chise Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Hello - i am new here, i am going through a very complicated situation and i need advice. I know this seems so wrong but i really need constructive comments. We met four years ago and we always get along very well but as we do not live in the same country we never got really close. He is 34 and i am 38. Three months ago we start to talk every day and things progressed until we went on a date. It was awesome. From then it was clear that something more was going on. We met again and we had the best time ever, we slept together and he was clear saying that he didn't want me lo leave and he wanted to see me everyday Things are great. We feel so well together, we have a great chemistry and i feel relaxed with him. We have same interests and we can talk for hours. He always wants to know what i like to do in order to organize our dates and he tells me everyday he wants to see me. Problem: Both of us we are in live in relationships. I am leaving my bf (not because of the new guy, we are best buddies and even if i love him he is more like a friend). I do not want to be the affair, i do not want to hide and i do not want him to see me as not good enough to be his gf. I do not want to waste my time and i just want to do normal things that people do at the beginning of a relationship. How can i explain this to him without make him freak out ? How much credit can i give him ? I am sure he is really interested but if this continues this way i am settling to be always an understudy and i worth better that this. Thanks for reading this. Your comments are really appreciated.
torranceshipman Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Go visit the OW/MM board on here and read some stories. Spare yourself the heartbreak and tell the guy that you do not want to be anything but friends until/unless he single. Believe me, you will spare yourself so much hurt if you do that! And also you need to finish your current R showing respect to your current boyfriend as surely he deserves that. And giving him credit? Don't give him any. Just stand firm in your belief that you are indeed better than someone's understudy, or someone's mistress. If he threatens to end it because you said this, then you can see that he has NOT got your best interests at heart, and never wanted to really value you in the first place - so walk away. If he steps up to the plate and ends it with his girlfriend and makes it official with you then you know you have something. But DON'T offer to wait. Friendship now, and only friendship, until/unless he ends his current R.
O'Malley Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 You know what is fair to your boyfriend; you're obligated to him first. Only afterwards should you tell your friend that you want to be together, just as soon as he is free to be with you. Until then, you need to move on with the life you have right now. You can not and should not live for a potential -- your circumstances are still the same, you both still live in different countries. It will be his turn to step up to the plate, if he truly loves you. No more dates, no intimate chats, no sex with your friend as long as he is still in a relationship. No excuses, or you will keep being the other woman, because you allowed it.
Author chise Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Thank you for your responses. I know you are right and he should come free before being together. I understand that sometimes it is difficult to break a current relationship because of the shared memories and affection, but regardless if we can work this out or not his gf is better without him. I will fix my situation with my bf but fortunately this has nothing to do with my friend. It is scary and certainly very sad but we cannot continue together. He is a great person but we do not have the same way to see family and life and one of us is going to be frustrated until we finally head the crash. I guess this was the main reason to grow apart, just to protect ourselves. I was thinking about my motivation to pursue a relationship with my friend and the possibility of a rebound situation. I do not think this is the case. I really like him as a person and i feel good with him. I am not head over heels because every day i try to step back and don't allow myself to be too involved. And i do not like to have to do this, i would like to can be myself and give to this a real try. Thanks again.
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