piscis Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 We stated the A Wife found out She threw him out. He left for 2 months and he talked about not coming back home, he bought things for us (furniture) He went back in order to be with their 7 year old girl. He is telling me that he is moving out. I know this is almost near to impossible. We are still together but I can not stop reproaching him for making me believe he was not returning home. Today I am just very very sad. Why if I know he is not leaving I am not able to leave him either. The other day we were supposed to spend the night togeher (as he travels a lot it is common he stays) he was arriving from a trip at 8 pm, then he told me he could not stay because he had plans with his daughter I mean he leaves 3 hours away from the airport what plans could he have at 11 pm on a week night with a seven year old, anyway at the end he stayed with me. We had the opportunity to stay together last Monday (he was supposed to leave on a trip on Monday but at last minute he was leaving first thing on Tuesday) he told me he was not able to stay because he was on a medical treatment because he had an stomach ake, and the treatment was having jell-o from dinner!!! at the end he did leave on Monday to the trip. He is asking me to be patient, that he loves me and he is only there to be with his daughter but I really do not know how to handle this anymore. I am on therapy because I know this is not healthy, I ended the relationship on Monday just to call him 3 hours later because everyone is telling me taht if we decided that he would leave on september I should give him that time and then decide. All comments are well recieved
jj33 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Oh Sweetheart RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can. He is telling me that he is moving out. I know this is almost near to impossible. Listen to your gut. We are still together but I can not stop reproaching him for making me believe he was not returning home. Understandable. The other day we were supposed to spend the night togeher (as he travels a lot it is common he stays) he was arriving from a trip at 8 pm, then he told me he could not stay because he had plans with his daughter I mean he leaves 3 hours away from the airport what plans could he have at 11 pm on a week night with a seven year old, anyway at the end he stayed with me. So he lied to you. Or he broke inappropriately late plans with a 7 year old - you choose the correct answer. We had the opportunity to stay together last Monday (he was supposed to leave on a trip on Monday but at last minute he was leaving first thing on Tuesday) he told me he was not able to stay because he was on a medical treatment because he had an stomach ake, and the treatment was having jell-o from dinner!!! at the end he did leave on Monday to the trip. OK so he lied again and... how many more times does this need to happen to you? He is asking me to be patient, that he loves me and he is only there to be with his daughter but I really do not know how to handle this anymore. And he will continue to be there for his daughter in September I am on therapy because I know this is not healthy, I ended the relationship on Monday just to call him 3 hours later because everyone is telling me taht if we decided that he would leave on september I should give him that time and then decide. There is no "we" here it is HIM or him and his wife. YOU are not a decision maker in this process. "Everyone" is feeding you the lines you want to hear and hurtig you in the process. They dont want to see you hurting (today) so they are fobbing you off with false hopes. All comments are well recieved Sweetie the man is playing you. You can see that he is lying and yet you STILL want him to leave to be with you because.... he is suddenly going to change his ways through the power of your love? No hes not because he is lying to you now. So NOTHING good is going to change except that he can lie to you while sharing the same bed at night, except when he is travelling or going for exotic medical treatments. Im sorry. Everyone wants their happy ending and I am truly sorry it sounds like this wont be yours. Listen to those who really care about you and tell you to leave. Dont listen to those who are feeidng you fairy tales. If you leave him what is the worst that can happen? He will not leave? Right now you are enabling his cake eating ways. If you leave him (1) you get your life back in time and (2) if he does leave then fine but you have started your healing process. You already dont trust him and are resentful. That is only going to get worse if you stay. RUN LIKE THE WIND
Mimolicious Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Welcome! Does his W know that he is still with you? That makes a huge difference, didn't see that in your post. If he gave you a time frame and you guys both agreed on it then I guess is just a matter of letting time take its course. Why are you out of your element if September is still few months ahead? Seems to be some inconsistency in his stories. what plans could he have at 11 pm on a week night with a seven year old, anyway at the end he stayed with me. You are right, what plans can he gave so late at night with a 7yr old? But don't forget that this is his child and maybe he promised her to tuck her in after being absent from being away on business. Hope he doesn't leave his kid in the dust.
Author piscis Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Thank you JJ33 and thank you for being empathetic and not rude I do not think I could stand rude today. I know what I have to do. I just do not have the strenght. I have told him 5 times in this 2 months (since he went back) it is over just to call him later to give it another chance.
Author piscis Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Thank you "mimo" His W does not know. As a matter of fact he denied it. I mean if he truly wanted to leave that was his chance. He is lying to me, he is lying o her and we are all lying to ourselves I mean it was pretty obvious he had an affair W knows and prefers to ignore the fact as long as he does not leave, I know he is staying and I still believe that miraculously he will change his mind. And I think they both are using the little girl, I mean before the A was discovered he was never home he prefered to be distant with the girl in order to protect her when he departed (he talked about leaving always but when the opportunity was clear he decided to returned, I mean he told me he was sure an possitive that he was not going to be home for more than a year) so he uses her as an excuse to stay in a marriage he is unhappy and uncomfortable with, his W uses her in order to excuse his betray when he kicked him out he told him to think on the girl, when he refused for a while to went back he told her to think on the girl I mean if someone truly think about the little girl would now that staying together just tells her that it is Ok to be unfaithful, that on the future she should stay no matter what for her kids sake. I am not telling they donot love her with their lives I am sure they do
Mimolicious Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Thank you "mimo" His W does not know. As a matter of fact he denied it. I mean if he truly wanted to leave that was his chance. He is lying to me, he is lying o her and we are all lying to ourselves I mean it was pretty obvious he had an affair W knows and prefers to ignore the fact as long as he does not leave, I know he is staying and I still believe that miraculously he will change his mind. And I think they both are using the little girl, I mean before the A was discovered he was never home he prefered to be distant with the girl in order to protect her when he departed (he talked about leaving always but when the opportunity was clear he decided to returned, I mean he told me he was sure an possitive that he was not going to be home for more than a year) so he uses her as an excuse to stay in a marriage he is unhappy and uncomfortable with, his W uses her in order to excuse his betray when he kicked him out he told him to think on the girl, when he refused for a while to went back he told her to think on the girl I mean if someone truly think about the little girl would now that staying together just tells her that it is Ok to be unfaithful, that on the future she should stay no matter what for her kids sake. I am not telling they donot love her with their lives I am sure they do Piscis- If he can do this to his own child (comment in bold) he can sure do the same to you. He's trying to be distant with this coming/going, spending/not spending the night so when he drops you, you wont know the difference. Doesn't sound to me like he is going to leave. Only you know if you are willing to stay in an A with him or just move on and find someone else that is worth your time. Be strong. My opinion- run and run fast!
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 We stated the A Wife found out She threw him out. He left for 2 months and he talked about not coming back home, he bought things for us (furniture) He went back in order to be with their 7 year old girl. He is telling me that he is moving out. I know this is almost near to impossible. We are still together but I can not stop reproaching him for making me believe he was not returning home. Today I am just very very sad. Why if I know he is not leaving I am not able to leave him either. The other day we were supposed to spend the night togeher (as he travels a lot it is common he stays) he was arriving from a trip at 8 pm, then he told me he could not stay because he had plans with his daughter I mean he leaves 3 hours away from the airport what plans could he have at 11 pm on a week night with a seven year old, anyway at the end he stayed with me. We had the opportunity to stay together last Monday (he was supposed to leave on a trip on Monday but at last minute he was leaving first thing on Tuesday) he told me he was not able to stay because he was on a medical treatment because he had an stomach ake, and the treatment was having jell-o from dinner!!! at the end he did leave on Monday to the trip. He is asking me to be patient, that he loves me and he is only there to be with his daughter but I really do not know how to handle this anymore. I am on therapy because I know this is not healthy, I ended the relationship on Monday just to call him 3 hours later because everyone is telling me taht if we decided that he would leave on september I should give him that time and then decide. All comments are well recieved FBS here....and what you are describing is my DDay to a tee.... Only, I did not ask him to come home for the sake of his children; he was begging me to reconcile. And I refused, but I did allow him to stay at the home. He was such a confused mess, and he certainly could not deal with the pain he had caused me. So then he ran to her, and told her all sorts of made up stuff (like staying for the kids for now) I read their texts unbeknownst to them. It was heartbraking. She was still holding out hope for a future while he was begging me for another chance. He was desperate and confused and if I was truly going to divorce him, he was desperate not to be alone. So he strung her along for quite awhile. Don't be anyone's default choice. Please go No Contact (COMPLETELY) until this man make's up his mind. Tell him you will speak to him again when he or his wife have filed for divorce. Get off this rollercoaster now. It can only cause you more pain.
pureinheart Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 FBS here....and what you are describing is my DDay to a tee.... Only, I did not ask him to come home for the sake of his children; he was begging me to reconcile. And I refused, but I did allow him to stay at the home. He was such a confused mess, and he certainly could not deal with the pain he had caused me. So then he ran to her, and told her all sorts of made up stuff (like staying for the kids for now) I read their texts unbeknownst to them. It was heartbraking. She was still holding out hope for a future while he was begging me for another chance. He was desperate and confused and if I was truly going to divorce him, he was desperate not to be alone. So he strung her along for quite awhile. Don't be anyone's default choice. Please go No Contact (COMPLETELY) until this man make's up his mind. Tell him you will speak to him again when he or his wife have filed for divorce. Get off this rollercoaster now. It can only cause you more pain. Spark is right...you don't know what is going on when he is at home. If I were playing the "odds", I'd say this is the senerio. I really believe in your case, that you would not be posting here if your concerns weren't warranted.
sadintexas Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 What makes September the magical date? It's not like his 7 year old is going to suddenly mature and be able to process this any better than she could have when this first happened. As a matter of fact, I personally think it's more deterimental to a child to experience the roller coaster of "I'm in, I'm out". You know, daddy lives here one day, not the next, then they're back together. I don't buy it. Anyone considering the wellfare of his child would take this into consideration and wouldn't go back with another exit date planned unless there were extenuating circumstances (like illness, surgeries, etc). He's buying time to work on the marriage plain and simple. He's keeping you on a string in case it doesn't work out. I'm sorry but that's what it is.
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Thank you JJ33 and thank you for being empathetic and not rude I do not think I could stand rude today. I know what I have to do. I just do not have the strenght. I have told him 5 times in this 2 months (since he went back) it is over just to call him later to give it another chance. Would you have the strength if he were putting a knife to your throat? Same principle..... something about your soul, emotions, heart will die. Are you going to steady the knife for him or fight like you have on gasoline panties and he is holding the match?
jj33 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Kudos Bent. Listen to her Piscis. This man is gaslighting both of you (you and the W). And he doesnt deserve EITHER OF YOU hes not even a good liar. Think hard about WHY you want this man. We all want love but it should be real love, not a story we tell ourselves because we want to believe when we know the facts say the man is not a good man.
Author piscis Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 thank you all for your posts I know what I have to do I do not know why it is taking me so much time to make a decision a definite decision. anyway posting here really helps.
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