Does he still love and want me?

[VanilaSky]

Hi everyone

I know this is long but I’m hoping you can shed some light on his attitude. We were together for 2 years and in that time as most couples we had problems at times. Our fights would get very dirty in the sense that we would shout and yell while using vulgar words. We always managed to get past it until there was no more strength. I felt like I was falling out of love with him but that would quickly change when he showed me his good side. From spending hours together daily it went down to 1 brief hour. I’m aware he had some personal issues with depression and anxiety that made him even more resilient to make things words between us. Out relationship after the year mark started becoming more of a strain instead of wanting to spend time together it became more of a chore, but we both still cared about each other. He became very angry and would blow mw off to spend time with friends or would be very vague about his whereabouts. To be quite frank, I didn’t make it easy on him because I at times nagged him and questioned a bit too much. We both made mistakes by lying about small things that I don’t want to get into, but those lies made us distrust each other. From best friends we soon became enemies and I felt he was going to leave so I kept clinging on. He would break it off and then come back, this happened many times. I’ve lost the number of counts where we broke up and got back together. The relationship was a strain on both of us, I honestly believe we were destroying each other when things were bad. Without my knowledge he used to chat with girls he found on facebook and myspace even trying to get to know them and have possible dates. He even told some of his friends that he ended it with me months before it actually happened. His best friend told me this and I was shocked. He lied about so much and his way too many things.

It became such an emotional rollercoaster and any small thing he didn’t agree with that I said would end up in a big fight. In the end there was no option but to end it. He broke it off and I was devastated, I asked him many times to come back and even suggested couples counselling, but he refused. He said he wanted to get better on his own and maybe there would be something in the future and maybe not. Needless to say, I was pretty upset over this and it got me down for quite a while. After some time passed I started getting back on my feet and even met someone new. I felt he was nice and pleasant, but he just wasn’t my ex. I always compared them and the little things the new guy did I would think the ex would never do something like that or say something like that. They were two different people and while the new guy was a pleasant change my heart wasn’t in it. I told the new guy I couldn’t continue because while his feelings were growing for me, mine kind of remained for me ex. In the meanwhile my ex apparently dated someone briefly but ended it with her because she wasn’t well suited for him. I ended it with the new guy before I found out he ended it with his new girl.

The ex and I would go between contact and no contact, but every contact was initiated by me and longest time we didn’t have contact was around a month. Lately we became a bit more civil and emailed a few times just updating each other on what is new., we even spoke on msn, but when he found out about the guy he kept harping on it and asking me questions. Then he would throw it in my face about things I said while we were together. When we were dating I told him I could never love another and I’d always love him and if we were to end out relationship it would take me long to get over him. He kept throwing that in my face but I told him it was none of his business since he ended it with me. What does he expect?

Felt like it was ok for him to date and have fun while in his opinion it wasn’t ok for me to do the same. He got frustrated and deleted and blocked me on msn. I thought that was silly because I’m single and free to do as I please, I didn’t throw anything at him about the girl he dated and it’s none of my business. I was jealous, but regardless its his life.

Ever since then, our contact was very brief. Actually I only got an email reply when I asked him about his brothers upcoming wedding (brother is getting married and invited me to the wedding, I wanted to see if it was ok with the ex if I were to go) I liked his family very much and would have been disappointed if he said he didn’t want me there.

He said no problem, he has no issue with my being friends with his brother and their family, even made it a point to say it was ok if I called his parents to see how they were since I missed them.

 

That is basically the brief background.

I am seeking advice on what my next step should be. I have since that email conversation contacted him a few times via email and not once received a response. Because I used my work email to send him an email Outlook sends me notifications that he has indeed read my emails, but not responded. I am curious to know why he isn’t responding? After we broke up he said we couldn’t be friends because there were still feelings there. Whenever we made contact he made it known that it was best if we had no contact and possibly we could be friends in the future, maybe even something more, but he couldn’t promise anything obviously.

Do you guys think he still has feelings and that is why he doesn’t respond or want to be friends? Do you think there could be hope for us in the future?

I know I’m over thinking it, but while I am getting over all the issues I still have some feelings for him. It isn’t like it used to be, but I still care even thought he had put me down quite a bit, more than anyone ever before. I don’t know why I still care.

Should I continue to not have any contact with him and heal or should I continue with this up and down situation and hurt myself in the process while hoping there might be a future for us?

I am at a loss and don’t know what to do…

[VanilaSky]

can anyone help?

[romango]

can anyone help?

 

 

The answer should be obvious.

[Pink_orchid]

He doesn't love you and/or still want you. No. It's obvious. The thing is, read your own post, and I mean this kindly and do mean well, why would you want to resume this destructive dysfunctional relationship. You are like a drug addict addicted to a drug.

 

Walk away.

 

I am sorry for your pain. You might think it's easy for me being on the outside looking in, but I have experienced it and so I do know what you're dealing with. I had a relationship that sounds like yours, he hurt me that much, but I loved him and I kept on taking it. Years later I look back and think what the hell was I doing - he treated me bad, put me down, hurt me and I still went back for more.

And I kept going back for more, for years. Don't do it. I wasted so many years.

I am stronger now and hope you will be soon, there's plenty more fish in the sea!

[Ilovecake]

Vanillasky how old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

 

I'm thinking this is possibly your first relationship ever.

 

So here is the deal. If someone breaks up with you, never contacts you, ignores your messages, says they don't want any contact with you and you have not seen them in quite some time. They are not your boyfriend and they do not want to be and they do not love you. Stop comparing people to this guys because truthfully he doesn't sound even half way descent.

 

Stop pestering your ex. Find someone you like for who they are not for you you want them to turn into, someone that loves and respects you. Then you will see what a REAL, normal, healthy relationship is. What you have with this guy is a figment of your imagination.

[VanilaSky]

No, this isn't my first relationship.

 

We are both 32.

[VanilaSky]

He doesn't love you and/or still want you. No. It's obvious. The thing is, read your own post, and I mean this kindly and do mean well, why would you want to resume this destructive dysfunctional relationship. You are like a drug addict addicted to a drug.

 

Walk away.

 

I am sorry for your pain. You might think it's easy for me being on the outside looking in, but I have experienced it and so I do know what you're dealing with. I had a relationship that sounds like yours, he hurt me that much, but I loved him and I kept on taking it. Years later I look back and think what the hell was I doing - he treated me bad, put me down, hurt me and I still went back for more.

And I kept going back for more, for years. Don't do it. I wasted so many years.

I am stronger now and hope you will be soon, there's plenty more fish in the sea!

 

 

I believe you understood my situation the best and you obviously know where I am coming from. I'm getting weird signals from hi, he is hot and cold. Once I try to be normal and move on, he somehow shows me he still might care and then drops me again like a hot potato. I always keep going back for more, I don't know why. We had many plans for the future and I feel that he really was the one for me.

[sweets_guy]

I feel like everyone is different when it comes to a relationship. I think you should give him time and let him contact you. I think that he still has feelings for you, but he might just be confused. Maybe he's scared of commitment or getting hurt or maybe he needs time to evaluate his own feelings about everything. Just be patient. When you least expect it, he will contact you. The less you talk to him, the more he will think about you and wonder what you're doing.

[Jilly Bean]

Who cares if he loves or wants you?

 

It's a toxic relationship, and you shouldn't want to be in something so intensely unhealthy and codependent.

[Hurting101]

I'm not sure that he's giving you mixed signals. He asked you not to contact him, hasn't contacted you for the most part and he's ignored the majority of your attempts to contact him.

 

If you're hoping to get back together, the best thing you can do is to respect his request and give him some space. This may give him the chance to miss you. What you're doing at the moment is counter productive to the outcome you're trying to achieve.

 

The best thing to do during this time would be to focus on yourself for awhile. The thing that will make you most attractive to others is that you're happy and living a full life. Go out with your girlfriends, make some new friends, find some new hobbies and shop till you drop. Forget about him for awhile. If you can build your self esteem it's only going to make you more attractive not only to him but many other men as well. I suspect that that with a bit of distance and time to yourself you may view this relationship in a very different light and you may not want him back, you'll want something better for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[VanilaSky]

I feel like everyone is different when it comes to a relationship. I think you should give him time and let him contact you. I think that he still has feelings for you, but he might just be confused. Maybe he's scared of commitment or getting hurt or maybe he needs time to evaluate his own feelings about everything. Just be patient. When you least expect it, he will contact you. The less you talk to him, the more he will think about you and wonder what you're doing.

 

 

That is really sweet of you to say, thank you. I really do try to not contact him often, but there are times when I just in spur of the moment end up emailing or messaging him.

[VanilaSky]

Who cares if he loves or wants you?

 

It's a toxic relationship, and you shouldn't want to be in something so intensely unhealthy and codependent.

 

Perhaps I am just used to having him in my life.

[VanilaSky]

I'm not sure that he's giving you mixed signals. He asked you not to contact him, hasn't contacted you for the most part and he's ignored the majority of your attempts to contact him.

 

If you're hoping to get back together, the best thing you can do is to respect his request and give him some space. This may give him the chance to miss you. What you're doing at the moment is counter productive to the outcome you're trying to achieve.

 

The best thing to do during this time would be to focus on yourself for awhile. The thing that will make you most attractive to others is that you're happy and living a full life. Go out with your girlfriends, make some new friends, find some new hobbies and shop till you drop. Forget about him for awhile. If you can build your self esteem it's only going to make you more attractive not only to him but many other men as well. I suspect that that with a bit of distance and time to yourself you may view this relationship in a very different light and you may not want him back, you'll want something better for yourself.

 

Good luck!

 

 

You're absolutely right he has told me to not contact him until he reaches out and I still do it. I don't know why, sometimes I just miss him; other times I think about the way he has treated me in the past and I think wow I don't deserve that at all.

 

I'm mixed up when it comes to him. There are times when we are in contact and he is really nice then as soon as things aren't his way he gets all bossy and pushes me away.

 

 

If he doesn't care about me why does he keep pictures of me in his house? Why does he add me to msn at all? Over and over again? or responds to any emails? ?I feel like he gives me enough just to keep me coming back just so I don't move on and find someone else permanently. I know my contacting him is my fault but I feel he doesn't make it any easier on me at all.

[Hurting101]

I know how hard it is. To try and work out somebody's motivations when you're no longer in their life is almost impossible. The best thing to do would be to reclaim some of your own power over how you feel.

If you make no contact and get busy with your own life then he has no more power to make you feel confused or upset. If he starts making regular contact and is respectful in the way he speaks to you then maybe you can consider giving it another chance. Until then, make your life great without him in it.

I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say. I'm struggling to get to a nc place with my ex too but I'm determined to get there for my own sake.

Edited June 26, 2010 by Hurting101
typo