thinkinggirl Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I won't bore you with the whole story, but I feel for a man who has never been emotionally available. I feel hard- harder than I have ever felt in my life. As I was thinking of what I wanted to say, I felt so stupid when I thought of what it would look like in black and white. This is what I figured out: 1) I am an idiot. I am 39 and acted like I was 15. I have been needy, clingy, and refused to see it and him for what he and "we" were. 2) I am an idiot because I would tell any friend of mine to run, run, run... and look at me. 3) I am an idiot because I believed everything he said and made up stuff he didn't say that I also believed based on his actions. 4) I am an idiot because I still want him. 5) I am an idiot because for the past 2 weeks I have begged and tried and tried and I hate myself for that but I can't seem to stop. 6) I am an idiot because he was the most important thing in my life for a long time, and I have this huge hole and I don't know how to deal. 7) I am an idiot because I can't stop thinking of him and all the time we shared and every conversation we had. This has been the worst time I can remember in my life. I just want to be happy again and be ok with me. I am terrified I will never find that again because it has never been like it was with him with anyone else. That's where I am. I have been feeling better since I read the posts on this site. Thanks.
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 sorry, typo...fell hard, harder than I have ever fallen. Oops.
Ilovecake Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I'm 39 too. You are not an idiot. Out of all the things you listed the biggest mistake you have made is to call yourself an idiot. From what I read in your post you have acted exactly like thousands of other people have. That betrayal and loss of control somehow reverts us back to mean, vindictive, needy little children but it goes away. Unfortunately you have to do all the work to get better. Not only do they (the exs) leave us broken but they also leave us with the most difficult task of putting ourselves back together. It’s just not fare. I would say once you really, truly accept that he's out of your life and you have no control over it you will start healing. Right now it's difficult to do anything I’m sure, but you have to step outside of your heartbroken comfort zone and do stuff strictly for yourself, stuff that has nothing to do with him. Starting new hobbies and rituals and habits that do not remind you of him is a great way to occupy that free time you have to sit around and scheme plots. Start with things like changing where you do your grocery shopping, if you guys had a store you both went to. Start listening to music you never listened to with him. Watch TV you didn't watch with him. Soon you will have built your own life and regained your power.
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks for the comments. I SO don't want him out of my life, but I do want more power and to be treated the way I deserve. So I will work on me. I haven't been scheming and plotting... just crying. I did try to be friends...I would accept any crumbs to have him in my life. I've done no contact for 18 hours after two weeks of extreme contact. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. It is the hardest thing I have ever done- not the no contact but missing HIM. This just sucks.
ahashakeheartbreak Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) I am 18 years old and pretty much going through the exact same thing. First boyfriend, lost everything to him. Would do anything for him. Broke up with me in a text after a year. He has a lot of baggage and emotional and closeness problems that I am trying to teach myself is not my fault. But I have my own post on him haha, so I won't get into that. But, I'm sorry. I wish no one had to hurt like this. But just remember, you only truly have yourself. He only left a hole if you let him leave one. It gets better, I promise. His issues are not yours. Edit: Oh, and DO NOT feel bad for crying. or begging. We all do that, and it's because you were truly hurt. Emotions are going to manifests themselves.. Edited June 24, 2010 by ahashakeheartbreak
LovelyDaze Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I would accept any crumbs to have him in my life. THAT even hurt me reading it. I felt the same way that you did several months ago. I really truly believed my ex was the sun and the moon but learned that someone that significant would not cast you aside. Please don't accept crumbs. You deserve so much better in this world. As you stated, just put one foot in front of the other every single day and in the end, you will be so proud of yourself for not backsliding(i.e. calling, texting, seeing your ex again).
ahashakeheartbreak Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 LovelyDaze, thanks (: Your post helped me too.
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks, all. I have to clarify. I *would*, even a few days ago, accept any crumbs and think it was worth it to have him in my life. I'm doing much better than that now. We were friends a very long time, it grew into more, but then...nothing. It's all stupid and complicated. I expected more, he wanted less, I confronted him and said some really intense things and did the ultimatum thing- which was the right thing to do, actually. So I've lost my really good friend and the person I really loved. I know that's vague, but the details just don't matter so much. What matters is that I am not handling it well and I can't stop thinking about him. I never ever ever ever want to go through this again with anyone.
D-Lish Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Whether you're 18 or 40, it's never too late to learn to, or to start to, respect yourself. If a guy isn't treating you the way you know you should be treated- don't accept it. Don't justify it, don't invite more of it, and certainly don't chase it or beg for more mistreatment. Think of it this way- everytime you beg him to come back to you, you're telling him it's okay to treat you like crap.
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 And this is silly, but I do hope we can be friends one day. But I can't do that now.
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 I agree D-Lish. It's just SUCH a mess!
Ilovecake Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I would accept any crumbs to have him in my life. No you wouldn't. You just think you would because you're hurting and you want anything to make it feel better. Once the fog start clearing you will see that losing your dignity is not worth being in a broken relationship.
skydiveaddict Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Sorry to disappoint you, but I am the biggest idiot ever. Hang tough, you will get through this
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 Hahaha. We can share the title. And somebody better stop me from im'img NOW. I told her a week or so ago that if he wanted something with me (remember, ultimatum) he could turn on his chat and I would know- how dumb was that?!? Anyway, the chat is on....All day yesterday too. Oh help!!!!! HELP!!!! Because you all know I want that more than ANYTHING!
Author thinkinggirl Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 her? Definitely a him. Typing too fast in my battle not to IM, which I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have.
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