sg64 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Hi folks, newbie here. Phoned g/f up on a friday night 4 weeks ago to ask what time we were meeting for drinks (regular thing) (both in our 40's) she said she was tired and didn't fancy doing anything, then out of the blue i was dumped and told she needed space within a 5 min phone conversation. We had only been going out for 4 months but i had fallen head over heals for her, looking back with my head not my heart, I sort of knew she wasn't giving 100%, she even admitted it too. I didn't constantly call her, do the TMT thing but i did contact a mutual friend to gain an insight into her thoughts. The message i got back was that she didn't know what she wanted right now but needed space. there are work, money and her ex issues too. She deleted me off f/b the next week and text to say she was not happy about my decision to contact mutual friend and discuss us, i text back and agreed and said it would not happen again. At this point i decided on NC and have kept it up for 11 days, to give her the space she requires, and to help me after reading advice My problem is that i do tend to over analyse stuff. I know i still want her back and my suffocating her with love can be addressed. Things are getting easier day by day but it's the conflicting stuff on here about N/C that is giving me doubts. Some say it is only a way of healing yourself, whilst others advocate it can make her miss you. Just feeling today that each day that N/C goes on it is pushing her further away as it looks like i don't care. She does however know that i love her and was upset at the split Any advice or pointers would be much appreciated Thanks in advance Sg64
Circular Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 When someone says "I need space" they are saying their interest in you has dropped very significantly low for the time being. Maybe its temporary over-saturation, maybe she doesn't feel your the right guy. Regardless you need to disappear for awhile. Whatever her reasons, don't try to rationalize you being NC into "She may think I dont care" - Why do you care what she thinks? Don't you think, given the way she dumped you that IF SHE CARED SHED REACH OUT TO YOU and try to make reparations for dumping you?? You caring has nothing to do with the equation. 0 + 1 still = 1 Stay NC, go on with your life. Oh, and don't ever try to 'check up' on an ex through 'mutual friends' you never know where there alliances are. Lastly: She deleted me off f/b the next week and text to say she was not happy about my decision to contact mutual friend and discuss us, i text back and agreed and said it would not happen again. At this point i decided on NC and have kept it up for 11 days, to give her the space she requires, and to help me after reading advice You should have never texted her back at that point, she already had made it clear she didn't want to do anything with you anymore. You need to stay NC, hold your ground, work on yourself.
Author sg64 Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Thanks Circular for your thoughts, much appreciated. have been working on myself a lot over the last two weeks, very good advice for anyone. Hit the gym big time and paying dividends already. just hit a low spot today and needed to talk to someone, going from real highs to real lows, sometimes in the same day! Know i can't make her mind up for her, if i contact her i am not respecting her request for space. Not trying to get her back seems strange though and really sucks at times. The hard thing at the moment is really LETTING GO, once i get my head around that i should be ok I suppose i need to harden up but when you have been the same for 46 yrs it's hard to change overnight many thanks sg64
Circular Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Letting go is hard and I feel your pain. Am not sure you can actually harden up to it though its more you have to learn to suppress the feeling and stop it from making you do something and then find an outlet for it - gym, hike, bike, kayak, play an instrument, whatever works. Personally I find journaling works the best I just use a note application and write my thoughts, it usually helps me get out of the situation.
hurtingalot Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I agree, letting go is extremely hard, which I'm experiencing now, in that with her and I, I was already NC for 2 days, thinking she needed more time/space for healing and hope, then she called yesterday, in which she stated the need to be friends right now, which re-hashed a lot of things, seeing as though we were in a relationship for 5 years. Just be strong and work on yourself. The love you have for her right now, and I know this sounds very hard, but put that love energy into your passion(s) outside of the relationship for a while, and I think you will see a change, even if a small one, in yourself. In our relationship, the entire breakdown was based on feelings of uncertainty over things I indirectly did, as well as miscommunication, in which I feel so bad for now, but now she knows my reasons for things I didn't do then, as well as knowing how I've changed over time, so you can't rehash it over and over - the ball's in her court right now. I am a believer of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' but truly we have no idea what the other person is thinking? I appreciate your post. We are similar in age, I'm 38, and was in a relationship for 5 years.
Author sg64 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks Guy's I think yesterday was just a blip in what has been a pretty good week or so for me. Have thrown myself into work and especially the gym but (nobody can be on top form every day lol) I now know and accept that a lot of the reasons for the split was my fault, I knew she had problems other that me and always listened to her. My biggest failing was to smother her with love, this must have really suffocated her and made her feel claustrophobic. So double important i stick to the N/C rule for us both. would like to think at the moment that plenty of space, and i mean plenty might help the situation for both of us, as you say Hurtingalot "the ball is in her court" I am sure she would have thought about me from time to time, just hope my actions aint Pi**ed her off completely. Thank you for your valuable time in responding to my post Regards Sg64
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