littlelisa30 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I've posted here before- my husband left two weeks ago. Just moved out- came home one day told me it was over and totally shocked me. I'm still somewhat in shock. We weren't having any problems, i thought we were really happy. Sex life was great, communication was great or so I thought. He won't admit it but the reason he left was he is interested in pursuing someoen else. Wasnt' an affair (probably couldn't find the time to cheat without me noticing.) but immediately after he left (next day) he was kissing her. He says SHE started it but who cares. I'm still going thru the depression phase and I'm the poster child for what NOT to do after a separation. I've been strong at times but then I crack. My husband is saying horrible things about me and I don't understand why he hates me and blames me for everything. I don't even know what went wrong. According to him it is 100% MY fault, he takes the blame for nothing. But he never acted like or told me ANYTHIGN was wrong! He is so angry at me. He has come back twice wanting to work things out and either I turned him away or he changed his mind. The one bad thing is I've slept with him since we split. I dont' know why. its not because I want him back (I would love to have my old life back but this angry crazed man isn't the guy I used to love) and to know he can hurt me so deeply and easily and not even care is enough to tell me what I need to know. He is infatuated with this new chick and even if she left him alone, I'd never trust him again. So working on our marriage is not going to happen. I think I was stil sleeping with him because I'm in so much pain every day that I can't sleep, I can barely eat (food has no flavor) and all I do is cry. I can start crying at the drop of a hat. There is nothing to look forward to. Nothing that interests me. I'm anxious, irritable and sad. But sex with him still feels good. It is different because I don't have the emotional connection but the act itself feels good. and it feels good to be wanted (however sick that is) and to hear him praise my body and lovemaking skills. Our sex life was always fabulous and we have incredible chemistry and he still pleases me. I can't go find someone else to replace that because I just can't. I'm not ready for that yet. So he has spent the night twice and he intiates the sex. Yesterday we talked for two hours afterward. Again, I am NOT trying to win him back. I just want to feel something other than sad and like I'm slowly dying, for a few hours. However, yesterday I found out that basically he and this OW ARE dating. He won't call it dating, but he told me they have all these plans, that he spent the night at her house on friday (he had sex with me after he left her that morning) and that they either talk on the phone or see eachother every day. That is dating in my book. I asked him if she knows he is still sleeping with his wife and he paled and said no she probably woudln't talk to him again if she knew. I told him I was going to tell her. He tried to talk me out of it. I know this is wrong. but I want to write a note and put it on her car or send her an email. I want him to hurt the way he has hurt me. Yes, you can tell me to be the better person and maybe I should but damn, I am SICK of feeling this way. I know its only been two weeks, but it seems like each day gets worse not better. I don't want him back. I want to stress that even if she never speaks to him again, I am going through with the divorce. My husband who I trusted and loved is GONE. He's dead to me and Ill never see him again. Yes, he's still walking around but he's changed, he's tainted. I'll never love him the way I used to. I would never trust him again, would be looking over his shoulder and I can't live that way. Right now I am probably going thru the anger stage of the breakup. I am hurt and angry that he won't even say he's sorry, that he won't acknolwedge the pain and shock he's caused. He blames it ALL on me as though I deserve this because I brought it on myself. I didn't do anything to him but love him and take care of him and be faithful and give him EVERYTHING I have to give. And he took all that and threw me out like garbage. And with no warning. SO damn it I want him to be miserable too. It is NOT fair that he's left me here with nothing and he appears to be happy and have what he wants. I am not mad at her- she's just a dumb chick who either doesn't care or doesn't know any better. I'm glad I'm ME and not HER even though she has HIM. I didn't know they were dating, that they were close emotionally, that they were kissing all the time, spending nights together. I was only told of a few kisses before she ran off with her married man. Then supposedly after that they were just friends who barely talked. BUt he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I didn't think I was hurting anyone (but myself) by having sex with him. Didn't know he was committed to someone else. I want her to know that I am sorry, and that if I knew, if he'd been honest with me I would have NOT slept with him. Because I have been on the receiving end of that situation and I would never knowingly do that to anyone. I don't owe her anything but I want to tell her I'm sorry and I want to expose him for the low life that he is. He's been having sex with me and putting his mouth, lips tongue ALL over my body and then running home to her and kissing her. That is gross. Would not want that to happen to me. I want to show her that while he is trashing me and telling everyone how horrible I am he sure runs back to sleep with me pretty quickly and while that might be demeaning to me (that he's using me for sex) she should be hurt that this new guy that she spent the night with and thought was really into her just ran out and slept with his wife the next day with no care in the world to her feelings. If he thinks she'd never talk to him again then he KNOWS what he did wasn't allowed or it was wrong. I also want her to know that he's lying to her. HE told her I was controllign (he basically adopted her story about why she left her husband) yet since he left he's called me every other day at least demanding to know where I spent the night,driving by the house to see if I"m there at night, asking who I'm dating, begging me to tell him where I've been etc. He about had a coronary when he saw that someone gave me flowers and grilled me for two days about it. I also know that he constantly asks her step dad about her where abouts, her thoughts, if she said anything and he tells me everything he knows about her (including things that arent' flattery). I don't think she'd appreciate that either. So I give her this letter (and I have PROOF that he said the things he did- about how many times we had sex and how he didn't think she'd find out) if she doesn't believe me. Yes, I set him up. It's not half as bad as what he's done to me. Yes, my motives for doing this are selfish. I want him to lose something. I want him to feel even one small fraction of what I feel. I know he doesn't feel anything over losing me so I'll go after what he doesn't have feelings for. It will serve two fold, if she gets mad and dumps him then he will be unhappy. and secondly, he will probably never speak to me again except through our lawyers. So I don't have to worry about being weak and sleeping with him. It won't be an option. And I dont have to worry about him calling me, harrasing me etc. He will just be so angry he will never want to speak to me again. He doesn't believe I'll do this (that should prove that he actually knows I'm normally not a vindictive person) but I am so tired of feeling this way of being told every day how worthless I am, that I want revenge. And its not something I'm making up or lying about. He actually thought it was ok to lie to both of us and try to woo his new love while having sex with his discarded wife. Should I go through with it? Will I regret it? even if she doesn't leave him I will be happy that she knows he didn't think enough of her (or all he cared about was himself) to do the right thing.And as far as the meeting to have sex (HIS IDEA) every single time he is the one who asked me or tried to seduce me. I have actually turned him down at times or we'd be doing it a lot more. Do I just leave it alone or do I contact her with the proof?
sedgwick Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 PLEASE leave it alone. I can 100% promise you that a year or so from now you'll be very very proud of yourself if you just completely cease contact with him right now. There is nothing else you need to talk to him about (unless you have kids, which is, of course, different.) If you contact this woman now, you will look back on it with major embarrassment in the future. PLEASE trust me on this; I'd give anything (as would, I think, most people here) if I'd just said "fine" when my ex dumped me and walked away and never looked back. I wish that once he made the decision to end our relationship I had treated him as if he had absolutely no right to ever speak to me again -- because he DIDN'T! Please make the right decision. Make it for YOU. Think of how proud you'll be in one year if you stand up for yourself and cease all contact with him. Oh, and as for her, anyone who would sleep with someone who's a week out of a marriage should know to expect that he might very well sleep with his wife again. At the very least, she's going to have to deal with how conflicted he is over you, and that's a lot for her to take on emotionally. He's a liar and a cheater -- she'll find out soon enough.
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Right now I am probably going thru the anger stage of the breakup. I am hurt and angry that he won't even say he's sorry, that he won't acknolwedge the pain and shock he's caused. He blames it ALL on me as though I deserve this because I brought it on myself. I didn't do anything to him but love him and take care of him and be faithful and give him EVERYTHING I have to give. And he took all that and threw me out like garbage. And with no warning. SO damn it I want him to be miserable too. It is NOT fair that he's left me here with nothing and he appears to be happy and have what he wants. I am not mad at her- she's just a dumb chick who either doesn't care or doesn't know any better. I'm glad I'm ME and not HER even though she has HIM. WOW. I'm in the same place you are. I'll try to break down my response: - You must go NC immediately. It really helps. - You are in the first of many stages of anger. My ex left me for someone else 10 weeks ago, and I'm in my 3rd stage of anger, which so far has been the worst. Not only intense feelings, but the longest of all the anger stages (I'm at 2 weeks and counting). So expect it to come in waves. - Oh BOY do I wish for my ex to hurt the way I'm hurting. He doesn't deserve happiness after leaving me for his new GF! Most of all though - he doesn't deserve MY happiness. It's very easy to lose your own happiness to wish misery on someone else. I'm almost at a stage where I can take all the bad I wish upon him and realise it's a waste of a wish. So I'm vowing to turn it around to wish good for myself instead. I'm worth more than this anger, and maybe these thoughts could help you too one day, if you're not quite there yet. - Yell, scream, write, post on LS, vent any way that you can to get it out of your system. DO NOT VENT TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE INVOLVED ie. your ex or his GF. There is NOTHING that you can do that Karma, and the Universe, will not do better than you can! Just trust in this. - You're very diplomatic to not hate your ex's new gf. I'm not so good with that! But make sure that it's not diplomacy that's stopping you from feeling anger. It's okay to feel it, and you must let it out. Hope that helped, best of luck!
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 PLEASE leave it alone. I can 100% promise you that a year or so from now you'll be very very proud of yourself if you just completely cease contact with him right now. There is nothing else you need to talk to him about (unless you have kids, which is, of course, different.) If you contact this woman now, you will look back on it with major embarrassment in the future. PLEASE trust me on this; I'd give anything (as would, I think, most people here) if I'd just said "fine" when my ex dumped me and walked away and never looked back. I wish that once he made the decision to end our relationship I had treated him as if he had absolutely no right to ever speak to me again -- because he DIDN'T! Please make the right decision. Make it for YOU. Think of how proud you'll be in one year if you stand up for yourself and cease all contact with him. Oh, and as for her, anyone who would sleep with someone who's a week out of a marriage should know to expect that he might very well sleep with his wife again. At the very least, she's going to have to deal with how conflicted he is over you, and that's a lot for her to take on emotionally. He's a liar and a cheater -- she'll find out soon enough. I am trying to go no-contact but he is my husband so its not as though he's a boyfriend who just cut me loose and moved on. We have to go thru a divorce and divide up some things so I will have contact with him in the future. I don't have any reason to contact him right now though. I just can't get over the fact that I want him to suffer. I know I should be the better (I just typed bitter lol) person and let it go but you don't understand how much abuse I've taken from him the last two weeks. Its not as though he was content to just turn my world upside down and tell me our marriage was over with no discussion- NO- he had to go and destroy everything- my self esteem because he was constantly blaming everything on me, WILL NOT take one shred of responsibility for his leaving. Says I was so terrible I drove him away. He has NO remorse. Its almost like he is a sociopath who truly enjoys hurting me. That bastard smiled this eery grin when he sat down and asked me if I wanted to talk (the day he left me) He took so much pleasure in hurting me and when I don't appear to be hurting (when I put on a strong facade around him) he gets furious and attacks me with everything he can think of. He was NEVER like this during our entire relationship. In talking with my counselor she actually says his behavior sounds like he has an undiagnosed mental disorder. HOnestly, if he would have just been civil, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now. If he would have just admitted he wanted to be with someone else (yes I'd be angry and sad) but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. It is that simple. But instead he had to tear me down and let me know that he does not cherish one damn day we were married. He complained about everything. Told me he doesn't know why he ever married me. RUined every memory I have of all the good years we spent together. If he woudl just acknowledge that he DID love me and didn't want to hurt me I wouldn't be so angry. But he has rewritten our entire history so drastically in his mind and told so many lies about me that he believes them all now (as does his family friends etc I'm sure) I don't even trust my own judegements anymore- I truly thought we were happy (because he TOLD me this, his actions reflected this and I knew I was happy) and now he acts like he was so miserable he couldn't stand it and had to escape as fast as possible. And his new gal (that he says he is NOT dating, whatever..) The reason I don't blame her is that she is just too dumb. She ran off with another married man for a few days after getting involved with my husband literally 24 hours after he left me. Karma will get her. The only reason I want to contact her is to hurt HIM. I don't think she is inveested enough to get hurt and if she is oh well thats her problem. and honestly I think she believes every lie he's told her about me so I think she would be SHOCKED that he continued to talk to me, sleep with me, and want to come home. I know it is wrong to contact her and tell her what has been going on but the urge to do so is SO strong. I want to shake his life up. If he'd just left me alone and not have put down everything I ever did for him, I wouldn't want revenge. But he just seems happy and he has an instant replacement for me and he doesn't miss me or hurt about anything. So I want him to feel pain and loss like I am. Because if his instant replacement leaves him he will be alone just like me and he can have a taste of his own medicine. And if she doesn't leave him no big deal, at least he will have what he did hanging over his head.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 WOW. I'm in the same place you are. I'll try to break down my response: - You must go NC immediately. It really helps. - You are in the first of many stages of anger. My ex left me for someone else 10 weeks ago, and I'm in my 3rd stage of anger, which so far has been the worst. Not only intense feelings, but the longest of all the anger stages (I'm at 2 weeks and counting). So expect it to come in waves. - Oh BOY do I wish for my ex to hurt the way I'm hurting. He doesn't deserve happiness after leaving me for his new GF! Most of all though - he doesn't deserve MY happiness. It's very easy to lose your own happiness to wish misery on someone else. I'm almost at a stage where I can take all the bad I wish upon him and realise it's a waste of a wish. So I'm vowing to turn it around to wish good for myself instead. I'm worth more than this anger, and maybe these thoughts could help you too one day, if you're not quite there yet. - Yell, scream, write, post on LS, vent any way that you can to get it out of your system. DO NOT VENT TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE INVOLVED ie. your ex or his GF. There is NOTHING that you can do that Karma, and the Universe, will not do better than you can! Just trust in this. - You're very diplomatic to not hate your ex's new gf. I'm not so good with that! But make sure that it's not diplomacy that's stopping you from feeling anger. It's okay to feel it, and you must let it out. Hope that helped, best of luck! I'm sorry you are going through this as well. You are lucky (if you can calll it that) that you are at ten weeks. I'm only at two and it still hurts like hell. My husband just totally shattered my entire life without warning. And I hate him for that. I hate that he took everything we had together (it was a good life) and flushed it down the toilet just for a freakin CHANCE with someone else. THis other woman has told him she doesn't want to date him, that she's going away to school in the fall and will never have time to see him etc. So basically she can be a f*ck buddy for the summer and this is what he threw me away for. And its not about sex either because we were having plenty of that during our marriage and it was good and even he will tell you that. That hurts too because that can only mean he felt something missing in our emotional connection and feels that with her. I WANT him to be angry at me for something I ACTUALLY DID. Because all of his reasons why he hates me are bogus. He has just adopted the EXACT same story of his new gal. She left her husband for being controlling etc so now he has the same story even though I wasn't any of the things he said I was. So if I let this info that could cause him grief leak to his new gal then he actually has a reason to be mad at me. Good. I know he doesnt' deserve my happiness but right now the only thing that will make ME happy is to see him suffer. To see him have to be uncomfortable or go thru some unpleasant feelings. Because he doesn't have a care in the world. He left his worthless wife (according to him) and now has a new infactuation that he enjoys seeing and talking to every day. And I'm just sitting here surrounded by broken pieces of my old life as though a tornado went thru and I'm wondering what the hell happened??? So I'm not quite there where I can be the better person and just let it go. I want to cause him just a fraction of the pain he has caused me. If he wanted to leave so badly he could have done it a thousand ways differently that would have caused me less pain.
scatterd Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 In my opinion I think now its out in the open its not as fun as it was for him.Of course he will blame you he has to come up with a reason why he is cheating.They will not trust each other they both know what each other is capable of.Try not to let him know how unhappy you are.Do not kiss him or sleep with him.He is going to regret this but you are still letting him eat his cake.Don't tell him where you have been he lost that control when he dumped you.You can find someone so much better that will love you and be faithful.This is his loss let him deal with it.He will hurt when you are not around him and the real life has set in. Good Luck I feel for you in time you will feel better.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 In my opinion I think now its out in the open its not as fun as it was for him.Of course he will blame you he has to come up with a reason why he is cheating.They will not trust each other they both know what each other is capable of.Try not to let him know how unhappy you are.Do not kiss him or sleep with him.He is going to regret this but you are still letting him eat his cake.Don't tell him where you have been he lost that control when he dumped you.You can find someone so much better that will love you and be faithful.This is his loss let him deal with it.He will hurt when you are not around him and the real life has set in. Good Luck I feel for you in time you will feel better. Thanks for your reply. See, the thing is YES it is STILL fun for him to be with her because he DIDN'T cheat. I know that sounds crazy because in 99% of cases there would be cheating. But I found out he has done this before (long before me). I would have never guessed. When he wants to exit a relationship (or apparently becomes interested in someone else) he sort of lines the other person up or makes sure he has a replacement or someone he can pursue and then leaves before any cheating occurs. Yes, while we were still together (a week before he left) he set up a date (going to a park) with the OW because he said he needed to talk to her about her divorce and what he was going thru. That he was having the same problems with me that she had with her husband (he is friends with her step dad so he had heard what she was going thru). They met on the day before he left me. Supposedly on this day she told him that she would NEVER date him (hence the excitement of the chase) and they would only be friends. Obviously that was just a line. She kissed him the day after we split and it was on from there. Now they spend every day together it seems like (from what he's told me) So there wasn't any sneaking around or the excitement of an affair. She was someone for whatever reason caught his eye (we are about equal lookswise) even have the same eye and hair color. She's taller but I have a nicer body (not that it matters) So there is no excitement that is going to wear off. the excitement of getting to know someone new and flirt and discover is just beginning and that makes me so mad. It would be like if I was out somewhere and a cute guy flirted with me, so I thought about it for a week and then went home and told my husband it was over and then immediately started hanging out with the other guy and began dating him. I'd have an instant replacement and the euphoria that goes along with that. That is what he has and that is why I am angry. And no, they dont' have trust issues becasue he doesn't care if she ran off with the other guy. Beause he thinks she is interested in HIM now. He's not going to hurt when I'm not around because he has her and the only reason he's still hanging around me is because she hasn't slept with him yet so he uses me for those needs. When she starts having sex with him I'll never hear from him again. (not that that is a bad thing)
jilted&jaded Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 There's an old saying that goes something like this... "When you're out for revenge, you may as well dig TWO graves. One for the other person...and one for YOURSELF." I found out the hard way, that this is very true. I got with a man 15 years ago that was straight out of a divorce. I was just out of a relationship with a man 17 years my senior that I was still very much in love with, but because of our age difference, he never took my love serious. He "cared" for me, but he wouldn't let himself fall in love with me because he was convinced it would never work. I was only 23 and he was 40. I can remember him telling me that I was still "growing" and that when I would be in my prime, he would be turning in to an old man. And though I would have done literally ANYTHING to prove him wrong...he just wouldn't accept me as a "real" love interest. Anyway...we ended up breaking up because I caught him cheating on me (over the phone) with an older woman. I left him, but it was the hardest thing I EVER had to do. Ok, so back to the guy who came after him-(Rick) the one straight out of a divorce. It seems that his ex-wife was still in love with him, just like I was still in love with Mike. So to get back at Rick and I, she goes and starts dating MIKE! (I'm sure by now, you're getting confused) so to sum it up...here's a graph. (lol) Nikki + Mike Rick + Mona Nikki and Mike= BREAK UP Rick and Mona= BREAK UP Nikki + Rick Mona + Mike (So we basically just traded partners) Ok, so Mona and Rick had two girls together from their marriage. And then Mona and Mike ended up getting married. (BOUT KILLED ME!) And on their wedding night, they bring the girls to us so that they can go on their honey moon. I have never wanted to scratch a bride's eyes out so bad lemme tell ya! Anyway...it was on this night that I decided I was gonna get pregnant, just to get back at Mona for marrying the love of my life. EVEN THOUGH I was now with HER EX-HUSBAND! And that's just what I did! I stopped taking my birth control, and within two weeks, I was with child. Mona literally THREW A FIT when she found out, and when Mike questioned her as to why she even CARED, she said it was because Rick had a hard enough time paying his child support as it was, so how could he afford a new baby? But we all knew it was because she was still in love with Rick. And even though I was now pregnant with Rick's baby...I was DEFINITELY still VERY MUCH in love with MIKE. Ok....fast forward 15 years. Rick has passed on. He had cancer and died at 49. Little Ricky (our child together...though I love him with all my heart) has been the HARDEST...most DEMANDING, smart-mouthed, self-centered child that I have EVER seen in my life! Some days, I feel like just driving off a bridge because he simply WEARS ME OUT!! Mona and Mike divorced after 12 years of marriage, because (guess what?) she found out he was cheating on her with a YOUNGER woman! She left him, and took a broken heart with her. Mike is now married to the younger woman and they have a child together. She's about 33...he's 58. What happened to him not being able to be with a woman younger than him??? And though it seems like he can't possibly have that many women left to go through, it wouldn't surprise me if he throws her away in a few years too. Because you see, he gets tired of the women he's with after a while. And no matter how much they love him...he trades them in on a newer model, with out a shred of remorse. Believe me, I know this is a long post, but there IS a moral to this story, and that is... Revenge is not something you need to persue because life has a way of working things out FOR you. I wanted revenge on Mona...I got it back ten fold. Mona wanted revenge on ME...she got it back ten fold as well. Just let it go honey. Don't let a filandering husband fester your heart. It eats at you like a cancer, believe me. Just let go and let God. He has a plan for your life, and it's exactly what you need. You may not be able to see it NOW...but you will in the big picture. Don't dig your own grave by trying to get revenge. Dig yourself up OUT of the hole instead! Trust me on this one...I've been there!
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Ok, so I've calmed down- this damn rollercoaster ride is making me sick! Not missing him as bad as I was a few days ago. Maybe no contact really does help. This is only the third day but oh well. I move out of our old house next week (into an apartment) I will miss it but all our memories are there and I just can't stay. I still HATE my husband though and want him to be miserable. I just cant' believe how quickly he's moved on and how he has everything in life the same and my life is completely different now. Maybe if he'd given me some warning or things were bad between us for a even a little while before he left this wouldn't be so hard. It is almost like he died but worse because he is still out there and he's happy without me. I doubt he will ever look back. the one thing that is bothering me is that memories keep popping up out of nowhere. Just this morning I suddenly started thinking about this huge lake we just found a few months ago that we were going to take our boat to and go fishing and camping this summer. I remember us going there on a nice sunny day and walking through this campground and around the lake holding hands and talking. This morning I woke up with a cat laying on my back and for a second I thought it was my husband's arm around me. Such little things I miss. I have to stop talking about it now cause I'm getting upset again. Why dont I remember the things that bothered me, like his smelly socks on the floor, his refusal to wear deoderant at times, his constant wanting to buy something new, his inability to sleep in past 9am. Why do I only think of the good times?
wrencn Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Lisa, What starts in chaos ends in chaos. Just live your life and I promise you everything in his will come crashing down eventually. I also get to a point where I can only think of the good times and then I feel so guilty and believe it is 100% my fault, so I make lists of all the bad things he has done to me over the years so I can remember when I get all sentimental and start placing him on a pedestal.
Author littlelisa30 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Last night he called me and we had a long talk. He admitted he is always angry not because of anything I did to him or said but because HE is angry with himself because he feels he made a rash decision and that he is regretting it. Said he still loves me and misses me and he thought he could just move on with life and not have to deal with our problems (that I wasn't aware we had) I told him maybe it would be better for us to go no-contact (I had been trying this for three days and was feeling better and had plans for a "cleansing day" on saturday. I was going to go through all the letters and cards and jewelry and notes and everything that he gave me and the scents that remind me of him (our soap, shampoo, his deoderant and cologne), eat our favorite foods, watch the shows we normally watched, and listen to songs that make me cry. Sort of a way to go through as much pain as possible all at once so maybe the little things won't affect me anymore or hurt as deeply. Then I was going to burn the notes, the cards etc and just put the other stuff away somewhere I'd never see it again. Well he messed that plan up because he showed up at the house on saturday and we talked and yes, we had sex (STUPID STUPID I know but it was good and not much makes me feel good anymore) and he left after awhile and then I tried to carry out my little ritual and some of the songs did make me cry but basically it was like I didn't care. I didn't yearn for him. So the idea didn't really work. It seems like the more often I see him the less I miss him because he's not the same guy I loved and the reality of it makes me miss him less because when I'm in pain and missing him I'm missing our PAST and who I thought he was. If that makes sense. Anyhow we talked last night and I decided the best thing is for us to not talk. I'm tired of the ups and downs. if I tell him this he will just try to talk me out of it. So I did a STUPID thing that everyone (except a guy friend who is married) told me not to do. I sent his new love interest an email telling her I'm sorry and what he's been up to. I know I will regret it but I was hoping he will be so MAD at me he will have no desire to speak to me. Today around lunchtime he called me (I'd already sent this but I doubt she read it yet) and told me he loves me and wants to work things out. That he is so sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize how much I meant to him till I was gone. We are going to talk tonight. I am going to tell him in person that I can't go back. THat I am done and I'm sorry. I need strength to do this but it has to be done.
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