitive things. Such as, how she needs to put her life back together again (meanwhile, she quitted her job and wanted to change for another TV channel, but bcs of some proffessional reasons the deal did not work), and she should spend more time with her family, since she has been through a lot of misery and she shouldnt be enjoying life (she was thinking, her marriage was hell, she has suffered a lot and for some reason she made herself believe that she needed not to be happy so soon and she needed to deal with herself at this point rather than having a dream relationship). But as I told you before these were rare symptoms, and the rest was great. Anyway, I dont know what caused this; maybe that I was scared to lose her because of these inconsistencies, or maybe that I didnt want her to be drawn in to these thoughts, even they were rarely happening, I entered a “trying hard” routine. I started thinking about how can I sustain her without these freezes, rather than playing my dominant role in the relationship. Normally, I wouldnt even ask if she wants to go on vacation, but send her the flight info and tell her to get ready. But, then I could not even decide on what to eat for dinner or what to watch on DVD that night. I was focused on making her happy. But, when I focused on making myself happy she was even happier. This was not me. I havent felt like this and done these before. This change was after 4 moths into the relationship and I believe this has prepared the end. Because I think my self-confidence and my self-esteem before has provided her the easiness to deal with her inconsistencies, but after having lost the self-confidence and started to “try hard” to please her, subtly gave message to her that she couldnt be safe and strong while being with me. The resolution: One night, after one of these freezes, I talked to her. I told her that I was aware of whats going on and want to fix it. First, she said nothing was wrong. Anyway, I told her that there can only be two reasons: First one could be that, meeting me after a painful and miserable experience, she could have been attracted and effected by me, misinterpreted the affection as love and over the time she could have lost this affection and. I said that this was totally understandable and if this was the case Id rather want to be out. If she figured out that she was misleaded by her emotions until that time and now realised that it was a false alarm, I would understand it and the best thing for us would be to move on seperate directions. The second reason could be that, her was not prepared to give her heart away but fell in love with me despite her situation, and her unconscious would constantly telling her that there was something wrong. If that was the case, i told her that she has already passed the cognitive dimension and should let herself free. I also told her that, she might be having difficulties doing so, therefore needed to let me help her instead of stepping back. I would be happy to wait and help until she feels relaxed. And I added that she didnt need to respond right away, and could take sometime to figure out. I told her to go home and meet and talk about it later that week. It was very late and when she was getting prepared to leave I went to bed. After a while she came back, all dressed to go, and layed down next to me with her boots on. We didnt talk. I fell asleep. The next morning she woke me up with kisses and coffee. She was cheerful. She told me that she thought about what I have told her. She said that it was definitely the second reason and wanted to stay and fight those instincts. She added that me being completely settled down, having a proper life, I was by all means ready to go further (marriage, kids); it was obvious that my expectations would be to pursue this route. However, she was not like me; settled, ready whatever and would be able to meet my expectations right away. I responded, I might want to marry her some day, but that was not my intention for the time being. I would love to have her for the rest of my life, but I wouldnt expect her to marry me right away. It could be some day, but I knew that that day was not near and there was no urgency. That was my response. She felt secure again (that was what she told me), and for the next 10 minutes it was as good as it was before. 10 minutes later, doorbell rang. It was the DHL delivery guy. One week ago I had ordered some sexy underwear over the internet for her. It was going to be a present. I had fantasized to give it to her on a special occasion. That was not a right time. After I got the package in, you all can imagine what happened: Her: Whats that? Me: Nothing. Her: Whats taht? Me: Ill tell you later. Her: Come on. Me: No way. Her: What is it that youre trying to hide from me? Come on give it to me. Me: No. Its not mine. Its for a friend. This went on. She pushed. I tried to avoid. She pushed more. I panicked and told lies to repell pressure. Lies and panicked triggered the predator. My responses didnt satisfy her and the panic grew. At last, she patted on my shoulder and said, “Dont try to explain my dear, I wont believe you anyway.” It was embarrassing. She talked down on me and my urge to protect my pride exploded. I barked, “If you dont trust me, then ****-off!” This was the first time I yelled at her. She was already packed to go from the previous night. And she left the apartment. Desperate times: The minute after she left, the desperation conqured me. I called her tens of times in one hour after she left. Texted her. Apologized. Told her to give her what the pack contained. No answer. Then I paced to her home. She wasnt there. I waited about 2 hours, calling and texting. At the end of two hours, I received a text message telling that I shouldnt try since she has had already made her mind. I went back home. I tried to contact her for the whole following week. E-mails mostly. I wrote pages and pages. 3 days later, I received an e-mail with a subject, “This is to end it for good”. You get the contents of it. Later that week, I called 2 of her best friends and told them what happened, and that I was worried about her. They didnt have a clue about what happened. She hasnt told them a thing. Next 3 weeks, I did everything which are on the “dont ever do list”. E-mails, calls, texts. No sound. No sound ever since actually. Later, I decide to put myself together. Dated several girls. Bring home few of them. But didnt want to touch any and sent them away. After two weeks of no contact, I couldnt help myself and sent another mail, but this time was about one job opennig at a national news channel that she could be interested in. That e-mail was not anything more than friendly. I didnt wrtie anything about “us”. No sound again. Current Situation: After that e-mail it has been 3 weeks with further no contact. I dont intend to contact her for now. My social life is back to normal. I see girls, but not doing anything, but flirting. Mostly I am cheered up, but now I, myself, seem to freeze sometimes. I know I can live and be happy without her. Actually, I can say that Im happy with my life so far. However, I also know that I want her back Current Problem: According to your wise advices, there would always be an opportunity to create re-attraction after a period of no contact and re-filling the self-confidence. Now Im at that stage. Soon, Ill be ready for the reattraction. But, when that time comes, I wonder how to re-contact her. I am sure she wont respond when I try to recontact her. We are not at the same social circuit. Not even friend at any social media site. So, Ill not be able see her even casually. How will I show her, that I became confident again, that I became the man he loved or felt affection at the first place? I know what strategy to follow, but I lack the tactics to implement. I need advices and tactics to create opportunites and room for the second chance. It seems like a hopeless case, but I believe that you guys are capable of creating miracles as you have created this community here. I know this has been long, but I didnt want to miss details, since every of them may count. Thank you for your patience. Cheers, timbuktu93 Edited June 23, 2010 by timbuktu93
Author timbuktu93 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 This is one of the few threads without a response. Is it because its too long that nobody had patience to read all, or because nobody has any comment or advice? Is the case that hopeless?
ALombard Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 It's probably because it is very long. You also put in a lot of detail, some unnecessary. No worries though. First I have to ask you the all important question. Why? Why do you really want her back and do you think it could actually work? It seems, from what I read, that before the break up emotionally she was checking out. Usually when that happens it is very hard to win them back. You really have to look at the relationship from a different perspective. Not that of the heartbroken ex. When you do that you will be able to really break down what would happen if you two got together again. When I was dumped I wanted nothing more than to get my ex back. Did everything, worked out, saw a therapist, read books, live my life, etc. After a while though I realized that right now, if she did come back to me that, eventhough I had taken all the necessary steps to better myself, relationships are a two lane highway. I might be better but it doesn't mean she is. Understand that when a relationship ends that person you were with isn't the same person anymore. It's hard to explain that, but give it some time and you will see what I mean. One thing that worries me about you right now though is this "How will I show her, that I became confident again, that I became the man he loved or felt affection at the first place?" You're doing these things for all the wrong reasons. Don't better yourself and your life to prove something to HER do it to prove something to YOURSELF. Unless you enjoy being hung up on an ex. You said that she hasn't contacted you at all since the break-up. There's your sign, time to move on. Think about it, you never hear from her again and move on. What's going to happen? You'll meet a great new girl and take the lessons your learned from this relationship into your new one, thus making it a better relationship. Or you move on and she contacts you to give it another shot, there you go. It's a win win on your part, no one ever realizes that. I've talked to many people who have dumped their boyfriends only to have 6 months to a year go by and they're crying because they realized far too late that they let go of something good. People always think that being dumped puts you at a disadvantage. It really doesn't, it's basically a free pass to do whatever you want now. You'll miss your ex, of course. But by the time she wants to come back (if it does ever happen) you will already be over it and she can be the one left out in the cold. Cheers!
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