Lack of affection is making doubt our future :(

[Bgirl]

So this is the story everyone, I have been dating a guy for 3 weeks now and he is a good guy. By good I mean he does what he says he is going to do, calls me everyday, makes an effort to see me as much as he can, takes me to movies, dinners etc.

 

We went out and made out during our first 4 dates and I could tell he wanted more , but I kept pushing him away coz I thought It was too soon and he respected that choice and never insisted.

 

On our 5th date, you guessed it, oen thing led to another and we did it. It was great, we have done it a few more times and there is a good connection in that sense.

 

But what kills me is that he has never been affectionate, from day one ..he has never held my hand, greet me with a kiss,hug me or cuddle with me.In fact that part of us doesnt feel natural, sometimes when we are watching a movie he will almost ask me first if he can hug me.

I have made attempts to let him know that I want him to hold my hand etc but It hasnt worked.

 

Now our dating is not a relationship yet, we have talked about this and basically he said that he likes to take one thing at a time and that if it is meant to be ,he has no problem making me his girfriend, but that as of now its only been 3 weeks and we are not official. I asked him if I was his friends with benefits and he said absolutely not.

 

I am seriously thinking of cutting it right here because I have been hurt in the past and Im afraid that I am dealing with a commitment -phobe be my friends with benefits type of guy

 

I have no problem to 'go slow and take things as they come, but do you think his lack of affection is a red flag?

[make me believe]

Some people are just not very physically affectionate, and that is ok unless you are the type of person who needs physical affection. I am VERY affectionate and could never be with someone who doesn't take initiative to hug me, cuddle with me, and hold my hand. For you, his lack of affection may be a deal-breaker. Have you told him that you want/need more affection? I think you should mention it to him and give him a chance to respond to your request before breaking things off because it doesn't necessarily make him a commitment-phobe. But I do think it's pretty strange he doesn't even greet you with hug or kiss. =/

[ADF]

Now our dating is not a relationship yet, we have talked about this and basically he said that he likes to take one thing at a time and that if it is meant to be ,he has no problem making me his girfriend, but that as of now its only been 3 weeks and we are not official. I asked him if I was his friends with benefits and he said absolutely not.

 

I have no problem to 'go slow and take things as they come, but do you think his lack of affection is a red flag?

 

RED FLAG!

 

Have you ever noticed that when most guys talk about "taking it slow," they NEVER mean sex? Sex, they want right away. What they want to "take slow" is the relationship/commitment part.

 

You are clearly relationship-minded. A person like you should NEVER have sex with a man BEFORE you establish that you and he are in a relationship.

 

It sounds to me like this guy is now trying to walk a tightrope. He wants a FWB, not a GF. But if he says so outright, he knows his prospects of getting more sex from you will vanish. So, he's being deliberately vague as a delaying tactic.

Edited June 23, 2010 by ADF

[counterman]

Yep, I don't like that "taking it slow" line. Sounds like a load of crock. Takes thing one at a time? Chhyeah right. You guys have already had sex and it does seem he wants more.

 

Plus, I agree with make_me_believe. I am a very affectionate person myself and have no problem showing it anywhere (not to the point I'm overdoing it). If a girl does not feel comfortable with it or has trouble reciprocating then it becomes an issue. My last relationship was starved of affection from my ex and it was emotionally draining. That has let me wary about showing affection at all and now I tend to back off a little.

[Bgirl]

Oh guys relationships like this make me feel empty. Clearly I am relationship minded and I tend to bump into guys who have baggage and are just looking to have their needs met.

I think ADF is right because , men clearly dont buy the cow when they get the milk for free.

Something that I feel doesnt help me either in the relationship sense when I give it up too soon, is that I (with humbleness) im an attractive woman and I happen to be extremely gifted and passionate in bed, which makes men forget about my personality and just dig that aspect of me

I am not a teenager anymore and I want a relationship that's not empty and that has as much emotional chemistry as there is physical.

I just cant take it anymore, las tnight he droppe dme home and instead of feeling fulfilled I feel like there is something missing.

 

I dont knowif I should ask him to be more affectionate, I think that should come on its own. Seriously last night, out of 5 hours that we spent together he finally got close to me and kissed me after 3 hours.. before this we walked like strangers and sat down in different couches.

[Mischa Mischa]

The way you began your post when you call him a "good guy" is totally lack luster. He's not a "great guy" or "awesome guy"? You don't sound passionate at all. Are you really that interested in trying to pursue this? There are a lot of "good guys" out there, aren't you looking for someone amazing?

[norajane]

I'd bring it up. Just tell him, "you know, I'm one of those affectionate people who really likes hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling. Are you comfortable with that?"

 

Communicate to him about this before dumping him. You never know what's what. Whether he's just not the affectionate type, whether he's cautious, or whether he's not interested in being affectionate with you, either way you'll find out and can take it from there.

 

Personally, if I've gotten to the point of having sex with a guy and he can't bring himself to touch me affectionately, I couldn't go out with him. It's that whole, "so you can f*ck me, but you can't touch me?" No, I don't think so. Affection is a need, and I can't have a relationship without it.

[Bgirl]

Thanks Norajane.. thats why I feel pretty crappy today and rather empty. Because he only touches me when he wants to do it.

I dont want to ask ' why dont you hold my hand or kiss me goodnight' I think that will make me look needy or that he will do it becuase I asked him , not becuase he wants to.

I can't have a relationship like this either, whether its his personality or that he doesnt feel it with me, either way it is not good.

I will chat to him tonight I dont want to hang with him again na dwalk two steps in front of him .

[make me believe]

Ok, after your last posts I'm changing my mind and thinking that you should just drop this guy. I think that counterman and ADF are right: this guy is just in it for the sex. He doesn't hug you or kiss you, hell you sat on different couches for three hours before he finally showed you any sign of affection! When you talk to him tonight, just tell him that it's clear you two are looking for different things and it's not going to work out.

 

It sucks because women want sex too, but most guys just loooove to judge females who have sex with them "too soon" and then the sex is the only thing they're interested in. I guess all you can do is look for a guy who has a similar outlook to sex & relationships as you do. If you are looking to get into a long term relationship, be upfront about that. I told my boyfriend the third time I met him that I wasn't interested in dating around or getting involved with someone if I don't see long term potential. It didn't scare him off because he wanted the same thing. If being honest about what you want from a relationship scares a guy off, then you're better off without him anyway.

[Bgirl]

Ok, after your last posts I'm changing my mind and thinking that you should just drop this guy. I think that counterman and ADF are right: this guy is just in it for the sex. He doesn't hug you or kiss you, hell you sat on different couches for three hours before he finally showed you any sign of affection! When you talk to him tonight, just tell him that it's clear you two are looking for different things and it's not going to work out.

 

It sucks because women want sex too, but most guys just loooove to judge females who have sex with them "too soon" and then the sex is the only thing they're interested in. I guess all you can do is look for a guy who has a similar outlook to sex & relationships as you do. If you are looking to get into a long term relationship, be upfront about that. I told my boyfriend the third time I met him that I wasn't interested in dating around or getting involved with someone if I don't see long term potential. It didn't scare him off because he wanted the same thing. If being honest about what you want from a relationship scares a guy off, then you're better off without him anyway.

 

...And he didn't call me tonight! Just that extra push that I was needing. On the other hand I'm going to bed with something in my chest .

[Diezel]

How is everyone missing this?

 

By good I mean he does what he says he is going to do, calls me everyday, makes an effort to see me as much as he can, takes me to movies, dinners etc.

 

On our 5th date, you guessed it, oen thing led to another and we did it. It was great, we have done it a few more times and there is a good connection in that sense.[/QUOtE]

 

But what kills me is that he has never been affectionate, from day one ..he has never held my hand, greet me with a kiss,hug me or cuddle with me.[/QUotE]

 

Now our dating is not a relationship yet, we have talked about this and basically he said that he likes to take one thing at a time and that if it is meant to be ,he has no problem making me his girfriend, but that as of now its only been 3 weeks and we are not official. I asked him if I was his friends with benefits and he said absolutely not.[/QUOte]

 

I have no problem to 'go slow and take things as they come, but do you think his lack of affection is a red flag?[/QUote]

 

It's been THREE WEEKS.

 

It's NOT a relationship but you want all of the relationship benefits.

There are two things going on here that are the source of this problem.

 

(1) Your insecurity:

I know women need to feel a physical bond with a man, but at three weeks with NO exclusive relationship, you are complaining about stuff that is attached to exclusivity? If I tried to hold hands with a woman who I'd only gone out with 5 or 6 times in the span of 3 weeks, she'd probably wonder what was wrong with me... specially when nothing concrete had been established. You said that he is essentially a great potential relationship partner... just that he thinks 3 weeks is too fast and he's not used to physical bonding outside of sex. The fact that you asked if you two were friends with benefits is clearly showing that without a "label", you feel insecure about yourself and the relationship as a whole. Why not give it an extra week or two and see what happens without involving yourself so much emotionally?

 

(2) His lack of experience as a "boyfriend":

He sounds like a BOY and not a MAN, which leads me to believe that he is just not developed emotionally. If he ISN'T doing something that you'd like him to do... why not just ASK him? Seriously, so many problems, doubts, and over-worries could be avoided by just doing this. Maybe he's not completely open when it comes to this but needs a NUDGE. You never know that you might have a cuddler on your hands who just needs an extra push.

 

This is why a situation like this you can't just go out and DUMP.

 

You said it yourself, he's great in every aspect except the physical aspect. Even a lot of women here would be able to agree that THREE weeks is a little fast to be deciding whether to be exclusive or not.

 

I don't think I've ever been lassoed into a relationship that quickly.

 

By the way, the girl I am currently in a relationship with, we never talked on the phone everyday for like the first two months of us going out. Hell, I don't think I've ever been on a constant communication like that with any girl I've dated... so don't let the lack of a phone call decide the total outcome.

[counterman]

I did miss that... You raise a good point.

 

I think if it's affecting you this much, talk to him about it. Whether it is 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years, it is still best to voice your concerns and how you feel about certain things. Obviously something is not working for you and whilst you haven't been dating that long, he might not know unless you outright say it. No matter how early it is is, it is still an issue and it's hurting you, so talk to him and see how he responds.

[sweetjasmine]

Personally, if I've gotten to the point of having sex with a guy and he can't bring himself to touch me affectionately, I couldn't go out with him. It's that whole, "so you can f*ck me, but you can't touch me?" No, I don't think so.

 

Agreed. It's baffling to me that people would be willing to have sex with someone but would feel uncomfortable about giving them a freaking hug or holding their hand or sitting on the same couch as them. How is hugging someone moving too fast when you've already had sex with them?

[aerogurl87]

If three weeks is too soon to do the physical bonding of holding hands, cuddling, and kissing then it's too soon for sex. If the OP talks to this guy armed with such thinking, she'll get the answer she is seeking.

[alyssatranswarrior]

I have to agree with the couple of people who have mentioned this 3 weeks business.

 

3 weeks is nothing at all. Wether youve had sex or not isnt ever going to be a correlation to love. Love is affection, he does not love you yet and you do not love him. You need to give love the time to blossom. Expecting him to hold hands like its a relationship deal-breaker is basically setting up a fraudulent system for finding love.

 

The times you've heard advice that you should talk to him is ones you've said things like "but he'll think im needy". No offence but you are! Why not face who you are and tell him so that you aren't then defrauding yourself and him. There is no justice done by pretending with him to be completely ok with things at this short of a period.

 

The only relief you can get from the feelings inside is to be honest and open with him, and asking him to be open and honest with you also. And rather than say "I need you to hold my hand" say something like "I would love it if you held my hand" and suggest ways to enhance your connection rather than saying it like you are telling him to meet your expectations or its over because he is worthless at relationships.

 

Thats my take on it.

Edited June 24, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior

[Diezel]

I have another question for the OP, based on the last few opinions:

 

You said you two had sex... has it only been ONE time so far?

And if so, how much foreplay was involved in the times you've done it up until now?

[Bgirl]

I knew I would get bashed for the '3 week timeline'. I think its a valid point and I am not looking for a validation of love as it is too soon and I don't even feel this way about him either.

 

I think people here are focusing TOO much on the holding hands aspect. I mentioned affection as a whole, a sign of flirtatiousness, or that he likes to see me.Fine, if people consider holding hands as something that comes with exclusivity, I'd let that one go.All Im asking for is at least the smallest sign of interest and enthusiasm. Maybe a hug when he first sees me? Is that too much too ask? And If Im being called needy becuase of this, then I will take it. Of course I feel insecure, I am not sure whether he is in it just for sex or not.

 

 

I like to go out and be shown that someone is interested in me, I think its pretty distant to have to wait for 3 hours after you see your date for him to kiss you. I want a relationship and a meaninful connection, and I dont think I can grow in lovve with someone when the little things are not there.

 

Or forget about the physical aspect of it, how about a simple compliment at least?

Now that I remember, he doesnt even say I have been looking forward to seeing you BUT I have looking forward to 'this' referring to sex.

[Bgirl]

@Boston - I'm actually tired of diners. Interesting that you mentioned this becuase I have told him that I prefer to go out for icecream and a walk to the shore or to do something different like bowling or just going for a coffee.

Sounds like you have gone out with a few goldiggers and the rest of us shouldnt have to be blamed for that.

 

Diezel - We have had sex 3 more times after that. Foreplay doesnt last that long.

[norajane]

Did you talk to him last night? What did he say?

 

All Im asking for is at least the smallest sign of interest and enthusiasm. Maybe a hug when he first sees me? Is that too much too ask?

 

No, of course it's not too much to ask.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't be having sex with him if he's not affectionate. I think the affection should come first, then the sex. This seems backwards to me.

[Bgirl]

Hey Norajane, nope he didnt call me last night. So I couldnt talk to him..

[I'm Batman]

Honestly, I wouldn't be having sex with him if he's not affectionate. I think the affection should come first, then the sex. This seems backwards to me.

 

+1, sounds like he just needs an easy lay with no strings attached. IMO, if you're looking for an affectionate person start looking around again.

 

Def. of Affectionate: having or displaying tender feelings, affection, or warmth.

 

Either the guy is uncomfortable with pda's or he's buttering you up privately so you can get down on him.

Edited June 24, 2010 by I'm Batman

[Diezel]

Diezel - We have had sex 3 more times after that. Foreplay doesnt last that long.

 

 

 

Move on then.

This guy isn't for you. Just that simple.

Signs of no affection, roleplay doesn't last long within the first few times, lack of expressiveness.

 

If these are things you NEED, and he's not PROVIDING it, you have no reason to be with him.

[stace79]

RED FLAG!

 

Have you ever noticed that when most guys talk about "taking it slow," they NEVER mean sex? Sex, they want right away. What they want to "take slow" is the relationship/commitment part.

 

You are clearly relationship-minded. A person like you should NEVER have sex with a man BEFORE you establish that you and he are in a relationship.

 

It sounds to me like this guy is now trying to walk a tightrope. He wants a FWB, not a GF. But if he says so outright, he knows his prospects of getting more sex from you will vanish. So, he's being deliberately vague as a delaying tactic.

 

Totally agree. This is right on the money. Huge red warning flags went up when I read that they'd had sex on date 5, but had not yet become exclusive.

 

You should read the Tyler Perry book "Act like a lady, think like a man". Seriously. It will help you.

 

Sounds like this guy got the milk for free, so why buy the cow now?

[New Jersey 44]

I dont want to ask ' why dont you hold my hand or kiss me goodnight' I think that will make me look needy or that he will do it becuase I asked him , not becuase he wants to.

 

Bgirl -- you come off as a woman that plays games. I'll explain why. As a man who's dated all kinds of women I want those who will TELL ME WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG. Those that assumed I can find out on my own or only send hints are not worth my time. It's game playing to me. This "make me look needy" is one of the oldest excuses in the book and we don't have time for it. Tell him what you want. If he doesn't like it, break it off on the spot.

[carhill]

The OP's responses and perspective already indicate the Cheer's effect of oxytocin bonding. She's not going to 'break it off on the spot' ; her brain doesn't work like a man's wrt the effects of sexual intimacy on her perspective. She may not have substantial experience with the concept of 'caring less' in her interpersonal relationships. These factors combine to tilt the balance of control in favor of the man.

 

OP, since you've 'talked to him' about FWB and relationship issues, simply tell him 'I want more affection; I love it if/when you put your arms around me, hold me, rub my back, etc and kiss me'. These are actions a healthy man whom is genuinely attracted to you as a person will have no problem performing. It will be natural. If no joy, incompatible. No sex and move on. I found that the process of healthy communcation facilitated the disconnection process. It left no ambibuity. In that sense, I agree with NJ44 that you should communicate your needs and wants directly and clearly. It does work